Love?

Gender

Points 974

Reviews 53

Mon Jul 12, 2010 4:50 am

BrooklynWriter says... · Mon Jul 12, 2010 4:50 am

It's the first day of school.
A new building,
new hopes.
I walk the hallways.
Alone in a sea of children.
I follow a crowd of familiar faces,
and wind up in the right hallway.
I rip my eyes from the floor.
Then it all fades away.
Everything,
the lights,
the people,
and the noise,
just fade away.
It's only me and another.
A boy.
A boy I have known,
known and barely talk to for two years.
Two years and still unsure,
unsure of myfeelings for him,
and if he felt anything for me.
I often ask myself,
does he see me?
Does he reallyknow me?
Does he even care?
Sometimes I wish I knew.
Others I feel it's better I don't.
But most of all,
I do
and always will until I do,
if I'll ever have the courage,
to talk to the boy.
The boy I wonder about for hours into the night.
The boy I can't get over.
The boy that I may,
I just might,
love?

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talentedangel22

Gender

Points 300

Reviews 0

Mon Jul 12, 2010 5:35 am

talentedangel22 says... · Mon Jul 12, 2010 5:35 am

I felt those words. I could visualize the setting and connect with the feelings associated with this poem.

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Kiicoh

Gender

Points 1789

Reviews 52

Mon Jul 12, 2010 7:52 am

Kiicoh says... · Mon Jul 12, 2010 7:52 am

I thought this was really cool! I enjoyed reading. I could easily visualize the setting and the surroundings. This reminded me of the way people often feel about their first crush. The dreaming over them, and the constant question of "do they even know I exist". This poem brings a nice warm-fuzzy middle-school-first-love feel to it, and I felt I could connect.

"It was Cinco de Mayo
Pillow case on his head
No more breathing time
An ambulance sped
It sped round every corner
Calling out his name."
"Lemonade"- Cocorosie

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FireandIce326

Gender

Points 2979

Reviews 51

Wed Jul 14, 2010 10:04 pm

FireandIce326 says... · Wed Jul 14, 2010 10:04 pm

I deffinatly like this. I agree with the others that I could imagine the picture. I also like the formating and how it is centered, something differant I don't see to much anymore. Very well done

Fear me once, shame on you.
Fear me twice, *wakes up* haha you don't fear me =)

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iheartbooks

Gender

Points 314

Reviews 63

Wed Jul 14, 2010 11:41 pm

iheartbooks says... · Wed Jul 14, 2010 11:41 pm

It's a good poem, nicely described. I feel like I was in the hallway, like I could see everything going on. But I don't know if it's just me, but it's kind of cliche. I don't go to a big school, like 50 to a grade, so I wouldn't know the "does he know I exist" feeling. But it does feel like you here the theme quite often.

Now my suggestions are in purple.

It's the first day of school.
A new building,
new hopes.
I walk the hallways. (I would change that to a comma, it just seems to make more sense, but I'm not the best at this stuff, I would always double check it.)
Alone in a sea of children.
I follow a crowd of familiar faces,
and wind up in the right hallway.
I rip my eyes from the floor.
Then it all fades away.
Everything,
the lights,
the people,
and the noise,
just fade away.
It's only me and another.
A boy.
A boy I have known,
known and barely talk to for two years.
Two years and still unsure,
unsure of myfeelings for him,
and if he felt anything for me.
I often ask myself,
does he see me?
Does he reallyknow me?
Does he even care?
Sometimes I wish I knew.
Others I feel it's better I don't.
But most of all,
I do (puncuation!)
and always will until I do, (do what? If I'm missing something... Just a bit confusing right now...)
if I'll ever have the courage, (Capital I at the start, I think. All of the others are, same with the line beneath it.)
to talk to the boy.
The boy I wonder about for hours into the night.
The boy I can't get over.
The boy that I may,
I just might, (I would change the lines so that they either both say 'may' or 'might')
love?

I do like the poem, and I'm not saying that you should change anything. Yeah, just my opinions...

Any questions, PM me!
-iheartbooks♥

"As the hungry are deprived of food, I am deprived of sympathy for those who deprive me of my sanity." ~Anonymous

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writeitalldown

Gender

Points 1320

Reviews 37

Thu Apr 21, 2011 4:07 pm

writeitalldown says... · Thu Apr 21, 2011 4:07 pm

"It's the first day of school. A new building,new hopes. I walk the hallways. Alone in a sea of children.I follow a crowd of familiar faces, and wind up in the right hallway. I rip my eyes from the floor.Then it all fades away. Everything,the lights,the people,and the noise,just fade away."

This first part of the poem was amazing, I especially liked the dramatic imagery in the line "I rip my eyes from the floor"

But then you began to go into your feelings, you did a great job, This part you go on more like an arguement though with yourself, which is okay, but should be more dramatic, so it matches with your beginning. Just my opinion. Good-Job!----DaRiEN

"You can't find another me, but I can find a million yous."

"My shadow followed when you walked away and ever since that day my life has never been the same"

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mellophone7

Gender

Points 1617

Reviews 112

Thu Apr 21, 2011 4:30 pm

mellophone7 says... · Thu Apr 21, 2011 4:30 pm

I love this poem. It really touched me, and I know exactly how the person feels.
Just one thing, I noticed a few places where two words got squished together.

myfeelings

reallyknow

Amazing work!!

"The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean." -Robert Louis Stevenson
"Write or die trying."
JA hatar pisanje.

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