Love

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Al3xx
Gender Female
Points 1903
Reviews 38
Fri Jul 16, 2010 9:20 pm
Al3xx says... · Fri Jul 16, 2010 9:20 pm
Just a Feeling
Love can be a feeling
A feeling we can hate
A feeling we despise
A feeling we can’t trust

Nothing can compare to it
Not a happy smile
Not a single tear
Not a single angry feeling
The passion is there
But the hurt is buried far away
Afraid to come out
But always there…
On the surface
Just waiting
And waiting
Until you mess up and can’t forget

I’ve seen the smiles on faces
I’ve seen those happy tears
I’ve seen your eyes
I’ve heard your voice
Just saying to me
I love you
But I don’t trust you
And I'm afraid I never will
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

Alexx
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FireandIce326
Gender Male
Points 2979
Reviews 51
Sat Jul 17, 2010 2:06 am
FireandIce326 says... · Sat Jul 17, 2010 2:06 am
I thought this was very interesting. I liked the thoughts that you put on here, In my opinion the flow wasn't to great fro me. But you made it the way you did for a reason, so lol. Really all together I can say that I liked this =) hope to read more from you sometime
Fear me once, shame on you.
Fear me twice, *wakes up* haha you don't fear me =)
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Firestarter
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Points 18178
Reviews 1259
Sun Jul 25, 2010 2:43 pm
Firestarter says... · Sun Jul 25, 2010 2:43 pm
There's nothing new here, and it limits its impact. You're not saying anything original about love. It also has almost no flow. I find the best way to edit your poem to make it read better is to take it and read it out loud to yourself, so you can hear where it feels awkward and clunky and correct it. Unfortunately, this is what this needs, because at the moment it's difficult to read this. You need to be more expressive and change up your lines so they're not the same old "on the surface" or "love can be a feeling."

Good luck in the future.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
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SisterItaly
Gender Female
Points 1882
Reviews 66
Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:14 pm
SisterItaly says... · Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:14 pm
Al3xx wrote:
Just a Feeling
Love can be a feeling
A feeling we can hate
A feeling we despise
A feeling we can’t trust
Couldn't agree more! This is my favorite part!


There's no puctuation, but beside that, I don't see anything wrong! Keep on writing because you are really good at this! *Clicks like one-million times over*
"Even in the end --even in death-- I can't hate you." - Neri Hereford's last words.

"The Gods demand blood, for they... do not bleed." Jaska.

The Book.
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kogarasumaro143
Gender Male
Points 2850
Reviews 61
Mon Jul 26, 2010 11:08 pm
kogarasumaro143 says... · Mon Jul 26, 2010 11:08 pm
I love it! You're different in writing poems about love for you showcase it as Love in the darker side. To what love should not be for love is the greatest thing/ feeling that a person can experience. Great!

Al3xx wrote:
Just a Feeling
Love can be a feeling
A feeling we can hate
A feeling we despise
A feeling we can’t trust

I don't have much problems in for first stanza. It makes me say "Yah, she's right!" Nice combination of words over emotions. Practice this more!

Al3xx wrote:Nothing can compare to it
Not a happy smile
Not a single tear
Not a single angry feeling
The passion is there
But the hurt is buried far away
Afraid to come out
But always there…
On the surface
Just waiting
And waiting
Until you mess up and can’t forget

On the other hand, this stanza is very long compared to the other two stanzas. Reminder: If your first stanza starts with 4 lines, you should also have 4 lines in every stanza you have. If you have 5, then 5. There should be a common number of lines just to seek formality on it. So, if you mind, just separate this into half(maybe). I didn't say that "Hey! That's wrong" NO! I say that writing poem or writing other forms of literary works is in its FORMALITY!

Al3xx wrote:I’ve seen the smiles on faces
I’ve seen those happy tears
I’ve seen your eyes
I’ve heard your voice
Just saying to me
I love you
But I don’t trust you
And I'm afraid I never will

Next stop, the last stanza. Hmmm. *critiquing* Nice!! Conclusion and application takes place. Great! Great! *speechless*

In general, you have a great piece! Keep on writing!
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ForsakenAngel
Gender Female
Points 1944
Reviews 116
Wed Jul 28, 2010 5:43 am
ForsakenAngel says... · Wed Jul 28, 2010 5:43 am
Al3xx wrote:
Just a Feeling
Love can be a feeling
A feeling we can hate
A feeling we despise
A feeling we can’t trust

Nothing can compare to it
Not a happy smile
Not a single tear
Not a single angry feeling
The passion is there
But the hurt is buried far away
Afraid to come out
But always there…
On the surface
Just waiting
And waiting
Until you mess up and can’t forget

I’ve seen the smiles on faces
I’ve seen those happy tears
I’ve seen your eyes
I’ve heard your voice
Just saying to me
I love you
But I don’t trust you
And I'm afraid I never will


I love this. It's so true in my opinion. I see nothing wrong with this poem, and I loved it loved it loved it! You did a great job on writing this, and I know I'm not the best at reviewing, but if you need anything reviewed, just ask!

Thankies!

}}i{{FS}}i{{

PS: Did I mention I love this!?
Hakuna Matata <3
RIP to all my friends who didn’t make it.

Hop freight or get lost.
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Haileyanniful
Gender Female
Points 1136
Reviews 11
Wed Jul 28, 2010 11:59 pm
Haileyanniful says... · Wed Jul 28, 2010 11:59 pm
Hello(:

I really enjoyed your poem. Throughout the entire thing, I was thinking of how right you were. The way the sentences were pieced together made the poem better, in my opinion. I agree with the person above me(:
Other than no punctuation, I find no problems.
A delicate word to assure the heart, yet 'forever' means nothing. For; it ended at the start<3
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GagaBowie
Gender None specified
Points 1240
Reviews 18
Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:15 am
GagaBowie says... · Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:15 am
hi, i really liked this poem. I thought you planned it out well and added a lot of detail.
Well done! :)
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bloodyblackrose
Gender Female
Points 1550
Reviews 25
Sun Aug 01, 2010 12:48 am
bloodyblackrose says... · Sun Aug 01, 2010 12:48 am
i love this poem. it expresses the feeling that most people are afraid to talk about. the feeling that love is non-existant..... or that you're afraid to feel love because of the hurt it brings.... i love these kinds of poems. the poems that talk about what the world is really like. the fact that there is no prince charming, there is no truly happily ever after, and that everything will not always be okay. people need writers like you to reveal that truth to them, to open their eyes so they dont go on with life thinking that it will always rain bubbles and daisies.....
<<rose.blood.dripping.down.the.walls.>>
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The shame of being a man - is there any better reason to write?
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