Ultamite Chapter 6: The Journey

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|Note| At this point, I feel I need to make major changes to previous chapters, going as far as to even remove some completely. This chapter is no longer an active part of the story, or to be considered a part of it until further notice |Note|



"Time to wake up Riley!" Vlora stood over my bed screaming.

"What's going on!" I got caught in the covers and panicked causing me to fall out of the bed.

"Wow, you're a freak."

"You're the one who just scared the crap of me!" I untangled myself from the covers throwing them onto the bed.

"You were supposed to be awake an hour ago. I think considering my actions were quite appropriate."

"Right, the weapon."

"It's too late now. Father and mother has already went into town with the first shipments of weapons. You'll have to wait till tomorrow for the weapon. They won't be back till at least nightfall.

"Oh man. I wanted to leave for the caverns today though."

"Well...we still could you know?"

"You want to go anyway?"

"Sure, we'd be back before my parents got back too."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"What they don't know won't hurt them."

"No, but it might hurt you."

"I'm tougher then I look. Now get ready and fix that hair of yours. Meet me outside the cabin in thirty minutes." Vlora walked out of the room closing the door behind her

Such a strange girl but I couldn't help but like her. Not like that. I got dressed and equipped my bow and arrows. It was hard to imagine being there again. Imagine being in that room. I had to go there and find out what happened and find Alora's necklace in the process. I walked outside and meet with Vlora.

"You ready to go?"

"Of course. Took you long enough."

"I had to 'fix my hair' per request."

"Ha, you're just too funny."

"I try."

"Enough. Let's go. The faster we get in and out the better. We will take the mountain path south toward Bezage. It's not snowing to hard right now so it should be an easy trip. The path will lead us past Bezage and directly to the entrance of Vestige Caverns."

"You lived so close to the Ultamite. This whole time it was right under you."

"You're right. Under this mountain is Vestige Caverns. We never explored it because of how dangerous it was. Until we heard a rumor in Bezage from some merchants. Anyway let's go." We started down the snowy path. It was a small path and it was right along the side of the mountain. I wasn't afraid of heights but I will still uneasy.

"The path gets a little bigger up here. We'll be off the cliff side then. The path will lead almost straight down to level ground, and then leads around to the caverns."

"Vlora, why did you follow us into the caverns?"

"My family was in Bezage. We saw your group and my father overheard your conversation with your informant. He knew if someone else found the Ultamite first, they would take it all and our dream shattered. So we decided it would be safest to follow you into the caverns. We stood a better chance seeing as you had Tetra with you."

"You knew Tetra?"

"He's my uncle."

"Really? He never mentioned that."

"We never got along to well with him. He was the guide for Vestige Caverns and often lead treasure hunters in for great sums of gold. My father doesn't really like treasure hunters so I only got to see him when we were in Bezage. My father went to him once, to ask about the Ultamite rumor. Tetra of course claimed to had never seen it. You should have seen how angry my father was when he found out it was in the caverns."

"Why does your father hate treasure hunters so much?"

"That's a long story, and we don't have time for stories right now." We reached the bottom of the mountain and continued around to the entrance to the caverns. When we got there, answers became questions.

"What is this?" Vlora came to where the bridge to the Vestige Caverns once was.

"Whats wrong?"

"The bridge it's -

gone?" A large ravine separated us from the entrance.

"Look, the entrance to the caverns is boarded up."

"What is going on here."

"It's not a problem."

"Not having a bridge is quite a problem actually."

"Is it?" Vlora walked over to where the bridge once was. She stood on the side of the ledge and held her hands out in front of her. "Terra permeveo" she said pushing her hands farther away from her body. The earth in front of her suddenly began to expand forward forming a rectangular bridge.

"Be careful, their is no handle on this one." Vlora said trying to make a joke.

"That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen!" It was truly amazing to watch.

"Magic is your best friend."

"I didn't know you were a mage."

"Well my mother is, so it shouldn't be that surprising."

"I feel a lot safer going into this cave now."

"As you should. Now it's time to get rid of that barricade." The bridge was thin and one wrong step and you would fall
into the raging river below. It was definitely not safe but it was better then turning back. Once safely across the bridge Vlora was ready to dispose of the barricade over the entrance.

"What spell to use..."

"Just blow it up already."

"You asked for it. Step away." I ran as far away as possible, excited yet terrified at what I was about to witness. Again Vlora held her hands out in front of her directly over the barricade. "Ventus flatus" For a second it was quiet, then in an instant a powerful wind erupted from her hands completely destroying the barrier.

"I am so afraid of you now." I walked over to her and couldn't help but stare at the shattered boards scattered around.

"You weren't scared of me before?"

"No comment, lest I get myself blown up."

"You truly are smarter then you look."

"Can we just go?"

"After you, or are you too afraid that I'll blow you up from behind?" I shot her a glare and walked into the cave entrance. It was like deja-vu. I started to see things that weren't there.

"Vlora did you see that?"

"What?"

"It looked like...never mind."

"All right, freak."

We came to the fork in the path. The moment were I split from the group and Alora and I were attacked.

"So we head to the left from here correct?"

"What? No. We go right."

"No, I'm pretty sure we go left."

"I don't know how to get to the Ultamite going to the left. I went right, well me and Alora did."

"Alora. Okay. We go to the right then."

"I'm glad you agree."

It would be a few hours before we got to the room where the Ultamite was. It gave me a lot of time to think. What was I going to find? Would I find the bodies of my friends, would I find any clue as to what happened to them? So many questions, still no answers. My mind was ready to explode. So much had happened in a short time. I couldn't process it. I couldn't calm down, memories and feelings were rushing in from so many places.

I could see it, where we got attacked. I could feel it, the love for Alora as we walked through that cave. I couldn't hold it in, It was too much. My body was trembling and the only thing I wanted to do was stab myself and end it all. A voice in my head, he wanted me to do it. "End it" he said. "Everyone is dead and you should be too. End it." I took Alora's dagger out of my pocket and turned it around in my hand.

I held it against my chest, and took a deep breath. I was going to do it, it was over. I pulled the dagger away and quickly thrust it at my chest -


Coming Soon
Chapter 7
The Destination

(I know I messed up a few important grammar situations in this one!
I'm a loss though, not understanding how I could fix them...so haha.
Also, tell me in your review if you found this chapter remotely comical..I tried :])
Last edited by Derek on Thu Aug 19, 2010 10:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey Derek,

I'm Tanya, here for a review! :D

"Time to wake up Riley!" Vlora stood over my bed screaming
There should be a comma betweeen up and Riley. I highly suggest you go under 'ressources' tab and 'knowledge base'. You need to brush up on your punctuation and dialogue tabs to help the flow of your story.

"What's going on!" I got caught in the covers and panicked causing me to fall out of the bed.
"You're the one who just scared the crap of me!" I untangled myself from the covers throwing them onto the bed.

This is an example of too much punctuation. We know he was startled and that she scared him, you don't need to use the exclamation points.

It's too late now. Father and mother has already went into town with the first shipments of weapons. You'll have to wait till tomorrow for the weapon. They won't be back till at least nightfall.
I haven't read the previous chapters so I don't know who these characters were but I thought they were siblings because she says Father and Mother instead of my parents or my father and mother. Maybe you could modify that?

"Oh man. I wanted to leave for the caverns today though."
Comma between today and though. A word of advice when you don't know how to place those commas, read your chapter out loud. If you feel there should be a "pause", then insert a comma.

Oh man. I wanted to leave for the caverns today though."

"Well...we still could you know?"

"You want to go anyway?"

"Sure, we'd be back before my parents got back too."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"What they don't know won't hurt them."

"No, but it might hurt you."


This is what I mean about dialogue tags. Who's talking? No "he said, she said?" I'll discuss this more further on.

Such a strange girl but I couldn't help but like her. Not like that
I think I know what you meant to say here. That he didn't like her in that way? Then you should say it in that way.

Okay, enough for now. Derek, this felt rather blah to me to be honest. I didn't feel like getting to know the characters further and that is a problem. Your attempt at humour must be commended, though, but it just fades in the background. There is only interaction between your two characters, nothing more. You learn much about a character and who he is through his actions.
For example,
"I think we are being followed," she said, casting wary glances behing her shoulder.
"I think we are being followed," he said, his stride strong and confident.
You see, in the first example, we get the idea that she is nervous, either right now or by nature. In the second, we understand that he isn't worried, that he will deal with the situation when it comes up.

And we know nothing else about these characters except for what I just implied, right? Not their names, hair colour, height, nothing! Keep dialogue tags in mind when you are writing, it makes it a more interesting read, if nothing else. Right now, all they do is play verbal ping-pong. It may be interesting in itself but they don't advance the story. None of them stumbles to their knees, kicks up rocks while they are walking, see the shadow of a bird, look up and get pooped in the face. You get what I am saying?

Please keep all that in mind while you are writing. Because your story has potential. I like the fact that your female since strong and confident, much different to what we see on a daily basis.

Keep writing!
Tanya




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Just a few critiques: a few read overs will correct these problems, but there are some misspellings of a few words (such as some 'to's could be 'too's, and yes, there are some grammatical errors but you already know that =). Anyway, great job, keep it up because I adore this story. So weird how everyone in his group was gone except for him... cool. Awesome novel!
Laugh, Smile, Have Some Fun, You Only Live Once!

People say the pen is mightier than the sword, but I don't know, a sword can actually kill you while a pen can just hurt your feelings...



They who talk all day of beauty call all the plain things dirty
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