Papa

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The blazing sun shone down on the stranger making his skin look as if it was well done as a chicken golden after an hour in the oven. He staggered closer to the farm that rose from the heat waves.
“Are you alright?” I called to him. His eyes snapped up from the desolate cracked earth and it seemed like he was momentarily part of the wild untamed tundra. As he finally broke his eyes away from Maggie and me he took a step towards us...
“Water,” he rasped before crumpling onto the ground .
“Maggie go get Maw,” I ordered as I went to the water pump. My sister raced to the old rickety screen door her feet padded across the yard.
“Maw, Maw,” Maggie screamed in her a panicked voice.
“What is it child?” she asked. Maggie was so good at dramatizing thing, I smiled to myself before grappling with the old pump. When I finished I carried the bucket towards the barely conscious man.
“ My name is Emma,” I whispered as I put my arms around him to help him sit up then continued," Drink this." his dry lips barely opened to accept the water I offered. I watched his throat raw from the lack of water only made him cough.
"Don't talk," I instructed. He quieted until he drank another spoonful of water.
"I'm sorry," he rasped.
“Don't worry, Maw will take good care of you,” I assured him my country drawl coming out worse than normal making me blush. The corners of his mouth slightly stretched upward in a painful grin. He leaned over my arm and rid himself of the fluid he had just choked down. Maw rushed (well more like waddled) towards us telling me her hip was bothering her again.
“Help me get ‘im into the house.”
“I’ll get him, if you’ll get the door,” I offered as my arms went under his legs and carried him like a mother would a new born child, he was so light. Maw held the door open and I carefully made my way through the small doorway so as not to hit his head.
“Is he dead?” Maggie asked her brown eyes round as saucers. Maw snorted.
“Yes, that’s exactly why I brought ‘im into my house,” Maw retorted. Maggie bowed her head like she did every time she got admonished.
“Maw, did you take your medicine today?” I inquired knowing her ill temper was caused by the throbbing in her hip.
“I don’t have no more,” Maw snapped.
“Why didn’t you tell me, I would gladly have gotten you some more,” I whispered.
“We don’t have the money,” she admitted suddenly sounding tired.
“Maggie go make the bed in the guest room,” I suggested. The little blonde haired girl walked up the creaky oak stairs.
“What do you mean, we made a hundred dollars yesterday.” I reminded her.
“From what?” Maw questioned.
“From cleaning Mr. Bailey’s garage yesterday.”
“I’ll see, if I can find the money after we get him settled in,” I offered trying to keep the shaking of my voice. Maw smiled gratefully.
“Are you done yet?” Maw hollered.
“Almost,” Maggie called down to her. I heard a grunt from the man in my arms and realized I had tightened my grip on him so much that my fingers were biting into his arms and legs.
“Sorry,” I whispered so only he could hear.
“Go on and take him up,” Maw ordered as she went back to slaving over the black stove. I moved but numbness had replaced the anger. When I entered the room right before Maggie finished pulling the blanket down.
Papa peeked his head in the doorway then raised his eyebrow when he saw the stranger.
“He was stumbling up to the farm when he collapsed and now here we are,” I explained.
“Oh,” Papa replied
“Maggie you better get on down stairs and get some cool water and a rag for Emma,” Papa suggested. Maggie’s lips drooped to form a pout, but did as he said.
“Now tell me why you and your sister aren’t getting along,” Papa ordered.
“It’s nothing,” I offered.
His leathery skinned finger lifted my chin...
“You can’t fool me,” he said with a smile. I grinned knowing he was right.
“Yesterday Maggie and I earned one hundred dollars for cleaning out Mr. Bailey’s garage and I told Maggie to give Maw the money, she told me she did...” I dropped off unable to speak around the lump that formed in my throat.
“You can’t help what that girl does, she may have the rest of the world fooled but you, God and I know and that’s all that matters,” Papa offered before wrapping me in a warm hug that made me feel a little less alone in the world.
“I know papa, but it feels like the whole world wears a blind fold and only sees what it wants to,” I explained.
“That it does, but the world has trouble blinding those who want to see,” Papa said sagaciously. I grinned. Maggie returned with the rag and water.
“Thank you,” I mumbled. Papa nodded and left the two of us alone to work out our differences.
“Go get that money while I tend to him,” I ordered with a jerk of my head towards the sleeping man that I was standing beside. Maggie sighed wistfully.
“I know you can’t understand why I steal, but unlike you I can’t be content staying here,” Maggie offered trying to make me understand.
“And I will get you outta this place, but you gotta stop this one day you’re going to steal from the wrong person and you’re going to get hurt,” I warned
There was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it,” I offered when we had pulled the blankets up around our guest.

“Hello,” I said quizzically when I saw an unfamiliar face at the door. He had shoulder-length brown hair that he had pulled back into a ponytail.
“Ah, sorry to bother you miss, but I was wondering if you had seen a guy that looks a lot like me same build and same hair color with green eyes,” the boy offered perfectly describing the boy upstairs.
“No, I’m sorry,” I answered unsure why I lied for someone I didn’t know. He smiled gently and pulled out a cell phone...
“Let me get a piece of paper.”
“543-266-3465.”
“Okay, well if I see him I’ll be sure to call you.”
“You can call anytime,” he responded looking me up and down.
"Now I know why I lied," I pondered.
Last edited by L5na2 on Fri Jul 23, 2010 7:59 pm, edited 5 times in total.




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The beginning incident and the dialect you wrote with drew me in in the beginning. However, it quickly let me down.

1) Get rid of unnecessary words and phrases that are filler/go nowhere/are already obvious/make no sense. For example:

blazing sun shone down on the stranger like it was his protector

Obviously the sun isn't his protector since we quickly realize he's delirious with thirst.
the farm that rose from the heat waves that we all knew created mirages.

The mention of mirages is completely useless, as there is never a mirage in the story.
crumpling onto the ground from exhaustion.

I think we realize he's exhausted without you having to tell us.
I smiled to myself secretly

"Secretly" is quite unnecessary.
I carried the bucket with ease

"with ease" is also unnecessary. Especially since she was just grappling with the water pump. So what is she? Strong and skilled or young and fumbling?
I felt so bad for him.

Show us, don't tell us. It's about as useless as saying to your best friend when a loved one dies, "I feel bad" without crying a tear.
<“I probably sound so stupid,” I thought to myself.>

Useless comment, unless it plays a part in the story. Say, if she purposely makes herself sound smarter.
After a moment of simultaneous breathing

What does "simultaneous breathing" even mean?
I inquired, when she didn’t look at me or bother to answer me I was sure she hadn’t. I sighed.

"I inquired. When she didn't look at me..." Two sentences. "I sighed" standing alone there looks pretty useless.
I scolded the older woman.

"the older woman" is pretty silly sounding. We know she's older. I know you're making a point that a young kid is scolding her, but you could at least make it not sound like a "well duh" sentence.
The little blonde haired angel walked

I know you're setting us up to have our world rocked when we find out she's not an angel, but thus far, we have no belief she's an angel, anyway. The reader only thinks she's a little girl who's a bit of a twit.
“What do you mean, we made a hundred dollars yesterday.” I said not understanding what was going on.

"not understanding what was going on" is probably the king of useless phrases here. We already understand she's confused because she said, "What do you mean?"
Papa replied seemingly unaware of the fight Maggie and I were having.

We find out that he knows in the next line. No need to put on a charade.

...I think you get the idea from here. I'll stop with point 1 there.

2) You lost your dialect (in both speech and narration) about halfway through (probably a little before when Maggie and Emma are "arguing" (this argument lasts 2 lines)). Then Papa abruptly brings back the dialect in full force.

3) Which brings me to my next point. There is no conflict (aside from a 2 line argument). None. The stranger is totally useless as a plot event. We know nothing about the family other than that they are on a farm and a hundred dollars is a big deal for them (as it is anybody). So we can't sympathize with anybody's motives. Why does Maggie want to leave? And how old is she if she isn't a little girl? Because I was under the impression she was pretty darn young until she was planning on escaping home with 100 bucks.

4) And why is it called Papa? Papa is a pretty inconsequential character.

5)
Emma suggested

Whoops, you forgot that you were the narrator.

6) Don't be afraid to use "he said" "she said." It starts to sound like a competition or a circus act when you use consecutively:

I said, Maw explained, I offered, Maw hollered, Maggie called, I whispered, Maw ordered, I demanded, Maggie said through her teeth (you were so close!), I growled, Maggie hissed, I pointed out, Maggie replied, I explained, Papa replied, Papa suggested, Papa ordered, I offered, Papa replied, Papa offerred, I explained, Papa said sagaciously (kill that "sagaciously" now), I mumbled, I ordered, I asked, Maggie grumbled, I warned, Maggie offered, (AND THEN:) I said. Finally.
In fact, I imagine you use "offered" more often than "said."

I don't know. You started with something decent, but then spiraled off into the boring by not having properly defined characters, a conflict that anybody can care about or lasts longer than a paragraph, and ending it with a journal entry that summarized everything we'd just read.

So take a step back. Think about what story you want to tell. Cut out the nonsense. Write straightforward and show us the action or develop the thoughts.




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Thank you it helps a lot.




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Well, you made some cosmetic changes, which is good. But there still exist the problems:

1) Conflict isn't compelling. It's brief and settled by:
"Give me the money."
"What?"
"Give me the money."
"I took it because of this reason."
"That's a bad reason to steal."
"Okay, I'll give you the money."

2) I still don't know why it's called Papa. He doesn't seem important to me.

3) The stranger is still very unimportant. I don't see the point of him either.

4) Why do you end it with a journal entry that summarizes the story and offers no other illustration?

5) You still use "offered" 7 times and "said" 3 times. Really. It's okay to use "said." And you might also consider not using narration to spice it up. Once you establish a rhythm of the dialogue, the reader can follow it without narration for at least a few lines. For example, something like this:

“Where is it?” I demanded.
“I don’t know what you’re talkin about,” Maggie said.
“Don’t you lie to me."
“Unlike you I don’t want to live here forever," she hissed.
“You aren’t going to get anywhere in the world by stealing from yer own grandmother."
“Fine I’ll give the money back.”

That version essentially cuts out 50 unnecessary words and you still get the same information. I daresay it's more compelling because it focuses on the dialogue. It becomes strictly about what one person is saying to the other and not about the little things that might be going on in the background of a movie.
Y'know, in the movie script, it doesn't say background actions and movements like, "He put his hands on his hips. She touched her chin. He leaned on the table," unless it's actually important for the action. You would only say those phrases if you're illustrating:
He put his hands on his hips. He's disappointed and tired.
She touched her chin. It's a sentimental gesture.
He leaned on the table. He's being intimidating.
Get it? If it's inconsequential, don't include it. If it doesn't express the character, the motive, or necessary actions, it's probably taking away from the strength of your story because you're distracting the reader.

Please PM me or ask questions here or whatever if you want. I can see that you're taking it seriously and you're trying, but I think you're getting bogged down by the exact image you have in your head. Understand that readers can and will generate images on their own.



Bring something incomprehensible into the world!
— Gilles Deleuze