Dreamer - Chapter 5

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(Hi you guys! So thanks for reading. I'm going to be gone on vacation for three weeks in a couple days, so I probably won't be able to update any of the Dreamer chapters for a while. However, I'll still be writing them down, and/or I'll try find a place on vacation where I can use my laptop so I can still upload them here. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!)

I missed the bus on purpose.

It’s an overcast day in Ohio. My dirty Converse flop against the pavement as I make my way home. I stopped at Fast Mart and got a bag of M&Ms, then hid behind a couple trees and cried for a few minutes.

I couldn’t be around those kids on the bus. Even the ones that weren’t in English would’ve heard the story by now. At Corwin High School, gossip travels fast.

I enter Corwin Hills and start passing all the houses on King St. Since I live in a development, most of the houses look the same. Big front doors, two car garages, white siding and black shutters appear on every house on King. I turn right onto Country Lane, then sigh.

As a realtor, my mom wanted our house to stick out. So amidst the sea of white-washed four bedrooms on Country Lane, our minty green house sticks out like a parka in the Bahamas.

Mom is loading up her Mazda. She’s carrying a couple cardboard to the back of the car. I know what that means…
Someone’s moving in today.

As I get nearer, Mom sees me and motions me over towards her. “I need you to help me move in a family today.” Marcia McAllen is fully prepared to woo her clients dressed in a tweed charcoal blazer and skirt, a white ruffle blouse, pearls and classic black pumps.

I sigh. This basically means that I will be stuck on Crock Pot duty, serving lukewarm beef stew to hyper little five year olds.

Mom hands me, you guessed it, two Crock Pots and a vase of tulips. There’s no more room in the car so I have to carry them in my lap. We get into the car, the back of our station wagon crammed with boxes full of house favors, more flowers, business cards, and mints. I grip onto the passenger door as my mom turns left on Country Lane, goes about an eighth of a mile before turning left on Cherry Creek Place, the street directly parallel to ours.

Almost immediately, I know what house we’re going to. Placed right by the sidewalk, my mother’s face is smiling on an orange and blue Corwin Realty sign. Next to the sign is a dirty U-Haul, parked diagonally in front of the white house. Five cardboard boxes are sitting on top of one another by the bumper.

Our Volvo turns into the driveway, and right away I notice something different about this family. Their garage is open and old antiques stick out like neon lights. Ancient, ornate bookshelves are placed against each other on one side of the garage, while a couple gold and copper Buddhas are laying on top of Moroccan carpets on the other.

An older man comes through the door garage door connected to the house. He’s wearing cut-off khakis and a worn, navy blue polo, his dark hair sticking out in little tuffs behind his ears.

He yells out to us loudly as if we can’t hear six feet away. “Hi Marcia! The house is wonderful! Is this your daughter?” He walks quickly towards me, and stretches his hairy arm out. I guess I’m supposed to shake his hand. He grabs mine before I can react, and shakes it spiritedly. I can’t say I returned the gusto.

Mom starts with the introductions. “This is my daughter Andra. She’s fifteen and a sophomore.” She moves on to the man. “This is David Bello.”

“I’m one of the new philosophy professors at the University of Akron.” He places his hands on his hips, then turns around towards the garage door. “You two should really meet the rest of the family.” He pauses for a moment, then lets out a thousand decibel yell. “Kathryn! Kids!”

A few seconds later, four people barrel out of the door.

David puts his arm around the neck of one of the four, a women with strawberry blonde hair that I guess…

“This is Kathryn, my wife.” He finishes my thought.

Kathryn shakes my hand with two gentle shakes, different from David’s hearty greeting. She’s wearing a long, flowery skirt and a pink blouse, with hemp bracelets tied all the way to her elbows. She smiles at me, then leans her head on David’s shoulder.

“Now, when Marcia said you were fifteen,” David nods at me, “I was ecstatic. Our two girls are both fifteen. Meet Natalie and Tiana.”

I look over at the two girls, almost attached at the hip, wearing similar pink tees and jean shorts. One of the girls has dirty blonde hair cut a few inches from her shoulders, with spotty freckles covering every inch of her pale face. The other has curly, dark blown hair that flows down her back, and light brown skin that accentuates her eyes. Both would be lauded by the boys at my school. I also noticed that they looked nothing like their parents.

The blonde held out her hand, “I’m Natalie, but you can call me Nat.” She giggled a little; quick squeaks that leaped out of her mouth.

The brunette joined in the giggling, pushing a strand of hand behind her ear. “I’m Tiana, but you can call me Ty. Nat and I say we’re fraternal twins, even though we aren’t related at all.”

“We’re only a few months apart in age though,” Nat pipes in, “So we’re practically…”

“Sisters,” Both girls say at the same time, causing more giggling from the girls, while the rest of us laugh uncomfortably.

My attention is back on David as he finally introduces the last family member.

“This is Cooper. He’s seventeen.”

I look up shyly into the eyes of a gorgeous guy, someone I would definitely drool over if he wasn’t living and breathing in front of me. With brown hair slicked back with gel, melted chocolate eyes, and tan skin, he looks like an underwear model. Minus the fact that he’s wearing a Pear Jam t-shirt, jeans, and muddy Vans, you wouldn’t even believe he was a teenager.

He reaches out his hand, and for a second, I’m not quite sure what to do. I feel meek and embarrassed.

Then my brain gets it together and actually cooperates. My hand moves and my palm touches Cooper’s. Even though it probably lasted a second, tingles shoot down my fingers when I shake his hand and the moment feels much, much longer.

When I look back at him, he smiles. “Nice to meet you.” His low voice makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter, and I curse myself for already crushing on a guy I barely know.
Apple of my soul,
Eats me whole,
Take one bite,
No delight,
Rotting hole.




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Does anyone want to review?
Apple of my soul,
Eats me whole,
Take one bite,
No delight,
Rotting hole.




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Gender Female
Points 37146
Reviews 556
Hello there Jane :)

I stopped at Fast Mart and got a bag of M&Ms, then hid behind a couple of trees and cried for a few minutes.

Your main character is really funny :D . I've been following this story from the first chapter and I cannot get enough. Once you are done with it, try and find a publisher ;) The storyline is fantastic, and the suspense of what would happen next is just unbearable (it's a good thing). From what I know, I found very little errors, so I'll end here.

Good job and good luck getting this finished.
The best is what you make it!

...eh, need a review? Click me!




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Hey there Jane, I'm here to review!

Okay, since I haven't read any of your former chapters, I really can't nitpick on anything concerning your characters or the story itself. I'll give you my thoughts on a few parts of the story, but just keep it in mind with a grain of salt.

It’s an overcast day in Ohio. My dirty Converse flop against the pavement as I make my way home. I stopped at Fast Mart and got a bag of M&Ms, then hid behind a couple trees and cried for a few minutes.


You switched tenses here, and when I first read it I got confused; I realized later that you were probably saying that she went to the store and now she's no longer there and she's no longer crying. But as it was, I found it confusing at first, so if there's any way you could make it a little more blindingly obvious that that was all stuff she had already done, I'd appreciate it. :mrgreen: Got to make allowances for your slower readers like me.

I enter Corwin Hills and start passing all the houses on King St.

I turn right onto Country Lane, then sigh.

I grip onto the passenger door as my mom turns left on Country Lane, goes about an eighth of a mile before turning left on Cherry Creek Place, the street directly parallel to ours.


There are a lot of street/place names you're introducing here...is it absolutely necessary to name them all? I find it distracting from the main story to be told all of these names that I potentially won't be reading about again.

Minus the fact that he’s wearing a Pear Jam t-shirt, jeans, and muddy Vans, you wouldn’t even believe he was a teenager.


Did you mean Pearl Jam? For a moment I had an image of a yellowish-orange jar of jelly on his shirt...

His low voice makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter, and I curse myself for already crushing on a guy I barely know.


*sighs* Isn't that always the pits? Dang those hormones. ;)


Okay, so that's all I have to say! You've got a good piece here; I'll have to go back and find some earlier chapters! Please PM me if you've got any questions. :)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Hello.

Ranger was pretty thorough, so I'll just be adding onto her review. If I repeat anything, forgive me.

The first thing that stuck out to me were all the extra details you put in. Yes, they help create a setting, but extra details can really slow down a story to the point of making the reader's interest waver. Any details you add to a story should help characterize the world, the character, or they should move the story forward. If you're just putting in details for the sake of moving the story forward, however, such as describing her walk and every detail of the walk, then reconsider putting those details in. Those details can usually be cut and replaced with much sleeker and shorted descriptions that keep the reader's attention. The details are also odd because in first person, they aren't normally given. Because the narrator knows the world, it doesn't make much sense they'd point out every small nuanced detail.

I'd also watch you don't repeat information. At the beginning, you have the MC assume somebody's moving, and right after her mom says almost exactly the same thing. It's boring to hear the same thing twice. Watch this as your writing and proofreading.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Link for next chapter: (Chapter 6) post758731.html#p758731
Apple of my soul,
Eats me whole,
Take one bite,
No delight,
Rotting hole.



cron
This is a message to all you out there. You don't have to be the fastest writer. You don't have to write 2000 words in one sitting. But if you put your mind to it and really love your project, you can and will get further along than you ever thought possible.
— FireEyes