Box of Dreams

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Points 300

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Tue Jul 13, 2010 2:36 pm

wolfpaws says... · Tue Jul 13, 2010 2:36 pm

Ive been working on this but its not that good. its only a small part of the story but i hope someone likes it.

Riley, Riley wake up. Ugh, why should I Aaron? Because Riley its your thirteenth birthday. I sat up in my warm bed. I struggled for a few seconds to keep my eyes open. I looked down at Aaron. His green eyes shined as he looked up at me. I looked around my room. It was dark except for the light that came through the linen curtains. I got up and separated the curtains so more light could shine in my dark room. The sun was low in the sky. I walked back over to my bed and sat on the edge. I yawned and looked over at the digital clock. The red numbers read eight o’clock. Why did you wake me up so early Aaron? I questioned my younger brother. Because its your thirteenth birthday Riley. Come on now Aaron that cant be the only reason. Well mommy told me to come get you Riley. I yawned again. Were is mommy Aaron? She’s in the other room. Okay Aaron thank you but now I need you to go out of my room. Why? Because. Why? Because I need to change into the cloths I’m going to be wearing today, now out! He then left my room.
I closed my door and turned the light on. I walked over to my closet and got my favorite dark green shirt out and a pair of blue denim jeans. I put the shirt and jeans on with haste then went downstairs to ask my mom why she asked Aaron to get me.
She was sitting on the couch watching some TV show with dad. I stood in the entryway to the living room. What did you need mom? I asked her. Hey honey, your awake and she walked over and gave me a hug. My dad looked toward me from were he was sitting. He smiled, I could sense he didn’t want to be up this early on a Saturday either. Wait just a second Riley let me go get your gifts. She smiled then left the room. I went over and sat over by dad. Happy birthday Riley. Thanks dad I said. We had a few minutes to talk before mom came back carrying two packages, one was slightly bigger than the other. Open this one first honey, its from me and your father. I tore the blue wrapping paper off leaving a white and orange box with a picture of a camera on it. Thanks mom and dad, I’ve always wanted a camera! I’m glad you like it Riley. Said my dad. Then my mom handed me the other gift which was the slightly bigger one. I opened it. Inside was a old wooden box. The box had a padlock on it that required a key. I looked around me but no key was in sight. I shrug. Oh well I thought to myself. Even with out the key. It had beautiful carvings of flowers and animals carved onto the box. That box is from Grandma Lee Riley. My mom said as I admired the box. Mom, dad thanks you for the nice camera! I said as I stood up. I’m going to take these things back up to my room. Okay honey ill fix a nice breakfast for your birthday.
I got to my room I set my camera on my desk. I took the box with the lock over to my bed. Out of curiosity I turned the box over. On the bottom was a key and a note, they were taped there. I took the tape off read the note.
Dear Riley,

If you are reading this letter, you have found the key. The key goes to that old box you got. don’t let that key leave your sight, it could be the worst think you could do.

Love Grandma Lee
P.S. Happy Birthday
I picked the key up it was a silver color and had a silver chain connected to it. I put the key into the lock to unlock it. After unlocking the lock I put the silver chain with the key on it around my neck. Then removed the lock from the box. I slowly opened the box. A bright light shined from inside the box. I leaned over it then everything went black.

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seeminglymeaningless

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Points 22732

Reviews 377

Tue Jul 13, 2010 5:38 pm

seeminglymeaningless says... · Tue Jul 13, 2010 5:38 pm

Hi WolfPaws. First of all, I think your display picture is exactly the same as SylverDawn's, which is a bit eerie. Secondly, it's 3:22am here in Australia at the moment, so if my review is slightly incoherent, that's why

Repetition in green, if there is any, comments in red. Enjoy

wolfpaws wrote:
Riley, Riley wake up. Okay, first, really really really read some published work. Do you know how to use quotation marks? Or italics? Quotation marks are used to show when someone is talking. The first sentence should be, "Riley, Riley, wake up." Also, you need to place an enter/return ie a new line when someone new speaks. I'll do it for you from now on, but I won't be adding ""s as I can see that would take me the better half of an hour alone.

Ugh, why should I Aaron?

Because Riley its your thirteenth birthday. Where is the emotion? Who's speaking? Don't forget to break up speech by adding commas and actions.

I sat up in my warm bed. I struggled for a few seconds to keep my eyes open. I looked down at Aaron. His green eyes shined as he looked up at me. I looked around my room. It was dark except for the light that came through the linen curtains. I got up and separated the curtains so more light could shine in my dark room.

I've added a paragraph break here to make your story less blocky and give the reader's eyes some rest.The sun was low in the sky. I walked back over to my bed and sat on the edge. I yawned and looked over at the digital clock. The red numbers read eight o’clock.

Why did you wake me up so early Aaron? I questioned my younger brother.

Because its your thirteenth birthday Riley.

Come on now Aaron that cant be the only reason.

Well mommy told me to come get you Riley.

I yawned again. Were is mommy Aaron? . . . I'm sorry, but this all sounds terribly scripted. No one speaks like this. There's no emotion whatsoever.

She’s in the other room.

Okay Aaron thank you but now I need you to go out of my room.

Why?

Because.

Why?

Because I need to change into the cloths clothes I’m going to be wearing today, now out! He then left my room.

There's no need to indent your paragraphs this early in drafting.I closed my door and turned the light on. I walked over to my closet and got my favorite dark green shirt out and a pair of blue denim jeans. I put the shirt and jeans on with haste then went downstairs to ask my mom why she asked Aaron to get me.

She was sitting on the couch watching some TV show with dad. I stood in the entryway to the living room.

What did you need mom? I asked her.

Hey honey, your you're awake and she walked over and gave me a hug. My dad looked toward me from were he was sitting. He smiled, I could sense he didn’t want to be up this early on a Saturday either.

Wait just a second Riley let me go get your gifts. She smiled then left the room. I went over and sat over by dad.

Happy birthday Riley.

Thanks dad I said. We had a few minutes to talk before mom came back carrying two packages, one was slightly bigger than the other.

Open this one first honey, its from me and your father. I tore the blue wrapping paper off leaving a white and orange box with a picture of a camera on it.

Thanks mom and dad, I’ve always wanted a camera!

I’m glad you like it Riley. Said my dad. . . . this story is kinda terrible. . . Then my mom handed me the other gift which was the slightly bigger one. I opened it. Inside was a old wooden box. The box had a padlock on it that required a key. I looked around me but no key was in sight. I shrug. Oh well I thought to myself. Even with out the key. I think these two sentences were meant to be one. It had beautiful carvings of flowers and animals carved onto the box.

That box is from Grandma Lee Riley. My mom said as I admired the box.

Mom, dad thanks thank you for the nice camera! I said as I stood up. I’m going to take these things back up to my room.

Okay honey ill fix a nice breakfast for your birthday.

I got to my room I set my camera on my desk. I took the box with the lock over to my bed. Out of curiosity I turned the box over. On the bottom was a key and a note, they were taped there. I took the tape off read the note.

Dear Riley,

If you are reading this letter, you have found the key. The key goes to that old box you got. don’t Capitalisation. let that key leave your sight, it could be the worst think thing you could do.

Love Grandma Lee
P.S. Happy Birthday

I picked the key up it was a silver color and had a silver chain connected to it. I put the key into the lock to unlock it. After unlocking the lock I put the silver chain with the key on it around my neck. Then removed the lock from the box. I slowly opened the box. A bright light shined from inside the box. I leaned over it then everything went black.

Hmm, I'm not quite sure what to make of this story. It's not very interesting, and you obviously haven't got a good grasp of how to use quotation marks or when to create paragraph breaks. You need to do a bit of research regarding writing techniques, and you need to inject feeling and emotion into your work.

Your characters fell really flat, and what they were saying didn't sound natural at all. Also, your ending was very common, "and everything went black". Just gah.

Avoid repetition, which you did quite a bit.

PM me if you have any questions. You did a good job regarding spelling and you have a good idea of the English syntax, so that's a nice start.

-JaI

I have an approximate knowledge of many things.

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Evi

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Points 60568

Reviews 537

Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:42 pm

Evi says... · Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:42 pm

Hello Wolfpaws! Welcome to YWS.

Hopefully soon you'll feel comfortable enough with the site to offer some constructive criticism on other people's writings, yes?

So! Before anything else, as seemingly said, you need to work on your grammar. Really, the best and most effective way to get a grasp for how to correctly space and punctuate is to read. And I do suggest you do that. Next time you pick up a novel, note how dialogue is written. Every time a new person speaks, a new paragraph begins. There are also "quotation marks" around dialogue. Here's an article to help you with that a bit.

Now, as far as the actual storyline goes, I had a few problems with it. Firstly, beginning a story with a character waking up is clichéd and unoriginal. Surely there's another way to open a story! You want to hook a reader in with conflict-- maybe try starting with the box. Then you can fill in the background information as Riley examines the box (her brother, parents, the fact that it's her birthday, what she's wearing, etc). Nothing in the first or second paragraphs is important information, and only halfway through the third does something meaningful pop up. So start there! Start with the box.

Then, take it slowly. It seems too easy-- she gets a mysterious box from her grandmother (who's dead, maybe?). There's some conflict. She can't find the key. There's conflict too. But the problems fizzles out because the key is taped right under the box itself; too easy a solution! She didn't even "find" the key as Grandma's note implied-- it was just there when she turned the box over. So work on adding some drama and drawing out the scene.

Finally, cut the unimportant information, like when she puts on a green shirt and the camera is in blue wrapping paper. You want to describe the scene, but you only want to describe in a way that will enhance the surroundings, not sound like a grocery list.

Make sure her actions aren't monotonous, too; right now there's a lot of "she did this, she did that". All of your sentences are the same length. Add variety! Variety is awesome.

Oh, and I suggest ending on something other than "it all went black". Another clichéd idea.

I hope this was helpful! Keep writing-- I'm sure there's quite an adventure waiting for Riley in that box. PM me if you need anything!

~Evi

"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.

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..:Ced:..

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Points 1673

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Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:02 am

..:Ced:.. says... · Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:02 am

Hey Wolfpaws!

I think the other two comments pretty much cover what you need to work on. I just wanted to say though - at the beginning you said "Ive been working on this but its not that good. its only a small part of the story but i hope someone likes it." Don't say things like that. You have to believe in yourself as a writer, and although you still have areas you need to work on, everyone has to start somewhere. Just keep writing, that's the best way to improve! But you have to have faith in yourself. Best wishes!!

Dreams are whispers from the Soul

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CSheperd

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Points 1138

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Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:39 pm

CSheperd says... · Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:39 pm

I have to say I had a hard time finishing the story, it needs quite a few quotations and you should probably think about breaking dialogue off from the paragraphs. I have to say starting a story with the main character may be cliched but it's still an effective way to start a story. There wasn't enough story there though for me to actually get a good focus on the plot but I would like to read more of it. As for the descriptions, actions, and imagery... they could use some polishing, make the story you, not a list of actions, images, and dialogue. Get a feel for your story.

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Keitaron777

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Points 300

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Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:06 pm

Keitaron777 says... · Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:06 pm

Short but interesting, im very excited to read the rest. There is more right? right? If there isn't moerthan how am i supposedto find out what in hte box!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"History is written by those who have hung heroes."

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meggwriting

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Points 1540

Reviews 14

Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:12 pm

meggwriting says... · Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:12 pm

Riley, Riley wake up. >This is dialogue, it needs quotations. All dialogue does.
Different dialogue between different people need to become different paragraphs. Each time a new person speaks, make a new paragraph.
Ugh, why should I Aaron? > Quotations
Paragraph
Because Riley its your thirteenth birthday. >Quotations
Paragraph
I sat up in my warm bed. I struggled for a few seconds to keep my eyes open. I looked down at Aaron. His green eyes shined as he looked up at me. I looked around my room. The sentences are choppy and don't sound good when read, try reading the story out loud. It helps you hear these. You could combine some, or just lengthen them. And try not to begin so many sentences with 'I', this also disrupts the flow. It was dark except for the light that came through the linen curtains. I got up and separated the curtains so more light could shine in my dark room. The sun was low in the sky. I walked back over to my bed and sat on the edge. I yawned and looked over at the digital clock. The red numbers read eight o’clock.
Paragraph
Why did you wake me up so early Aaron? >Quotations I questioned my younger brother.
Paragraph
Because its your thirteenth birthday Riley. >Quotations
Paragraph
Come on now Aaron that can[color=#FF0000]'t be the only reason.>Quotations. And can't (don't won't, etc) should have a '[/color]

Well mommy told me to come get you Riley. >Quotations

I yawned again. Were(You are using the wrong word here, try "Where")is mommy Aaron? >Quotations
Paragraph
She’s in the other room. >Quotations
Paragraph
Okay Aaron thank you but now I need you to go out of my room. >Quotations
Paragraph
Why? >Quotations
Paragraph
Because. >Quotations
Paragraph
Why? >Quotations

Because I need to change into the cloth[color=#FF0000]es I’m going to be wearing today, now out! >Quotations[/color] He then left my room.

I closed my door and turned the light on. I walked over to my closet and got my favorite dark green shirt out and a pair of blue denim jeans. I put the shirt and jeans on with haste then went downstairs to ask my mom why she asked Aaron to get me.

She was sitting on the couch watching some TV show with dad. I stood in the entryway to the living room.

What did you need mom? I asked her.

Hey honey, you're awake and she walked over and gave me a hug. My dad looked toward me from were he was sitting. He smiled, I could sense he didn’t want to be up this early on a Saturday either.

Wait just a second Riley let me go get your gifts. She smiled then left the room. I went over and sat over by dad.

Happy birthday Riley.

Thanks dad (put some punctuation after dialogue, a comma would work here) I said. We had a few minutes to talk before mom came back carrying two packages, one was slightly bigger than the other.

Open this one first honey, its from me and your father. I tore the blue wrapping paper off leaving a white and orange box with a picture of a camera on it.

Thanks mom and dad, I’ve always wanted a camera!

I’m glad you like it Riley. said my dad. Then my mom handed me the other gift which was the slightly bigger one. I opened it. Inside was an old wooden box. The box had a padlock on it that required a key. I looked around me but no key was in sight. I shrug(Okay, present tense or past tense? This is present, the rest is past. Choose one.). Oh well I thought to myself. Even with out the key. It had beautiful carvings of flowers and animals carved onto the box.

That box is from Grandma Lee Riley. my mom said as I admired the box.

Mom, dad thanks you for the nice camera! I said as I stood up. I’m going to take these things back up to my room.

Okay honey ill fix a nice breakfast for your birthday.

I got to my room I set my camera on my desk. (You should either put As in front of the sentence or put and between room and I) I took the box with the lock over to my bed. Out of curiosity I turned the box over. On the bottom was a key and a note, they were taped there. I took the tape off read the note.

Dear Riley,

If you are reading this letter, you have found the key. The key goes to that old box you got. don’t let that key leave your sight, it could be the worst think you could do.

Love Grandma Lee

P.S. Happy Birthday

I picked the key up it was a silver color and had a silver chain connected to it. I put the key into the lock to unlock it. After unlocking the lock I put the silver chain with the key on it around my neck. Then removed the lock from the box. I slowly opened the box. A bright light shined from inside the box. I leaned over it then everything went black.

Okay, this was an okay story. It left a nice cliffhanger at the end, it makes me want to know what happened. I wasn't happy with the dialogue, or characters. Especially the main character (MC). He was boring. I didn't learn anything about him or the rest, except his age and a little of his brother's appearance. You need to give the character's personalities, flaws, qualities and things to give them substance, make them real. Right now they are just words on my screen. The MC really needs the personality, when reading a story, I want to know the character. I want to feel like the character's my best friend, so I will care what happens to him. He could have died in the story and I wouldn't have cared. Give him fears, likes, enemies, characteristics. Make me like him, make me want to care about him! Also, give me the character's appearances. Throughout the entire story I couldn't picture a thing. There wasn't enough description, the MC and the others were -again- just words on my screen.

The story also didn't give me a good first impression. The first words need to grab me and not let me go. I only continued reading it to review it. You need to make me want to read it, the first words have to draw me in. The first part of a story is the most important.

So, overall, this wasn't a bad story. You just need to read your reviews and go from there. If you make this into a novel, I'll probably read it. If you have any questions or want to discuss the review, pm me!

Everybody sing like it’s the last song you will ever sing,
(Tell me, tell me do you feel the pressure?)
Everybody live like it’s the last day you will ever see.
(Tell me, tell me do you feel the pressure?)
~Paramore (because I'm a parawhore)

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Shindig

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Points 3351

Reviews 31

Sun Aug 08, 2010 4:31 pm

Shindig says... · Sun Aug 08, 2010 4:31 pm

Well, it's an interesting scene for a short story, to revolve it around the main character as he is unwrapping gifts. However, the way you straightforwardly explained every unnecessary detail, without bothering to employ any literary devices, was a turn off for me and made the story seem a bit bland.

Also, you might want to avoid lumping everything into large paragraphs (as you did below) to allow the story flow better, and to make it less of a tiring read:

I sat up in my warm bed. I struggled for a few seconds to keep my eyes open. I looked down at Aaron. His green eyes shined as he looked up at me. I looked around my room. It was dark except for the light that came through the linen curtains. I got up and separated the curtains so more light could shine in my dark room. The sun was low in the sky. I walked back over to my bed and sat on the edge. I yawned and looked over at the digital clock. The red numbers read eight o’clock.

On that note, use quotation marks and start a new paragraph when a character speaks:

"Riley, Riley wake up!" Aaron shouted.

" Ugh, why should I?"

"Because, its your thirteenth birthday!"

Lastly, I think adding the idea of the mysterious box gave this otherwise uncompelling story an interesting twist. I don't believe this is complete; you can do alot more with it. It really isn't as bad as you seem to think it is, and I encourage you to keep writing.

~ Doug

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onceuponatim3xo

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Points 1807

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Wed Aug 25, 2010 5:29 am

onceuponatim3xo says... · Wed Aug 25, 2010 5:29 am

Hey! Welcome to YWS

This was interesting but you definitely need to get some punctuation in here....specifically quotation marks.

There is a lot of telling in your story as opposed to showing. When you read something, you want to be able to imagine that you are there with the characters - that you see, feel, and hear the things that they see, feel, and hear. Try to bring more descriptions into this by describing what their room looks like, the feeling of the blankets and how hard it is to wake up and open their eyes, the emotions of realizing that it's their birthday.

You have a great start but you need to just work on descriptions and also the flow of the sentences. You tend to have a lot of I's in there...like "I did this" "I did that". Often times you can get around using a "I" and in turn make your sentences flow much better. For example: "I painted a picture" *or* "The bristles of my paintbrush painted even strokes of blue across the canvas." ...that way you have both description and you aren't using "I".

It is better to travel well than to arrive.
-Buddha

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funkyreg101

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Points 1052

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Fri Aug 27, 2010 4:50 pm

funkyreg101 says... · Fri Aug 27, 2010 4:50 pm

Hmmm okay. So i could hardly get past the first paragraph. The gramatical errors are everywhere!!!!! Here we go...
I will make corrections in red.

wolfpaws wrote:Ive been working on this but its not that good. its only a small part of the story but i hope someone likes it.

Riley, Riley wake up. Ugh, why should I Aaron? Because Riley its your thirteenth birthday. Should be:
"Riley. Riley wake up!"
"Why should I?" I groaned.
"Because! It's your thirteenth birthday."[/color[color=#FF0000]]I sat up in my warm bed.I struggled for a few seconds to keep my eyes open. I looked down at Aaron. His green eyes shined as he looked up at me. I looked around my room. It was dark except for the light that came through the linen curtains. I VERY repetetive. got up and separated the curtains so more light could shine in my dark room. The sun was low in the sky. I walked back over to my bed and sat on the edge. I yawned and looked over at the digital clock. The red numbers read eight o’clock. I questioned my younger brother.Why did you wake me up so early Aaron? Because its your thirteenth birthday Riley. Come on now Aaron that cant be the only reason. Well mommy told me to come get you Riley. I yawned again. Were is mommy Aaron? She’s in the other room. Okay Aaron thank you but now I need you to go out of my room. Why? Because. Why? Because I need to change into the cloths I’m going to be wearing today, now out! He then left my room. Should be:
"Why did you wake me up so early, Aaron?"
"Becaue it's your thirteenth birthday, Riley."
"Come on now Aaron, that can't be the only reason."
"Well, mommy told me to come get you."
I yawned again, "Where is mommy, Aaron?"
"She's in the other room."
"Okay Aaron, thank-you, but I need you to get out of my room now."
"Why?"
"Because."
"Why"
"Because I need to get dressed! Now get out!" See? Better.
I closed my door and turned the light on. I walked over to my closet and got my favorite dark green shirt out and a pair of blue denim jeans. I put the shirt and jeans on with haste then went downstairs to ask my mom why she asked Aaron to get me.
She was sitting on the couch watching some TV show with dad. I stood in the entryway to the living room. What did you need mom? I asked her. Hey honey, your awake and she walked over and gave me a hug. My dad looked toward me from were he was sitting. He smiled, I could sense he didn’t want to be up this early on a Saturday either. Wait just a second Riley let me go get your gifts. She smiled then left the room. I went over and sat over by dad. Happy birthday Riley. Thanks dad I said. We had a few minutes to talk before mom came back carrying two packages, one was slightly bigger than the other. Open this one first honey, its from me and your father. I tore the blue wrapping paper off leaving a white and orange box with a picture of a camera on it. Thanks mom and dad, I’ve always wanted a camera! I’m glad you like it Riley. Said my dad. Then my mom handed me the other gift which was the slightly bigger one. I opened it. Inside was a old wooden box. The box had a padlock on it that required a key. I looked around me but no key was in sight. I shrug. Oh well I thought to myself. Even with out the key. It had beautiful carvings of flowers and animals carved onto the box. That box is from Grandma Lee Riley. My mom said as I admired the box. Mom, dad thanks you for the nice camera! I said as I stood up. I’m going to take these things back up to my room. Okay honey ill fix a nice breakfast for your birthday.
I got to my room I set my camera on my desk. I took the box with the lock over to my bed. Out of curiosity I turned the box over. On the bottom was a key and a note, they were taped there. I took the tape off read the note.
Dear Riley,

If you are reading this letter, you have found the key. The key goes to that old box you got. don’t let that key leave your sight, it could be the worst think you could do.

Love Grandma Lee
P.S. Happy Birthday
I picked the key up it was a silver color and had a silver chain connected to it. I put the key into the lock to unlock it. After unlocking the lock I put the silver chain with the key on it around my neck. Then removed the lock from the box. I slowly opened the box. A bright light shined from inside the box. I leaned over it then everything went black.

Okay. Well thats all I'm going to do. Sorry to cu it hort, but it's not very exciting. The dialogue seems realistic, but drags on too long. If someones talking, it needs to be in quotation marks and mot of the time, a new paragraph. It drags on and isn't very eye catching. Put more emotion, more voice, more quotaton marks, and less I's! Good luck!
R3G@N

One day your prince will come... Mine? He took a wrong left turn, got lost, and is too stubburn to ask for directions.

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SisterItaly

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Points 1882

Reviews 66

Fri Aug 27, 2010 9:57 pm

SisterItaly says... · Fri Aug 27, 2010 9:57 pm

Ok, it was nice and I liked it but... Oh great the but here we go again... joking! Now It's nice but you have a lot of mistakes my friend... quotation marks go around what people are saying, like this > "Riley, Riley wake up." and that would be more like "Riley. Riley, wake up!" Also, every time you switch who is talking, you go down a line.. like this >

"Riley. Riley, wake up!"
"Why should I?" I groaned...

Watch how many times you get repetitive...

Blah blah blah
Skip a line
Dear Riley,

If you are reading this letter, you have found the key. The key goes to that old box you got. don’t let that key leave your sight, it could be the worst think you could do.

Love Grandma Lee
P.S. Happy Birthday
Skip a line
Blah blah blah

- This bit should have been kept together and in italics.

I lost most of my review, but I'm positive everyone else covered what I didn't...

"Even in the end --even in death-- I can't hate you." - Neri Hereford's last words.

"The Gods demand blood, for they... do not bleed." Jaska.

The Book.

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