Chapter One

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They execute anyone who doesn’t believe. Almost everyone doesn’t, but us people don’t say a thing. If we do, we are executed the next day, with none stop torture throughout the night. They first whip your feet with a leather cord till they look like a ripped up shirt, then they slit your arm, from the wrist to the elbow and put your arms in hot water, so they bleed out more. Your screams are broadcasted on live radio with a step-by-step introduction to everything that is happening. They do this, so everyone knows not to mess with the government; it goes on like this all night, the officers finding new and improved ways to torture that one person who spoke out. Then the next day, on all the televisions, all the radios, and any form of communication they broadcast the person being stoned to death.
“That’s Hennery Bellow” said an old women’s voice from behind us in the jostling crowd. There was a TV on, in the window of the electronic store, “The poor dear, used to go to school here”
“Eh!” another voice answered her with a depressed satisfaction “He just wanted his voice heard, like most of us do, Hail the Grey!”
Then the ladies departed and pushed past me and my sister, and I clutched her arm and looked at the TV. Hennery was being carried in a white sack; you could see blood staining the bag as he was slowly reclined in a half dug up hole. He was then buried to his elbows, he cried out a quick prayer to God and an “I love you” to his family, as our dictator, Austin Grey yelled Aim! Then, there was silence, everyone on the streets, on bikes and in cars stopped and turned to the TV’s and listened to the radios, Mary slid her face behind me arm. Hire! The Grey yelled out. I closed my eyes as Hennery was pelted with stones; screams came from his freckled face but I could tell they were slowly dying away, just like him. The crowds around us started to shuffle along again, but with a quite mumble about them. I turned my sister around, and Mary held my hand tighter than ever before.
“Charlotte?” Mary asked me, very quietly. “Hennery’s gone, isn’t he?” Her dark blue eyes looked up at me anxiously; I gazed at her and tossed her light brown waves in my hands and whispered sweetly in my little sister’s ear,
“Yes, but he is still alive in our hearts, don’t you ever forget that,” We turned around quickly and walked away from the screen that had showed our dying brother.

The crowd was pressing in close on either side of us as we squeezed underneath the metal gate and onto the stone built bridge. We started to jog, but the cracked stone made me trip up a couple times, making me dig my fingers into Mary’s pale arm as we jogged along. The market people dodging in our way, as we hurried to school,
“Want to buy an apple for school, girls?” one man exclaimed; I shook my head excessively and kept going. The streets were full of men and women, bikes and all sorts of nifty things. Lace for dresses, flour for baking, and even chewing gum made from wheat. A rusty yellow jeep honked as we skid in front of it, but I didn’t dare glimpse back, because it could cost me a beating if it was a government official or officer. You didn’t dare look in their eyes.
We kept our pace as we reached the St. Austin Grey Balasim Educational Academy, complementary of our government. We rushed forth to the huge sandstone building as the school bell rang. I took a quick halt, Oh No! We are late! I thought to myself. Mary glared up at me with a miserable look in her eyes. We slowly and steadily walked up the stairs and knocked on the huge brass knocker.
The double oak door was covered with carved pictures, of owls, book and other educational signs. Over it were the words, We Teach the New Balasim Society. I hung my head with sorrow until I heard the door creaking open; I smiled as I saw small Ms. Gregory. She grinned at us woefully.
“Lucky I answered the door, aren’t we ladies” She said, her jet black hair was tied in a bun on top of her head and her huge metal spectacles sagged on her face with a purple cord suspended from the ends of her glasses and around her wrinkled neck. Ms. Gregory motioned us in and led us down the long hallway.
A plush forest green carpet lay on the grey lament floor and the walls were white and creamy. Silver lockers lined the walls, as well as dark brown mahogany wood doors, with brass door knobs. The ceiling propelled forest green draperies with our school logo and motto on every second one. It sickened me to know that I had to go to this school, and I had to try to act cheerful even today.
Ms. Gregory led us to Mary’s class first. She unlocked the door from the bundle of keys she had and exposed us to the grade one class. The teacher Mrs. Emery was teaching the children about patterns, she glared over with her shiny black eyes. Mary sulked behind me as her thin, lean body developed atop us. I stood in front of Mary, and glared back at the teacher, knowing it could cost me a slap across the face, but Ms. Gregory saved us both.
“They have both been punished severely by myself” she lied. “The best thing to do would be to just get back to class”
“I suppose so,” Mrs. Emery spoke solemnly letting her pale white lips hang as she spoke, making her voice sound mumbled. Mary left with her teacher and I left with Ms. Gregory. We carried on down the hallway and as we entered in to the grade ten sections I started to drag myself even slower than before, so we wouldn’t get to my grade eleven section so fast. Ms. Gregory’s swift feet noticed me lacking in speed and stopped to let me catch up. She looked at me hopelessly.
“I am sorry about your loss this morning” she started, she patting my back as a comforting gesture, but it didn’t do much for me.
“I’m just scared that me… and my sister… we will be next…” I gazed up at Ms. Gregory, then started again, “Just like my… mom… dad… and now… my brother” She hugged my tense body, and I let myself go and cried. I let the tears run down my face and drip onto Ms. Gregory’s shoulder. That would usually cost me the strap. It’s not right to show your emotions in school.
“That won’t happen, unless you try to overthrow the government” she said holding me tighter,
“But I want to… that’s the thing, I want my mother, my father and my brothers wish to become free… I want it to happen… so they didn’t just die for nothing!” I held on to Ms. Gregory tighter and she rubbed my back severely as she took hold of my hands and looked me straight in the eye.
“Let’s take you to the nurse” She said calmly, she walked me down to the nurse’s office and we slowly glanced in to see Mr. Johnson, peeping out of his office door. His office, was small and everything in it was white. From the floor and walls, to the bed covers and pillow case’s. There was a small bathroom on the left side of the room, at the back were a bed and a small sink, with a divider so people could have privacy. On the right wall was a door leading to Mr. Johnson’s private office, and in the front of the room there were two small sofa chairs, and a little table with magazines on it.
“Oh! You poor thing” Mr. Johnson exclaimed as he looked out in the hallway and closed and locked the door behind us. Ms. Gregory sat down on one of the sofa chairs and motioned for me to sit too, “I expected to see you here with Ms. Gregory. You always are after… this happens” He whispered the end as if wanting not wanting to say it. I didn’t want to hear it ether. He took my hand and had me sit down on the little nurse’s bed.
Mr. Johnson took my temperature. His emerald green eyes eyeing the thermometer closely and his bleach blond hair was cut army short to stay out of his face during work. He told me to lie down, and he put a warm cloth on my forehead. I did as I was told and crawled under the covers of the small bed and closed my eyes; I could hear Mr. Johnson, and Ms. Gregory chatting in Mr. Johnson’s private office,
“The poor dears,” Ms. Gregory started “they have no mother, father or older brother now”
“Do you know who they are staying with now?” Mr. Johnson asked,
“I heard they have to stay with their uncle now. He is a full Balasim supporter, an official to be precise”
“The poor girls’. It will be awful for them, they were raised the complete opposite! Their parents were rebellions!”
“I know, I wonder how they will adapt to life now”
“I wish one of us could adopt them, and then they will at least still be with their own kind”
“Me too, Sam Johnson, me too…”
Last edited by WelcomingException on Thu Jul 28, 2011 4:26 am, edited 2 times in total.
What a Welcoming Exception *




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IFirst Impressions

The first thing I can thing after reading this is that you must slow down. There is so much happening in such a short space that it's down right dizzying. Within the first half a paragraph I know the main character is living part time on the streats and is a survivor of abuse, but I don't need to know that much that quickly! Slow down, take a breath, and really focus on description as opposed to an info dump. Right now you're telling me way too much, and I want you to show me. Rather than focusing on giving so much so quickly, really focus on bringing a reader in and developing the story. Instead of telling me that she was in an abusive relationship, show me. Have a prologue or a flash back with Jeff in a fit of rage and make me feel your characters pain and fear.

On Punctuation

Something that many people forget to count as important is proper punctuation, and really this can be a huge detriment to your writing. I highly suggest taking an hour or so and touching up on the basics and then doing some self editing before posting next time. I also noticed that you forgot to capitalize your I's a few times, which to me just seems a bit lazy. Putting in the extra effort to punctuate well will really do you wonders, I promise.

Hope this helps,

OverEasy
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Hey WE, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I sprinted up the three sets of stairs to the two bedroom apartment I shared with three other people.


You start off with this explanation and then just randomly go into action. It's strange.
“You are like a butterfly, my dear” he started;


Confused about dialogue punctuation? Here!

I didn't have to work becuase people payed Drew rent


because

We are going to rebell though.


rebel.

Luckly I am now, but i'm scared shitless.


Luckily, I'm.

Alright.

II. PACE

It's similar to what Tiff said, you need to work on your pace. There's a whole bunch of stuff going on. I would get rid of the first paragraph and expand the scene with her roommates, I think it'd be more useful. The whole Jeff thing is kind of overrated. But the government thing was interesting and actually had me hooked, but it seem added in as an afterthought. There's too much going on here. Take your time, and show us your characters along the way. They're right now, nothing but names. We need more of a sense of them- and your protagonist, before we can go any further.

III. OVERALL

Could use a little work, but seems like an interesting concept!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Hello there :)

I just like your writing style, it's good. Firstly though, I think that next time before you submit something make sure your work is spaced because everything is just crammed into one place. Anyway, I like the plot of the story and where you are taking it but your punctuation still needs some work.

Keep writing this, it sounds good.
The best is what you make it!

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My comments are in red, as well as the things I changed. (Comments are in brackets, fixes are not)

They execute anyone who doesn’t believe. Almost everyone doesn’t, but us people don’t say a thing. If we do, we are executed the next day, with none stop torture throughout the night. They first whip your feet with a leather cord till they look like strips of cloth, then they slit your arm, from the wrist to the elbow and put your arms in hot water, so they bleed out more. Your screams are broad-casted on live radio with a step-by-step introduction to everything that is happening. They do this, so everyone knows not to mess with the government; it goes on like this all night, the officers finding new and improved ways to torture that one person who spoke out. Then the next day, on all the televisions, all the radios, and any form of communication they broadcast the person being stoned to death. #FF0000 ">(Speak out about what? Maybe you later on. I don't know. I'm just commenting as I read.)
“That’s Henry Bellow” said an old women’s voice from behind us in the jostling crowd. There was a TV on, in the window of the electric store #FF0000 ">(Electric store? Do you mean electronic store?), “The poor dear, used to go to school here in town”
“Eh!” another voice answered her with a depressed satisfaction#FF0000 ">(...depressed satisfaction..?) “He just wanted his voice heard, like most of us do, Hail the Grey!”
Then the ladies departed and pushed past me and my sister,#FF0000 ">(and) I clutched her arm and looked at the TV. Henry was being carried in a white sack; you could see blood staining the bag as he was slowly reclined in a half dug up hole. He was then buried to his elbows, he cried out a quick prayer to God and an “I love you” to his family, as our dictator, Austin Grey yelled Aim! Then, there was silence, everyone on the streets, on bike and in cars stopped and turned to the TV’s and listened to the radios, Mary slid her face behind me arm. #FF0000 ">Fire! The Grey yelled out. I closed my eyes as Henry was pelted with stones; screams came from his freckled face but I could tell they were slowly dying away, just like him. The crowd around us started to shuffle along again, but with a quite mumble about them. I turned my sister around, and Mary held my hand tighter than ever before.
“Charlotte?” Mary asked me, very quietly. “Henry’s gone, isn’t he?” Her dark blue eyes looked up at me anxiously; I gazed at her and tossed her light brown waves in my scared hands #FF0000 ">(How are hands scared?) and whispered sweetly in my little sister’s ear,
“Yes, but he is still alive in our hearts, don’t you ever forget that,” We turned around quickly and walked away from the screen that had #FF0000 ">showed our dying brother.

The crowd was pressing in close on either side of us as we squeezed underneath the metal gate and onto the stone bridge. We started to jog, #FF0000 ">but the cracked stone made me trip up a couple times, making me dig my fingers into Mary’s pale arm as we jogged along. The market people #FF0000 ">got in our way as we hurried to school#FF0000 ">.
“Want to buy an apple for school, girls?” one man exclaimed#FF0000 ">. I shook my head with #FF0000 ">furry (Furry? Like a furry dog?) and kept going. The streets were full of #FF0000 ">men, women, bikes and all sorts of nifty things. #FF0000 ">Lace for dresses, flour for baking, and even chewing gum for the habit some children carried on.( I would try rewording this sentence) A rusty yellow jeep#FF0000 ">(Hehe...Yellow jeep ;D) honked as we s#FF0000 ">lid in front of it, but I didn’t dare glimpse back because it could cost me a beating if it was a government official or officer. You didn’t dare look in their eyes.
We kept our pace as we reached the St. Austin Grey Communist Educational Academy, complementary of our government. We rushed forth to the huge sandstone building as the school bell rang. I took a quick halt, #FF0000 ">Oh no... We are late! I thought to myself. Mary glared up at me with #FF0000 ">a miserable look in her eyes. We slowly walked up the stairs and knocked on the huge brass knocker.
The double oak door #FF0000 ">were covered with carved pictures of owls, book#FF0000 ">s and other educational signs. #FF0000 ">Over it were the words, We Teach the New Communist Society. I hung my head with sorrow until I heard the door creaking open#FF0000 ">. I smiled as I saw small Ms. Gregory. She grinned at us woefully.
“Lucky I answered the door, aren’t we ladies” #FF0000 ">She said, her murky (Murky means hazy or unclear, so I would use a different word as this doesn't really describe hair) black hair tied in a bun on top of her head and her huge metal spectacles sagging on her face with a purple cord suspended from the ends of her glasses and around her wrinkled neck. (Oh noes, run on sentence :O) Ms. Gregory motioned us in and led us down the #FF0000 ">long hallway.
A plush forest green carpet lay on the gray lament floor and the walls were white and creamy. Silver lockers lined the walls, as well as dark brown mahogany wood doors with brass door knobs. The ceiling propelled forest green draperies with our school logo and motto. It sickened me to know that I had to go to this school, and I had to try to act cheerful even today.
Ms. Gregory led us to Mary’s class first#FF0000 ">. She unlocked the door from the bundle of keys she had and #FF0000 ">exposed (Word choice) us to the grade #FF0000 ">one class. The teacher Mrs. Emery was teaching the children about patterns#FF0000 ">and she glared over with her shiny black eyes. Mary sulked behind me as her thin, lean body developed atop us. I stood in front of Mary, and glared back at the teacher, knowing it could cost me a slap across the face, but Ms. Gregory saved us both.
“They #FF0000 ">have both been punished severely by myself” she lied. “The best thing to do would be to just get back to class”
“I suppose so,” Mrs. Emery spoke solemnly#FF0000 ">, letting her pale white lips hang as she spoke, making her voice sound mumbled. Mary left with her teacher and I left with Ms. Gregory. We carried on down the hallway and as we entered in to the grade ten sections I started to drag myself even slower than before, so we wouldn’t get to my grade eleven section so fast. Ms. Gregory noticed me lacking in speed and #FF0000 ">stopped to let me catch up. She looked at me hopelessly.
“I am sorry about your loss this morning” she started, #FF0000 ">patting my back as a comforting gesture, but it didn’t do much for me.
“I’m just scared that me… and my sister… we will be next…” I gazed up at Ms. Gregory, then started again, “#FF0000 ">Just like my… mom… dad… and now… my brother#FF0000 ">.” She hugged my tense body, and I let myself go#FF0000 "> and cried. I let the tears run down my face and drip onto Ms. Gregory’s shoulder.#FF0000 "> It would usually cost me the strap. It’s not right to show your emotions in school.
“That won’t happen, unless you try to overthrow the government” she said holding me tighter#FF0000 ">.
“But I want to#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">That’s the thing, I want my mother, my father and my brother#FF0000 ">'s wish to become free… I want it to happen… so they didn’t just die for nothing!” I held on to Ms. Gregory tighter and she rubbed my back severely as she took hold of my hands and looked me straight in the eye.
“Let’s take you to the nurse” She said calmly, she walked me down to the nurse’s office and we slowly glanced in to see Mr. Johnson, peeping out of his office door. #FF0000 ">His office was small and everything in it was white.. From the floor and walls, to the bed covers and pillow case’s #FF0000 "> (Bed stuff? In an office?). There was a small bathroom on the left side of the room, at the back #FF0000 ">was a bed and a small sink, with a divider so people could have privacy#FF0000 ">. On the right wall was a door leading to Mr. Johnson’s private office, and in the front of the room there #FF0000 ">were two small sofa chairs and a little table with magazines on it.
“Oh! You poor thing” Mr. Johnson exclaimed as he looked out in the hallway and closed and locked the door behind us. Ms. Gregory sat down on one of the sofa chairs and motioned for me to sit too#FF0000 ">. “I expected to see you here with Ms. Gregory#FF0000 ">. You always are after… this happens#FF0000 ">.” He whispered the end as if wanting not wanting to say it. I didn’t want to hear it e#FF0000 ">ither. He took my hand and had me sit down on the little nurse’s bed.
Mr. Johnson took my temperature. His emerald green eyes ey#FF0000 ">eing the thermometer closely and his bleach blond hair #FF0000 ">was cut army short to stay out of his face during work. He told me to lie down and put a warm cloth on my forehead. I did as I was told and crawled under the covers of the small bed and closed my eyes#FF0000 ">. I could hear Mr. Johnson and Ms. Gregory chatting in Mr. Johnson’s private office#FF0000 ">.
“The poor dears,” Ms. Gregory started#FF0000 ">, “they have no mother, father or older brother now#FF0000 ">.
“Do you know who they are staying with now?” Mr. Johnson asked#FF0000 ">.
“I heard they have to stay with their uncle now#BF0000 ">. He is a full communist supporter, an official to be precise#FF0000 ">.
“The poor girls#FF0000 ">. It will be awful for them#FF0000 ">- they were raised the complete opposite! Their parents were rebellions!”
“I know, I wonder how they will adapt to life now#FF0000 ">.
“I wish one of us could adopt them, and then they will at least still be with their own kind#FF0000 ">.#FF0000 ">(Own kind? It sounds like they're aliens...)
“Me too, Sam, me too…”


Okay, a couple things.

First, your biggest problem was punctuation. I tried fixing it in a few places, but I think I missed a lot. I would really work on that. Second, this story is confusing. You barely give any details about the rebellions or the government, other than that they are a communist. Besides, correct me if I'm wrong, but communists are about equalness, not strict punishments and such. There are other flaws in the story line that I see- If the punishments happen so often, why would so many people stop to stare?

The last thing is that it was long, but I'm not really sure why. There was the killing, then them going to school, and then at school.

Pretty much I think the story has potential, but the story line isn't fully developed yet. Keep working.

If you have any questions about anything I said, PM me or Facebook me. Either works.
~~DisturbedDisorder~~

I am a little more provocative then you might be..
It's your shock and then your horror on which I feed..
So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean..?
If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be..!?

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The things written in blue are suggestions
#FF0000 ">The things written in red are for the grammatical mistakes that really should be changed
The things written in green are my comments

They execute anyone who doesn’t believe. (This is a good opening line) Almost everyone doesn’t, but us people don’t say a thing. (This line isn't very strong, it's almost awkward-sounding. I would suggest changing it to something along the lines of: "but no one says anything.") If we do, we are executed the next day, with none stop #FF0000 ">non-stop torture throughout the night. They first First, they whip your feet with a leather cord till until they look like resemble a ripped up shirt, shirt. Then they slit your arm#FF0000 ">s, from the wrist to the elbow and put your arms them in hot water, so they bleed out more. Your screams are broadcasted on live radio with a step-by-step introduction to everything that is happening. They do this, (there really is no need to put a comma there) so everyone knows not to mess with the government; it goes on like this all night, the officers finding new and improved ways to torture that one person who spoke out. Then#FF0000 ">, the next day, on all the televisions, all the radios, and any other form of communication#FF0000 ">, they broadcast the person being stoned to death.

I'd just like to say holy balls.
“That’s Hennery Bellow#FF0000 ">,said an old women’s voice an old woman said from behind us in the jostling crowd. There was a TV on, (no need for the comma here) in the window of the electronics store, “The poor dear, used to go to school here#FF0000 ">.

I'd like to point out that you jumped into this dialogue a little too quickly. A moment ago, you were talking about the torture the government inflicts on people, but now, out of no where, you're standing outside of an electronics store. Perhaps you could have done something to soften the transition, if you catch my drift.
“Eh!” another voice answeredherwith a depressed satisfaction#FF0000 ">, “He just wanted his voice heard, like most of us do, Hail the Grey!”


Then the ladies departed (what ladies? I do not remember you mentioning any significant ladies before this)and pushed past me and my sister, andsister. I clutched her arm and looked at the TV. Hennery was being carried in a white sack; you I could see blood staining the bag as he was slowly reclined in a half dug up hole. He was then buried to his elbows, he cried out a quick prayer to God and an “I love you” to his family, as our dictator, Austin Grey yelled "Aim!" Then, there was only silence, everyone on the streets, on bikes and in cars stopped and turned to the TV’s and listened to the radios, (Did the cars stop in the middle of the street? Surely they can continue driving while listening to the radio.) Mary slid her face behind me #FF0000 ">my arm. "Hire!" (I'm not sure if this is some sort of lingo that these people use, or if you meant to type 'Fire!') The Grey yelled out. I closed my eyes as Hennery was pelted with stones; screams came from his freckled face#FF0000 ">, but I could tell they were slowly dying away, just like him. The crowds around us started to shuffle along again, but with a quite mumble about them. I turned my sister around, and Mary held my hand tighter than ever before.

It took me a second to realize that Mary is her sister and not another character being thrown into the story.
“Yes, but he is still alive in our hearts, don’t you ever forget that,” (replace the comma with a period) We turned around quickly and walked away from the screen that had showed our dying brother.

This caught me off-guard, I didn't see that coming. Well played. I will say that it was a bit abrupt, like you threw it in for the heck of it.
The market people dodging in dodged out of our way, as we hurried to school, (period here instead of the comma)

“Want to buy an apple for school, girls?” one a man exclaimed;

I would also suggest putting a period after 'exclaimed' rather than the semi-colon.
Mary glared looked (a glare seems like too angry of an expression for this moment) up at me with a miserable look in her eyes.

The double oak door was covered with carved pictures, (once again, this comma should not be here) of owls, book and other educational signs.

I hung my head with sorrow

I find it interesting how she hangs her head in sorrow because she's late for school, but moments ago she watched her brother being stoned to death, and didn't once mention feeling sorrow.
until I heard the door creaking open; (replace with a period) I smiled as I saw small Ms. Gregory. She grinned back at us woefully.

“Lucky I answered the door, aren’t we ladies#FF0000 ">?” She said, (period) Her jet black hair was tied in a bun on the top of her head and her huge metal spectacles sagged on her face.with A purple cord suspended from the ends of her glasses and around her wrinkled neck.

A plush forest green carpet lay on the grey lament floor and the walls were white and creamy.

This is very descriptive, but almost forcefully so.
and I had to try to act cheerful#FF0000 ">, even today.

The teacher#FF0000 ">, Mrs. Emery#FF0000 ">, was teaching the children about patterns

“They have both been punished severely by myself#FF0000 ">,” she lied. “The best thing to do would be to just get back to class#FF0000 ">.

Okay, in this I'm just going to address all your dialogue issues. Notice the comma after 'myself'. You need punctuation after someone speaks, whether it's a comma, question mark, period, or exclamation mark. Also, the period I added at the end. Even though it's dialogue, it's still a sentence! Sentences end with punctuation. There are several times in this story where you fail to execute dialogue properly. It's easily fixable, but very distracting to the reader (or at least, I found it distracting).
Mrs. Emery spoke solemnly#FF0000 ">, letting her pale white lips hang as she spoke, making her voice sound mumbled. Mary left with her teacher and I left with Ms. Gregory. We carried on down the hallway#FF0000 ">, and as we entered in to the grade ten sections#FF0000 ">, I started to drag myself even slower than before, so we wouldn’t get to my grade eleven sectionso as fast.

I find that you use commas in many places that you shouldn't, but you forget to put them in places where they are needed. Usually, if I'm unsure of where to place a comma, I think of the sentence in my head. If there is a pause, then there should be a comma. Just a suggestion, of course.
Ms. Gregory’s swift feet noticed me lacking in speed and stopped to let me catch up.

I don't like this sentence, it feels off-place with the rest of the story. It would be fine to say something simpler. "Ms. Gregory noticed that I wasn't moving as swift as she was, so she stopped to allow me time to catch up." Or, of course, anything else you think of.
she started said, while she patting #FF0000 ">patted my back. It was meant to be a comforting gesture, but it didn’t do much for me.

“I’m just scared that me… and my sister… we will be next…” I gazed up at Ms. Gregory then started before starting again, “Just like my… mom… dad… and now… my brother” She hugged my tense body, and I let myself go and cried. I let the tears run down my face and drip onto Ms. Gregory’s shoulder. That would usually cost me the strap. It’s not right to show your emotions in school.

I like that she's finally showing some emotion, it's a tad delayed, but it's good to know that she isn't made of stone.
she said holding me tighter, (period)

“Let’s take you to the nurse#FF0000 ">,” She said calmly, (period)

His office, was (remove this comma)

From the floor and walls, to the bed covers and pillow case’s.

BED? Is this an apartment or an office?
“Oh! You poor thing#FF0000 ">!” Mr. Johnson exclaimed

and Ms. Gregory chatting in Mr. Johnson’s private office,

You often end paragraphs with commas. You should end them with periods.



SO. I haven't corrected all of your mistakes, I probably missed many by accident as well. I strongly recommend going back and editing this. I don't know if you already have. but it never hurts to do it again. This has potential to be a ver interesting story (I really do love dystopia novels), but the writing definitely needs improvement to get it there. No worries, that's what this website is for, right? I really do hope this review helped. Cheers!
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss



NO U
— Carina