My Disturbing Romance (July 9th)

July 9th, 2010

I have a secret that I absolutely cannot tell anybody, except you of course. That's why I started this journal, so I can spill my secrets to someone who I know won't tell. And to ensure that nobody will find this sacred book, I'm hiding it in the trunk of my car in a secret compartment that I carved myself. Pathetic, I know. But at the end of everyday I feel completely exhausted because I know things that no one my age should.

I'm sixteen years old and I am the other woman. I'm a homewrecker. Jailbait. Whatever you want to call it, I'm it. I shower everyday, but I'm still filthy. I didn't ask to be in this situation, I swear. I don't come from an abusive home nor am I a product of the city ghettos. I come from a normal life, with loving parents, and a world of opportunities. Why am I involved with such an adult situation? That question's easy: I'm young and I don't have to care.

His name is Charles Buck. I met him at work, I'm a receptionist for a four star hotel in the heart of the city, and he's one of the valets. It was interesting how he approached me. Charles leaned over the desk I was working at, and started rambling on about cars nervously. It was kind of cute the way he kept blinking and licking his lips as if he were under a time frame to tell me everything he knew about cars the different models he's been able to drive.

At first I didn't think anything of him. He was just a fellow employee. It wasn't until he started coming up to me everyday and asking me about myself when I started to notice him more. His flattering comments also led me on. Then I realized that I was attracted to him when he walked me out to my car and the next thing I know he gripped my waist with one hand, and moved the hair out of my face with the other. Then I was face to face with his blue eyes, his sweet freckles that sprinkled his nose, and his light brown hair that glowed under the street lights. Then I knew that this wasn't any ordinary high school boy that's making a move, this was a man that had complete power over me, and I was helpless.

That was also the night he kissed me.

I remember one more thing from that night after work. After he kissed me he looked at me and said, "I shouldn't have done that. I have a girlfriend. I'm so sorry."

Then I replied, "It doesn't seem like your sorry. I think you knew what you were doing." Then I hopped in my car and drove home, not wanting to see him ever again.

I couldn't stay mad at him.

It wasn't long until I was in the supply closet with his hand up my shirt and my legs wrapped around his body.

Charles Buck is also 23 years old.

Finally, my secret is out. I might be able to sleep tonight.

You have a very intriguing start here, but I think you need to work on the emotional value of the piece, predominantly. There are also a few punctuation errors, which are mainly comma splices, but I'll leave that to another reviewer who's in the mood for nitpicks.

Emotions, then. First of all, I think you do a pretty decent job of justifying her position so we don't immediately criticise your MC. However, in order to get our sympathies to lie with her character - which is very difficult, I admit, because of the context - you should work on that feeling of being trapped that you bring up once or twice and expand upon it. The paragraphs where she's telling us about him can be fleshed out so we sense that there's something slightly off about him. Furthermore, at the beginning, when you're describing the MC as "jailbait", I get a very powerful sense of the mixture of self-pity, guilt and empowerment that she's feeling right then. It's a complex situation and there are very complex emotions to deal with, so don't rely entirely on odd lines to show us them. I wasn't keen on the whole "my life is fine, I'm just a rebel" description though. If she has that attitude, show it rather than tell it.

I felt that the revelation that Charles was in a relationship was far less shocking than you intended it to be. I mean, we know that he's in a relationship from the earlier narrative, but your MC doesn't, so when she's flashing back to the argument we need to feel all her anger and shock as she remembers it. The dialogue here is very flat and we don't get any emotion from it. The idea that she's actually mad seems to come as a bit of a surprise when we consider how calm your dialogue is.

Some of the sentences are a bit awkward and stilted, so I'd read this aloud. Even if it's a diary entry, you need to be able to get your character's feelings and emotions across without simultaneously justifying all of them. It needs to be obvious to the reader where the MC is right and wrong, as opposed to a continuous assumption that her reasoning is always sane and everything she writes is true. It's actually quite a difficult style to write in when you get down to the fine detail, so consider whether you'd prefer rewriting this in another way.

The last four sentences are all in the same structure: short, and one line paragraphs. I would abandon describing how old he is here and work it in elsewhere, because we sort of assume that he's much older than her - or at least, I did, when you began describing her as "the other woman".

On a final note, have you seen "An Education"? It's a very similar atmosphere and storyline to the one you're trying to convey. I'd watch it if you're keen to continue or edit this story, partly because it's a very good film and partly because you'll see how carefully handled the emotions have to be. Alternatively, you could read the book on which it's based, which might be even more helpful, but as I haven't picked it up, I can't really give a recommendation.

Good luck with this! Smooth it out and you have a great piece of writing on your hands.

- Jet.

I agree with Jet on everything. It's a whole different story then others write. I like it because of the difference from different stories. But you should edit some parts like Jet said. Keep Writing!
Nike