Making it all ALONE- Chapter Two

To read Chapter One!
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=66704

So there I sat explaining to my boyfriend's parents how my mom kicked me out.
"She can sleep in my room, I'll sleep on the couch," added my amazing always-there-for-me-when-I-need-him boyfriend.
B.J.'s parents stepped away and whispered.
"B.J., come here" B.J.'s mom called him in the dining room.
I was sitting on the couch. Looking at the art and nick knacks in B.J.'s house was entertaining.
His dad was an anesthesiologists, so of course B.J. was spoiled and rich.
Most importantly B.J. had a good heart. He was never a bully. What was he doing with a girl like me? My mom worked as a secretary at an attorney office. It was okay money but not good like his parents.
There was a lot B.J. didn't know about me.
My mom is on meth.
My brother's in jail for gun possession, my dad's in jail for drug dealing.
My brother used to be my best friend. I hated my dad for dealing. I feel like he started all this drama in my life. Then my brother felt like he had to step up and become the man. Everything was great until...
"Hey, beautiful! They're going to let you stay," B.J. stated interrupting my day dream thoughts.
"Really?!"
"Yes, I understand your situation. We trust you and B.J. not to do, well, you know." Mrs. Gonzalez answered for B.J. with a smile.
I'd always admired her beauty and understanding. B.J.'s mom had always liked me.
"Thanks so so much! And don't worry we promise not to do anything bad!" I shrieked excitedly.
"Do you want to go get anything from your house? B.J. can take you, after he puts a shirt on," B.j.'s dad chuckled.
"Yeah I need to get some more of my stuff,"
B.J. started walking towards the door.
"Uhh, B.J. do you wanna put a shirt on first?" I chuckled.
We all laughed.
"Oh, yeah!" He exclaimed
He ran up stairs to get a shirt.

We were 3 blocks away from my house when B.J. broke the silence.
"So, you think your mom will be home?"
"Maybe, Maybe Not. I don't really know and I don't really care," I answered.
Why was I being such a complete BITCH to B.J. I don't know. Maybe I was scared to see my mom. Would we argue? Fight? I don't want him seeing that.
We pulled into my driveway.
Before B.J. could even attempt to come open my door, I got out.
We both walked slowly to my front door, not saying a single word.
I touched the door knob, hesitated, and opened it quickly.
We both walked in together leaving the front door open.
The house smelled just like meth. She must have used a bulb.
There she was, sitting on the couch watching, "One Tree Hill" re-runs.
That's when I knew this was going to end badly, very very badly.

Hello there and welcome to YWS!

This was okay. I think that the way you put forward your story was a bit unrealistic; meaning your statements were not very convincing, everything all down to the moving in part. Work hard on your storytelling because that's the big contributor the this situation. Also, try to expand your ideas a bit more. Explain the feelings of your characters a bit more, the situation.

His dad was an anesthesiologists, so of course B.J. was spoiled and rich.

Keep writing, your writing has a lot of potential.

I really think the story has potential. I think you may need to work on using a tad more details and really help us realize your character's situation. Really try to put yourself in her shoes and explain everything like you were actually there and you are her. It sounds good so far just be sure to check your grammer before you post. I like it so far!

Happy Writing,
jDawn

ziggiefred wrote:Hello there and welcome to YWS!

This was okay. I think that the way you put forward your story was a bit unrealistic; meaning your statements were not very convincing, everything all down to the moving in part. Work hard on your storytelling because that's the big contributor the this situation. Also, try to expand your ideas a bit more. Explain the feelings of your characters a bit more, the situation.

His dad was an anesthesiologists, so of course B.J. was spoiled and rich.

Keep writing, your writing has a lot of potential.

Okay, thanks for helping! I appreciate it and your bringing alot of my mistakes to the surface which will help when I edit.
=)

-Libby<3

LibbyLovesDrums-
Again, a good chapter I cannot wait to read more about Victoria. I love how you leave the audience wondering!
Keep writing!
~ Taylor (TRH Writes)

Chaper3 coming soon.

Hey LibbyLovesDrums!
You asked for a review, so here I am!

There's potential in your writings, but you need more to it. Your sentences are simple and short, try combining a few or putting some complex sentences in there. Simple sentences can make writing sound choppy and broken if overused.

I'm a huge person on detail and making characters relate to the readers. Unfortunately, I don't feel sympathy for your MC. Her situation is very tragic, but theres no descriptive emotions for me to connect with. Did the MC's heart drop when she saw her mom on the couch? Was she embarrassed to have her boyfriend walk in her house and smell meth? How did she feel when B.J.'s parents were conversing with B.J. in the dinning room? etc. Emotion makes the difference!

Feel free to PM with any questions!
-SodapopLunchbox

Hey Libby. I am here again to review.

I used to have a good life until,

Instead of a comma, you should be putting ellipsis(...)

Before B.J. could even attempt to come open my door, I got out.

"Maybe, maybe Not. I don't really know and I don't really care," I answered.

"Do you want to go get anything from your house? B.J. can take you, after he puts a shirt on," B.j.'s dad

You forgot to complete the dialog.

When I had to do this overall review, I was very confused, mainly because I didn't exactly get where your writing goes wrong and how exactly you can improve it. I thought about it whole time in my school, too but I couldn't come up with what exactly to say to you. There's something missing on here, but I don't understand exactly what. Well, I am going to tell what I really think the problem lies in.

There's no grammar problem as such in your writing for the very reason that you use plain simple sentences here, which even a kindergarten child of an English speaking country can write flawlessly. The main thing which I think I have mentioned even before is that your story lacks descriptions and emotions, and I just can't get to feel Victoria's character. I know she is from a troubled family, with her mother a drug addict, father in jail, and blah blah... But really, I cannot find anything to interest me in your language.

Other thing which is quite uncomfortable is the length of your chapter. When I say a good length, it doesn't necessarily mean that you write big, boring chapters like Twilight Saga has which completely drains the readers. But at-least there should be a good length, to make it look like a chapter.

Your chapter ends with almost only dialogs and I crave to get some action, or something descriptive. The ways by which you can improve this is by writing the chapters slowly and not rushing to complete them, and secondly writing more and more. That's a good way to about writing better, though there are many more. I am not a very big Twilight fan, but I really admire the writing technique Stephenie has adopted and I heart her writing abilities. Of course we cannot expect the same thing from everyone and it would be wrong to do so. But at least you can make your character a bit more solid. As Soda said, I would like to feel sympathy with the MC if I am reading a book.

I don't know if you do it intentionally but I think you try to avoid using the word 'said' after a dialog. It's a good thing to replace ti with other words, and you do a good job with it, but I just feel that sometimes it just seems too forced. A simple 'said' off and on won't hurt somebody.

Do read as much books as you can and also surf YWS for plenty of great articles to improve your writing skills. They have helped me a lot, and be sure to ask for reviews from Skins and Lava. They prvide some great inputs as to how improve your story.

I am just having a Reviewer;s Block and didn't want to keep you hanging for so long, so just came. Sorry if I provided a rather hopeless review.

Also, I know that you're not even a month old at YWS, but try to review other people's pieces in a bit of detail(other than saying that I liked it, it has potential and all). Reviewing not only helps the other person but also improves your writing skills and correcting- your- piece- on- you-r own- skills.

~Shubhi