Dawn Of A Death

This was the first of the Misfortunate Happenings that I wrote. It seems with the others, I was a hit and miss. I think with this one I missed. Just so you know, the queen was supposed to be cursed, so that the sun was darkened while she was alive. She hated herself for this. Tell me what you think.

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As the crowd of people congregated together, a smooth, bone rattling voice broke through the noise of the people and from it, came a hush of silence.

The Queen stood tall on the balcony of the palace, and proclaimed to the people in her powerful voice, “Hear now, one and all! To you I bare my news. For the many years of your pain and suffering, I bring an end to it now. As I have no child to be the heir of my throne, or any living relatives that were not lost in the time of the plague, I say this to you all. Age has brought its force on me, and the curse has let darkness fall upon the land. The one who shall bring the end to my life shall bare the responsibility of the kingdom on their back and be the next to sit in my throne. The one who makes the light of sun break through the clouds of eternal darkness shall be the new King or Queen of Anastasia.”

From that day forth, all men and women who saw the Queen, attempted to murder her, to rid the cling of mist and clouds that hung in the sky of eternal darkness and to gain the throne to the kingdom.

Many attempts on her Majesty’s life were made. There was poisoned fruit placed in her meals. Some archers took shots from the opposite side of the palace. Some set traps in the castle, but were caught in them themselves. Some were even bold enough to attempt stabbing her, but all attempts failed.

* * *

It was many years later, all hope of killing the Queen had been extinguished. By this point in time, she was frail and weak. She was now of the age of ninety-four, but no matter how hard people tried, the curse on her life would not lift.

It was a calm and warm autumn day, but it was shadowed by the lack of sun. Some children were playing in the palace gardens, with a pig bladder ball, throwing it to each other as they laughed joyously.

Throwing it high in the sky was much fun for these young children. As a boy threw it up, it hit a thick branch of an apple tree. It rustled with the shake of the leaves and the children had found new fun. They took it as a game, one by one, and made the leaves rustle.

As one boy threw the ball, it went too high and hit the branch from the top. A hard bang to the branch came from the ball. An apple fell from further along the branch that hung over the Queen’s balcony, striking hard upon her fragile head. There came a loud thud.

As she took her final breath, the Queen fell over the side of the balcony. The clouds parted and the sun rose above the horizon for the first time in seventy-three years. With this, a new King was born. A little boy who knew nothing of what had happened.

As a quick note, I wouldn't start off by explaining what's going to happen. As it is, I can't judge how effective you were in making your point because I was told what the point would be beforehand. I haven't read any of your Misfortunate Happenings, though I've seen them around, but I'll give a quick review.

As the crowd of people congregated together, a smooth, bone rattling voice broke through the noise of the people and from it, came a hush of silence.

This is a tad confusing as an opening sentence. I'm not sure what the "it" is here. The voice? In which case, how can a hush of silence come from a voice? I understand what you're trying to say, but I don't think this is the best way for you to get it across. Consider rewording.

As I have no child to be the heir of my thrown throne, or any living relatives that were not lost in the time of the plague, I say this to you all.

all men and women who saw the Queen, attempted to murder her,

This seems a bit drastic. Murder's a strong word, and to say everyone is trying to do so is a bit much. Perhaps only the ones who want the kingdom for themselves would try it. When everyone's a murderer, the word loses its sting.

but all attempts failed.

In all the attempts you list, for only one of them do you give any kind of reasoning as to why they were unsuccessful. The Queen seems keen for her life to end in that speech, so the reasons all these attempts fail have got to be fate intervening. I'd mention the failures so we understand how difficult it's been.

It was many years later, all hope of killing the Queen had been extinguished.

Cut "it was" at the beginning.

She was now of the age of ninety-four, but no matter how hard people tried, the curse on her life would not lift.

There's nothing wrong with the sentence, but I think you should reword this just to clarify the curse that exists, because I'm not sure whether I would've known if it wasn't for your spoiler at the top. Something about her curse being life under darkness.

It rustled with the shake of the leaves and the children had found new fun.

The phrase "new fun" is fairly awkward. I'd rephrase it to something like "a new hobby" or "a new game", providing you don't repeat.

A hard bang to the branch came from the ball.

This is very awkward. To be honest, I'd just cut it.

I like your idea here and I don't have a problem with the length of it, but you don't make the most of the situation. The style is generally readable and appropriate, so it shouldn't be too difficult for you to work on the situation with the little boy at the end so it doesn't sound quite so awkward. It needs to flow as smoothly as possible.

Also, I didn't get the sense that the Queen hated herself for her curse. If anything, she's almost too strong, and not vulnerable enough, when she addresses her people in the first half. I never get the idea that she blames herself. The moment where she invites her own people to try and kill her should be almost poignant, because it's certainly very brave; she must be verging on self-loathing to reach that decision, though, and I never get that idea. I'd work on recreating her image when we first see her, so we don't establish her as a strong leader rather than one who's been plagued by this curse.

However, I love the idea of this series. You seem to know your own style well enough to understand where it's fallen flat and where it works, so I hope I just gave you a more specific idea.

- Jet.

Hey kingolions!

I am a keen reader of the Misfortunate Happenings Series and I do enjoy reading them. Like you stated in the beginning, some are hits and misses but I do believe that this is in fact a hit! I enjoyed it (better than future ones). I felt that it was very descriptive and their is clear evidence as to the use of a thesaurus which is always good to see. One or two spelling errors that need to be pointed out are discussed in Jetpack's review. One thing I don't like is this:

shall be the new King or Queen of Anastasia

Anastasia isn't a fitting name for a place/kingdom but a name for a person. I understand it is very difficult to construct a country/kingdom name but give it another go.

All I've got to say. Looking forward to future installments!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

Hi kingolions
I like the title, it caught my attention quickly.
I like the way that you started the story it gave a really good picture of what was happening.
I think that the way a little kid succeeds where adults have failed.
midnightread

After a long long time, I'm back to action! xD

I picked up a random short story and I started reading this one. Although I did not read the other “Misfortunate Happenings”, I think it is possible to review this one.

I think that the beginning was a bit confusing, maybe because of the same thing Jetpack referred before. However, I thought that the rest was pretty nice (only need a bit more work), and I found it particularly interesting the point where an innocent child, not even knowing what she had done nor what was going to happen, managed to accomplish what all the others couldn’t.

Good work indeed, but I would consider revising

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, wonderful ending! I loved reading it. This sounds like the prologue to a novel or something.

I kind of feel bad for the little boy....

Man, i gotta say i have yet to be dissapointed whenever i read any of your works. I liked the irony that as many able bodied people attempted to off the queen all it took was a child simply playing. I have to dissagree with anyone who said it was confusing because i thought you conveyed everything in the story rather well. Keep your shit golden man.