The Air, The Sky, To End (Edited)

I wrote this poem in French, and this is the literal translation. I think it sounds pretty good in english, but just in case, I have also posted the Original Version (French), under "spoiler". None of it is supposed to rhyme (except in the French version), though parts do in the translation which is not intended.

My friend, so close,
In air...
Tell of a vision,
Me, I'll be right there.

You're sweet like honey,
The sky...
What a trick we play,
It will end our peace.

Say goodbye my sweet,
To end...
The tears pour down,
For you, for this place.

Spoiler

L'air, l'ciel, finir

Mon ami très cher,
Dans l'air...
Propose une vision,
Moi, je serais une liaison.

T'es comme le miel, sucré,
Le ciel...
Tel de truc que l'on fait,
Ca va finir notre paix.

Dis salut, mon cher,
Finir...
Mes pleurs de mes yeux,
Pour toi, pour cet lieu.

Phoenix lands for a review.

In air...

I don't think the ellipses are needed the formation of putting the two words alone make the break.

Tell of a vision,
Me, I'll be right there.

Sweet like honey,
The sky...
What a trick we play,
Finishing our peace.

This stanza seems a bit off for some reason. I guess the translation in English messes up the flow because this stanza is a bit broken. Each line seems too separated.

Say goodbye my sweet,
To end...
The tears pour down,
For you, for this place.

This is my favorite stanza. It flows better then the others.


I wish I could read French a little better because I think it wound sound better that way. Overall I like it. It has nice imagery and a the narrator of the piece sounds strong. So good job.

Sorry if I didn't help much

Phoenix flies away

Hey Lav.

Starting with the French:
First. Please, please do not turn "le" in "l'" when it is not warranted, like with "ciel" or "miel". It looks, pardon the bluntness, plain stupid. "L'air" works because it starts with a vowel. Neither "ciel" or "miel" do, so leave "le" as it should be.

Mon ami très cher,
Dans l'air...
Proposer une vision,
Moi, je serais un liaison.

The first two lines make little sense. "Proposer" at the infinitive at the third line is wrong; "propose" would be more appropriate, as you're adressing him. "Liaison" is a feminine word, so "un" should be "une".

Sucré comme l'miel,
L'ciel...
Tel de truc q'l'on fait,
Et finirons la paix.

The first two lines are a bit pointless. There's no point to them. The last two make no sense. If I'm referring to your translation, then it should have gone something like "Quel tour nous jouons,/ finissant notre paix", and even then it sounds terribly awkward. Again, you're shortening things way too much. "q'l'on" reads horrible. "Que l'on" is just fine, and looks a lot more serious.

Dire salut, mon cher,
Finir...
L'eau qui sort de mes yeux,
Pour toi, pour cette lieux.

Again with the infinitive. "Dire" should be "Dis", at the imperative. "Finir" is a bit awkward, because it's hard to determine whether you're directly adressing you friend (in which case it would have to be "finis") or to keep it at the infinitive, as a (very awkward-sounding) trailing off to the phrase. "L'eau qui sort de mes yeux" is pure word inflation. "Mes pleurs" works just as well. "Lieu" is singular, and masculine.

For the English: my earlier comments on the pointlessness of the first two lines of the stanzas still holds. There's little substance, and the story you're telling is pretty bland. Try adding more details, more elements that would make it worth reading.

What a trick we play,
Finishing our peace.

The flow here is especially lacking, as well as the meaning.

That said. It was brave of you to give French a try, and I think you've got ideas that could make for great poems with some work. Keep at it!

Hope this helps.

This poem is really cool! It's loving yet sad and enjoyable at the same time. Some things I noticed were:

My friend, so close,
In air... These dots here(and the other dots) are good.
Tell of a vision,
Me, I'll be right there.

You're sweet like honey, Try a period.
The sky...
What a trick we play, Semicolin? Or period...
It will end our peace.

Say goodbye my sweet,
To end...
The tears pour down, Get rid of comma here.
For you, for this place.

That's all I really have for you. I think you did a splendid job on this--very nice. It was very simple yet I can tell that you put a lot of thought into it. Well writ! Keep of the fabulous work!