Death Without View

Time stands still, the walls close in,
My breath shortens, my eyesight dims.
My hands start to shake, my legs give way,
My body is acheing from the torcher you sway.
You stand over me, im powerless like a baby,
I cry and cry for someone to save me.
You laugh and watch me cower like a dog,
Oh how I wish I could see through the fog.
Your face is black, hands cold as ice,
My throat is dry as I fade away with a price.
My times now short no movement or life,
Now its over, no pain nor strife.

that was gr8....i'de give that 9/10!!!

melsmall94 wrote:Time stands still, the walls close in,
My breath shortens, my eyesight dims.
My hands start to shake, my legs give way,
My body is acheing from the torcher you sway. < Correct spelling is, "aching" and I don't even know what you were attempting to spell with, "torcher".
You stand over me, im powerless like a baby, < Should be "I'm".
I cry and cry for someone to save me.
You laugh and watch me cower like a dog,
Oh how I wish I could see through the fog. < Seems like you're trying too hard to rhyme. =\
Your face is black, hands cold as ice,
My throat is dry as I fade away with a price.
My times now short, no movement or life, < Add comma to pace and an apostrophe to "times" so it is written, "time's".
Now its over, no pain nor strife. <Add ' so that it is written as, "it's".

I'm going to be honest and say that I think you limited yourself by being too distracted with rhyme. Rhyme can be great but don't forget hat there's more than rhyme. Another thing you need to be careful of is oversimplifying your descriptions in a bad way. There is a difference between the minimalism and the lack of a thesaurus.

Other than that you need to polish up your spelling and grammar.

OK, now to the positive parts. I enjoyed the ambiguous subject of the poem. It seems to be a very surreal allegory for some form of abuse. This I liked.

Keep writing and improving/challenging yourself.

Hey there! I thought this was pretty good! I only agree with the guy above about your spelling, punctuation and all that stuff =P, emotion in a poem makes all that stuff look like whatever in my opinion. But don't make a habit of it either lol. And also the lines where you rhyme dog and fog, it did seem a little forced. But it's ok. I thought this was good besides all that

Hey melsmall,

The overriding problem with this work is your use of overworn phrases.

Things like "time stands still", "the walls close in", "my hands start to shake", and "my throat is dry" are instantly boring, because we, as readers, have heard these phrases a million times before, in every day life. Poetry is about taking familiar subjects and presenting them in a fresh, original manner. Unfortunately your poem failed to this.

I also have to concur with inkwell about the rhyming scheme, which was pretty forced and basic. It added little to the work.

Good luck in any revisions or future efforts.