My Sign is Vital, My Hands are Cold

I was listening to Are We Human, by Killer on the radio, and this image formed in my head.And i can't stop thinking about it!!!!! So i wrote this scene based off of the image, and what i could tell about the character.

....my sign is vital, my hands are cold -- from Are We Human


He watched his heart-rate monitor intently, rubbing his icy hands together in the hot hospital room. The spikes indicating his heart-beat were few and far between, growing more and more like flat-lining with every passing second. He was dying. He accepted it without complaint, though he knew it wasn’t yet his time. He had chosen this long ago, knowing the consequences it would bring. He just hadn’t known it would happen so soon.
Through their connection, he felt Rissa’s grief; so intense it was almost pain. He drew up his last reserves of energy to comfort her, soothing her distress as best her could.
Why? She asked. I am an immortal. You would be fine if it wasn’t for this stupid bond. If not for me. I’m….killing you.
I made up my mind long ago, Rissa. It was my choice to make the bond. One life is a small price to pay for the many that would have been taken if I had not chosen such. He told her.
What will I do without you?
He bit his lip. Tor can take care of you. You’ll survive.
She began to cry, and he could almost feel her wet, pulsing tears on his cool skin. I’ll miss you.
I know. Don’t mourn me. Go on with life. Your people need you, so don’t let me die in vain. Or I swear, Nerissa Vasilisa Hale, I will haunt you for eternity. Promise me, Rissa.
I promise.
Good. He watched his monitor for a few more seconds, watching the line get flatter and flatter. He felt nothing. The pain medication was too good for that.
Good bye, Rissa. You’re the best friend anyone, human or no, could wish for.
Oh, Dymetry, you can’t –
Hush, Rissa. I love you. Good bye.
Than he took a last breath and closed his eyes.
On the monitor, his line went flat.

Hiya Sierra! I see you are new, so welcome to the Young Writers' Society! I think I will just go through and edit some things in red and nitpick along the way.

Sierra wrote:He watched his heart-rate monitor intently, rubbing his icy hands together in the hot hospital room. The spikes indicating his heartbeat were few and far between, growing more and more like flat-lining with every passing second. He was dying. He accepted it without complaint, though he knew it wasn’t yet his time. He had chosen this long ago, knowing the consequences it would bring. He just hadn’t known it would happen so soon. Through [indicate who "they" are] connection, he felt Rissa’s grief, so intense it was almost pain. He drew up his last reserves of energy to comfort her, soothing her distress as best he could.

What is your main character's name? Some stories are nameless; I have written a few myself. However, you use Rissa's name, and you refer to the main character quite frequently, so I might recommend naming him.

Also, I might omit the word "hot" from the first line. Hot hospital sounds funny. How about "sweltering" or "steamy"?

Sierra wrote:Why? She asked. I am an immortal. You would be fine if it weren't for this stupid bond. If [it weren't for]for me. I’m ... Ellipses consist of three periods, not four. killing you.

I made up my mind long ago, Rissa. It was my choice to make the bond. One life is a small price to pay for the many that would have been taken if I had not chosen such. He told her.

Frankly, the italics bother me. Italics are often used to indicate thoughts. Since most people are not used to having italics indicate speech, the lack of quotation marks here may cause confusion.

Sierra wrote:What will I do without you?

He bit his lip. Tor can take care of you. You’ll survive.

She began to cry, and he could almost feel her wet, pulsing tears on his cool skin. I’ll miss you.

Wait, why could he only "almost" feel Rissa's tears?

Sierra wrote:I know. Don’t mourn me. Go on with life. Your people need you, so don’t let me die in vain. Or I swear, Nerissa Vasilisa Hale, I will haunt you for eternity. Promise me, Rissa.

I promise.

Good. He watched his monitor for a few more seconds, How about "seeing"? You use "watch" twice.the line get flatter and flatter. He felt nothing. The pain medication was too good for that.

Too good for what?

Sierra wrote:Good bye, Rissa. You’re the best friend anyone, human or not, could wish for.
Oh, Dymetry, you can’t –

Oh, I see. His name is Dymetry. I still might make this evident in the opening paragraph.

Sierra wrote:Hush, Rissa. I love you. Good bye.
Then he took a last breath and closed his eyes.
On the monitor, his line went flat.

Overall, this is a very nice little story. The emotions are vivid and clear throughout, and I like the fact that it was based on a song. However, I was a bit confused overall. What is this "bond?" With a little more explaining, this story could go from "very nice" to fantastic! I hope one of the first reviews you have received proves well, and, once again, welcome to YWS!

Hi Sierra,

I picked this story because of the name. I love The Killers! .....Alright sooo unto more important things.

It was really hard to know who's thoughts were who's. Maybe you should have made Rissa's italics and your MC bold to show the difference. I like the way you introduced us to the characters but I didnt like the way there was no description of what they looked like. Leaving me to picture two faceless characters.

The story was quite short and ticked all the right boxes for a short story unlike the long winded fifty pages that i normally see. It left me wanting more and there were minimal to no spelling mistakes.

I liked the way his death was gradual- not because I'm a sadist or anything - but because it allowed the reader to go through his pain, and in a way understand it. But there was no light shed on the characters. Who is Tor? Who is he to Rissa or your MC?

What do they like? How did they meet? How is Rissa an immortal? None of this is hinted upon or even touched.

Other than that I loved it.

Keep Writing. ~Anger..

Can I first just say, that this is really sweet and I was drawn here because of the title... The Killers, *SQUEE!*

But onto the review.

Sierra wrote:I was listening to Are We Human, by Killer on the radio, and this image formed in my head.And i can't stop thinking about it!!!!! So i wrote this scene based off of the image, and what i could tell about the character.

....my sign is vital, my hands are cold -- from Are We Human


He watched his heart-rate monitor intently, rubbing his icy hands together in the hot hospital room. The spikes indicating his heart-beat were few and far between, growing more and more like flat-lining with every passing second. He was dying. He accepted it without complaint, though he knew it wasn’t yet his time. He had chosen this long ago, knowing the consequences it would bring. He just hadn’t known it would happen so soon.
Through their connection, he felt Rissa’s grief; so intense it was almost pain. He drew up his last reserves of energy to comfort her, soothing her distress as best her could.
Why? she asked. I am an immortal. You would be fine if it wasn’t for this stupid bond. If not for me. I’m…killing you.
I made up my mind long ago, Rissa. It was my choice to make the bond. One life is a small price to pay for the many that would have been taken if I had not chosen such. He told her.
What will I do without you?
He bit his lip. Tor can take care of you. You’ll survive.
She began to cry, and he could almost feel her wet, pulsing tears on his cool skin. I’ll miss you.
I know. Don’t mourn me. Go on with life. Your people need you, so don’t let me die in vain. Or I swear, Nerissa Vasilisa Hale, I will haunt you for eternity. Promise me, Rissa.
I promise.
Good. He watched his monitor for a few more seconds, watching the line get flatter and flatter. He felt nothing. The pain medication was too good for that.
Good bye, Rissa. You’re the best friend anyone, human or no, could wish for.
Oh, Dymetry, you can’t –
Hush, Rissa. I love you. Good bye. <(Just a suggestion for this line is that you can put 'Good bye' on the next line, just to add more meaning and impact to your words.)
Then he took a last breath and closed his eyes.
On the monitor, his line went flat.

Overall, pretty good in punctuation and grammer. Very well done. It is a good story, and I really felt the connection between your characters... if you get what I mean, no pun intended. Some real romantics will squee over this. Maybe one or two will cry, espesially if they already knew the characters. In all, I liked it, and I'm *liking* it.

~Durrs

This was good, but AngerManagement's right, it's hard to tell who's saying what. You could add phrases such as "he thought' or "she thought back" to clarify, maybe.

I didn't really understand what much of their exchange was about. There must be more to this story. How about you make this a prologue and try to expand it or something through another post? It sounds like it could make for a fine tale, and it'd be nice to have some explanation without adding to this piece, because I think adding more writing to this would hurt its simplicity and sweetness.

Love that song! It's called Human, by the way, not Are We Human.

Overall, interesting piece. You give us some nice characters, an interesting plot. I'd like to know more, though. This feels like the twentieth episode of a good TV series that I never watched. it's good, but I have no idea who anyone is or what's going on. This seems like a good skeleton of a story- give us more!

-Dreamy

Hey Sierra!
I'll start off like everyone else did, I love The Killers!(: I think it's awesome that the song moved you so much to write a story based off of it. The power of music...gotta love it

Anyways, this was a well written story, but it doesn't tell us anything about the MC. We know he died, but that's about it. What is he ailing from? Who is Rissa and the other characters who were talked about? And this connection between the MC and Rissa, I would love to know more about that. This has too many loose ends. I'd be cheesy if I told you to tie them together, but it's true, you need to bring it all together so that the reader knows and understands everything going on.

One line really stuck out to me more than the rest

The spikes indicating his heart-beat were few and far between, growing more and more like flat-lining with every passing second. He was dying.

Amazing way to describe the fact that he was dying!

PM me if you need any help!
-SodapopLunchbox

Hi, Sierra, I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you. I have to say, it's a catchy song you've based this off of. Let's get to work:

He watched his heart-rate monitor intently, rubbing his icy hands together in the hot hospital room

I personally didn't find this a catching opening line at all, which is probably because I expect opening lines for short stories, especially ones as short as this to be gripping, as in, I want them to catch my attention and tell me to keep reading. For a story like this, your opening line should set the tone of the story, and here, it hasn't quite done so. Rather, it's kind of exposed the story roll, in a not-so-great way, because with the "hot hospital room", you let us know that this is a hospital, and someone is suffering. I think you should have worked that into the story better, dear, and probably clued at it before dropping it by saying outright that it's a hospital room.

Also, this is more a personal pet peeve that I've come to develop over the last few years, but! I don't really like the usage of adverbs or "sorta-words" to describe, as in intently, and icy, as you have here, because it's kind of saying that this is action is "sort of like this", as in, he's sorta kinda staring intently at that heart monitor. Not a total bad thing, and more of a pet peeve on my part, but I think that this could work a lot better if you cleaned this up a little -- use clear words to describe, use metaphor, be the master of these words, Sierra, and make them do whatever you need them to do so that they work to your advantage.

(even if it means you need to make them bow down to you.)

The spikes indicating his heart-beat were few and far between, growing more and more like flat-lining with every passing second. He was dying. He accepted it without complaint, though he knew it wasn’t yet his time. He had chosen this long ago, knowing the consequences it would bring. He just hadn’t known it would happen so soon.

Okay, so, I'm not sure if you've ever seen witnessed a heart monitor performing (aside from televised ones; television is sooo totally a screening of deception sometimes, haha, so it's hard to take from them and come away as realistic -- not saying this was taken from TV, but, yeah, ignore my rambling) but, if the spikes are few, and far between, then the patient would be very close to, if not, unconscious, because that's so little blood pumping to the brain and all of the functions it takes to be awake, let alone speak.

I'm confused, though, because this sounds like a miniature contradiction wrapped up in here, dearie, where you say that "he knew it wasn't yet his time," and in two sentences later, you say that "he just hadn't known it would happen so soon." With a bit of thought applied, I understand that at present, he's not going to die right this instant, but he didn't expect that he would be here in this hospital room so soon, or something along those lines -- in the same paragraph, that gets a little confusing because you're no longer thinking present tense, but now, past tense; I think that to justify this, you should separate these two ideas in different paragraphs, and perhaps open up a little about how he knew it was coming, because it's all a bit mysterious right now.

(Sometimes, mystery is good; but not too much)

Through their connection, he felt Rissa’s grief; so intense it was almost pain. He drew up his last reserves of energy to comfort her, soothing her distress as best her could.

Who is Rissa?

I think that's supposed to be "he" there.

Complete the images you begin to create, Sierra; "it was almost pain" is incomplete, to me. It could be pain, dear, but almost pain to him or her?

Why? She asked. I am an immortal. You would be fine if it wasn’t for this stupid bond. If not for me. I’m….killing you.

This is our first introduction to the "supernatural" side of the story; prior to here, we have no inkling that this may take a fantasy route, and not that you have to pre-introduce all of this to us before it comes along, I think you need to set the tone of the story better at the beginning, dear, by including "hints" or words that let us know something of what's to come, you know?

Furthermore! Use more description! I know you can; "she asked" is kind of... flat. Is she crying? Does she choke over her words? Fill us in more with these details.

I made up my mind long ago, Rissa. It was my choice to make the bond. One life is a small price to pay for the many that would have been taken if I had not chosen such. He told her.

Here, we're at the climatic point of the story, and I think details such as this bond they speak of need to be filled in, dear, because I'm left wondering why he has to die for all these people. This is a detail that needs to be provided.

What will I do without you?
He bit his lip. Tor can take care of you. You’ll survive.
She began to cry, and he could almost feel her wet, pulsing tears on his cool skin. I’ll miss you.

Pulsing tears? I don't like that image, haha. It sounds like they're throbbing against his skin.

Good bye, Rissa. You’re the best friend anyone, human or no, could wish for.
Oh, Dymetry, you can’t –
Hush, Rissa. I love you. Good bye.
Than he took a last breath and closed his eyes.
On the monitor, his line went flat.

[/quote]


Generally, a heart monitor would continue for a few after the person's eyes closed, otherwise deaths would always be terribly dramatic and anti climatic and just not how they usually are.

I felt that their goodbye was a little less than what you could've made it, dear; until the very end, I didn't know that Dymetry loved Rissa, because you made your character's with a pallid approach to the situation at hand and each other; there's little to no emotion here that we can rely on for tone of story, for the essential parts that we need to know. Make them hold hands, and make this moment a little less one-sided on their behalves, because, here, I think that you need to create a sense of connectivity between these two for the story's benefit.

Nice work, keep it up. Let me know if you post something else!

June

Hey there!

I'd like to say that all in all I liked it. Sometimes it was a little hard to understand what exactly was happening, but that's nothing that some editing could fix.

I particularly liked the line about the pain medications being to good to let him feel anything. It showed the characters personality. There were some parts that needed a little bit of sprucing up, but I'm guessing that the reviewers above me have already covered them.

Like others, I was confused about what was going on. Other than that, I had to stop and think right at the beginning. Is the person looking at their own heart monitor? Because if it's practically flat lining, they'd probably be unconscious. The heart pumps blood to the body, and by association, the brain. If the brain doesn't have enough blood, you black-out or pass-out.