The Girl With The Cheetah Mark

Hi MMurray!

First things first, let's get you up to speed on the formatting and technical stuff and all the good and jolly matters of punctuation. Not very fun, I know, and it may not even make much sense--but if people can't read your story easily because commas aren't in the right place, they can't enjoy your story for what it is!

First, break this up into more paragraphs. Yes, more. Readers these days are lazy and don't like big paragraphs, so break them up into smaller units. There's no right way to break up paragraphs and probably very few wrong ways, and so learning where to start a new one just takes practice (observe how your favorite authors do it to learn faster). But, some general guidelines:

--Never be afraid to have a sentence or even a sentence fragment hang out by itself. It gives the line some extra punch, because if it's stranded there on its lonesome, it has to be important, right? So this technique is for when you really want to emphasize something.
--Nearly always go to a new paragraph when someone new is speaking or thinking.
--When a new event happens, or you switch to describe something else, or things change pace, change paragraphs. Generally speaking.

For instance, I personally might break up your first paragraph like this:

I ran with high speed away from that dark thing that had followed me.

I glanced behind me with my hair whipping in my face trying to see if my dad was alive or not.I couldn't see him and started to turn back but when I started to run back I heard is last words echoing in my head," Gwen, whatever happens tonight don't look back just scurry as fast as you can into the deep of the Black Forest."

I couldn't see anything but I knew that the Black Forest was straight ahead. I heard a cry but kept going forward. I had to follow my dad's final orders.My sight become blurry with tears that were soon wiped away by the wind.

I kept going but I fell over and hit my head. The fall had knocked the breathe out of me but after a few seconds I tried to get up but something had my foot stuck. I scampered to get my foot loose but I couldn't make do of where my foot was tied. I heard some footsteps coming closer and closer to me.

"I have to get out of here now!I tried to shield my face and lie still so whoever was there would think i was dead.

I made no movement with my body. I could hear the leaves rustling in the wind around me.

That, of course, is just me and what I might do. You're free to do whatever you like in the end, but see how breaking it up makes it easier to read? And how it can make things a bit more tense?

That English teacher who told you paragraphs have to have at least five sentences in them? Ignore her.


Next, some dialogue formatting for you. Again, this is something that, in the end, you can probably best learn just by copying how your favorite authors format their dialogue.

But, new speaker = new paragraph, and make sure you have the right punctuation in there. Each bit of dialogue (or thoughts, since you've chosen to use quotations for those too) is enclosed in question marks, and most of the time, each bit of dialogue is ended either in a period or a comma.

So,
"I like muffins," said Bob.
Bob said, "I like muffins."

And to use some of your text:

"Good, whatever that was left."
"I have to get out of here now!"

Etc., etc.

After you break up those paragraphs and fix that dialogue, I think your next task is to vary up your sentences. A lot of them begin with "I [verb] [something]." The result is that it all gets very repetitive--just read it aloud and you'll see what I mean. The neat thing about English, though, is that it gives you so many cool ways to make sentences different from each other while saying the same thing.

The basic meaning of the sentences might be "I ran... I glanced behind me... I couldn't see him... I started to run back" but what the reader reads might be something like:

I ran with high speed from the dark thing that had followed me. When I glanced behind me to see if my dad were alive or not, I couldn't see him at all. With my hair whipping in my face, I start to turn back, but as I began to turn, I heard his last words echoing in my head: "Gwen..."

That's not the prettiest restructuring there ever was, but I hope it illustrates what I'm talking about.

I know that sounds like a lot to do, but please don't get discouraged! Because for all the things in need of fixing, you've done a lot of things right.

1. Your first sentence is kind of awesome. Personally, I might do away with the "high speed" in it because it's a bit robotic, and I might change "thing that had followed me" to "thing that followed me" just to make it clear to the reader. But your sentence achieved the single most important thing a first sentence can ever achieve: I wanted, instantly, to read the second one.

I wanted to know what "that dark thing" was. Simple, but ominous. Excellent job.

2. Although it's buried a bit beneath some of the repetitive structures (where everything's Subject Verb OtherStuff) and lost in the big paragraphs, your main character/you has a lovely voice. It's... an intelligent voice. And one I the reader want to hear a story from.

Please keep on writing. While this technical stuff can take years and years to master, you're young even for a young writers' site and therefore are already getting ahead of the game. On top of that, you've got good story instincts, and a good voice, and that's as fantastic a place as any to be good in.

Rach

Rachael has already commented on a lot of what I noticed, so I won't restate. But first, let me say I enjoyed this very much and that you have a definite way with action scenes. You held my attention the whole way through.

One thing I noticed was your sentence structure. Generally, within a paragraph, you want to mix up the sentence lengths -- some short and choppy, some long and flowing, some a nice happy medium -- to give it a good flow. You have a lot of choppy sentences, and while choppy can be best for action sequences like this, too much of it can destroy their effect. And you have the potential for some great effect here.

And even though I said I wouldn't, I've got to restate my predecessor by telling you: I love the voice you have here. It's compelling, and honestly, there's few things more important than a compelling voice in a story.

Hope this helps

wow i liked it a lot it really caught my attention and you described everything so well i could see it all !!

one thing that really bothered me (it was the only thing) you line, and i quote, "The voice wasn't a man but sounded like a woman" ok that was very confusing honey, it's really choppy and it didn't really make sense, also a lot of that is unnecessary, so if this was me writing it would say something along the lines of thus . . . the voice was ominous but unmistakably that of a woman.
ok so maybe not exactly like that but i think i made my point .

also (and i am horrible at this as well ) punctuation darling, this scene is already really intense and without the coma's and periods i found my self panting at the end because i didn't know where to breath!
punctuation really helps this is why.

1: it slows the reader down so that they don't miss anything too important.

2: it tells them where to breath at *wink wink nudge nudge*

3: it helps it flow

but i think you have a very exciting story going on here, i will keep an eye on you.

thumbs up!!

ps
i have a YWS friend named kr1117 she is VERY good at reviews you might ask her to give you one.

Hey Murray! I am here to review today! It's never my intention on hurting your feelings. (:
Red- Corrections
Blue- Comments
Green- Take out
Pink- Highliting

MMurray wrote:

Prologue

I ran with speed away from that dark thing that followed me. This sentence doesn't flow well to me. Try rewording it like I ran with great speed, an unknown creature following quickly behind. You always want your first sentence to grab attention.

I glanced behind me with my hair whipping in my face[color=#FF0000], searching for trying to see if my dad who may already be dead. I couldn't see him and started to turn back but when I started to turn back I heard is last words echoing in my head,This is a run-on, so break it up more like My heart sank, he was no where to be seen. Refocusing, I turned to what was in front of me. His words echoed," Gwen.... whatever happens tonight, don't look back. Just scurry as fast as you can into the deep of the Black Forest."

I couldn't see anything but I knew that the Black Forest was straight ahead. I heard a cry but kept going forward. I had to follow my dad's final orders. My sight become blurry with tears that were soon wiped away by the wind. Okay, I have a minor problem with this. You start three out of the four sentences with I. If you keep doing this, everything seems repetetive. Try rewording this like, Further in front of me was black, but I knew that the Black Forest was located ahead. I heard a cry, but kept going forward. It felt mandatory to follow my dad's orders. It may not be the best example, but it's the only thing I could come up with at the moment. (:

I kept going but I fell over and hit my head. The fall had knocked the breathe out of me but after a few seconds I tried to get up but something had my foot stuck. I hurried to try to get my foot loose but I couldn't make do of where my foot was held. I heard some footsteps coming closer and closer to me.Same as before, to many sentences with I. A way to reword this would be, My feet continued taking me further into the trees. In the dark, my foot caught an unidentifiable object, causing my fall. I felt my head hit the ground, giving me a minor headache. My breath was sucked out of me. I tried to stand again, but my foot wouldn't move; something held it in place. Solid footsteps held a pattern as they came up behind me. This is one way to reword something. (:

"I have to get out of here now!I tried to shield my face and lay still so whoever was there would think I was dead. I made no movement with my body. I could hear the leaves rustling in the wind around me.

"Crunch, crunch,crunch." The footsteps were getting closer. I held my breath. but After awhile I had to breathe, so I slowly inhaled in and out through my mouth. I saw a slow flashing of a dim light moving over everything slowly near where I was and then suddenly it was blown out. This sentence it a run-on, so reword it like, A slow, dim, flashing light came into view, scanning it's surroundings. It got near me, my breathing caught, then it was blown out.

"Good, whatever that was left"This statement is confusing to me. so I started to try to get my foot out of a fallen tree root. The dim light had let me see where my foot was.I thought the light was blown out. :/ I pulled and pulled at the root, wiggling my foot all the while. No luck. Abruptly, an icy hand grabbed the back of my neck. It had found me. I closed my eyes as it turned me to face it.

"I have found you." I peeked up at whoever it was and saw dark,ice cold black eyes that could have been mistaken as stones. I like this description. (:The voice wasn't a man but sounded like a woman.Confusing to me. I squirmed as she picked me up off the ground as if I was a feather. "I guess my weight wasn't a problem for her or it."

"Just kill me now please. I beg you!" I cried out through the tears that had found their way down my face.

"Oh no, darling," she said with a merciless smile creeping up on her face.

I started to yell for help when I had found my voice. After a second of yelling help over and over again, she smacked me on the left cheek. I hid my face from her while feeling the pain quickly creep up into my face. She dropped me on the ground while I located where the pain was with my left hand. Swelling and heat had started to radiate from the blow I had received . I attempted to put some pressure to alleviate the pain but nothing happened except my excruciating pain.I looked up with a grimace on my face at the lady who had captured me. She had her back to me and was talking in hushed tones to some creatures. I couldn't tell what they were but they kept their blazing yellow eyes on me while listening to their master. Reword this like They were listening intently to her, but their blazing yellow eyes glared at me with much intensity.

I knew this was my only chance of escaping them or I could just stay here and die. No way was I staying to get tortured and killed. I slowly crept in the shadows of a tree then I peeked back over my shoulder to make sure I wasn't being watched. Thankfully I wasn't, for the lady had told the creatures to stop starring at me .

"No need to frightened to her, my darlings," she said quietly.

"Like they hadn't already scare me enough?" I took off in the night, afraid. Pain soared through my face. I ran till I could no more. The cold wind blew my hair out of my face.

I could hear the echoes of the lady telling her creatures, " It's alright darlinga she got away once but the next time she won't" I saw her face in my mind and shook my head. This sentence didn't make sense to me. I may have over-thought it, (I tend to), but wouldn't she be further away that she couldn't hear her?

I stumbled again but this time stayed on the ground. I was throbbing all over especially the place on face where she had hit me. I knew I would have a bruise in the morning. Reword this so that not every sentence starts with I."Oh morning, won't you ever come?" With that, I closed my eyes and pictured myself at home sitting by the fire with my dad, dreaming that all this was just a nightmare and when I woke up it would be all over.
MMurray

Overall:
Okay, this did grab my attention. The things that I had problems with were mainly starting many sentences with I. When you do this, it feels repetitive. Another thing was that, this didn't seem like a prologue to me, unless it's me just over-analyzing it. (: Every nit-pick that I had, I edited above. It was still very interesting to read. I am often unable to read things sometimes since they don't interest me, but I am proud to say I did finish reading this. (: Good start, keep writing!
PEACE.