The Warrior Within

Veiyloxx was born in a small village with maybe a thousand people in the middle of a great forest. These people were called forest people because they were the only ones who could navigate the forest without getting lost. There were other forest people in different villages across the great forest but he was born in the largest one.
The Trees soared well over three hundred feet and they made their homes, houses, buildings and other sorts on the ground. Even though the forest was large and dense there was enough room for them to build. The Canapés covered the top of the great forest, but sun light still came through to the villages. Just couldn’t see down through the top.
He was born to a couple who had been trying for years to have a child but for some reason couldn’t. Finally after trying for so long they had conceived and so Veiyloxx was born. People on Other Earth didn’t keep track of time a matter of fact there wasn’t such a thing as time there, so that being said, no birthdays, and no holidays, no anything of that sort.
Everyone in the village learned basic training and fighting techniques, up to a certain point in their lives, but Veiyloxx loved it. He taught himself how to handle weapons he even made his own. He particularly liked the Bo, a six foot long hard staff. Training was an every day event for Veiyloxx, to make himself better.
When he was born, there was another baby born on the same day. Her name was Valeigha (Vuh-lay-uh). From the time they could walk and talk, they were inseperateable. They grew up together, and did everything. She was just as adventuress as he was, at young ages they both showed very strong and willed minds.
One day they sat under a tree that they had named The Great Tree of the Forest. This tree was bigger than the other trees and taller too, it carried lots of life and never did it lose one of its leaves. While sitting under the Great Tree, Veiyloxx took his hand and gently took hers in his hand. He turned his head and they smiled at each other.
“Valeigha, there’s something I want to tell you.” He said, stuttering.
“Oh? And what’s that?” she asked even though she probably knew what it was he was going to say.
“I love you.” He said looking down.
“Oh Veiyloxx your to much.” She said smiling trying not to laugh
Valeigha was the most beautiful gal in the village or to him at least, not only did she have a greatest personality, she had the hair, eyes, nose, face, body, everything. On top of that she wasn’t even stuck up unlike a lot of the girls he knew, she didn’t consider herself so pretty even though he had told her so many times before that she was.
“What’s so funny about that, I’m being serious you know.”
“ I know you are, but I knew you loved me a long time ago, why do you think I’ve stayed by your side all this time. It’s because I love you too.” She smiled at him
“Then why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“Why does the girl always have to say it first? Why can’t the boy say it?” she asked
“Because that’s just how it’s suppose to be.”
“Well this time is different because you have told me first.”
“Well I think we should go back and you tell me first.”
“That’s not going to happen; even if we could I wouldn’t let it.”
“Oh well…
“Look, there was a reason why I told you that I love you Valeigha.” As his happiness turned to a grin. He looked down as if to be worried about something.
“What’s Wrong.” She asked confusingly.
“I had a dream last night while sleeping. We were here holding hands just like this and all of a sudden you pointed out that you saw dark smoke coming from home. So we get up and run back but when we got there the whole village was on fire and just about everyone was dead.”
It started to drizzle with light rain.
“It was raining like it is now…” Then he got scared and with a bad feeling he tells Valeigha.
“Get up lets go I got a bad feeling about this.”
“But Veiy, it was just a dream it could be real could it?” she asked getting scared herself.
“Your right but I don’t want to take any chances let’s just head back ok.” She agreed and so they walked back.
While on the way he finished what he’s dream was about and they started talking about what they were going to do later and how they would lead their lives with one another. They talked about children and other things too. It started to rain a bit harder and the winds picked up, so naturally they started to run with hands together.
Then they stopped dead in their tracks. The frightening moment had come, the terrified dream was happening. The smoke and screams had just started to happen. Veiyloxx looked at Valeigha grasping her hands.
“Go back to the tree and wait for me there ok!”
“ but Veiy…” he cut her off before she could finish.”
“Look you’re not coming with me, I’m not going to risk you coming with me after I just told you I love you ok just go back to the tree I’ll be fine I promise!” he let go of her hand and she turned away, she started to cry and ran towards the tree.
Veiyloxx took in a deep breath and let out a loud war cry and ran toward the village. He took out his bo grasping it in his right hand holding it to the side where half the bo was to his back and the other to his side. A small group of men in black robes from head to toe ran at him with swords. This is where all his training would pay off.
He leaped several feet into the air spinning his bo around striking the first man in the head breaking part of the bo. The man fell to the ground, his body was lifeless. Veiyloxx tripped the second man and stabbing the man into the chest with the broken end of his bo. Picking up the sword he tossed it at the third man which had truck his chest too.
He picked up the sword from the third mans chest and the one he had in his lifeless body. At this point most of all the villagers were dead. Rage filled His mind as he walked down the center of the village. Four men on what we would call horses stood several hundred yards away. There they stood looking at one another. Veiyloxx started to move ever so slowly towards them. The first horse man galloped he’s way to him. When opportunity struck he took a running start jumped onto a rather large log to jump off impaling the man in the chest with one of the swords.
The second horse man charged towards Veiy with a pike, a long pole with a sharp end to it usually with some sort of metal. When the chance to strike came he rolled out of the way and sliced the leg of the horse off causing the horse and the man to fall to the ground. The man is crushed beneath the horse.
The third horse man follows after and yet again Veiyloxx took his sword in hand and carefully aimed at the horse mans chest and threw it directly at him causing him to fall off. The horse galloped to Veiy when he grabbed the saddles strings jumping onto the horse. He grabbed up the pike from the second man which had been sticking out of the ground and turned to the last horse man.
They looked at each other for a minute before charging at one another. Veiyloxx hadn’t ever ridden a horse before but he knew how to use one. He threw the pike at the horse man but had missed at this points he didn’t know what to do. He looked around on the saddles to find a sword tucked in a pocket of the saddle. He Grabbed it fast and swung as hard and swift as he could, releasing a loud cry. The sword cut through the man sword and through to his neck decapitating his head off.
He jumped off the horse and ran to his parents, his mother was dead but his father was dying.
“ Son get out of here take Valeigha with you protect what is your and your duties, you’re a man now. More will be back so get out of here fast before they get here. GO! Time is of essence. Goodbye my son you will do great things.” As he took his last breath.
Veiyloxx wanted to bury them but he hadn’t the time to do it. His father was right more would be back. He gave out one last loud yell of hatred stood up whipped the tears away and turned to the horse.
A voice came to his head.
“The girl, she needs your help Veiyloxx. GO NOW SHE NEEDS YOU!” the voice said and without question he jumped on the horse.
He rode hard and fast to get there as quick as he could. His mind was racing, how could one of those men have gotten by? He thought to himself. Maybe one saw her run off and snuck by me after he saw what I did to the other men.
The opening was coming up he could see another horse man grabbing at Valeigha. He galloped towards him with fierce anger and rage.
“Get away from her!” he said
“VEIY! HELP!” she screamed
He leaped off the horse and tackled the man to the ground beating his face into the wet mud. His fists were covered in blood; he stood over the man’s lifeless body. With all the rain his hair feel a little past his eyes. He turned to look at Valeigha.
“Their dead, everyone is dead, just me and you now.” He said with a sorrow voice
She started to weep and cry, throwing herself onto Veiyloxx as he caught her in his arms. They stood for a while just holding each other in their arms.
“ARGH…” veiyloxx said falling to his knees.
An arrow had just struck him in the back. Several hundred feet away stood yet another horseman who was the one that shot the arrow. This arrow was no ordinary arrow, it was a shadow arrow. First it paralyzes so you can’t move or speak. Excruciating pain flowed through his body as he turned around.
“Impossible!” The horseman shouted drawing another arrow.
Veiyloxx got back to his feet and sprinted towards him with great speed and force. Another arrow hits his shoulder throwing him of his feet. Attempting to get back on his feet the Horseman draws another arrow on to his bow releasing it. This arrow flies right in to his chest and stops before hitting the heart.
Falling to his back he faintly saw the horseman approach. Screams came from Valeigha who was holding Veiyloxx in her arms as he seemed to be dying.
Veiyloxx laid there helplessly as the horseman knocker Valeigha out picked her up and rode off with her to let Veiyloxx die.

woah woah woah!!!!!! PLEASE tell me there is a second part!!!! chapter coming SOOOON GGAHHH i'm dying here!!!!

but no seriously that was incredible!!!

i have no complaint except that you tend to use 'he's' for 'his'

oh my goodness i'm freaking out right now WHAT HAPPENES NEXT!?!?!?

Hey there, Firefly here for a review!

Before I begin, I must be honest with you. You more or less won't like what I'm about to tell you, but I advise you to take everything I say with a grain of salt. I mean no offense, but I feel that I would be doing you an injustice if I just clapped my hands and shouted, "Bravo!"

So, without further ado, here goes my heartfelt review:

The first thing that really stuck out at me while reading this was the very beginning. The opening paragraph of any novel should immediately captivate your reader, drawing them in and immersing them in the world you've created. This is done by more showing than telling. Now I hate to say this, I really do, but I was neither drawn in to your story nor was I tempted to immerse myself in your world. Things were too blunt, the delivery too matter-of-fact for my taste, almost as if I were reading a Wikipedia entry!

Now, since the first thing you did was introduce your main character (from hereon out abbreviated as MC), it stands to reason that you should stick with him - who he is, his immediate surroundings, etc. Because you are writing in the present, your character must live in the present - any critical past events that may have contributed to his development can be explored much further on in the story in the form of either a flashback or a conversation.

Veiyloxx was born in a small village with maybe a thousand people (This isn't necessary, as you mention right before that the village is small) in the middle of a great forest. These people were called forest people because they were the only ones who could navigate the forest without getting lost. (You don't need to explain Veiyloxx's people just yet; right now, it's all about your MC) There were other forest people in different villages across the great forest but he was born in the largest one. (This makes little sense, as you claim that the MC is from a small village; two contrasting ideas lead to confusion, and a confused reader is more likely to turn away than read on. Also, the delivery of such information was too blunt. I, as a reader, have no idea what your world looks like other than it's a small village in some kind of forest. The best way to show the reader your world is to do so through your character's eyes - what they see, feel, think, etc.)

This first paragraph can be used to describe, in as little detail as possible (you don't want to blind your reader by showing them to much!), your MC. Show the reader what he's doing instead of just telling them - remember: TELLING is for autobiographies and documentaries, but SHOWING is for storytelling and fiction. However, this rule can be bent when the situation allows for a little telling. For example, instead of just stating that he's from a village of forest people, you can offer the reader a glance at who Veiyloxx is and tell them where he comes from, like so:

Perched comfortably on the thick branch of a towering oak tree, back resting against the rough trunk, Veiyloxx stretched out his booted feet and gave a contented sigh. Born to an elderly couple from a small village nestled deep within the safety of the forest that surrounded him, the young lad knew no other way of life - nor did he care to. With trees that towered well over three-hundred feet bordering their lands and a canopy that hid the village from any prying eyes in the sky, the forest people had everything they needed at their disposal.

Flicking thick strands of brown hair off his face with a twitch of his head, Veiyloxx lifted his arms high above him in a quick stretch before shoving himself to his feet. The sound of distant laughter caught his ear and he turned around with a smirk, crossing his arms before his chest as he pressed a broad shoulder against the tree trunk. Just beyond the rise of a small hill, near the banks of a quiet river, Veiyloxx could make out the grassy roofs of his village. There weren't many buildings, as his people were few in numbers, but the peaceful community always managed to fare fine. Tiny specs darted back and forth through a clearing in the center of the village; the only signs of life in the quiet forest.

In these first two paragraphs, the reader is given a mental image of Veiyloxx - his physical features, personality traits, etc. - but they are also told a little bit about where he is from. So telling is OK, but only in moderation. The majority of a story must be like a painting - it shows the audience a landscape through the artist's (or, in your story's case, the MC's) eyes.

Also, try to keep in mind that long paragraphs more often than not lose your reader, as the words begin to jumble up and the reader can easily lose their place in the story. A good solution to this is to space your paragraphs apart; this offers not only a break for the eyes but also shows the reader when a new idea emerges.

Overall, I love the idea you have here! A captured beauty, a world destroyed, a hero who has lost everything, even potentially his life, fighting to save those he cares for. The only thing that bugs me is the lack of depth to it all - you're telling more than showing. More detail and less "infodumping" would help greatly in clearing that up!

Now, as this review is growing increasingly longer, I think it's time to bring it to a close. I wish I were able to cover the whole chapter, but that would quickly turn into me rewriting your story for you, and would thus cease to be helpful.

I hope none of what I've said offended you, as this was not my intention, and I also pray that it was somewhat useful. But, as I mentioned in the beginning, take everything with a grain of salt - writing is all about your perspective. How you describe something differs from how I would describe it (I tend to use a great amount of detail, if you haven't noticed yet XD), but the important thing to remember is how your readers will perceive the story. After all, you write for them.

I'll be looking out for more of your work. Until then!
~Firefly

Hi, Zane! I'm reviewing for you today... LOL! This is an A.W.E.S.O.M.E. story, no wonder why you are so obsessed with it.You should be proud of yourself with this story... it is entertaining, you are a great writer (I love your descriptions in every single sentence)... this is the type of book I can keep reading a hole entire day. Only three words... Keep.Writing.It.
~Sol Valeria

There were other forest people in different villages across the great forest but he was born in the largest one.

There is supposed to be a comma: There were other forest people in different villages across the great forest, but he was born in the largest one.

Finally after trying for so long they had conceived and so Veiyloxx was born.

Finally after trying for so long, they had conceived and so Veiyloxx was born.

People on Other Earth didn’t keep track of time a matter of fact there wasn’t such a thing as time there, so that being said, no birthdays, and no holidays, no anything of that sort.

Hmm... interesting!

When he was born, there was another baby born on the same day. Her name was Valeigha (Vuh-lay-uh).

I've never met somebody as good as you choosing names.

“Valeigha, there’s something I want to tell you.” He said, stuttering.

“Valeigha, there’s something I want to tell you,” He said, stuttering. (There is supposed to be a comma instead of a period, because it's a dialog and there should be a comma if you say "he said, she said, he screamed, she screamed..." next to it.)

“Oh? And what’s that?” she asked even though she probably knew what it was he was going to say.

LOL

“I love you.” He said looking down.

Well, here the comma and dialog thing again.

“What’s so funny about that, I’m being serious you know.”

Look, O___o this point is well written because there is not a "he said, she said, he screamed, she screamed..." after. I said that just in case I didn't express myself right.

“Why does the girl always have to say it first? Why can’t the boy say it?” she asked

Hahahaha! I really like this girl's personality.

“Well this time is different because you have told me first.”
“Well I think we should go back and you tell me first.”

Hahahahahaha... funny! Í am really enjoying myself here.

“What’s Wrong.” She asked confusingly.

There should be a "?" instead of a period, right?

“Go back to the tree and wait for me there ok!”

“Go back to the tree and wait for me there, okay?!”

He looked around on the saddles to find a sword tucked in a pocket of the saddle. He Grabbed it fast and swung as hard and swift as he could, releasing a loud cry. The sword cut through the man sword and through to his neck decapitating his head off.

o_____O

His father was right more would be back.

His father was right, more would be back.(The comma in this sentence is really important.)

This story rocks!

Hi there. Before I start, I highly recommend that next time, you should split this up into paragraphs so it'll be easier for people to read.

Veiyloxx was born in a small village with maybe a thousand people in the middle of a great forest. These people were called forest people because they were the only ones who could navigate the forest without getting lost. There were other forest people in different villages across the great forest but he was born in the largest one.

No! Just no! Do not start the story off by giving me a little tourist guide of this place as it isn't an interesting way to start a story. I'm already bored of this piece because you didn't start off by actually taking some time to develop a mood or idea. You just simply info-dumped us some vague info of this village.

The Trees soared well over three hundred feet and they made their homes, houses, buildings and other sorts on the ground. Even though the forest was large and dense there was enough room for them to build.

Trees soared? You're saying they're flying? Might want to find a better word here.

Everyone in the village learned basic training and fighting techniques, up to a certain point in their lives, but Veiyloxx loved it. He taught himself how to handle weapons he even made his own. He particularly liked the Bo, a six foot long hard staff. Training was an every day event for Veiyloxx, to make himself better.
When he was born, there was another baby born on the same day. Her name was Valeigha (Vuh-lay-uh). From the time they could walk and talk, they were inseperateable. They grew up together, and did everything. She was just as adventuress as he was, at young ages they both showed very strong and willed minds.
One day they sat under a tree that they had named The Great Tree of the Forest. This tree was bigger than the other trees and taller too, it carried lots of life and never did it lose one of its leaves. While sitting under the Great Tree, Veiyloxx took his hand and gently took hers in his hand. He turned his head and they smiled at each other.

Again, you are just dumping information onto the reader.

“Valeigha, there’s something I want to tell you.” He said, stuttering.

You used the word "stuttering", which I tend to associate with someone that's confident and showy. However, you haven't really established Valeigha as being that. What followed before this was bland information about trees, the town, and it's culture. Why not show Valeigha actually using those weapons in friendly combat? It will make this piece more engaging to read.

Valeigha was the most beautiful gal in the village or to him at least, not only did she have a greatest personality, she had the hair, eyes, nose, face, body, everything. On top of that she wasn’t even stuck up unlike a lot of the girls he knew, she didn’t consider herself so pretty even though he had told her so many times before that she was.

Beautiful in what way? Why not actually describe this girl and her actions?

“ I know you are, but I knew you loved me a long time ago, why do you think I’ve stayed by your side all this time. It’s because I love you too.” She smiled at him

This is awkward. You show someone that you like someone by being by their side all the time? Seems like a stalker.

A small group of men in black robes from head to toe ran at him with swords. This is where all his training would pay off.

This is way too sudden. There's like no build up to this conflict.

Overall impressions:

When I got to the battle scene, I pretty much stopped there, out of frustration and disinterest. There's like no logical flow to the sentences there, it all seemed mashed together. And since you chose not to use paragraphs, that only made things worse. But that should be the least of your worries.

You seemed to have fallen into the fantasy trap hole of "telling", not "showing". When I was reading this, some bits read like a bland history book. There was very little for me as the reader to picture what's going on. Consider checking this article out on "show vs tell" :

topic41426.html

It'll teach you how to make your writing more interesting to read.

When I got to the middle portions of the piece, I was wondering to myself "Is this even fantasy?" You have a pointless romance scene happening there, and it did nothing to characterize your characters in anyway. I mean, why are they in love? Who are these people? What do they do? Everything there seemed fluff.

At least when the black robed men came on, it started returning back into the realms of fantasy, but because of how careless your writing there was, I quickly lost interest and gave up.

So overall, please read that article that I've linked to you as well as revising this and at least make the piece clearer and easier to read.

Andy.

Hey Veiy, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Veiyloxx was born in a small village with maybe a thousand people in the middle of a great forest.

Oh, gosh, gripping opening.

Her name was Valeigha (Vuh-lay-uh).

Ouch. No pronunciation guide in prose, bitte schon. Totally doesn't work.

just as adventuress as he was,

adventurous.

“Oh Veiyloxx your to much.” She said smiling trying not to laugh

you're, and full stop at the end.

“What’s Wrong.” She asked confusingly.

confusingly? Confusedly? Confused about dialogue punctuation? Here!

While on the way he finished what he’s dream was about

He's? Uh... his?

He leaped several feet into the air spinning his bo around

Oh yeah, 'cause jumping several feet in the air is normal.

He picked up the sword from the third mans chest

man's.

The man is crushed beneath the horse.

Wooow, tense change!

“Their dead, everyone is dead, just me and you now.” He said with a sorrow voice

They're dead. Sorrow voice? Whut?

Alright.

II. BEGINNINGS

You begin with telling us backstory then, with no distinction between the two launch into the story. This is not good for two reasons. One: it's an infodump right at the beginning and two: there's no hook. Which is important. I'm not so sharp on beginnings, but Rosey wrote a really brilliant article on them which will explain better than I can.

III. CHARACTER

Veiyloxx right now, is about as believable as a cardboard cut-out. He's in love with a girl because she's got "a great personality" and everything else. He can fight like every boy on the face of the earth wishes he could. His village just got killed, his girl got taken. Have you checked him for Mary Sueitis? Because right now, I can't believe your character, nor can I relate to him. And he's what's driving the story, so it's important that you can make even a seventeen year old female pacifist who's lived a very sheltered life relate to your dude who seems so kick-butt and can jump several feet in the air.

IV. OVERALL

It's alright, but it could use some work.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x