To Hell And Back

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Your eyes, they casted a spell on my willing soul,
From day one you had me jumping at all your commands.
My soul, my heart, my mind was under your control,
You had me completly, a slave to your wishes and demands.
Your smile, graced me like the morning suns ray,
All you had to do was look at me and id fall back to you.
You had me on my knees to you, as if to pray,
Everything about you seemd so real and so true.
Your hands, as they caressed my own,
Made me feel like i was in outter space.
Wrapped in your embrace finally not alone,
My head on your chest as i turn to look at your face.
Your voice, so gentle and loving,
I felt like it was an angel from above speaking to me.
Every word that left your mouth was like it was shoving,
Shoving me to bow down to you but i thought thats how it was meant to be.
But your effect on me soon started to rub off,
Lost and confussed i let go of your hand.
You were eating my soul alive, it was time i left your trough,
It was time i walked away into unknown land.
I turn back to see your lies through my now untainted eyes,
The boy i loved was never really there.
The colour black i now see above you in the skies,
All i can do is stand there and stare.
My love now told to be untrustworthy and dangerous,
This cant be true i knew you to well.
I know its all lies or am i just delirious,
Is it true what they say? Your souls been deemed to hell?
I must go back i cant see you fall,
I must find out i wont let this be.
Your standing their quiet but i can hear your beconing call,
Ill stand brave and true to you, true to me.
I know your still in there, i wont give up till i find you,
Ill travel to hell and back to redeem your soul from the devil.
It wasnt a dream, the man i love i know is true,
You will soon be back on my level.
Ill face off with whom ever tries to stop me,
Ill free your soul, body and heart.
Your eyes so beautiful will soon be able to see,
I will take your hand and lead you home, you will soon be back at the start.




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This is a great poem. i think it would be great though if you kept the part where you said that you noticed him eating your soul to sum it up and end it, sort of? I loved it though! Welcome to youngwriterssociety! Keep up the GREAT work! :D
Feelings restrained;
Devils remain;
Paranoia is part of the blame.




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Hiya, and welcome to the Young Writers Society! The content of this poem is excellent, so I will just go through and edit some things in red ...

melsmall94 wrote:Your eyes, they cast a spell on my willing soul,You don't need a comma here, but you have the poetic license to mess around with punctuation however you like
From day one you had me jumping at all your commands.
My soul, my heart, my mind was under your control,
You had me completely, a slave to your wishes and demands. (I usually associate slavery with commands. I might change "demands" to "commands.")
Your smile (You didn't need a comma there.)graced me like the morning sun's ray,
All you had to do was look at me and I'd fall back to you.
You had me on my knees to you,If the person you're addressing had you on your knees, it is understood that it would be to them. Either omit "to you," or replace, "You had me" with "I was." as if to pray,
Everything about you seemed so real and so true.
Your hands, as they caressed my own,
Made me feel like I was in outer space.
Wrapped in your embrace finally not alone,
My head on your chest as I turn You are inconsistent in your tense here.to look at your face.
Your voice, so gentle and loving,
I felt like it was an angel from above speaking to me.
Every word that left your mouth was like it was shoving,
Shoving I like the repetition of "shoving." me to bow down to you but I thought that's how it was meant to be.
But your effect on me soon started to rub off,
Lost and confused I let go of your hand.
You were eating my soul alive,You use the passive tense here. it was time I left your trough,
It was time I walked away into unknown land.
I turn back to see your lies through my now untainted eyes,I like the use of the word "untainted." Good job!
The boy I loved was never really there.
I now see the colour black above you in the skies,
All I can do is stand there and stare.
My love now told to be untrustworthy and dangerous,
This can't be true I knew you too well
I know it's all lies or am i just delirious?
Is it true what they say? Your soul's been damned to hell?
I must go back I can't see you fall,
I must find out I won't let this be.
You're standing there quiet but I can hear your beckoningcall,
I'll stand brave and true to you, true to me.
I know you're still in there, I wont give up till I find you,
I'll travel to hell and back to redeem your soul from the devil.
It wasn't a dream, the man I love I know is true,
You will soon be back on my level.
I'll face off with whoever tries to stop me,
I'llfree your soul, body and heart.
Your eyes so beautiful will soon be able to see,
I will take your hand and lead you home, you will soon be back at the start.


Just a reminder: you don't have to take any of advice or follow through with any of my corrections, but I do recommend it. Thanks!




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Awesome! I lovedd it.
“I'm gonna be a superstar musician, kill myself and go out in a flame of glory, just ike Jimi Hendrix"-Kurt Cobain<3




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Hey Mel

Abigail_W has made most of the corrections to grammar but I'll give my two cents. I feel like it was a bit jumbled up perhaps a bit of spacing into stanzas would have helped it a bit. The flow of the poem was good as was the imagery but I didn't really connect to it.

Keep Writing.
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

Anton Chekov



are we even writers if we never did huge research and used none of it?
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