The Fallen Angel:Prologue

To be or not to be? That is the question- This very question has puzzled mankind ever since it's conception. A very famous, very wise son of Adam wrote it many centuries ago, when they still feared the wide unknown. This famous playwright by the name of William Shakespeare brought the once silent question to life, into existence. But what, if we continue to ponder, is the outrageous answer to this ever puzzling question? Who in their right mind could possibly answer it in it's entirety? Prophets, sages, fortune tellers have all attempted to do so, while failing abysmally. Personally, I wouldn't dare touch it. Not if I must also question the consequences.

Meddling with mankind is what I have done ever since He felt the urge to possess and control. The call of power can corrupt even the most powerful. He needed it, he craved it so much, and so bad. These creatures created in 'our' image were lost before they even had a chance to evolve to an appropriate standard.

But, back to the original question. To consider it properly, means to consider all of the variables, the opposing theories. What if you can't physically die? Emotionally, perhaps, but not physically. Never physically. Especially if you have been cursed by your own kind, forced to roam an once barren planet, feeding off your brother's creation that intrigued you so much? What if their very essence, their life, to keep the outrageous pain at bay? Yes, I was cursed. I was tired of following of blindly following the rules of Home. Celestia. It seems so long since I ever thought about it. A planet concocted of Balance. A planet of purity on one side, with chaotic darkness hidden beneath. The Underground, The Fallen Gate, it had many names, they all meant the same thing. The fact was, I never actually considered that they would apply to myself one day. To be branded as an outcast by those whom I had once called my brothers and sisters, even if they were only my brothers and sisters by heart and not flesh. Betrayed and banished by my Family. By what the later generations of Adam and Eve came to call the 'Supernatural', or in some cases, the 'Heavenly'. To a majority of them, we gave guidance. Having higher brainwave activity gave us the ability to be 'telepathic' as it were. Physical words were only used when speaking to an outsider, or expressing great feeling or emotion. Humankind labelled this ability 'angelic' when referring to our Kind, but 'satanic' or dangerous when it applied to those of their own race. Some people were simply created or gifted with higher brainwave activity than normal, allowing them to possess this ability as well. Most are unconscious of it, unless it is that high that it allows lower frequency brainwave activity to be heard, like a voice in their head.
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Some have used this ability to better themselves, others to help those surrounding them. In rare cases, their power was used to unify. The conception of Christianity, for example. It took one 'telepath' to create one of the largest religions in modern day society. One man, blessed by Jehovah, my brother in blood.
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“Lilith, the ceremony is almost ready to commence. Our King is requesting your presence.” I smiled wryly, snapping back into reality. I looked up at my young child, her brown eyes fixated on my wrists. They hadn't healed as of yet.
“Is everything in order, Dalila?” She nodded once before frowning sadly. I waved the matter away, trying to ignore the steady thrum in the back of my mind.
“Yes, Lilith.”
“Well then, I believe my son has waited long enough. Five hundred years is more than enough, correct?” I had promised him that I would remain until he had a Mate of his own before returning to the Fallen Gate hidden in the centre of this world since time immemorial. But perhaps, I should explain myself better? Very well then. We will begin this tale where it should be started. The beginning is always a good place to start.

This is an interesting introduction. Very philosophical. It does start off a little slow, but you say some interesting things in your first paragraph. I liked your second paragraph best. I assume "He" refers to God, and the idea that He is as power hungry and easily corrupted as many of the human race is an original one. I have never really seen that idea before.

I did have some trouble with the third paragraph:

But, back to the original question. To consider it properly, means to consider all of the variables, the opposing theories. What if you can't physically die? Emotionally, perhaps, but not physically. Never physically. Especially if you have been cursed by your own kind, forced to roam an once barren planet, feeding off your brother's creation that intrigued you so much? What if their very essence, their life, to keep the outrageous pain at bay? Yes, I was cursed. I was tired of following of blindly following the rules of Home. Celestia. It seems so long since I ever thought about it. A planet concocted of Balance. A planet of purity on one side, with chaotic darkness hidden beneath. The Underground, The Fallen Gate, it had many names; they all meant the same thing. The fact was, I never actually considered that they would apply to myself one day. To be branded as an outcast by those whom I had once called my brothers and sisters, even if they were only my brothers and sisters by heart and not flesh. Betrayed and banished by my Family. By what the later generations of Adam and Eve came to call the 'Supernatural', or in some cases, the 'Heavenly'. To a majority of them, we gave guidance. Having higher brainwave activity gave us the ability to be 'telepathic', as it were. Physical words were only used when speaking to an outsider, or expressing great feeling or emotion. Humankind labelled labeledthis ability 'angelic' when referring to our Kind, but 'satanic' or dangerous when it applied to those of their own race. Some people were simply created or gifted with higher brainwave activity than normal, allowing them to possess this ability as well. Most are unconscious of it, unless it is that high that it allows lower frequency brainwave activity to be heard, like a voice in their head.

This is a long paragraph. A reader would probably find this tough to get through. You talk about several different things in here, and sort of mash your thoughts all together, which can be very confusing to a reader. I'd suggest breaking down this paragraph into smaller ones about each specific topic.

Any grammar or spelling corrections--there weren't many, you write very nicely--are in red in the paragraph above. Continue writing this. I very much like your idea, you just need to keep the reader hooked. PM me with any questions.

Hello there and welcome to YWS LiteraryBeauty

What an interesting introduction, I loved the depth and logic in it. I agree with theEnigma about your paragraphs, maybe you could separate them a bit, also almost all the errors I spotted have been outlined in the previous review. So I won't say much except, I love your writing style, definitely unique and you did a good job with the suspense. Good job!

Looking forward to seeing more work from you
Ziggie

maybe space the paragraph because it's all bunched up and it just makes it look like a huge long sentence.
looking forward to the next ^-^

This interested me a lot. I'm looking forward to more

Nitpick: One thing that caught my attention was how you jammed your sentences together into one long paragraph. To keep the readers attention, you should separate it into smaller paragraphs.

Overall, though, I found this interesting and liked the logic in it.

Keep writing!

- RedRaven

Hello! I am Jessica and I will be reviewing this piece today. By the way, welcome to the YWS! Hope you enjoy your time here.
First of all, I liked the story. It was good and mysterious and really has potential!

LiteraryBeauty wrote:“Well then, I believe my son has waited long enough. Five hundred years is more than enough, correct?” I had promised him that I would remain until he had a Mate of his own before returning to the Fallen Gate hidden in the centre of this world since time immemorial. But perhaps, I should explain myself better? Very well then. We will begin this tale where it should be started. The beginning is always a good place to start.

There should be quotation marks at the end of this sentence, notice you were correct with quotations in the beginning of this character's speech, but you need them at the end, too.

You had some really big, chunky paragraphs. When a change of description, event, or even thought, another paragraph can be created.
You have okay description but maybe try and use that to grip the reader and pull them in.
This is just the prologue, so I would love to hear more about the characters and scenery.
I can't wait to read more!
- Jessica

This is pretty good. I especially like how you introduced it. Now, I'm not one for philosophy but it caught my attention. I don't know if it's because I like shakespeare but it definitely caught my attention. I hope you write more.

LiteraryBeauty wrote:

LiteraryBeauty wrote:
But, back to the original question. To consider it properly, means to consider all of the variables, the opposing theories. What if you can't physically die? Emotionally, perhaps, but not physically. Never physically. Especially if you have been cursed by your own kind, forced to roam an once barren planet, feeding off your brother's creation that intrigued you so much? What if their very essence, their life, to keep the outrageous pain at bay? Yes, I was cursed. I was tired of following of blindly following the rules of Home. Celestia. It seems so long since I ever thought about it. A planet concocted of Balance. A planet of purity on one side, with chaotic darkness hidden beneath. The Underground, The Fallen Gate, it had many names, they all meant the same thing. The fact was, I never actually considered that they would apply to myself one day. To be branded as an outcast by those whom I had once called my brothers and sisters, even if they were only my brothers and sisters by heart and not flesh. Betrayed and banished by my Family. By what the later generations of Adam and Eve came to call the 'Supernatural', or in some cases, the 'Heavenly'. To a majority of them, we gave guidance. Having higher brainwave activity gave us the ability to be 'telepathic' as it were. Physical words were only used when speaking to an outsider, or expressing great feeling or emotion. Humankind labelled this ability 'angelic' when referring to our Kind, but 'satanic' or dangerous when it applied to those of their own race. Some people were simply created or gifted with higher brainwave activity than normal, allowing them to possess this ability as well. Most are unconscious of it, unless it is that high that it allows lower frequency brainwave activity to be heard, like a voice in their head. Wow, that paragraph was long. It's sort of rambled. My advice would be to break it up into three or four paragraphs

We will begin this tale where it should be started. The beginning is always a good place to start.
Okay, cliched way to end a prologue. It was probably a bad way to end it.

Overall-
This was interesting. I enjoyed how you started out with Shakespeare. It was a little slow, yes, but your topic makes up for it.
Congrats

This was very interesting, angels are really in for me right now. So it’s nice to read an angel’s tale for once instead of the repetitious vampire tale. The beginning is solid and attention grabbing. You have excellent vocabulary skills and a knack for writing. You only had a few errors, most of which I’m sure you caught by now. I was a bit confused on the Jehovah part, but I’m sure you’re going to elaborate on that once you get deeper into the story. Good job, and keep writing.

Wheadee