Hero

Galloping, galloping, ride through the night,
Before you the darkness, behind you the light.
You outrun the beat of your heart in your flight:
The choice now before you, to flee or to fight.

A fighter by birth, a hero by choice;
Nations are plunged into war by your voice.
You are young, you are strong, you have nothing to lose;
When the wild wind calls, you cannot refuse.

Whispering, whispering, hold to your heart
The child that sleeps in your trembling arms.
Take one final look, and then slip away
Into the cold, the dark before day.

This emptiness inside your heart can't be filled:
Ask yourself now why you fight, why you kill.
There is no one to love you, no one to trust;
Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust.

Wandering, wandering, walk by the sea;
Alone with yourself, you are destined to be
A light to the world, a lone firebrand:
You hold the fate of the world in your hands.

Straighten your shoulders, never look back,
Even when all you know is fading to black.
There's a tear in your eye, but you won't let it fall;
Face your fear, say goodbye, clench your fists, and stand tall.

I like this poem, it is sad but strong, I don't really see many mistakes but I do wonder, What is this person running from, is it there life, or is it them self, or are they tring to find something better? I dont know, but I really liked it, the theme was great and I like the rhyming, the poem flowed pretty good when I was reading it, the only part I dont get is the part about the child asleep in your arms, it just doesnt seem to fit into the story, Why would you leave the child?
Overall I love the poem! Its great!!

GREAT flow. GREAT rhythm. GREAT rhyme. GREAT context. GREAT POEM! ten out of ten!
I couldn't find any mistakes or things i didn't like. I got sucked in from the start and the whole thing was like an adventure! I'm envious of your talent! I absolutely loved it.

You´ve got a very good rhythm and a good way with words!
There are two things that makes this text as good as it is.

First: The rhythm.

Second The rhyme.

my favourite part was:


"A fighter by birth, a hero by choice;
Nations are plunged into war by your voice.
You are young, you are strong, you have nothing to lose;
When the wild wind calls, you cannot refuse."

Great job!



Milo

I honestly loved this peom. I felt as if i couldn't stop reading it and i just wanted more. Well done great poem.

Warrior Princess wrote:Galloping, galloping, ride through the night,
Before you the darkness, behind you the light. Even with the correct grammar, I still had to read this part over to finally understand it. Is there a way you can rephrase it to sound nice, to be understandable, and still rhyme
You outrun the beat of your heart in your flight:
The choice now before you, to flee or to fight. Nice part, these two lines are perfect together.

A fighter by birth, a hero by choice;
Nations are plunged into war by your voice. She fights using her voice??
You are young, you are strong, you have nothing to lose;
When the wild wind calls, you cannot refuse.

Whispering, whispering, hold to your heart
The child that sleeps in your trembling arms.
Take one final look, and then slip away This line loses a beat of rhythm. Place another one-syllable word in there and it will be fine.
Into the cold, the dark before day.

This emptiness inside your heart can't be filled:
Ask yourself now why you fight, why you kill.
There is no one to love you, no one to trust;
Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust.

Wandering, wandering, walk by the sea;
Alone with yourself, you are destined to be
A light to the world, a lone firebrand:
You hold the fate of the world in your hands. You lose rhythm here by losing rhyme. You can simply take off the 's'.

Straighten your shoulders, never look back,
Even when all you know is fading to black.
There's a tear in your eye, but you won't let it fall;
Face your fear, say goodbye, clench your fists, and stand tall. Too long. Loses rhythm once again.

Overall

Okay, so I really liked reading this. You have good rhythm and rhyme, except at some parts which can easily be fixed. Just remember if you alter the rhyme scheme, you also alter the rhythm, which we don't want to happen. It makes for a lesser poem and seems not as important, which we definitely don't want.

I think you chose well for a topic and wrote about it well. You have a great way with poems and I urge you to continue and never stop. I'm interested to read more of your work.

Lavvi

Thank you, everyone! I'm psyched that you liked my poem. I realize the syllables get a little unmanageable here and there, but you know, such is life. To LavenderBlue: a little explanation...the line that reads "Nations are plunged into war by your voice" means that he/she is a charismatic speaker who posesses the ability to sway the masses to rise up against their enemies. (I hope that made sense.) Anyway, your appreciation is appreciated! Thank you.

I realy liked it. Any writer who reads this will have a story put in thier head. I must ask where did you get the inspiration? Do you have a story behind it? You put forth so much emotion and trama in the words that I could easily take it and weave it into a story. Do you write other than poetry? I would like to use this as inspiration if you would. I would gladly give you the credit, if possible. Or if you could write it I'd love to read of this fearsome hero.
With the best of luck to you and your writing, Writer