Love or Torture

My heart dwells on the pain and sorrow
The hurt of not knowing what will come tomorrow
The lust and love you put me through
And not knowing if what we feel is true
For you, I have the words to say
But only in time will they pay
But as I see you standing there
I swallow my words, no breath nor air
So as I stand there and watch you walk by
In time I think, why did I shy?
Away from how I truly feel
But is it non existent, or is it real?
I guess in time my heart will no longer scorch
But is this love or a lighted torch?

melsmall94 wrote:My heart dwells on the pain and sorrow
The hurt of not knowing what will come tomorrow
The lust and love you put me through
And not knowing if what we feel is true
For you, I have the words to say
But only in time will they pay
But as I see you standing there
I swollow my words, no breath nor air < I really liked this line! Note that it is "swallow" though.
So as I stand there and watch you walk by
In time I think, why did I shy? < Why did you put the question mark here half way through the question? If you did so intentionally I think it's creative but otherwise make it a more significant alteration or keep it grammatically correct.
Away from how I truely feel < "truly" is the correct spelling.
But is it non exsistant, or is it real? < Add a comma for a better pace, in my opinion. The word is "existent" by the way.
I guess in time my heart will no longer scorch
But is this love or a lighted torch? < Last two lines are really good! The ambiguity of the scorching heart as an illuminating torch gives the poem a bold ending that leaves the reader thinking.

All in all a very honest and expressive poem with good metaphors and an interesting enough rhyme scheme. Fix and polish at least the spelling/punctuation errors and I think you have a solid piece.

Hey, and I would like to say, yes yes yes! I loved this poem. Besides the spelling stuff the other guy pointed out this was great! The formatting and rhyme scheme were great and there was so much emotion there! I hope to read more of your work because this was good lol

I leave this as a reminder to myself to review when I get home

Hi mellsmall,

I have similar words of advice as I did when I review another of your poems.

Drop the overworn phrases, they add nothing. "My heart dwells on the pain", "I swallow my words", "Is this real?" were all so obvious choices for what you're trying to say that's it barely like you wrote this out all; rather, it seems a regurgitation of everything a teenager has ever said about love before.

Sorry to be so harsh -- but poetry is a harsh world and difficult path to tread.

Remember -- be original, be fresh, break the rules. That's what poetry is.