In The Shadows

You did a nice job kicking off with a mystery. You led in and out of the story with suspense--starting with dialogue was a great beginning. It seems to me, though, that your story is sort of choppy. It doesn't flow so smoothly.

Vencera's friends motioned for her to go towards them. Her friends consisted of Elliott, Macey, and Patch. Eliott was the sweetheart of the group, until you got him mad. Even then though, he wasn't very intimidating. Macey was nice, but knew how to be a bitch when needed. Macey knew how to stick up for herself and did a very good job of it. Her and Elliott She listened to him and went straight to her car and drove home. Now she knew it was all real. She knew she wasn't going insane. When Vencera got home though, her heart dropped. Her dad was home. He had been gone for three months, which she enjoyed. She didn't like being treated like garbage when he was around. Either way she got out of the car and went inside.

This paragraph especially bothered me. You kind of throw all her friends at the reader at once. It'd be better to introduce them using dialgoue and interactions. For example, instead of saying Macey and Elliot are a couple, have them engaging in some action that shows they are a couple. Also, in your second-to-last sentence you slipped into present tense.

This made Vencera smile a little as she ran over to them. When she got there though, she was side tracked. She saw him, but she seemed to be the only one to acknowledge his presence. Even in the daytime, she couldn't see his face. Her heart was racing and she felt faint. She quickly turned to Patch. Him being his normal self could tell something was wrong when no one else could. It was one of his many talents.

In this paragraph I'm guessing you're referring to whoever is haunting her, but it wasn't immediately clear to me. I was a little confused as to who "he" was. It might also help to add a little more detail about where she saw "him". Was he standing by her car? Across the road?

“Vencera, I have know clue how you recognise that being, but i know he is extremely dangerous. He was sent out on a mission he sure as hell plans on finishing. His name is Shadow, do not under estimate him. You have the right to be scared of him. Oh, also... find a way to get out of town! Now.”

Is there any way you can draw this out into a greater conversation? It would build suspense and it would also add character to both Vencera and Patch.

She listened to him and went straight to her car and drove home. Now she knew it was all real. She knew she wasn't going insane. When Vencera got home though, her heart dropped. Her dad was home. He had been gone for three months, which she enjoyed. She didn't like being treated like garbage when he was around. Either way she got out of the car and went inside.

She didn't care what her father really said, she just went up to her room and started packing some of her bags. She also pocketed ten grand, which she earned. After that, and hearing enough from her dad, she walked out of her house and got into her car. At a stop light she noticed a piece of paper by her feet. She picked it up and read it quickly.

It seems that Vencera has a problem with her father. Again, to add to her character, give a little backstory and write some more on her relationship with her father. A little dialogue wouldn't go amiss here, either. Clearly they had an exchange, but you didn't write it out. Readers want to hear those exchanges. That's what makes characters interesting. Also, the ten grand she earned? How did she get that? These details are important to make up your character.

“Don't listen too Patch, I'll still know where you are. I won't hurt you!”

"Too" should be "to".

My overall suggestions would be to develop your characters a little more--they seem kind of flat--and also work on your setting and description. Also, watch your tense, you slipped into the present a few times. This needs some work, but don't get discouraged--keep writing, your plot is excellent. You've got a great idea going.

Enigma hit the main points.

It seems like you may have an interesting mystery here, but the storytelling needs to improve. Don't describe all her friends in one paragraph. Show their personalities through the dialogue. I think you're doing to much telling and not enough showing. Also, your story seems too rushed. You have very interesting things going on, but the reader doesn't have time to take it all in. If you improve on pace, include more dialogue, and lean towards showing instead of telling, you'll improve this piece greatly.

Hey! SporkPunk here for a review.

So, the other two reviewers before me hit the main points, so I'll make this review fairly short.

You have a good concept. Do it justice! Don't rush your plot events, and don't throw a bunch of characters at the reader at once. That's not good, and takes away from your idea.

Overall, your grammar is decent and the idea is pretty original. Just revise your piece, and it has the potential to be absolutely brilliant!

Keep Writing!

~SporkPunk