Death by Chess June 25, 2091 Part Two

Why I will NEVER ride a motorcycle...

I must have looked like something from a bad cops movie. Gun in my belt, hair tied back into what could be called a ponytail, topped off with skin-tight jeans and a leather jacket made for one sort of disturbing version of me. It was like I had another side, a very evil side.

I looked at Arnold, lying dead on the floor. Jack came up behind me, and put a hand on my shoulder. He pointed to Arnold, "That's just something not to write home about," he burst into laughter, but I was still horrified.

Jerro motioned for us all to come outside. My first heist, my first murder, all in one day. And Bree said I would never accomplish anything in my life, if you called this an accomplishment. I shook my head, as if doing so would clear out any memories of what I did.

"You know how to drive?" Mark raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe,"

"Get on." He patted the seat behind him on his black motorcycle. I started shaking, and shook my head in defiance. I would never, ever, ride a motorcycle. I had promised myself that. They were stupid, dangerous, and would only get me killed.

"Bloody coward," I heard Reg say. Just to show him off, I got on the motorcycle, and wrapped my arms around Marks waist.

"What about helmets?" I asked immediately after getting on.

"Get this," Mark yelled, "she thinks we use helmets."

"Can I just kill her now, and save someone else the trouble?" Antonio asked. He threw a nasty glance in my direction. Whether it was meant to scare me more, or just prove his point, I wasn't quite sure.

He looked at me, "This is a gang, not preschool." The engine started up on his motorcycle, and I used his shoulder to hide my eyes. I could feel how fast we were going, and made the mistake of looking. From what I could see, his motorcycle was going over one hundred miles an hour.

"Were going to crash!" I yelled.

"A little more faith, please," Mark chuckled, and pushed the bike even faster. I had never been more scared in my life.

I really liked this, it flows really well and i did not have any problems reading it at all. It jumps straight into the story and builds up suspense in the reader which is always a good thing. Interesting title too.

I must have looked like something from a bad cops movie. Gun in my belt, hair tied back into what could be called a ponytail, topped off with skin-tight jeans and a leather jacket made for one sort of disturbing version of me. It was like I had another side, a very evil side. (good opening, we like)

Jerro motioned for us all to come outside. My first heist, my first murder, all in one day. And Bree said I would never accomplish anything in my life, if you called this an accomplishment. I shook my head, as if doing so would clear out any memories of what I did. (just a reminder that AND should really not start a sentence. Try a comma or just leave it without one you will probably find it flows best without one.)

so what happens next......... ?

Hello.

The first thing that struck me was the description of the MC's outfit. I'm not completely sure how plausible it is, considering just how tight skinny jeans are. The whole scene looks a bit too much like it's out of a movie, and movies aren't always realistic. However, books really should be as realistic as possible and not just rely on the pop-culture stereotypes.

And the turn-around for her hating motorcycles to getting on one was quick. Yes, she wanted to show him up. But I've read a few parts of this story now and I still have no idea about her character motivation. Why would she just do that without hesitating, change her opinion on a dime? Even if she's got that type of personality hard-set opinions don't usually switch around like that because she wants to show somebody up. She'd debate about it a little, hesitate, even.

Right now, you need to get the character together and get the world pegged down. All the characters read to me as two-dimentional because we're not given all that much time to get to know them. This style of story doesn't lend itself well to getting to know the character too much, but at least stop enough so we know how they feel about the whole situation. Right now, we don't know how she feels about the whole situation because events just move along without any pause. And she never goes back to reflect. I'd suggest looking at this article on pacing for more tips on the subject.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey