Revenant

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He didn't know what to make of it at first.
The crickets slipped. It was nearly sunset, and the sun on the neighbor's strangled clutch of poppies made them look like squeezed tubes of paint – soon to be used in daubing the clouds, inflaming the sky, scrimlighting the horizon.
He thought it may have been from the airport a mile north. But it left no jetstream. There was no supersonic pop, no roar dragged behind it – it didn't even have wings, as far as he could tell. It stopped directly above his house. He could hear the ratchet of sprinklers, and the color from the grass fading like old southern crimes, until it shucked beneath your feet in August.
The trailer park was silent. Ignacio realized what he was looking at. Somehow, he wasn't surprised. These things happened in California.
The UFO hovered. From his perspective, it was about the size of a dime.
From the southeast and the northeast, two identical vessels flew toward the first, and stopped, in perfect equilateral symmetry. He dropped the hose he was using to water their little garden.
Maria, he called. The back door was open. He could hear the sump pump through the screendoor. There was a radio playing.

*

It was still hot. They left the windows open as they got ready for bed. The crickets continued their transmission; the nightfrogs croaked from under porches, beneath next-door above-ground swimming pools. Their calls dusty, leaving rings in the dark, like jars removed from pantry shelves. He was already in bed. And sweating. They had the thinnest sheet. He couldn't sleep without some kind of covering. However menial, there was a degree of comfort and safety in a bedsheet. Like a touch in the dark. Something to keep the small hours away. He knew he or Maria would kick it off in the middle of the night. Invariably, he would wake, pull it back over them, damp with sweat.
She crawled into bed beside him after putting the baby in the crib at the foot of the bed. Quietly, as if he were asleep. But he wasn't. He was staring at the ceiling which was water damaged, swelling and discolored.
He couldn't get them out of his head.
What they implied.
He was used to the idea that they were alone in the universe – the way someone stranded on an island gets used to the idea of living the remaining thirty years of their life in solitude. And then realizing that all along there had been someone in a hut not fifty yards away. How had they moved in separate, unbisecting orbits, like sunless planets?
All the romance gone. Now, complications. The expectation to socialize. Jealousy. A kind of hurt.
But he was amazed, too. And grateful – he had now joined the ranks of paranormal pariahs, insisting, intractable. A holy tabloid order. It made him feel a little patriotic.
Maria.
Yeah.
Do you think they'll be back tomorrow?
I think that they're not what you think they are.
Aliens.
Yeah.
How do you explain them?
Military, government, a couple of kids in a park playing with remote controls.
Kids.
These things happen.
It wasn't kids. And it didn't move like something military.
And you would know.
Sure, he said.
Well, when the aliens come back with Jesus Christ, I give you my blessing to board their spaceship and live among the stars.
Blasphemer.
Where'd you put my lightning rod?
They laid in silence for the next ten minutes. Little noises, whirrs, hums from the kitchen, the laundry room. He could almost hear the baby breathing. A sound small and reverent, like a prayer by candlelight. He realized that the older one gets, the louder they breathe. Maybe because, subconsciously, there lies a more desperate need to assert oneself in the quiet jostling of the night, the slow creak of a revolving galaxy. An old man will snore. He is letting his wife, the people on his block know that he is still alive. It will get louder each year. As if there is some widening canyon across which it is necessary to shout. To be heard. Adding decibels with decades.
I am still here.
Maria was slipping into sleep.
Maria, he said.
What.
What are we going to name him?
I don't know. Do we have to talk about it now?
It's bad luck, you know.
What is?
For a child to go unnamed for so long.
You are as superstitious as my mother, Ignacio.
He looked back up at the ceiling. Folded his hands across his chest. A pair of headlights from the road slid across the wall. The cars sounding so sad passing in the dark.

*

The front left wheel was squeaking on the shopping cart. He pushed it through the parking lot, over a speed bump. The automatic doors folded back. He felt nervous – having tripped a switch, cut off a beam of light, reflected a signal.
He needed milk, cheese, and tomatoes. They always needed tomatoes. They never bought enough tomatoes. He walked through the vegetable and fruit aisle – the bruised and spotted peaches in leprosarium, bright bell peppers, the coconuts rutted and ancient-hulled, like Galapagos tortoises. He came to the tomatoes. Filled them in a plastic bag. Used a twist-tie to secure the bag. When he weighed it in the produce scale, there was a good feeling in the way the bag of tomatoes pulled at the needle, sagged the dish – heavy and proud as family secrets. Ignacio felt good buying these weighed tomatoes, eighty-eight cents a pound. Pesticide free. That was good, too.
Two women were talking by the cantaloupe – middle-aged, wide-hipped.
One said, Best veggie patty I've ever had. With real cheddar cheese. None of this squirt-on stuff that they give you at Arby's. For like, 2.99. You really can't find a better deal.
Wouldn't be able to eat it anyway.
Don't worry about carbs. Just order minus the bun. They'll wrap it in a shell of lettuce. Holds things together really nice actually.
Progress, progress, progress, said the other.
They laughed. Moved on. Carts rattling and filled.
Ignacio put the tomatoes in his shopping cart, which he felt was emptier with the addition. He wanted to walk around the store with a full cart, and a scroll of a shopping list dangling behind him like a kite-tail.
Instead, he smelled the cantaloupe for ripeness. Pressed it with his fingertips.

*

There were commercials on the radio. He turned it down at the intersection. Car with a stiff-legged shift, gears that ground like teeth in the night. Ignacio's hands were dirty. They smelled of pesticides and pear skin, and the windshield of his car was dusty and difficult to see through. His airconditioning didn't work, and so he had the window rolled down and he could feel the heat from the asphalt radiating, like heat from the close skin of a shared bed.
It was about that time again. He looked up. Scanned the sky for flying silver discs. It had been a couple weeks, but he watched the sky every day promptly at the beginning of sundown. He hadn't talked to anyone about his sighting. Who do you talk to about things like this? People nod, smile. Maybe you're pulling their leg. Maybe you've been in the sun a bit too long.
It was a deeply religious experience – not being able to tell anyone about something special for fear of being thought lunatic, and persecuted.
He kind of liked it.
The sky revealed nothing.
He wondered what their purpose in coming had been.
Cows, human dissection, agricultural samples. The usual, he imagined.
And it was always in a group of three, wasn't it? These sorts of things were always manifested in the shape of a triangle, the geometry of all things unknowable. Ignacio knew. These things happened.
It was just a matter of finding someone to talk to. Where was the statistic at times like these? Where were the registries? The support groups. For everyone, Ignacio knew, there was a commiserator. Someone to talk to. This was something he relied on.
Behind him, a honked horn. The light was green. His car jerked ahead and he figured it was about time to fix the clutch. But that was pretty expensive.

*

Ignacio looked at the sky with a beer in his hand.
The sprinklers throttled next door.
I am still here, he thought.
His wife's flowers bobbed like the underbird of a mating pair. There was a freeway not too far from the trailer park. He liked to listen to the sound of the cars on the overpass. It didn't make him feel so solitary, or grounded. It was a comfort to know that someone was going somewhere. That not everything had stopped for everyone after 1983. He liked listening to it at night, especially. To know that he wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep.
There was a whippoorwill looping calls like dropped stitches. He tried to ignore the throb in his back from working at the reter and co. pear orchard all day long.
When he wondered if they would ever come back, Maria let the screendoor close behind her. It shut with a bony rattle. She stood beside him. Looked up.
Doesn't your neck hurt?
Nothing new.
What would you do if they came back?
He thought about it. I don't know. Probably ask you to come out and see.
This isn't healthy.
It's like watching the sunset. It relaxes me.
She rubbed her arms. It wasn't cold.
She said, It makes me nervous. Like you know something we all don't. Waiting for the end of the world on this porchstep. And so casually, drinking a beer. That won't end up well for any of us.
Now look who's superstitious.
It's just a little strange. They were stars.
In the daytime. Moving like that.
Yes.
I wonder what they wanted.
You're right. He needs a name. I've decided on one.
What.
Mateo Gray. Like the soap opera. Don't you like the sound of it. It sounds very sexy.
He swirled the beer in the can. Looked back up. These things happened, he supposed.
Ignacio said he'd think about it. His wife went back inside. He couldn't hear the crickets, which he thought was strange, and was conscious of his own sounds.
His feet in the grass, the thump of his heart in his ears, his loud breathing.
He shaded his eyes with his hand, and kept looking.
Last edited by Kylan on Mon Jul 12, 2010 3:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Hi Kylan,
First, let me say It is so difficult to extract any critique from a work as well written as this. Every word plays its role, contributes to what is an amazing display of literary mastery. I read it once, then again, then again and still I can't find an area that was wanting. I can only say your style of prose, for my taste, is too poetic, too loaded, too charged with metaphors - But, like I said this is a matter of taste. One other thing is at times the dialogue was a little confusing(due to the absence of quotation marks), most noticably I was distracted by this particularly sticky piece:

Best veggie patty I've ever had, one was saying. With real cheddar cheese. None of this squirt-on stuff that they give you at Arby's. For like, 2.99. You really can't find a better deal.
Wouldn't be able to eat it anyway.
Don't worry about carbs. Just order minus the bun. They'll wrap it in a shell of lettuce. Holds things together really nice actually.
Progress, progress, progress.
They laughed. Moved on. Carts rattling and filled.


I found this a little confusing, it may just be the fact you placed "progress, progress, progress." on a new line I wasn't sure if it was internal thought or external dialogue. After a couple of times reading it over I settled on the later, I figured it was one of the wide hipped women's remark?

Anyway this entire piece was absolutely pro and a pleasure to read. Well done.
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Hi Kylan -

I wondered when I would get to review a fiction piece of yours. I don't think I have, so far - although I have read pieces. Revenant reminded me that it is still possible to write about the semi-real, semi-fantastical/sci-fi without being shallow. Actually, I think that were I to read any kind of scifi or fantasy, it would be told in this style - amusing, bewildering, thought-provoking. And despite the parallels with your poetry, there were refreshing differences as well, such as the dialogue, the continual tongue-in-cheek humour, the remarkable attempt at clarity and coherency.

What is interesting about this piece is that a reader cannot go into it knowing what to expect and walk out of it feeling entirely comfortable, either. There are unexpected turns to this story - beyond the sighting of the supposed UFO itself, there is the conversation with Ignacio's wife, the meanderings of an average man's mind as to future possibilities, the surprising naming of their child (whom we never see, incidentally). It made it almost seem like non-fiction that way, but at the end, I still thought they were perfectly acceptable questions to ask in that manner. And that was even more so for the little quirks you gave him that made him all the more human while thinking. It's good to see this had a deeper level to it as well - on the upper layer, it explores the consequences of the UFO, both short and long term for the individual (Ignacio) and society. On the inner layer, the humour in this and the wife's evident skepticism suggest the extent of human disillusionment and relative obsession with the abstract, the impossible.

But even then, you played it light. It's not apparent unless one thinks about it. Yes. That's what intrigues me here. Revenant becomes tighter the more one dwells on it. It comes together at the end, so to speak. It shifts in our perception of it as we look at it more - rather fitting, given the topic. And you know what? It comes across as sweetly told, almost. Okay, so maybe not sweetly told, but at least, the view of Ignacio we have at the end is rather fond. In that sense, I'd almost say we view the story through Maria's eyes - this is probably how she sees him. Rather bizarre, this effect.

There's one part that stands out to me as being distinctly unecessary. The section about him grocery shopping, that is. Quite frankly, I do not see what it adds to the bigger picture, if anything (if it does, then I have missed it). Anything vaguely even relevant comes in the last three lines - seems like he's going a little mad - but even then, I think we knew this all along. And while I love that description of tomatoes that you dedicate an entire paragraph to (not to mention the hilarious conversation between the two women), I really don't see what it is doing there. Save it for another time, or weave it into the main story more tightly. I could stretch my perception here and say that this gives him a more 'earthly' quality - something as simple as buying tomatoes and sniffing canteloupe, but yeah, that'd be a stretch. He's quite well-grounded enough as it is, thank you.

In retrospect, something that added another flavour to this was the naming of the child. At first thought, it seemed just some random casual conversation thrown in for characterisation and detail. And that's fine, were it to happen only once. But when it was repeated, right at the end, I wondered if it was going to serve any greater purpose than acting as the wife's way of distracting him from his obsession. And on second thought, these lines stood out to me:

It's bad luck, you know.

What is?

For a child to go unnamed for so long.

You are as superstitious as my mother, Ignacio.


This was a beautifully subtle hint at Spanish culture, and superstitions. In fact, I could almost say that that last line there explains Ignacio's behaviour rather well during the whole story. The way he dwells on it. The way he can't get it out of his head.

I didn't have a major issue with the descriptiveness of this, the characteristic Kylanisms that I am getting more and more used to seeing. That said, I still found myself slur-reading them. I confess - I sort of didn't care; the main attraction for me was the plot and characters themselves, not the extra padding around them that makes it comfy, poetic. And the compound words? Yep, good fun, and rather meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps the only thing I noticed were the crickets; I think you repeat them, yes? Hence making them some kind of symbol/motif? A motif of what, might I ask? Of earthliness? Reality? (Especially considering he cannot hear them at the end.) Whatever it was, I thought it could have been more cleverly done. Perhaps even a tighter motif could have been chosen in the first place. Crickets. Meh. Seemed rather convenient-sounding to me.

Oh, and while we're on the topic of imagery:

He didn't know what to make of it at first.

The crickets slipped. It was nearly sunset, and the sun on the neighbor's strangled clutch of poppies made them look like squeezed tubes of paint – soon to be used in daubing the clouds, inflaming the sky, scrimlighting the horizon.

He thought it may have been from the airport a mile north. But it left no jetstream. There was no supersonic pop, no roar dragged behind it – it didn't even have wings, as far as he could tell. It stopped directly above his house. He could hear the ratchet of sprinklers, and the color from the grass fading like old southern crimes, until it shucked beneath your feet in August.

The trailer park was silent. Ignacio realized what he was looking at. Somehow, he wasn't surprised. These things happened in California.

The UFO hovered. From his perspective, it was about the size of a dime.


Ha. The first bolded line is the hook. The last is the fish. And the pretty window-dressing in the middle? That's a rather terribly disguised striptease till we get to the main point.

Actually, I'd say that much of the description in this is like that. A sort of a break between the faster-moving parts of plot. But I think the plot would work at a fine pace without them - it's wonderfully contemplative right now as it is; not slow, not fast, either. The imagery clogs it up rather unecessarily. Personally, I think maybe I lacked the patience for it.

Well, except for the rather redundant part about the tomatoes, that is. :D

In short? Thoughtfully written, reasonably carefully planned. Could do with some additional crafting, weaving, scraping off. But yes, I enjoyed it enough to get a review in at 11pm. There goes my early-night-early-morning habit. :P

Thanks


Navita




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Thank you so much for your comments both of you!

One thing that you both pointed out was the grocery store scene. I thought maybe I'd explain my thinking here.

Spoiler
The story itself is a grab-bag of themes and symbols for me. Mainly this was a commentary on society, particularly American society. The UFO served to actualize Ignacio's need for distraction. Something that could counter-act the redundancy of his everyday life. The sprinklers. The crickets. His wife wants to name their baby after a soap opera character. We are all seeking distractions, or events that set us apart, make us special, different in the universe. The grocery store scene (read: the conversation between the two women) was meant to further throw the triviality of much of everyday existence into light. The women are talking about fast food.

I chose specifically to use a Hispanic couple in order to give the story a heightened degree of contrast. Ignacio is a character who doesn't know better. He is supposed to be second-generation, maybe even first. He assumes, "these things happen." Seeing a UFO is an American past-time. Having your baby named after a soap opera character is something that Americans do. Americans have full shopping carts. They feel cantaloupe for ripeness and talk about Arby's. It is also a story about cultural assimilation. The redundancy that comes with sameness. How we often expect the sameness, and even welcome it.


In any case, I'd like to know if the grocery store scene is still irrelevant, or if you got something completely different from the story. I also edited out a few similes/metaphors.

Thanks!

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Well, hello there, and look, a critique in the same day I promise it. I think I'm getting better.

In passing, I've discussed some aspect or another of this poem with my sisters , and for no reason I can find they didn't appreciate it much. I'm not sure why, but probably because your reliance on style generates a product for a selective audience? I'm not sure. Personally, I fell in love with this story, because it was short but full -- not only of a concise tale (with the fill-in-the-blanks part that I love in your writing), but full of lively imagery without much flowery parts or deadwood. I love this piece, and I won't hesitate to say that in my meager opinion, it's one of your best pieces in a long time.

Or then again, I haven't been reading much of your stuff, but the fact that I'm reading it brings out that old fangirl in me, I think?

Anyway, I find no purpose in nitpicking at a story that I found enjoyable en masse, when the style worked excellently in accordance with your choice of words. I especially loved the clever uniqueness of images such as "the crickets slipped" that you use. They make me smile inside.

Further more, I receive a sense of displacement from the main character, Ignacio, in parts where he seems isolated from his current state. Namely, when he spots the UFO, and the scene in the grocery store, I get a sense of longing for belonging from this character, as if he is so displaced that his actions are marionetted by something that is as alien to him as the UFO he sighted.

Another thing I enjoyed was Maria's character. She's subtly spoken, but I enjoy how there is almost a sense of fear about her motives in inquiring about what Ignacio sees. Almost as if she's displaced as well, though much less than he, and she's pining for a sense of security she had before. I don't know, it's just seeming like that, but I could've gone off on a far too random tangent? :P

Nonetheless, Kylan, I need to read more of your things. They make me happy, and your vignettes never let me down. I want to keep all of your writing in a book to keep amongst the books I reread often.

Well done, keep it up,

June


Edit - I just read your spoiler, and now my review seems a bit off kilter, haha. Nonetheless, I think I came close? :P
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Righto. It's good to see how thorough you were in planning this, Kylan.

The UFO served to actualize Ignacio's need for distraction. Something that could counter-act the redundancy of his everyday life. The sprinklers. The crickets. His wife wants to name their baby after a soap opera character. We are all seeking distractions, or events that set us apart, make us special, different in the universe. The grocery store scene (read: the conversation between the two women) was meant to further throw the triviality of much of everyday existence into light. The women are talking about fast food.


Okay. Need for distraction. Something that can counteract the redundancy of everyday life. A better distraction than all other distractions. An extraordinary distraction, as opposed to an ordinary distraction, which is what one might say the crickets, sprinklers, fast food etc are. I think I see what you are intending.

But I don't see it reflected well in the story itself. Firstly, the so-called 'other distractions' (ie. everything else except for the UFO) - the ordinary distractions don't really come across as 'distractions.' There's nothing that says that they take his mind off something...and that may be because you don't actually say what that something is. Perhaps it is the triviality of life. Perhaps you meant that the extraordinariness of the UFO is the only distraction in the piece - the rest is all redundacies, all ordinary things that are the 'something' he needs to take his mind away from. Well, I'm not seeing that. Biggest reason for that is the language - the very way in which you can make the ordinary seem extraordinary with the way you use it means that it...doesn't seem so ordinary any more. Do you see what I am saying? That the UFO sort of becomes 'less extraordinary' because you naturally write so as to make every little triviality count, seem extraordinary. So this 'distraction from all distractions'...I don't really see it in the piece. I am not even sure if it possible to highlight the difference between the ordinary and the extraordinary distractions without making it seem like you're giving the former greater importance.

The very fact that the crickets etc are repeated immediately gives them some significance. I guess what I am saying is that to make the ordinary, the trivial things seem ordinary and trivial, you've got to get that feeling across to us. We hear about the crickets, but we don't really feel any kind of niggling annoyance at their mundaneness. We hear about sprinklers but they are just there - they invoke no sense of 'yes, this is possibly the most boring thing ever.' The soap opera name is told interestingly enough for it not to seem futile, useless. The fast food conversation is likewise so entertaining that it seems as much a distraction, as much an extraordinary distraction as the UFO's are. Ha. I could say that you need to make all this less interesting, but that's the weirdest piece of advice ever. How does one get across a sense of the trivial, the boring, the redundant, the mundane, the everyday so that it is at least readable (hence mildly entertaining/interesting) while still retaining that essence of mundaness? I have no idea.

Maybe think about setting up the contrasts in a more parallel manner. Mention one and make it seem significant (emotionally - i.e. extraordinarily interesting) while mentioning the other in conjunction. Think about this.

And also, on that note, I see Ignacio's obsession with the UFO's. I see his thoughts revolve around them. However, I do not see the need for this. You say he has a 'need for distraction.' You show him wonderfully distracted, but not needily distracted. It seems like it was something inevitable, rather than something he actually needed and got. This links in with what I said above - the ordinary is not so well contrasted/juxtaposed with the extraordinary as it is. Hence, I don't see what 'ordinariness' he 'needs' to get away from.

I chose specifically to use a Hispanic couple in order to give the story a heightened degree of contrast. Ignacio is a character who doesn't know better. He is supposed to be second-generation, maybe even first. He assumes, "these things happen." Seeing a UFO is an American past-time. Having your baby named after a soap opera character is something that Americans do. Americans have full shopping carts. They feel cantaloupe for ripeness and talk about Arby's. It is also a story about cultural assimilation. The redundancy that comes with sameness. How we often expect the sameness, and even welcome it.


Gotta say, I really do love what you are wanting to do. Culture = sameness = need for difference = need for distraction = obsession with UFO's. That's a great theme-train right there.

Again, the thing about the 'redundancy that comes with sameness' - what redundancy? If there is one, it's not expressed well-enough, since even the things that are meant to seem redundant sound interesting. I will admit that this may be because I am not wholly familiar with the American culture; however, I still feel that even for someone who is familiar, the little characteristics would most likely give this 'feel-good/comfortable' sort of feeling more so than outright uselessness.

So, just have a think about this. The themes are great; they just need some reworking in the story itself. How you say it needs to mesh better with what you're wanting to say.

But. I still enjoyed this. :D




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Wonderful insight, Navita. Just wanted to add a disclaimer about my theme explanation for future readers: any and all other interpretations are welcome. That's what's so great about vignettes, and also why I put the explanation in a spoiler.

Again, many thanks!

Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Hi Kylan,

You already know I think this is well-written. It's well-paced and has top description, as always. My first understanding of the story was that Ignacio really wanted to believe in something, away from the humdrum existence. I read your spoiler and realised it was about distractions, so not too far away. Despite this, it hasn't sat perfectly with me for the few days I've let it sink in.

But I think what's been bugging me most about it is the lack of conflict. It's just, well, a bit boring. The first scene -- with the UFO appearing -- was without tension. Ignacio appears hardly bothered when he thinks "These things happen in California." It's aliens! Flying over his house! And he accepts the same way he accepts the crickets, the sprinklers, the women buying fast food. There's no real contrast in the narrative between Ignacio's reaction to the ostensibly humdrum things he is bored by, and the fantastical. He just sits in his chair and watches. I think you couild have done more with this.

There's no real, obvious conflict that grabs me and says, this needs to be resolved. Even the thing about the baby's name doesn't really go places; Maria just gives in and names him. I think it should be longer, and that Ignacio needs to properly engage with the UFO, go a bit more crazy, a bit more paranoid. Maybe just exaggerate it all a bit. I want him to react -- not sit in his chair and drink a beer.
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Hey Kylan!

Long time, no read, eh?

This was extremely well-written, as always.

And I have to disagree with Firestarter. There is conflict, just not the kind that is visible.

When reading, I got the feeling that Ignacio was the type of man always looking for something extraordinary in an ordinary world. He keeps searching for this UFO, even though his wife thinks it was something else, and that he should just leave it alone.

There different views on life, is what makes this story jump off of the screen. It makes you think, because if you don't read between the lines, of course, you're not going to get anything from the story, except a tale about a couple with a nameless baby, where the husband is intent on finding a UFO.

That, UFO, to me symbolizes the opportunities, the different pieces of life that Ignacio wants, but he can't find it.

He wants something more than what he has, and if he has to believe that a supposed star was the ship of an alien life-form, then so be it.

I agree with Navita, though.

The dialogue in the beginning between Ignacio and Maria flowed, and it showed us the way their relationship worked, without being obvious.

I would like to see a little bit more of that at the end.

I mean, Mateo Gray? She wants to name the poor child that?

Yeah, Ignacio definitely should have reacted.
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