The Lens

I adjusted the lens of my camera, hoping I would get a good view of the scene. I placed my eye on the viewfinder and slowly positioned the camera to a nice perspective. I took some shots, the vulture hadn't moved for at least 20 minutes before I took this shots, it was just staring at the crawling girl. I looked at the photo on my camera "Perfect." I told myself with a large smile on my face, I can't wait to see their faces after I show them this when I get back to camp!I placed my camera on its case and drove back to camp with my motorcycle.

When I got back to camp, the same old sign greeted me, 'United Nations food camp'. It was always sunny and dusty here in Sudan. I got back to the tent I lived on, and printed the photos that I shot. I showed the photo to my other colleagues, we were sent here to get a good story about the Sudan Famine.

"Great Photo, when did you take this?" Ken Oosterbroek told me, a fellow reporter, and a member of the Bang-Bang club that I was also part of, it covered mostly about the ongoing war that was taking place here in Sudan.

"I took it a while ago." I told him.

"Amazing! New York Times really needs to get a hold of this!" He said to me, it made me happy having him say that.

"So... what happened to this little emaciated girl?" He told me, my heart stopped for a moment. I forgot about the girl! I was too busy thinking about the photo I took, I never had time to help her. I didn't even respond to Ken, and quickly got back to my motorcycle and went back to the spot were I took the photo. But... nobody was there anymore, the lonely crawling girl was gone - and so was the vulture.

This is a real story, the photographer, Kevin Carter took this photo. This photo might seem disturbing.

Spoiler

I really liked this piece, it was fairly short but it kept my interest the entire time. I didn't notice any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors as I read it, but always make sure to check for those!

"So... what happened to this little emaciated girl?" He told me,

this is the only part that seemed a bit off, maybe say asked or questioned instead of told, he's not really telling he's asking. Also maybe you could add something in like "I didn't even respond to Ken, and quickly got back to my motorcycle..."

"So... what happened to this little emaciated girl?" He told me, my heart stopped for a moment. I forgot about the girl! I was too busy thinking about the photo I took, I never had time to help her. (you could add it in right here and then continue on)I quickly got back to my motorcycle and went back to the spot were I took the photo. But... nobody was there anymore, the lonely crawling girl was gone - and so was the vulture.

I hope this helped you out a bit! Keep up the excellent work, I'll be looking for more of your pieces

Love,
N

The beginning paragraph was a little slow. At first it wasn't clear to me what was going on, because I had no idea what the setting was--maybe clarify that a little sooner. But the rest was very well written. It was also partially disturbing, but sometimes that's what makes a piece of writing powerful. The picture was a good idea to add on--it really brought home what you were writing about. Well done.

lakegirls wrote:I really liked this piece, it was fairly short but it kept my interest the entire time. I didn't notice any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors as I read it, but always make sure to check for those!

"So... what happened to this little emaciated girl?" He told me,

this is the only part that seemed a bit off, maybe say asked or questioned instead of told, he's not really telling he's asking. Also maybe you could add something in like "I didn't even respond to Ken, and quickly got back to my motorcycle..."

"So... what happened to this little emaciated girl?" He told me, my heart stopped for a moment. I forgot about the girl! I was too busy thinking about the photo I took, I never had time to help her. (you could add it in right here and then continue on)I quickly got back to my motorcycle and went back to the spot were I took the photo. But... nobody was there anymore, the lonely crawling girl was gone - and so was the vulture.

Thanks for the suggestion, I just added it my piece! I hope you have more people to help because you really give nice suggestions! I'll be sure to acknowledge you for the good suggestion.

Heya, VitaminCakes!

That's so sad. I think this topic/piece has lots of promise. But, this needs some work.

I feel that you need to connect to the reader more. Let us into his (the MC's) head. Give him more emotions. It was also strange how this piece seemed to have such a light tone to it. I would prefer if the tone was more serious and grave, since the whole topic really is pretty, well, serious and grave.

Also, some of the photographer's emotions seem a bit unrealistic, and off.

VitaminCakes wrote:"Perfect." I told myself with a large smile on my face, I can't wait to see their faces after I show them this when I get back to camp!

Seriously, how does he feel when he sees that starved little girl crouching, maybe even about to die? How would you feel? At least a little sick? You should probably feel sad. And, would you be smiling after you took the picture, even if people at the camp might like them a lot and praise you?



I like your ending. It's mysterious. Did someone try to help her? Maybe not.

Hope I helped. Keep on writing-

KD

I feel that you need to connect to the reader more. Let us into his (the MC's) head. Give him more emotions. It was also strange how this piece seemed to have such a light tone to it. I would prefer if the tone was more serious and grave, since the whole topic really is pretty, well, serious and grave.

This. Though you have a very serious subject and one which has lots of potential, you deal with it very lightly in the opening paragraphs and the photographer's emotions don't really come across. I suggest you read Carol Ann Duffy's War Photographer; it's a poem, but it deals largely with the same topic and attempts to address the horror of the photographs as they're developed and the difficulty society has in appreciating them.

Think about the key questions your photographer must be asking himself. What right does he have to be here? Is he doing this for the right reasons? Should he help this girl? You don't have to answer them all, but you can keep them in mind while writing and try to show his conflict. I don't think any human would be able to avoid asking those questions when faced with an image like that, especially concerning the last one. At the moment, you're relying on the photograph to do the talking rather than your writing.

I don't think he would really "forget" about the girl. He might just return late the next day and notice she's not there, rather than completely forgetting.

Alternatively, you can try to portray your MC as a man simply hungering for money. If that's your intention, you still can't ignore the questions above. You simply have to approach them in different ways. Shock us with his lack of care and the horror of your descriptions, and then allow the photograph to simply add to it.

If you edit this, I'd suggest writing it with the intention of showing it to a group of people who've never seen that photograph. Your writing has to make us feel everything that photograph does: all the fear, all the shock and even the guilt that this should be going on in the world whilst we sit knowing at the end of the day, we're not going to face that life.

As a whole, this is an extremely powerful topic and a very original idea, so I'd love to see you expand on it. I haven't commented on your grammar and punctuation, though it is a little off in places, because right now it seems that conveying your messages and the purpose of your story are the most important areas for you to focus on. I hope that you continue to improve this, because it has a lot of significance.

- Jet.