The tale of Searbreon(need a noble and dark title any ideas?

This prologue is somewhat blah compared to some of my others so it will be edited massively, but I still welcome ideas. Hopefully once my muse hits I'll be able to lure you all into the story with the later version of the prologue. Thanks for the edits! Have fun reading!

Prologue: Searbreon, Eye of the Brute

Born into this world on an isolated island under the glow of a blue moon, son of a farmer. His home was on the lush island of Dremeria. As the years passed, he grew up as the infestation of outlaws, pirates, and smugglers also did. For years his family lived in peace with the scum that inhabited nearby.

However, a group of outlaws thought they could bully Searbreon’s family into giving them the entire crop from the harvest, and when his parents declined, they were murdered. Searbreon, who was in the stable, heard his mother’s screams and grabbed the wood chopping axe and rushed into the house. No one knows exactly how he did it, but he slaughtered twelve lifetime outlaws without getting one scratch. Thus, his road to vengeance and darkness began.

Hey there Stu!

I'm Tanya, here for a review!

Born into this world on an isolated island under the glow of a blue moon, son of a farmer.

This sentence needs to be changed, perhaps to: Born the son of a farmer, on an isolated island, under the glow of a blue moon. Otherwise, it sounds like the blue moon is the son of the farmer....Not your point, I assume?

For years his family lived in peace with the scum that inhabited nearby.

Comma between years and his

Okay, that's done now I'm going to be blunt. Your prologue was rather blah. The reviewers here at YWS have a hard time accepting prologue's unless they are really necessary and really well done. If not, they should be murdered. Now ask yourself, do you really need a prologue? Because, really, it tells us nothing. You had the opportunity to tell us how the MC (main character) felt when he heard his mother's screams from the barn. Did he freeze in place? Did a cold sweat trickle down his back? Did he hesitate before grabbing the axe?

It just gives us an info dump and tells us what happened. It didn't show us. I highly suggest you kill this baby and intergrate it later on in the story. It would make for a formidable scene when Searbreon describes what he heard/felt/saw/touched etc....

Hope this was helpful because it was an intriguing start to your story.
Tanya

I agree entirely with the above reviewer, but thought I'd comment just in case you needed a second opinion. All of this information has been dumped on us without ado. Working this scene in later on would be the best solution, probably in the form of dialogue rather than a flashback, but if you must use a prologue, describe the deaths of the outlaws.

You mention that you want to hook readers. That's nothing that can't be achieved in Chapter 1, and as we get no real sense of character or foreshadowing here, your prologue doesn't leave a lasting impression. The other purpose of the prologue is to give necessary background information, without which the story wouldn't make sense. It's background information that can't be inserted anywhere else. I don't think this prologue falls into that category, either, because the background information would be a strong scene later on. Making your character mysterious is probably a better hook than the prologue in the first place.

As for titles, it's quite difficult to suggest any without knowing the full story, but I think if you need a working title, go with "Searbreon" on its own. It's short, rather than the mammoth one you have at the moment. Something simple like "Revenge" or "Brute" would work fine, too. I know they're awful titles and you're obviously not going to use them for the real novel, but they're generic enough to pique some interest. Personally, I find "The Tale of..." off-putting because it sounds too regal.

Anyway, hope to see you continue with this. Searbreon sounds like a good character, which is even more of a reason to introduce him to us with a bit more emphasis.

- Jet.

Hey, thanks for the comments. I'm posting chapter 1 now so take a look.