The Un-fun feeling.

Once there was a time when she dressed to impress.
But someone had to dislike her dress.
And now she is a mess, too shocked to know what to dress.
And my guess is that she was wearing the best,
better than the rest.

Oh, fair flow, that her fingers went through.
It couldn't explain the pain and the disdain.
And her sunny smile discovered a rainy frown.
( No more white crown).
She expected to find her soul mate there.

It was much for her heart to anticipate.
When it happened she felt as if her heart got kicked
out her rib cages. And her fate was to lay in pain, on her bedroom floor,
not leaving the door. Still dressed in the dress that represents her current life situation.

Oh, fair flow, that her fingers went through.
It couldn't explain the pain and the disdain.
And her sunny smile discovered a rainy frown.
( No more white crown).

She expected to find her soul mate there.

The shock was a matter of a disease.
And she couldn't catch a breeze.
The "Haries" have only been rumored by the fairies, that these days eat too many berries.
The person she gave her heart to, had the size of a cherry.
And that's why she's on the floor and not merry.

Okay, no offense, but that was really confusing to me. She was really beautiful, but got sick? Got hurt? People made fun of her?

What was the "fair flow" her fingers went through? Was that her hair?

Haries? what are haries?

I like the idea, but it is a little unclear as to the message you are trying to get across. I liked it, though, it had a really good rythm to it!

Hey!

Okay, the first time I scanned through this, I wasn't all that impressed, if I'm being honest. The rhyme seemed far too forced, and I was struggling for something positive to say. Then I tried reading it out loud - and I was pleasantly surprised. The rhythm worked well, and I quite enjoyed the sensation of reciting the words.

It took me a while to really enjoy this, though, and for most poetic readers you want to make an immediate positive impression. Therefore, there are a few things I think you ought to change.

First of all, the opening. I like the sort of superficial start, but you could sort of make a point of your character's emptiness - don't actually use the word "superficial", but insinuations could be developed, if that's the angle you're taking. If not, then it needs to be more obvious that you're taking her side in the matter. Representation is the most powerful tool of a writer - it can change the way people think.

Your rhyming is very forced, and takes the poem in directions it doesn't seem to want to go. Sometimes the only way to let a poem go somewhere is to scrap rhyming altogether, and use freeform. Now, in this case I'd actually recommend that you keep the rhyme, because it fits with the character's idea of suiting everyone's idealistic views, sort of. But there are ways to work around that, make it sort of make more sense, like only the words at the ends of lines should rhyme, or something to that effect. As the poem goes on, you could try and loosen the rhyme a bit; kind of symbolic of what your character's losing.

Sometimes, it seemed like you were making things up, a bit. "Haries", for example. I could just be being dense, but that doesn't ring any bells for me, and I can't really relate to what you're talking about. The last stanza should be the most effective on the reader, but you've lost me there. And the allusions to fruit don't really make much sense to me.

Beyond that, though, I was intrigued by this. I really want to understand better the story you're trying to tell me here, and you've done well by creating such an interesting character. I think I should tell you that at first, I thought this was about pregnancy. Probably because we've studied a lot of Rossetti lately in English Lit, but you might want to think about developing that theme.

Well, I hope I helped, and that I wasn't too harsh. If there's anything more I can do to help, please drop me a PM and I'll be glad to give you a hand.
~Grin

The story is about a girl who is stood up by her date and another girl who disliked her threw fruit punch on her dress.
She goes home sad and she finds out from her parents that her date (who was terminally ill) is dead.
After that every thing goes into a downward spiral, she doesn't take care of herself she just lays on the floor,
waiting to die. And I termed this condition the"Haries" because she does-not comb her hair or take care of herself...

Okay, I can see how that story would fit the poem, but if you want your readers to really understand it, it needs to be made a little clearer. A writer shouldn't have to explain outside of the literary work, if that makes sense. I hope that helps!