Picture Perfect: Chapter Three

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Sometimes Joslyn hated being Scarlett’s chauffer, but when it was to go to Thayer McMains house, she didn’t mind. Joslyn had had a crush on Thayer since the tenth grade, ever since she broke up with Tommy Larson, all-American boy football player. Thayer was a musician, with a habit of drilling holes in his guitar picks and stringing them through chains. He wore the chains around his neck, pressing the pick against his collarbone every so often. With his medium-length unruly dark hair a blue eyes, he looks like the lead singer of the All-American-Rejects, except less serious. He had a perpetual smile playing across his pale lips all the time. Thayer played the guitar, the drums, the piano, and sang well. He was a rock star in Joss’ and Scarlett’s eyes but always insisted it was just for fun. The way he played, they knew it wasn’t.

Thayer’s parents had kicked him out of the house at the young age of sixteen. Now he was nineteen, ate pizza for breakfast, waffles for dinner, and played his instruments constantly. They’d kicked him out because unlike his brothers, Abner and Russet, he didn’t care about schooling, money, or power, all of which Abner and Russet McMains had. Mr. and Mrs. McMains insisted Thayer go to college at Yale or Harvard like his brothers or else he was out of the house. Thayer, who was his own person, declined. Thayer did online classes, worked at gigs and mowed lawns, and, Joss and Scarlett could only guess; was happy. He lived in a small apartment, much less luxurious than Gianni’s, but it was nice. Scarlett kept slapping Joss’ shoulder, giggling and carrying on. Scarlett knew about Joslyn’s crush, and often hinted about it to Thayer, who was unaware. As they pulled up to the apartment, Joslyn rushed out faster than Scarlett had at Gianni’s place. She ran to his door and pounded on it, until he answered, looking dazed. He brightened when he saw them, his face seeming to shine.

“Guys!” He exclaimed, welcoming them into his home. They walked inside, finding it more cluttered than usual. The only furniture he had in his living room was two couches and a table, and today it was pushed against the wall. In the middle of the living room was his drum set with a several glittering necklaces dangling off of the cymbals, their chains shiny and dull, silver and bronze. He had about ten bandanas piled up on the drums in the middle, a mish mash of bright colors. A cluster of Monster Energy drinks and Red Bull cans were stacked on the table, along with a box of pizza and a two liter of Coca Cola. A Junior Mints box was half full, spilling out onto the stained wood. Several Moon Pies and wrappers were next to the box, not to mention a packet of Fruit Stripe gum. On the couches were a random assortment of things; a yo-yo, DVDS like Rush Hour (1, 2, 3) and Scary Movie (1, 2, 3, ), four cans of Sprite, a packet of Sparklers, a pair of scuffed blue Converse low-tops, six packets of gum, and a pile of CDs. His kitchen was relatively clean, but instead of food, there were instruments; bongos, a microphone, a banjo, a flute, a clarinet, a violin. Against one wall was his desk with a laptop, a stack of papers, and miscellaneous things such as a box of paperclips, three picks his guitar, a pair of drumsticks. Thayer’s black hair was uncombed, his shirt rumpled, and his jeans clinging to his thin hips. Despite his carefree lifestyle, he was surprisingly slim. His diet consisted of pizza, toaster waffles, candy, and soda. Scarlett said he ate worse than her, and that was saying something. “What brings you here?” He asked, biting into a Twizzler, which he had mysteriously pulled out of his jeans’ pockets.

A pang of guilt rippled through Joss. She hadn’t visited Thayer in weeks. She’d been busy with school, swimming, cheer, and photography. Joslyn shrugged and so did Thayer, who shoved the contents of his couch onto the floor. Judging by the pile of things it had landed on, it wasn’t the first time. Joss held back a laugh. Scarlett wiggled her eyebrows. Thayer jumped onto the couch, resting his feet on the coffee table. He shot them his best smile. “What do you need?” He inquired, gazing at them. Scarlett smirked, her lips pouted as if they held a secret. Thayer leaned against the wall as if he was dizzy and exclaimed dramatically, “Oh what have I gotten myself into this time?” Scarlett wore that same expression as she spoke, causing Thayer to look pale.

“You and Jossy are going on a ‘date’ tonight with Gianni and me,” explained Scarlett, tilting her head to the side resulting in an avalanche of hair falling across her right shoulder. Thayer’s dark eyebrows rose slightly, as if he was surprised. He gave Joslyn an onceover not-so subtly and shrugged. Joss’ heart skipped a beat. He looked so laid-back and calm at this news, she thought, butterflies soaring in her stomach. Thayer beamed at them both and another skipped beat of Joslyn’s heart ensued. His mussed hair stuck up like a mad-scientist’s and he effortlessly made Joslyn smile as he ran his hair through it; which was a habit of his. “We’ll need to get you some clothes, because we’re probably going somewhere nice,” Scarlett told him matter-of-factly. He sighed and stood up, stretching his arms. His grey Harvard hoody rode up, exposing the wife beater tank he had underneath it. He saw the two girls staring at the crimson outlined letters that spelled out the name of the school that Abner had gone to. “Gift from Abner, huh?” Scarlett asked with a snort, eyeing the print closely. As the words left her lips, a rush of red crept up on her cheeks. Abner had liked Scarlett for a long time and Scarlett had seemed as if she didn’t feel the same. They learned this wasn’t true after Thayer and Joss had caught the pair at the movie theater one day after Scarlett had declined their offer to go to the movie. As quickly as it had come, the color faded, going back to its normal ivory color. She pushed a long lock of blond behind her ear, and forced a smile.

“Yeah,” Thayer answered, looking as if though nothing had occurred. He pulled the hoody off sheepishly, tossing it into a chaotic pile that was compiled of more hoodies, sneakers, and jeans. He rooted around in a box that was stuck under the couch, finally holding up a pair of shabby socks. They were dark blue, ankle-showing, and had a hole in the toe. He slid them on, and after they were securely in place, his Converse came on. He pushed his hair back with his hand and looked up again. “He’s such a jerk,” Thayer added with a choked laugh, then said, “Russet had the niceness to purchase a Yale hoody for me. My dad got me a ticket to the OBX. He said, with a lot of muffled laughter, that I was ‘working myself too hard’.” Thayer shook his head and Joss and Scarlett giggled. Thayer was known for throwing in an occasional acronym. OBX meant the outer banks, where Thayer’s dad had a beach house. Thayer yawned and asked, “When do we leave?” Scarlett exchanged a look with Joss, who shrugged.

“Now, I suppose,” Joss replied, her eyes scanning Thayer’s, looking for any sign of sadness. She found none, which meant she was either terrible at it or that he hid it well. Thayer smiled, although his eyes didn’t crinkle like they had when they’d arrived. Joss stared at him, willing him to give her his signature beam. He didn’t and her heart plummeted. “We can go now,” she added, keeping her eyes on Thayer, who was looking at the white heels of his Converse. He strode across the room and clicked open the door. Joslyn sighed. They were going, she was a fool, and Thayer didn't like her. Typical.
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Hello there :)
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Sometimes Joslyn hated being Scarlett’s chauffer, but when it was to go to Thayer McMains house, she didn’t mind. I think you left something out in that part, try revising it.


Thayer was a musician#FF0000 ">. He had a habit of drilling holes in his guitar picks and stringing them through chains.


With his medium-length unruly dark hair a#FF0000 ">nd blue eyes,


“Yeah,” Thayer answered, looking as if though nothing had occurred. He pulled the hoody off sheepishly, tossing it into a chaotic pile that was compiled of more hoodies, sneakers, and jeans. He rooted around in a box that was stuck under the couch, finally holding up a pair of shabby socks. They were dark blue, ankle-showing, and had a hole in the toe. He slid them on, and after they were securely in place, his Converse came on. He pushed his hair back with his hand and looked up again. “He’s such a jerk,” Thayer added with a choked laugh, then said, “Russet had the niceness to purchase a Yale hoody for me. My dad got me a ticket to the OBX. He said, with a lot of muffled laughter, that I was ‘working myself too hard’.” Thayer shook his head and Joss and Scarlett giggled. Thayer was known for throwing in an occasional acronym. OBX meant the outer banks, where Thayer’s dad had a beach house. Thayer yawned and asked, “When do we leave?” Scarlett exchanged a look with Joss, who shrugged. There is just too much in this paragraph, try to decompress it a bit, this one and the others.


I think that you have to really work on your storytelling skills. I read this and at times you did not really connect with the reader. Along with a little trouble with your grammar and spelling. But with more practice, this will all get better.
There were some parts like where you described Thayer's special features, where your potential as a writer was displayed.

Keep writing
Oh, you should totally continue this story :)

Ziggie
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Hey there! Sporks here for a review :)

Green is word choice change, red is grammar, blue is my commentary.

Sometimes Joslyn hated being Scarlett’s chauffe#FF0000 ">ur, but when it was to go to Thayer McMain#FF0000 ">'s house, she didn’t mind. Joslyn had had a crush on Thayer since the tenth grade, ever since she broke up with Tommy Larson, all-American boy football player. Thayer was a musician, #FF0000 ">who had a habit of drilling holes in his guitar picks and stringing them through chains. He wore the chains around his neck, pressing the pick against his collarbone every so often. With his medium-length unruly dark hair a blue eyes, he look#FF0000 ">ed like the lead singer of the All-American-Rejects, except less serious. I don't really like this description, because some people might not know what Tyson Ritter looks like. He had a perpetual smile playing across his pale lips all the time. Thayer played the guitar, the drums, the piano, and sang well. He was a rock star in Joss’#FF0000 ">s and Scarlett’s eyes but always insisted it was just for fun. The way he played, they knew it wasn’t.

Thayer’s parents had kicked him out of the house at the young age of sixteen. Now he was nineteen, ate pizza for breakfast, waffles for dinner, and played his instruments constantly. They’d kicked him out because#FF0000 ">, unlike his brothers, Abner and Russet, he didn’t care about schooling, money, or power, all of which Abner and Russet McMains had. Personally, I think this would sound better in two sentences. Mr. and Mrs. McMains insisted Thayer go to college at Yale or Harvard like his brothers or else he was out of the house. Thayer, who was his own person, declined. Thayer did online classes, worked at gigs and mowed lawns, and, Joss and Scarlett could only guess; was happy. He lived in a small apartment, much less luxurious than Gianni’s, but it was nice. Scarlett kept slapping Joss’#FF0000 ">s shoulder, giggling and carrying on. Scarlett knew about Joslyn’s crush, and often hinted about it to Thayer, who was unaware. As they pulled up to the apartment, Joslyn rushed out faster than Scarlett had at Gianni’s place. She ran to his door and pounded on it, until he answered, looking dazed. He brightened when he saw them, his face seeming to shine.

“Guys!” He exclaimed, welcoming them into his home. They walked inside, finding it more cluttered than usual. The only furniture he had in his living room w#FF0000 ">ere two couches and a table, and today it was pushed against the wall. In the middle of the living room was his drum set with (I deleted the unnecessary "a") several glittering necklaces dangling off of the cymbals, their chains shiny and dull, silver and bronze. He had about ten bandan#FF0000 ">nas piled up on the drums in the middle, a mish#FF0000 ">-mash of bright colors. A cluster of Monster Energy drinks and Red Bull cans were stacked on the table, along with a box of pizza and a two liter of Coca Cola. A Junior Mints box was half full, spilling out onto the stained wood. Several Moon Pies and wrappers were next to the box, not to mention a packet of Fruit Stripe gum. On the couches were a random assortment of things; a yo-yo, DVDS like Rush Hour (1, 2, 3) and Scary Movie (1, 2, 3, ), To me, this would be better phrased as "the Rush Hour trilogy" or something. The (1, 2, 3) thing is kind of annoying. Sorry. xD four cans of Sprite, a packet of Sparklers, a pair of scuffed blue Converse low-tops, six packets of gum, and a pile of CDs. Unless there's a purpose, this much description is unnecessary. His kitchen was relatively clean, but instead of food, there were instruments; bongos, a microphone, a banjo, a flute, a clarinet, #FF0000 ">and a violin. Against one wall was his desk with a laptop, a stack of papers, and miscellaneous things such as a box of paperclips, three picks #FF0000 ">for his guitar, #FF0000 ">and a pair of drumsticks. Thayer’s black hair was uncombed, his shirt rumpled, and his jeans clinging to his thin hips. Despite his carefree lifestyle, he was surprisingly slim. His diet consisted of pizza, toaster waffles, candy, and soda. Scarlett said he ate worse than her, and that was saying something. “What brings you here?” He asked, biting into a Twizzler, which he had mysteriously pulled out of his jeans’ pockets. The dialogue at the end would be better as it's own paragraph.

A pang of guilt rippled through Joss. She hadn’t visited Thayer in weeks. She’d been busy with school, swimming, cheer, and photography. Joslyn shrugged and so did Thayer, who shoved the contents of his couch onto the floor. Judging by the pile of things it had landed on, it wasn’t the first time. Joss held back a laugh. Scarlett wiggled her eyebrows. Thayer jumped onto the couch, resting his feet on the coffee table. He shot them his best smile. “What do you need?” He inquired, gazing at them. Scarlett smirked, her lips pouted as if they held a secret. Thayer leaned against the wall as if he was dizzy and exclaimed dramatically, “Oh what have I gotten myself into this time?” Scarlett wore that same expression as she spoke, causing Thayer to look pale.

“You and Jossy are going on a ‘date’ tonight with Gianni and me,” explained Scarlett, tilting her head to the side resulting in an avalanche of hair falling across her right shoulder. Thayer’s dark eyebrows rose slightly, as if he was surprised. He gave Joslyn an once#FF0000 ">-over not-so subtly and shrugged. Joss’#FF0000 ">s heart skipped a beat. He looked so laid-back and calm at this news, she thought, butterflies soaring in her stomach. Thayer beamed at them both and another skipped beat of Joslyn’s heart ensued. His mussed hair stuck up like a mad-scientist’s and he effortlessly made Joslyn smile as he ran his hair through it#FF0000 ">, As my English teacher put it, semi-colons aren't colons with fancy hats. xD They join two separate clauses. which was a habit of his.
This paragraph is really, really dense. I separated it some, but it could be more so.
“We’ll need to get you some clothes, because we’re probably going somewhere nice,” Scarlett told him matter-of-factly. He sighed and stood up, stretching his arms. His grey Harvard hoody rode up, exposing the wife beater tank he had underneath it. He saw the two girls staring at the crimson outlined letters that spelled out the name of the school that Abner had gone to. “Gift from Abner, huh?” Scarlett asked with a snort, eyeing the print closely. As the words left her lips, a rush of red crept up on her cheeks. Abner had liked Scarlett for a long time and Scarlett had seemed as if she didn’t feel the same. They learned this wasn’t true after Thayer and Joss had caught the pair at the movie theater one day after Scarlett had declined their offer to go to the movie. As quickly as it had come, the color faded, going back to its normal ivory color. She pushed a long lock of blond behind her ear, and forced a smile.

“Yeah,” Thayer answered, looking as if though nothing had occurred. He pulled the hoody off sheepishly, tossing it into a chaotic pile that was compiled of more hoodies, sneakers, and jeans. He rooted around in a box that was stuck under the couch, finally holding up a pair of shabby socks. They were dark blue, ankle-showing, and had a hole in the toe. He slid them on, and after they were securely in place, his Converse came on. He pushed his hair back with his hand and looked up again. “He’s such a jerk,” Thayer added with a choked laugh, then said, “Russet had the niceness to purchase a Yale hoody for me. My dad got me a ticket to the OBX. He said, with a lot of muffled laughter, that I was ‘working myself too hard’.” Thayer shook his head and Joss and Scarlett giggled. Thayer was known for throwing in an occasional acronym. OBX meant the outer banks, where Thayer’s dad had a beach house. Thayer yawned and asked, “When do we leave?” Scarlett exchanged a look with Joss, who shrugged.

“Now, I suppose,” Joss replied, her eyes scanning Thayer’s, looking for any sign of sadness. She found none, which meant she was either terrible at it or that he hid it well. Thayer smiled, although his eyes didn’t crinkle like they had when they’d arrived. Joss stared at him, willing him to give her his signature beam. He didn’t and her heart plummeted. “We can go now,” she added, keeping her eyes on Thayer, who was looking at the white heels of his Converse. He strode across the room and clicked open the door. Joslyn sighed. They were going, she was a fool, and Thayer didn't like her. Typical.


I rather liked this. It was fairly original, even though I haven't read the other parts. My nitpicks are within the piece itself. So, I have to ask, Joslyn/Joss isn't her REAL chauffeur, right? I couldn't really tell. Maybe I'm slow. xD
Also, the enumeration of EVERYTHING in Thayer's living space. That got boring quickly, and in my first reading, I skimmed it. You don't need to do that. Leave a little to the imagination. :D

Keep writing!

~Sporky
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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