Friends, Lovers or Nothing EDITED VERSION

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"Elliot, Chay's here!" Keeva, Elliot's big sister shouted up the stairs. I smiled as my best friend came stumbling down the stairs, his shirt on backwards and his glasses lopsided. He tripped on the last step as Keeva went up into her room and we were on our own in the hallway.
"You have paint in your hair," he mentioned. I giggled and shook my head. I wouldn't meet his eyes.
"Are you OK?" he asked. I nodded, crossing my arms and looking around the hallway. There were loads of pictures of Elliot, Keeva and his parents. We ran up to Elliot's room and played on his PlayStation 3. I kicked ass, of course, but he was so much better than me. Elliot used his cheat codes and cut my player's head off.
"Oh, you git," I murmured. Elliot wrestled me onto my back and before I knew it, he was tickling me mercilessly. I laughed relentlessly, arching my back into his hands.
"You gonna say sorry?" Elliot whispered in my ear. I nodded, tears brimming in my eyes. He let go of my arms and I punched him in the stomach, knocking him to the floor. He hit his head on the floor, hard, and he groaned in pain.
"Ow," he muttered. I bit my lip and jumped down beside him. His eyes were closed and he was shaking.
"Elliot? I'm sorry!" I pleaded, crawling over him. He opened his eyes and sat up so quickly, our noses bumped together.
"Ow!" I exclaimed. Elliot laughed, but didn't move away. His glasses magnified his hazel eyes slightly, so they seemed bigger and more alert.
"Chay, that actually really hurt," he blurted out. I giggled and punched him in the shoulder, earning another tickle attack. I guess it was his way of getting back at me. By the time he was satisfied, I was crying.
"Ok, ok!" I whispered. Elliot smiled.
"So, wanna see something I did on my computer?" he asked. I nodded eagerly and he switched on his computer screen and went through his animated pictures. I'd seen most of them, and I genuinely thought that they were amazing. He clicked on one and it filled his computer screen.
"Holy crap!" I exclaimed. It was brilliantly coloured, blue, gold, red and purple and the words in green
ELLIOT + CHAY= BEST FRIENDS
"Oh my god,it's amazing!" I whispered, hugging him. His thin arms wrapped around my shoulders and he stroked my blond hair gently. (We do that a lot, we have ever since year three)
"I'm glad you like it," Elliot whispered back. He pulled away and lay down on his bed. I lead next to him, holding his hand. We just stared at each other, a silent conversation going on between us. I took off his glasses and put them on, and my vision went blurry. I grinned like an idiot and took them off, and before I gave them back to him, I took in his appearance without glasses. To be honest, I preferred him with glasses, as he looked... kinder. I gave them back to him and he played with my fringe for a while, twisting it around his fingers and plaiting it. I giggled at his attempt to make it look nice and ran my hands through his longish brown hair, that was smooth and straight. It fell in front of his glasses and brushed the bridge of his slim nose. Elliot's face was smooth and clear, pimple and freckle free, and pale, as if he didn't spend much time in the sun.
"You're cute with your glasses on," I said self consciously. Elliot laughed and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. Butterflies erupted in my stomach, making me feel light headed.
"You're cute with your hair down. Why do you have it up all the time?" he said back to me. He reached around and tugged my hair out of its ponytail, making it fall around my shoulders and down my back. Honestly, I preferred my hair down, but I could see what I was doing better when it was up.
"Chay, you look beautiful," Elliot announced, whispering it into my ear. I blushed and covered my face with my hair, but Elliot pushed it back.
"Why are you blushing?"
I shrugged, not meeting his eyes. My heart was thumping rapidly and Elliot must have noticed too, because he put his hand on my chest where my heart was. His touch sent trendils of electricity shoting along my body.
"Calm down," he said. I giggled and put my hand where his heart was. A steady beat.
THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP
I slipped my hand back into his and I cuddled up to him. He smelled of mint and vanilla, with a slight hint of lily.
"I love you Elliot," I whispered so quietly, I hardly heard it. I didn't think he heard it, which I would be glad of.
No such luck.
"I love you too, Chay," he whispered back, his breath on my ear. I twisted my face to see him and he was blushing like crazy. I smiled and kissed him swiftly on the lips. Elliot blushed even more deeply and kissed me back. It lasted longer than anticipated, but I was grateful for it. He opened and closed his mouth in sync to me and I pressed my self to his slender wiry body. I fit perfectly. Elliot's lips were soft and warm, when I expected them to be hard. Eventually, he pulled away for air. His eyes were clouded over and he was breathing deeply.
"You still have paint in your hair," he said. I burst out laughing. Then, I twisted my body so that my chin was resting on his shoulder and he could slip his arm around my waist. My eyelids felt heavy so I closed them. Elliot kissed my nose and turned the light off..........

Hello people. I know this isn't very good, I just want tips on how to make it better :) thanks
Last edited by ilovemyboys on Sun Aug 01, 2010 3:02 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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Hi Ilovemyboys!!!
My Corrections will be in Red
What I Like will be in Purple
And the stuff I Didnt like will be in Green

ilovemyboys wrote:First of all, I was in love with my best friend. We were totally different, him being a computer nerd, me being an artist with a huge ego. ]Nice Start!
"Elliot, Chay's here!" Keeva, Elliot's big sister shouted up the stairs. I smiled as my best friend came stumbling down the stairs, his shirt on backwards and his glasses lopsided. He tripped on the last step as Keeva went up into her room and we were on our own in the hallway.
"You have paint in your hair," he mentioned. I giggled and shook my head.
"Are you OK?" he asked. I nodded, crossing my arms and looking around the hallway. There were loads of pictures of Elliot, Keeva and his parents, before his mum had been killed by her ex-boyfriend]. Its not that I don't like it, its just that I need more information!!!!We ran up to Elliot's room and played on his PlayStation 3. I kicked ass, of course, but he was so much better than me. Elliot used his cheat codes and cut my player's head off.
"Oh, you git," I murmured. Elliot wrestled me onto my back and before I knew it, he was tickling me mercilessly. I laughed relentlessly, arching my back into his hands.
"You gonna say sorry?" Elliot whispered in my ear. I nodded, tears brimming in my eyes. He let go of my arms and I punched him in the stomach, knocking him to the floor. He hit his head on the floor, hard, and he groaned in pain.
"Ow," he muttered. I bit my lip and jumped down beside him. His eyes were closed and he was shaking.
"Elliot? I'm sorry!" I pleaded, crawling over him. He opened his eyes and sat up so quickly, our noses bumped together.
"Ow!" I exclaimed. Elliot laughed, but didn't move away. His glasses magnified his hazel eyes slightly, so they seemed bigger and more alert. Alright, I know you're childhood friends... but, that's too touchy feely for me!
"Chay, that actually really hurt," he blurted out. I giggled and punched him in the shoulder, earning another tickle attack. I guess it was his way of getting back at me. By the time he was satisfied, I was crying.
"Ok, ok!" I whispered. Elliot smiled.
"So, wanna see something I did on my computer?" he asked. I nodded eagerly and he switched on his computer screen and went through his animated pictures. I'd seen most of them, and I genuinely thought that they were amazing. He clicked on one and it filled his computer screen.
"Holy crap!" I exclaimed. It was brilliantly coloured, blue, gold, red and purple and the words in green
ELLIOT + CHAY= BEST FRIENDS
"Oh my god,it's amazing!" I whispered, hugging him. His thin arms wrapped around my shoulders and he stroked my blond hair gently.
Awwwww I love that!
"I'm glad you like it," Elliot whispered back. He pulled away and lay down on his bed. I lead next to him, holding his hand. We just stared at each other, a silent conversation going on between us. I took off his glasses and put them on, and my vision went blurry. I grinned like an idiot and took them off, and before I gave them back to him, I took in his appearance without glasses. To be honest, I preferred him with glasses, as he looked... kinder. I gave them back to him and he played with my fringe for a while, twisting it around his fingers and plaiting it. I giggled at his attempt to make it look nice and ran my hands through his longish brown hair, that was smooth and straight. It fell in front of his glasses and brushed the bridge of his slim nose. Elliot's face was smooth and clear, pimple and freckle free, and pale, as if he didn't spend much time in the sun.
"You're cute with your glasses on," I said self consciously. Elliot laughed and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
"You're cute with your hair down. Why do you have it up all the time?" he said back to me. He reached around and tugged my hair out of its ponytail, making it fall around my shoulders and down my back. Honestly, I preferred my hair down, but I could see what I was doing better when it was up.
"Chay, you look beautiful," Elliot announced, whispering it into my ear. I blushed and covered my fair with my hair, but Elliot pushed it back.
"Why are you blushing?"
I shrugged, not meeting his eyes. My heart was thumping rapidly and Elliot must have noticed too, because he put his hand on my chest where my heart was.
"Calm down," he said. I giggled and put my hand where his heart was. A steady beat.
THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP
I slipped my hand back into his and I cuddled up to him. He smelled of mint and vanilla, with a slight hint of lily.
"I love you Elliot," I whispered so quietly, I hardly heard it. I didn't think he heard it, which I would be glad of.
No such luck.
"I love you too, Chay," he whispered back, his breath on my ear. I twisted my face to see him and he was blushing like crazy. I smiled and kissed him swiftly on the lips. Elliot blushed even more deeply and kissed me back. It lasted longer than anticipated, but I was grateful for it. He opened and closed his mouth in sync to me and I pressed my self to his slender wiry body. I fit perfectly. Elliot's lips were soft and warm, when I expected them to be hard. Eventually, he pulled away for air. His eyes were clouded over and he was breathing deeply.
"You still have paint in your hair," he said. I burst out laughing. Then, I twisted my body so that my chin was resting on his shoulder and he could slip his arm around my waist. My eyelids felt heavy so I closed them. Elliot kissed my nose and turned the light off..........

But the light turned off!? Did the lights turn out or was it just a dream!?]Hello people. I know this isn't very good, I just want tips on how to make it better :) thanks


HEYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!,
This was an amazing piece! How long did it take for you to write!? Cause it was pretty darn good! I loved the emotion, it was so––so real... I didnt see any spelling errors so kudos to you!! The one thing I didn't like is that you didnt give my any information on the death...... but its kinda good cause now I want more. Yes, thats right! You've got a regular!!
CONGRAJULATIONS!!!!!
your lines
are divine
very fine!
did you like my praise poem? I don't give it to just anyone...
CHOW FOR NOW,
sionarama 8)
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A




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hey ilovemyboys!
This was very cute(; but I do have a few suggestions to take this piece and make it even cuter!
First of all, I was in love with my best friend.

You should only use first of all if you are going to continue and write a second or third of all.
"Are you OK?" he asked. I nodded, crossing my arms and looking around the hallway. There were loads of pictures of Elliot, Keeva and his parents, before his mum had been killed by her ex-boyfriend.

First, Elliot asks if Chay is okay, but why? She didn't do anything weird for him to ask this. Maybe if you include a weird facial expression or something this would be good. Second, having his mum killed is a bit overwhelming and random. if you are going to continue writing this piece and this is an issue the two MCs will discuss, then elaborate on it more or take it out completely until you are ready to discuss the issue.
His thin arms wrapped around my shoulders and he stroked my blond hair gently.
"I'm glad you like it," Elliot whispered back. He pulled away and lay down on his bed. I lead next to him, holding his hand. We just stared at each other, a silent conversation going on between us. I took off his glasses and put them on, and my vision went blurry. I grinned like an idiot and took them off, and before I gave them back to him, I took in his appearance without glasses.

Best friends normally don't jump into things such as wrapping arms around shoulders and stroking hair. My advice (feel free to disregard if you don't agree) is to have some love looks between the two and describe how Chay feels about it. Does it make her all tingly inside and happy that Elliot made this? If she is in love with him, than this must have made her heart go crazy. Well, tell the readers that!

That's all I really have to say! :] PM me if you need any help!
-SodapopLunchbox
I hope you like the stars I stole for you,
One hundred million twinkle lights in neon blue.
I'll be the brightest,
You'll see!




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Sionarama
First of all, great user name
Second of all, thanks for the summary
And lastly, it took me about two hours to write this.
I'm considering writing what happened to Elliots mum, throught Elliots Point of View. What do you think?
ilovemyboys
They don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart
Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin
-Skin, Sixx:A.M




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Hey there! You said, "I'm considering writing what happened to Elliots mum, throught Elliots Point of View. What do you think?" I don't really understand what you mean about what is happening to Elliot's mum, but I think you should go for it! Writing more is always good. :D

Anyway, onto the review! and by the way, this is my 2,000th review. Feel lucky!

I think you should cut a bit of the beginning. First of all, telling us that she has a crush on her best friend kind of ruins the story! Why not let us find out who she has a crush on and all that throughout the course of the story? Also, you should skip some of the stuff with her just playing video games or whatever... it's not real interesting and it's not really to the point. What is more important is what is happening between her and her friend, right? So write about that!

You should also try to make some of this more awkward for the characters, I think. Imagine: you have a total crush on your best friend and you're just lying next to him and he's playing with your hair THIS WOULD BE SOOO AWKWARD! Even if you like him and he likes you, before that's established, it's nerve racking. You did focus on it but I think you should focus on it a bit more. Really remind us about it because it's an important conflict of emotions - embarrassment and nervousness mixed with excitement and love!

Best of luck!
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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So, here to leave a comment! I'm Sol and I enjoyed this is was very cute.

"Holy crap!" I exclaimed. It was brilliantly coloured, blue, gold, red and purple and the words in green
ELLIOT + CHAY= BEST FRIENDS

Cool!

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

Maybe you can write commas or like this: THUMB! THUMB! THUMB! THUMB!
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."




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Hey there.

I don't really get why you decided to have the narrator's best friend as a geek. For all I care, you could of used any other archtype and it would of had the same effect. I'm saying this because it seems like you don't really make use of your "computer" motif to help explain as to why they are in a relationship.

This piece was boring to read, no offence. Nothing really happened, besides the "oh sorry", "oh hey wanna see something I did" etc. It's just filler and doesn't really give us an idea of what their relationship is like.

Come on, you can do better.

Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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Awwww... a cute love story!

I would probably get rid of the first paragraph... I like to be dumped into stories, so I would rather be sucked in with the dialogue. :) Another thing, I don't really think that Elliot's mom dying is very crucial to this story, so I think it probably doesn't need to be here.

Still, I loved the cute love story! It was very cute and adorable, etc. If I could give any overall comments, it would be to flesh out the details, especially with the tickle fight.

Anyhow, nice work!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Hey ilovemyboys.
Here are the reasons why i liked this story and disliked it.

Why i liked it: This story was sweet.

Why i disliked it: I got so confused.



the button war, the egg being featured member, and santa necro-liking halloween-esque works are the reasons i love yws
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