Dark Secrets [Chapter Three]

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Alexis sighed. She rolled her eyes as she strode into the mini kitchen in her dad’s apartment. His girlfriend Penelope was standing over a bubbling pot, suspiciously staring into it.

“Is something wrong?” Alexis asked, sitting in a wicker chair.

“No… I just don’t think I got this recipe right…” Penelope muttered.

“Uh… what exactly is it?”

Penelope was known for making strange dinner combinations. Ever since she moved into the apartment with Alexis’ father, she’s been trying to cook non-stop, eve though she isn’t good at it.

“I think it’s supposed to be some kind of… noodle?” Penelope guessed, tucking a strand of copper hair behind her ear.

“Okay, I don’t want to find out.” Alexis reached for the phone, to dial the local pizza parlours number.

Seconds later, Alexis’ father walked in, struggling with a large paper bag. The scent of Chinese food penetrated the air. Alexis smiled.

“Oh, you’re home. And you brought food. I guess I don’t need this!” Penelope turned off the stove and unwound her apron. Alexis’s father leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

Alexis winced. She still couldn’t believe that her father was in love with someone else.

Penelope tore open one of the bags and lifted out a Styrofoam container. Alexis’ father, Jason lurched for the stove, switching off the burner seconds before the pot boiled over.

Penelope set the container on the kitchen table and stared at Jason sheepishly. Alexis opened the container and the scent of sweet and sour sauce floated in the air. She grabbed a plastic fork and settled herself at the bottom of the table.
As far away from Penelope and Jason as the five-seating table could allow.

She stuffed herself with the chicken and rice. Penelope and Jason sat, breaking open the containers.

Penelope’s eyes lit up and she touched Jason’s arm. “Did you tell her?”

Alexis stopped, mid-chew, and focused her eyes on her father. He cleared his throat.

“Tell me what?” Alexis asked.

“Ah, we were going to tell you that – if you wanted to – you could live here with Penelope and me. She told me that she’d love to get to know you.”

Alexis’ eyes widened. The home-wrecker wanted to get to know her?

“Um…” Alexis stuttered. Her cell phone chimed. She glanced at it. She had one new message… from “I”.

[i]Little Miss Home-wrecker wants to get to know you, huh? How sweet… does she know that you knew about the affair since the beginning?
Keep your mouth shut about me, and I’ll keep mum about your secret
.

- I [/i]

Alexis squeaked. It had been a sunny April day. She and Isabelle had been walking to Isabelle’s house, when they saw a black Subaru parked outside an unfamiliar house.

“Hey, isn’t that your dad’s car?” Isabelle had asked. Alexis walked closer to it – and sure enough, her father was sitting in the back seat with a copper-haired woman. Their lips locked for a few minutes at a time.

Alexis had stood in shock. Her dad was kissing someone else?

Isabelle had walked her home and consoled her for days on end with ice cream and movies.

Alexis had been careful not to say anything about the affair to her mother, but turns out her dad had spilled it all.

Without hesitation, he’d been kicked out.

Alexis snapped back to the present. Penelope and Jason were looming over her, expecting an answer.

“Can I think about it for a few days and get back to you? I have to go home – I have barrels of work to do.” Alexis sputtered, tearing out of the apartment in minutes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Alexis? I thought you were staying at your father’s until tonight…?” Mrs. DuLac questioned as Alexis burst through the patio door.

“I was… but um, dad asked me some questions and well…”

“What sort of questions, honey?” Mrs. DuLac probed.

“H- He asked me if I wanted to move in with him and his girlfriend.” She sputtered.

“Oh… I don’t know what to tell you. If you want to… then, I guess I can’t stop you.” Mrs. DuLac deflated.

“I don’t know, Mom.”

“Okay… well, dinner’s in an hour.” Mrs. DuLac shrugged, bustling around the kitchen.

Alexis sighed and padded upstairs to her bedroom. Once she shut her door, she sat to her purple laptop and signed into her instant messenger. Mackenzie’s name flashed in the corner of Alexis’ eye.

Kenzie: Hey, how was your dad’s?

Alexis sighed and began to type.

Alexis92: Not great. He and the Home Wrecker asked if I wanted 2 move in w/them.

Kenzie: Wow. Don’t you think that’d be too… awkward? What bout your mom?

Alexis92: Yup… it probably would be… hey, did u get any more messages from “L”?

Kenzie92: Nope. Not today, anyway.

Seconds later, another message appeared between Alexis and Mackenzie’s conversation.

I: Did you bitches think you were getting rid of me? Hold on to your mascara wands, you pretties are in for a WILD ride!

Alexis gasped and quickly signed off. Her heart pounded in her chest. Was “I” really going to get to them as easily as she thought he/she’d thought?




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Hello, I'm Apple and I'm going to be your reviewer for today.

I: Spelling/Grammar Mistakes

His girlfriend; Penelope, was standing over a bubbling pot; suspiciously staring into it.


Some slight changed of quotation marks here. No need to stress! Well, I just wanted to point out that some natural pauses came about this sentence as I was reading it and you didn't point the out by using either a comma, semi-colon or just a plain old colon. When reading through your sentences, do it aloud; so you're aware of the pauses and you can then choose which quotation mark is right for the part.

Keep your mouth shut about me; and I’ll keep mum quiet about your secret.


I'm not quite sure about this sentence. It sounds rather awkward. I can't really work out how to fix it because I do not know what you're trying to say. Another things with this sentence is that a semi-colon fits better then a comma. This stops it from becoming a run-on sentence that are just to boring to read.

II: Plot of Chapter:

I don't know who that 'L' guy is but I am definitely interested for more, a tactic that is always needed in great stories. This really highlighted that chapter! I thought it was going to be one of those boring reality books that I cannot stand to even look at but when things started to heat up with this mysterious 'L'...I am going to stick around to see what happens.

That's what I liked. The parts that I didn't like was practically the other stuff. I do not mean this in an offence by for some reason it was like, well, watching my boring, dull life. I know that you're probably playing the reader like that, though you need some excitement through it. This is like a soap opera. And even then there has to some drama to really highlight the other areas. Even if it is small, like something happening at school and such. The part about the locking lips and the cheating Dad was great but I wanted to see something else. School life often works well.

III: Overall:

I don't think the style of writing you are doing currently fits this kind of story. You're writing in third person when to add more excitement it should be one person. As if you're relaying the events in a journal. This may also be the problem as to why some parts were dull and lifeless. You know, I strongly recommend that you change the style! Yes, it might actually work. Not say that it is bad currently, just that the style isn't really working.

Another thing, you tend to skip out on details. This story seems to need much more then you offered. I think you should really sit down, read it over; see where you think that more information could be added and when dialogue should be expanded and jump on it.

Also, you have a tendency to finish mostly all your dialogue with either a Mrs/Mr. Someone or She/He said. Liven it up a little. Write the actions that the character is facing. The emotion that cross the characters face as you see it in your mind. Step out of the box a little. There is more words for said such as cooed, shouted, yelped, stomped...I have so many they're pouring out of my ears.

Good Luck with your writing~
Apple.
I spy!




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ok so i read it and loved it but there was one part that made me confused.
"“Oh, you’re home. And you brought food. I guess I don’t need this!” Penelope turned off the stove and unwound her apron. Alexis’s father leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

Alexis winced. She still couldn’t believe that her father was in love with someone else.

Penelope tore open one of the bags and lifted out a Styrofoam container. Alexis’ father, Jason lurched for the stove, switching off the burner seconds before the pot boiled over."
So Penelope turned off the stove but the father turns off the burner....is there a difference?



Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
— Lyndon B. Johnson