Untitled-Prologue

Written for jasminebells"Write as much as you can in ten days" contest. It's an old idea that's been bouncing around in my head for a while now. I just decided to write it out, which is what I've been doing since I got my laptop. I'm almost finished with the next part so it'll be up whenever....hopefully soon. Anyways, here it is. Enjoy.

Prologue: Found.

No birds sang and no animals made a sound as a young woman made her way through the forest just before dusk. She held the hand of a small child, looking back to make sure the girl was keeping up.

“Come along, Anabelle,” the woman whispered to the girl and lifted her up a steep set of stone stairs.

“But Momma,” the girl, Anabelle, cried weakly. “I’m tired.”

“I know, baby,” the woman said and followed the girl up the stairs. “Come.”

The woman urged Anabelle on. She stopped when she stumbled up a shallow slope and reached a small clearing. Sunlight turned the grass a gold colour while the bark on the trees glowed red.

“Stay here,” the woman whispered and placed a hand on her daughter’s forehead, then she turned away and stumbled back down the shallow slope. She was hiding the wound from her daughter, a cut that was draining the life out of her. It was only a small cut, a knife wound on her stomach, but the little girl, Anabelle, didn’t know that. And Anabelle’s mother didn’t want her to know it either.

Back at the edge of the clearing, Anabelle watched her mother disappear into the forest and then started crying. She cried for hours, until the sun sank down behind the horizon and the moon slowly rose up into the star filled sky.

Moonlight bathed the clearing in a silver glow and young Anabelle slept, unaware of the three strangers who now stood over her. A woman and two men, they were watching her in surprise.

“It’s a human child,” whispered the woman to her companions.

“Hush, Alessa,” one of the men said and crouched down beside the child. “What is a human child doing here?” he mused, reaching down to brush the girl’s long, dark brown hair out of her face.

“Let’s eat her,” suggested the other man. “I smell blood.”

The first man, crouched beside the girl, growled. “Adrian,” he warned and the one called Adrian winced.

“He’s right, Dorian,” Alessa said, brushing her long, blonde hair back. “About the blood—I smell blood too.”

Dorian frowned, leaning in closer to the girl. “She smells like she’s bleeding,” he murmured, gesturing to the girl. “But she’s not. Adrian, go check the forest—I do not think the child was alone.”

The man called Adrian nodded and vanished into the trees, leaving Alessa and Dorian with the girl. Anabelle stirred, opening her eyes to peer up at the man leaning over her.

“Hello,” Dorian said, smiling slightly at the girl. “I’m Dorian, what’s your name?”

“Anabelle,” she said and sat up. Dorian brushed her hair out of her face again and picked her up. Anabelle didn’t protest.

“How old are you, Anabelle?” he asked, looking past her and into the trees. Adrian was back, and he was carrying a body. It was a young woman, her face hidden by her hood. Adrian shook his head—she was dead then.

“Five,” Anabelle replied, holding up all the fingers on one hand.

Dorian chuckled. “Five? So young, aren’t you. How did you end up here?”

Anabelle looked from Dorian to Alessa and frowned. Alessa smiled at Anabelle then turned to watch as Adrian placed the woman’s body on the ground in the shadows at the edge of the clearing. He stood and joined Alessa, staring at Anabelle.

“Momma brought me here,” she whispered. “Then she left and didn’t come back. She kept saying that the bad man couldn’t get me if we were so close to the big house...”

Bad man? Dorian shot Alessa a frown and turned back to Anabelle. “What bad man?” he asked and turned to walk away from Adrian and the body. Alessa followed Dorian from the clearing.

“She could be useful,” Alessa whispered in a tone too low for the girl to hear. Dorian just nodded and listened to Anabelle’s story, while back in the clearing, Adrian was getting rid of the woman’s body.

“Anabelle, would you like to come live with us?” Dorian asked, ignoring the sounds of moving dirt that only he and Alessa could hear. Anabelle stared at him and then she smiled.

“Oh, yes please,” she whispered making Alessa and Dorian laugh.

While they walked and Dorian listened to Anabelle’s stories, it began to rain. Light and irregular at first and then it suddenly came down in a torrent of big, fat drops of water, washing the remaining blood off of Anabelle’s forehead.

“We’ll need a nanny,” Alessa murmured, smiling at Anabelle. Dorian nodded absently in silent agreement. They reached a house and paused, gazing up at the large, four story building. “Among other things,” Alessa said with a sigh.

“I know,” he whispered. Dorian seemed almost sad with the knowledge that the girl was essentially an orphan and would never see her parents again. She was to be raised amongst vampires, and they were not always as friendly as the first seemed.

Alessa turned to Dorian and took Anabelle from him. “She’ll be happy,” she whispered, “for a little while, at least.” Dorian gave Alessa a bemused smile, watching as Anabelle smiled up at the blonde-haired vampire.

“Come,” Dorian murmured, meeting Alessa’s gaze. “Let’s get out of this rain.”

Dorian took Anabelle in and raised her as his own, in a house full of vampires that preferred the taste of human blood to that of an animal. Dorian vowed that Anabelle would be tough, that she would know right from wrong and which vampires among them to trust and those whom she should stay away from-the ones who would like nothing better than for her to come one step too close so they could drain the life out of her.

Somehow Dorian knew what he was doing. That he had saved her life and that no vampire under his roof would take her life from him-or her. Anabelle would be his human daughter, and since Dorian was vampire royalty, that meant that Anabelle would be his human princess. If only he knew the truth... If only they all knew...

* * *

Hey, Jet here to give you a quick review. I'm avoiding nitpicking for the moment, because you can write clearly and cohesively and there are no glaring punctuation errors. You punctuate your dialogue well too, which is always good to see. So instead I figure I'll give you a general review; I'm not the most positive of reviewers, so don't be discouraged if it seems I'm just constantly criticising. I love vampire fic - though I hate Twilight - and as there's no sparkling yet, I like this a lot. There are just a few points that bother me.

Firstly, the ending, strangely enough. It's a very clichéd phrase you choose to end with. Beginning a sentence with "if only..." is rarely, if ever, a good idea to lead your reader on. It doesn't act so much as a hook as an irritation. If the whole point of the prologue is to create some interest in the rest of the story, I'd think about whether you need the prologue. Personally, I quite like this one and if you want to keep it, that's fine, especially if you have any further ideas about the plot and figure Annabelle's origins are going to be fairly difficult to work in. If they aren't essential in the first place, though, and the whole point of this was to establish some characters, I'd save it for the first chapter. After all, that is the point of Chapter 1, usually. It just depends on your personal choice.

Annabelle's immediate agreement to live with the vampires was a bit odd. Even a five year old - in some fiction, it seems especially a five year old - would be able to sense that something wasn't quite right. Either that, or the vampires are magically persuasive or just alluring, because I think a little girl wouldn't just disappear with a group of strangers whilst she's still unsure about her mother's whereabouts. You need to work in some form of hesitation or doubt, because otherwise it feels obvious that you're trying to set up the rest of the story, no matter how unbelievable some events have to be. Alternatively, have Dorian ask if she wants to come back for a little while, rather than forever - though that does pose more questions rather than answer any, I suppose. Oh, and does Annabelle just forget about her mother? She doesn't mention her again, which is also strange.

Actually, in the same vein, where's Adrian to agree to Annabelle living with them? It seems weird that he has no say in it, even though from this piece I know that Dorian is the superior. Nobody voices any concerns about problems with this arrangement to Dorian, and Annabelle's immediately accepted. Are there other vampires living in the house (I got that impression) who might veto this decision? If so, why aren't they mentioned? I understand that whatever Annabelle's mother was talking about is important, but if that's the reason why Annabelle comes to live with them, make them a little more urgent about finding out about it, or at least craft a greater reaction. Aside from that, you can just have Dorian exercise his royal authority. Here, they all seem too friendly for his decision to override anyone else's.

The last couple of paragraphs seem to switch perspectives, from a later time in Annabelle's life with the narrator looking back on the events, and from right then with Dorian planning for her future. I'd stick to the latter and keep within the present time frame you've introduced, describing Dorian's doubts and ideas, and the main question: how long's she going to last in a house full of vampires? I'm still a bit lost as to the reasoning for her adoption, here, which doesn't make it easy.

Despite my rambling, I think you have a solid foundation for a storyline here. I'd just be careful with thinking through your ideas and making sure that your reader understands motives and reasoning, rather than just the actions. This has a really good mix of showing and telling, as well, and I found it generally really easy to read. I hope you continue with it.

- Jet.

This is really good. I only have a couple of criticisms to make:
~don't be afraid to use the word "said". It fits smoothly into the writing.
~I was just wondering whether you couldn't work the information in your last two paragraphs into maybe your first chapter. I mean, it seems pretty clear that Dorian is going to raise Anabelle; I feel like those paragraphs just give away a little too much information that you could reveal later.
You did a nice job with the mystery of where Anabelle and her mother came from, and your characters' dialogue was very well done--it revealed a lot about them and the story. Great job. Keep writing.

Dang, Scar. That's pretty good. The only problem I have with it is You're going over board with the show-don't-tell thing. otherwise, it rocks! Keep it up
Kim

Phoenix lands for a review.

She held the hand of a small child, looking back to make sure the girl was keeping up.

Wait if she was holding her hand, why would she have to look back to see if she was keeping up?

The woman urged Anabelle on. She stopped when she stumbled up a shallow slope and reached a small clearing. Sunlight turned the grass a gold colour while the bark on the trees glowed red

.


That is such an amazing description.

Back at the edge of the clearing, Anabelle watched her mother disappear into the forest and then started crying. She cried for hours, until the sun sank down behind the horizon and the moon slowly rose up into the star filled sky.

There is absolutely no one around to hear a girl cry for hours?

“Anabelle,” she said and sat up. Dorian brushed her hair out of her face again and picked her up. Anabelle didn’t protest.

Didn't her mother ever tell her not to talk to strangers let alone touch her?

“Oh, yes please,” she whispered making Alessa and Dorian laugh.

Yeah liked the other reviewer said this is a bit odd. She doesn't even question where her mother is?

“

I know,” he whispered. Dorian seemed almost sad with the knowledge that the girl was essentially an orphan and would never see her parents again. She was to be raised amongst vampires, and they were not always as friendly as the first seemed.

Why does he assume there is no father?
they


Okay I must say this is a well done Prologue the brisk pace at which it was told suits the Prologue format but the child gives in way too quickly. I can overlook the questions about the mom and the vampires but that I can not overlook.

Overall very interesting and I can see how this can segway into they actual story in which I assume you have the girl all grown up. I'd like to read that part to see the kind of woman she becomes.

Phoenix flies away.

Thanks for the reviews guys. Okay, let's see...

"There is absolutely no one around to hear a girl cry for hours?" Anabelle is in a clearing in a forest, in the middle of nowhere. There is no one to hear her crying.

"Why does Dorian assume there's no father?" Uh, because he actually knows Anabelle's mother and her father, and her father is a vampire.... He's also dead. As in, permanently dead. So, both parents are now dead.

"Didn't her mother ever tell her not to talk to strangers let alone touch her? She doesn't even question where her mother is?" These two can go together: Dorian is using vampire hoo-doo on Anabelle, which is why she's not really questioning much, as well as talking to and letting a stranger touch her. Little Anabelle see's him as a saviour. It's weird and confusing, I know.

And Dorian is head of the household, Adrian is his child and so is Alessa (who is also his wife), which means that Adrian cannot argue with his maker. It's a weird vampire thing. You'll get used to it.

I know it needs fixing in places, and I'll get onto editing it soon enough but for now, it works. I know there's a lot of unanswered questions, but hopefully they'll be answered later on in the story.

Thanks again for the reviews guys.

~Scar.

And Dorian is head of the household, Adrian is his child and so is Alessa (who is also his wife), which means that Adrian cannot argue with his maker. It's a weird vampire thing. You'll get used to it.

I read a fair bit of vampire fiction and I've seen this around, particularly in Anne Rice, but because of the several different kinds of vampire out there, you should probably establish that yours follow this rule. I assume it's included somewhere else, if not here, but ideally you should mention it before the reader has to ask the question. I don't quite understand what you mean by saying he "cannot" argue with his maker; surely he can, but doesn't because of the way the hierarchy works? If that's the case, you could probably mention his apparent disillusion at not being socially able to comment. He's not compelled into obedience, even considering the social standing of Dorian.

These two can go together: Dorian is using vampire hoo-doo on Anabelle, which is why she's not really questioning much, as well as talking to and letting a stranger touch her.

Do you go over this later, as well? I considered that it could have been vampire magic, as such, but if it is, it should probably be mentioned. Again, you don't have to be explicit, but perhaps describing the tone of Dorian's voice or the intensity of his eyes at that point would be appropriate. Regardless of your explanations for the events, the reader has to be able to rationalise them too, so you should probably avoid missing them out too early on. As it is, a reader might be put off by the seemingly unrealistic decision Annabelle makes here without a thought for her mother.

If you're going to put that all in very soon, I apologise, but with your explanations in mind I thought I'd give a more specific rundown of the changes you might want to include in this prologue.

- Jet.