Maybe at Your Door

There was a knocking on the door. It was night. Silence was so suffocating that I wanted to scream for it. Yet, there was a knocking on the door.

It slowly carried across the corridor, growing louder and bigger, ending at my room. It suddenly gladdened my heart. Then, wide-eyed, I felt my heart froze- it was midnight. Maybe it could be a murderer I heard of with a bloody knife. Many thoughts raced through my head, almost exploding in my mind.

It could be my mother returning from the local meeting. Moment later, I thought it must be a false knock. Yet again, there was a knock on the door. I slowly came back to reality. Walking out of the bed on which I wrapped myself in a thick blanket, I went slowly through the corridor to the door. Someone knocked, once more. The sound carried slowly down the corridor, like a gently tolled double bell.

I started to wonder who it is. I thought of a fat rich person with money sticking out of every pockets in his suits, then a clown who suddenly so throws the pie, or I thought it could be, simply, my mother. Each second felt like a minute and each step took as much effort as wading against a gentle creek.

I carefully looked through the spy hole. It wasn’t my mother, disappointing me greatly; there was a silhouette of a man. Noting him possibly as a beggar, I spoke, “what do you want?”

The man spoke nothing. He stood what seemed to be minutes. I felt as if he was seeing me in the dark even when there was a door between us. He whispered “do you believe in God?”

“Who are you? What do you want?” I spoke back to him, feeling rather much secured. This person is crazy beggar.

He merely whispered back, “do you believe in God, your Lord, the Savior?”

I stood back. This person is a waste of my time. Then, with a jolt, I realized.
“Why is He my lord? Isn’t He your lord, too?” I shouted back at him.

The person seemed to be smiling. He raised his hand to his chin, with a hand with a hole…

Woah...that's a little freaky... But very good. I like it a lot. The first part is a little hard to read, you might want to break it up into more paragraphs. Other than that I thought it was pretty good, if not short.

That was interesting....I know what you're getting at, but yes the first part was a bit confusing... And I suggest that instead of him putting his hand to his chin, put 'he extended his hand to me; a hand whith a hole...' or something like that

It is good, I don't find the first bit confusing... I find the ending bit much more confusing. I like how you build it up, making our minds wonder, who is knocking on the door? Making us think for a moment.

The person seemed to be smiling. He raised his hand to his chin, with a hand with a hole…

I don't get that.... <____<;

This is a great idea, a great concept. However, the ending line isn't clear, which leads to a great disappointment and overall, a misunderstanding of the story. To answer your question, Emma, the person at the door is supposed to be Christ himself (correct me if I'm wrong), personified by the wounds in his hands. However, it's hard to decipher the last line--especially if you're a non-Christian.

I think your writing on this is pretty good on this, don't get me wrong. But the plot and dialogue lack.
Who exactly is the person on the inside of the house? Does he (or she) believe in God? Is he cynical towards God? Is he an ardent believer? Somewhere in the middle of the road? I think this is one of the key things that needs to come across in the story--then you'll be able to figure out why he responds the way he does.

Also, I know this is nitpicky, but you need to keep your capitalizations of Lord and Savior unison. For example:

“Who are you? What do you want?” I spoke back to him, feeling rather much secured. This person is crazy beggar.

He merely whispered back, “do you believe in God, your Lord, the Savior?”

I stood back. This person is a waste of my time. Then, with a jolt, I realized.
“Why is He my lord? Isn’t He your lord, too?” I shouted back at him.

If you're going to capitalize Lord the first time, you need to be consistent throughout the story.

There are a bunch of grammatical mistakes in this, especially towards the end I noticed. The end, in general, seems rushed. The dialogue could stand to be a bit longer. And please, please fix that last line. Maybe something along the lines of "The person smiled and raised his hand to his chin. With that, I let out a terrified gasp, now clearly able to see the wound embedded into his hand." That example was a little weak, but you get the idea.

Please work at this. I can see it has potential--and with a bit of care, it could be really great.

I agree with Shriek. I was a little confused with the last line, which caused a bit of an anti-climax - I thought it was a Jehovah's witness which made me laugh. It's a very good concept, you just need to broaden the text for a wider audience.

Emphasising what Shriek said; the last bit feels like I'm being hurried along rather than slowly taken for a ride.

Yeah, I have to agree. It's a good idea, but the last line you have read over a couple times before you get it. It's not the imagery...it's the way you arranged the words. Play around with the last line for awhile until you get something great- the best ending for such a cool story.

The first line(paragraph?), too, needs a little work. It's quite redundant and doesn't help the story any. And besides, if silence was suffocating why would you shriek for more? The wording is pretty awkward. (Also get rid of 'yet there was a knocking at the door.' )

Great idea, I must say. Really makes you think...quite a rarity around the boards. Good job!

wow, this is a very interesting start to the story, ii would like to read more.