Dark Secrets [Chapter Two]

Sophia and Peyton set their lunch trays down on the table. They each pulled a plastic, orange chair from the table and sat. Mackenzie Peters and Alexis DuLac stared at them oddly.

“Hey…” Sophia murmured.

“Wow, you seem out of it.” Mackenzie noted, picking at her leafy salad.

“Ugh, it’s nothing major… I don’t think so, anyway. Just some text messages…”

Alexis reached for her tweed purple shoulder bag. She carefully lifted out her Sidekick.

“From someone named ‘I’?” Mackenzie asked. She pulled her cell phone from her pocket.

“Yeah… I’ve only gotten one so far, but Sophia said she got one too.” Peyton confirmed.

Before Mackenzie could reply, her phone vibrated. Peyton’s Sidekick bleated, as did Alexis’ and Sophia’s phones.

They exchanged worried glances before hitting READ.

Hello again, girlies!

You won’t get rid of me anytime soon. I have the power to destroy you. Watch your pretty backs… or I’ll strike.
I’m closer than you think.
- I

Sophia’s face blanched. Peyton slid her Sidekick back into her purse. Mackenzie and Alexis looked at each other.

“Closer than we think…” Sophia trailed off.

Peyton glanced around the cafeteria. Ivy Jameson was sitting at a table by herself, pushing her round glasses up her nose. She ripped a notebook from her bag and began furiously writing.

It couldn’t be Ivy. She was a grade-grubber. What dirt could she have on the most popular girls in school?

There’s no way it was Ivy. She doesn’t even own a cell phone.

Peyton sighed and turned back to her friends.

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Peyton inhaled deeply. She blinked again, staring at the screen. Isabelle was the centre of the news report again today.

“Authorities are continuing to investigate the sudden disappearance of seventeen year old Isabelle Evans, who vanished from her Pennsylvanian residence two months ago. They haven’t uncovered any more clues, but they are beginning to re-interview those close to Evans.” The news anchor said.

The screen changed. A reporter was holding her microphone up to an older woman’s face. The woman was sobbing and wiping her eyes on her bell-sleeved top.

“Mrs. Evans, are you still holding onto the hope that your daughter will return?”

“Yes, I still believe that Isabelle is out there. I don’t know why she isn’t coming home, but I believe that she is still alive.” Mrs. Evans said firmly.

“How are you coping with the disappearance?” The reporter questioned.

“We’re coping as best we can.”

“Can you give us any more information or details on the night that Isabelle went missing?” The reporter probed.

“Before she left the house around ten-thirty PM, she had a terrible argument with me. She said that her life was being ruined, and that she couldn’t take it anymore. She told me she was sleeping at a friend’s house, and that she’d call me in the morning.” Mrs. Evans babbled.

“And when she failed to call you, you informed the police?”

“Yes. I was worried – she always called me before she came home.” Mrs. Evans said.

“Is there anything you’d like to say?”

Mrs. Evans turned to the camera. “Isabelle, honey, if you’re out there – please, please come home. We love you and miss you very much.” Mrs. Evans screeched.

“For MPR News, I’m Jan Anderson.”

The screen turned to a picture of a sinking oil rig. Peyton turned off the television and clomped upstairs.

A minute later, she twisted the doorknob of her room. The door flew open and she stepped inside.

Peyton loved her room. With its dark purple walls, silver bedding and black furniture, it was her perfect description of an escape.

She flopped down on her bed and pulled a framed picture towards her. It was the same picture that Sophia kept in her bedroom of the three girls.

She studied it. The day had been clear and sunny. It was exactly two weeks since Isabelle disappeared. The three girls had met at the local park and decided to take a picture of themselves looking happy and refreshed. They wanted to show the allusion of perfection – like they weren’t affected by Isabelle’s disappearance.

The allusion was imperfect. It hadn’t worked.

Peyton sighed and carefully put the picture back on her night table. “PEYTON!”

She sat up and jumped off the bed, flying to the top of the stairwell. She sighed before walking down it, into the kitchen.

“Dinner’s ready,” Her mother said, placing a steaming dish on the table.

Peyton sat down across from her mother’s seat. She unfolded a linen napkin into her lap before reaching for the dish.

Spaghetti… didn’t her mother know how bad spaghetti was for an anorexic?

She spooned a few strands of it onto her plate. Steam curled around her. She shakily picked up her fork and twirled it around.

“Is that all your getting?” Her mother raised an eyebrow.

“Yep, I ate a huge lunch.” Peyton lied.

“Okay, then.”

Peyton smiled before placing the noodles in her mouth. Tomato exploded on her tongue. She grimaced and swallowed.

“You don’t like it?”

“No, Mom. I love it… I’m just not hungry.” Peyton explained, eating another few noodles.

Her mother sighed and turned back to her food.

“I have homework.” Peyton blurted, toppling out of her chair. She breezed out of the kitchen and clambered up the stairwell.

Once she was in her room, she turned to the full length mirror. I am thin. I am strong. To stay strong, don’t eat until lunch time tomorrow.

She chanted her mantra as she opened her cell phone, her screen saver glaring at her; a picture of herself and her four best friends. Isabelle was front and centre.

She snapped it closed before her mind could wander. Don’t think about Isabelle… she’s fine, she’s okay.

She wasn’t very convincing, though…

Hey there Raven,

I'm Tanya, here for a review!

First of all, the beginning was intriguing, interesting. COuldn't wait to learn more, then you change to Peyton's scene. A few things wrong there.

“And when she failed to call you, you informed the police?”

“Yes. I was worried – she always called me before she came home.” Mrs. Evans said.

No way. She would have grabbed the phone and called all of Isabelle's friends first. Not the cops. Besides, they wouldn't do anything if she's been disappeared for less than 24 hours.

She flopped down on her bed and pulled a framed picture towards her. It was the same picture that Sophia kept in her bedroom of the three girls.

She studied it. The day had been clear and sunny. It was exactly two weeks since Isabelle disappeared. The three girls had met at the local park and decided to take a picture of themselves looking happy and refreshed. They wanted to show the allusion of perfection – like they weren’t affected by Isabelle’s disappearance.

The allusion was imperfect. It hadn’t worked.

Um, of what three girls? I thought Isabelle, but you said she had been gone for two weeks. Also, read this:
The noun allusion means "an indirect reference to a person, event, or thing." Illusion is a noun that means "false impression."

She sat up and jumped off the bed, flying to the top of the stairwell. She sighed before walking down it, into the kitchen.

She jumps, runs, then WALKS down the stairs? I thought she was frightened of the person calling, or just naturally a jumpy person but why two opposite actions here?

Spaghetti… didn’t her mother know how bad spaghetti was for an anorexic?

Have you ever heard the saying that evil people don't think they are evil? Well, same goes here: anorexics don't think they are anorexic. They think they are fat, they need to slim down. Besides, you are TELLING us Peyton has a problem, not showing us, which you should be doing instead.

Once she was in her room, she turned to the full length mirror. I am thin. I am strong. To stay strong, don’t eat until lunch time tomorrow.

This still doesn't work. If she is anorexic, this would be the perfect time to SHOW us. Maybe she could strip naked and study herself. You could say that her collarbones jutted out, her hip bones jutted out, her wrists were squeletic but that she STILLS considers herself fat. THEN we would know that she has a problem.

Also, why isn't she thinking about the random text messages her and her friends are getting? Shouldn't that be on her mind?

Good luck and keep writing, this story is quite interesting!

Tanya

Hi Raven! SporkPunk here, and I'll be reviewing today.

Tanya got most of the major points, like the unrealistic situation with the cops, and the anorexia.

One little grammatical nitpick, though. When dialogue ends, generally it's followed by a comma. Like this:

"Hey, I like food," she laughed.

Also, I couldn't help but notice the staggering similarities between this piece and that ABC Family show, "Pretty Little Liars," which premiered in June. Just putting that out there.

Other than that, it was a fairly well executed piece, and entertaining.

~Sporky

Hey, me again. And the review begins..

You don't need to tell us the last names. You already did that earlier.

The girls should freak out more about getting the phone calls. They should consider calling the cops or something. Right now they don't seem real. They should be deciding what to do instead of waiting for the next plot event to occur. Have they considered telling their parents about the call? Are they going to talk about it with each other?

You switched point of view again from Sophia to Peyton without warning.

They wanted to show the allusion of perfection – like they weren’t affected by Isabelle’s disappearance.

Why would they want to act unaffected by their friend's disappearance?

Last nitpick:

Sophia and Peyton set their lunch trays down on the table. They each pulled a plastic, orange chair from the table and sat.

A minute later, she twisted the doorknob of her room. The door flew open and she stepped inside.

You don't need to tell us every little action. The reader's know you have to pull out a chair before you sit in it. They know you turn a door knob to open a door. Reading about it is boring. Instead focus on important things like how the girls are feeling and what they're thinking.

Hey Raven. Shubhi here again. I did have something to review, but I wanted to review this first as I was very intrigued by this story. And I think I didn't do any wrong.

Sophia’s face blanched.

So, this is what I wanted for a description.

“PEYTON!”

I got confused here when this came in middle. I think you should add something like 'someone called', or something.

She wasn’t very convincing, though…

It should be convinced.

“Dinner’s ready,” Her mother said, placing a steaming dish on the table.

When you place a comma after a dialog, then the rest of the sentence's beginning goes with a small letter. And in this case particularly, as there is more after the dialog, there shouldn't be a comma but a full-stop.
For example: "You're not going anywhere,"she remarked.Here, we are just being told that the speaker is just saying, or only an action has been said, so we put a comma.
"You're not going anywhere."Her mother said firmly, placing down her coffee mug on the wooden table. Here, there is more than 'she said' or 'she whispered', so we put a full-stop.

The story is really thrilling and I cannot wait to read more. Also, this was better in sense of writing and I think there were more descriptions and feelings than what you gave in the last chapter, though they're not adequate enough. As Viviel rightly said that you don't need to tell us her or any other character's every action, but should concentrate more on how they feel and react to such mysterious situations.

My one problem here is that in the beginning you began with the land of Prada, Gucci, etc. there is no love or trust, something like that. Here in this chapter you said why would Ivy take revenge or tiff with them as they are Populars. But I only know this from your words. I want to know how exactly they are-their way of living, mostly when we have such stories the emphasis is laid on the dresses of the girls, mainly because they are style statement. So, just describe their dresses, their way of walking and all that stuff. PM me if I got you confused.

I have to admit that this is not at all written nicely, it can use a lot of work, but there is something about this story that makes me want to read it more, so I love reading it from that point of view. But, seriously you need to work on your writing. Sorry if this was a harsh review.

Bye and take care,
~Shubhi