Searching

In time and space,
I saw your face.
In a burning fire,
I saw my desire.
Trapped in the ice,
Nothing could suffice.
Bound in a cage,
I found all of my rage.
In the heavens above,
Will I find your love?
And in the end,
Will I find my best friend?

FireandIce326 wrote:In time and space,
I saw your face.
In a burning fire,
I saw my desire.
Trapped in the ice,
I find all that is nice. Too...juvenile here. Like you couldn't find a rhyming word for "ice". Totally ruins the poem
Bound in a cage,
I found all of my rage.
In the heavens above,
Will I find your love?
And in the end,
Will I find my best friend?

This was okay. The rhyming scheme, to me, seems juvenile. It's so...overused and reminds me of Dr. Seuss for some reason. The poem has great potential, but the rhyming just doesn't seem to work here. The beat is set, though.

Lavvi

Okay. All of this was good EXCEPT the word "nice." It almost made me groan. It just doesn't fit, and mars the serious tone. Surely you can think of some other rhyme that would sound...well...nicer. (The word is inescapable!!!!) lol. But this was quite good. I like the paradoxical imagery: fire and ice, cages and heaven. Rather a good little poem on the whole.

Thank you, prehaps if i chaged it to...

Trapped in the ice,
Nothing could sufice.

would that be better?

Hai, there!

FireandIce326 wrote:In time and space,
I saw your face.
In a burning fire,
I saw my desire.
Trapped in the ice,
Nothing could sufice. This is spelled wrong, dear. It should be "suffice."
Bound in a cage,
I found all of my rage.
In the heavens above,
Will I find your love?
And in the end,
Will I find my best friend?

This poem is full of one of the most juvenile rhyme schemes I have ever read, though I've been reading a lot of these type of rhyme schemes lately. It's not that it's a bad way to rhyme, it just sounds sort of forced, and the words don't have as much meaning if you push them in there just so they will rhyme. If you catch my wave, xD, try and write a poem without worrying about the rhyme scheme, only focusing on emotion and description. What you've got here is just a jumble of words; it doesn't make me feel anything for you, not at all. I need descriptions and depth, and it's your job to provide these.
Hope this helps. PM me with further comments.
xx Mizz