Alexis and the Puffballs chapter 1/prologue

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I am guessing for sure that it would be best to tell you how Puffballs came to be.
They came about in such an unusual manner that they will come to be known as the eighth natural wonder of the world.
Some, however might argue that it was anything but natural. These people would, to those who brought this phenomenon about, be considered smarter than the rest of the human race on a certain level.
A dandelion. The Dandelion. Just standing around, doing nothing, trying to shed it's feathery seeds to the world.
A fly. The Fly. Just flying around, minding it's own business. The Fly flies into the Dandelion's center with a near-inaudible whoosh. The fly would be the cause of the puffball. Without the fly, nothing would happen and there would be no story.
The Fly wiggled itself into a more comfortable position, much to the poor Dandelion's dismay. The wind blew, and the Dandelion waved back and forth vigorously, trying to shake the Fly free of it's undesiring clutches.
The Fly couldn't have let go if it tried. It was quite stuck. It shouldn't have been, but it was. It began to panic. It writhed, and kicked, and waved it's puny little legs. It even attempted biting the Dandelion, but a lot of good that did. Besides, he wasn't a Biting Fly.
The Fly grew old. One thing to remember is that flies have an unusually short lifespan. The Fly began to decay.
When that finished a day or so later, the only thing left was the brain. This is the strangest thing about it. The nerve center somehow did not decompose with the rest of the body.
The Brain latched onto the Dandelion's center, staying alive for just a little longer. Long enough for the Dandelion to change into animal cells, not plant cells. It then fused the whole thing together, along with gluing the seeds permanently into the dandelion's core, and grew vital organs.
And the Puffball was.
The Puffball was a small, furry thing with a fly's brain. The Puffball was an alien, so it seemed, and possibly the most unusual thing that ever happened or ever will happen on the face of the Earth or any other planet.


The first thing it did was dislodge itself from it's restricting stem. Heaving it's body back and forth didn't do much, since it weighed very little. It stopped to think.
One more thing you should know about flies is that they have highly intelligent brains, but, being so small, almost no way to store this potential.
Still, it was only about two seconds before the Puffball came up with a way to break free. It began, very slowly at first, to twist itself. As it gained headway, it went slightly faster. A moment later the Puffball broke free.
It wondered for a moment if it was worth it. It had thought of a way to get off the stem, but it had never even considered the fact that it would hurt. Especially like this. It lay on the ground for a good while, rolling and fluttering, trying to shake off the pain. It was a long time before that pain detached itself at last and relieved the Puffball. The Puffball launched itself into the air and snagged a breeze almost as if it had been born to do so.
It lost control very quickly. The first draft that wasn't congruent with the flight pattern sent the Puffball tumbling who-knows-where. That where was back onto the ground. He flew back up, and did better this time. Of course, it didn't have eyes to see, nor did it have ears or mouth. The most it could do was smell and touch.
It smelled and felt everything it could.
Naturally, having no mouth meant not being able to consume nutrients in a normal fashion. The poor Puffball soon became quite hungry. The little ball of fluff angled itself down and landed on a tree, and sat there. It thought with the surprisingly intelligent fly brain. It thought and thought and thought. It still couldn't think of a way to eat anything. As is sat and thought, it suddenly realized it was quite full. Without knowing it, the Puffball had absorbed, with its seeds, nutrients from the leaves of the tree and therefore had eaten it's fill. It had also turned a bit greenish, but it had absolutely no way of knowing that.
The Puffball nabbed a thermal and flew away again. As it drifted, it realized the air was steadily growing cooler. A faint breeze kicked up. The fly brain knew what a storm was, and panicked. It couldn't change course as a fly could, and instead went with the breeze. Small sensors that had developed along the seeds read a solid object quickly approaching. Or, rather, the Puffball approaching the hard object.
Whoosh. The Puffball went through a small opening on the face of the hard object, and the air suddenly grew to be much warmer. The wind had stopped, too. The Puffball came to rest on a soft but very large object. Small, wiry hairs on the surface clung to the seeds and would not let go. The fly brain panicked again, reminiscing about the time when it had gotten stuck in the dandelion. The Puffball began to wiggle itself from side to side, trying to break loose. It couldn't get free this time, either.
The Puffball had made its way into a house.
Still rocking, the sensors picked up a vibration in the ground. It was a steady thump thump thumping of footsteps. The Puffball continued to heave itself back and forth. It was making headway, but the little hairs still held it fast. There was a high-frequency wave in the air now, someone was screaming, and growing weaker as the thumping grew rapid and receded. Only a moment later the thumping came back, only there were a lot more of them. Waves filled the air of various frequencies. More particularly high-frequencies, apparently very strong. The Puff-ball sensed a very large mass of something warm approaching slowly. The thump thump thump became louder, then, very suddenly, stopped.
Last edited by Sassykat on Tue Aug 10, 2010 5:54 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.




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Hi Sassykat!

The little ball of fluff angled itself down and landed on a tree, and sat there.

How did a tree get to be in a chimney?
Maybe you could that it flew out an open window.

Stil rocking, the sensors picked

I think you mean, 'Still' not 'Stil'
Jungle
Charlie Bucket: You can eat the grass?
Willy Wonka: Of course you can! Everything in this room is eatable, even *I'm* eatable! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.




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Hello Sassy!

I really like this. I so. I would love to see it develop. So, onto the review.
It finished decaying....
Personally, I'm not a fan of ellipses. You could do without them here.
This is the most unnatural wonder part.
Awkward sentence here. How about: 'That was quite unnatural.'
The Brain latched onto the center of the Dandelion's center
Center of the center? Nah. Rephrase it, dear.
Long enough for the Dandelion to grow a couple of vital organs. It then fused the whole thing together and changed the plant cells into animal.
Well, it would be logically right if the cells were transformed to animal ones and then, it grew organs. Else, you'd end up with a poor, confused mutant-in-the-making.
One more thing you should know about flies is that they have highly intelligent brains, but, being so small, almost no capacity.
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by capacity.
Naturally, having no mouth meant not being able to consume nutrients in a normal fashion.
You seem to use 'natural/unnatural' in quite a few places. I would suggest you to avoid it, or it might annoy the reader.
It thought with the surprisingly intelligent fly brain.
You already mentioned that it had intelligent brains. So, why not say something like "It's nerve cells worked to find a solution" or something along that.

Flow: I like the short sentences which gave a child-like feel to the puffball and your flow wasn't too bad.
Description: Well, I would like the next chapter to have more description. Being the first chapter, it's fine, but the next one should have more of description.

I like this. PM me when the next one is posted.
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Hi there Sassykat.

I am guessing for sure that it would be best to tell you how Puffballs came to be.

They came about in such an unusual manner that they will come to be known as the eighth natural wonder of the world.

Some, however might argue that it was anything but natural. These people would, to those who brought this phenomenon about, be considered smarter than the rest of the human race on a certain level.

A dandelion. The Dandelion. Just standing around, doing nothing, trying to shed it's feathery seeds to the world.

A fly. The Fly. Just flying around, minding it's own buisiness. The Fly flies into the Dandelion's center with a near-inaudible whoosh.


You might want to be clearer as to what the Puffball is. What followed is loosely linked with one another so it comes kind of confusing to read.

One more thing you should know about flies is that they have highly intelligent brains, but, being so small, almost no capacity.


Does this even make sense?

As it gained confidence and headway, it went slightly faster. A moment later the Puffball broke free.


What? How can this "Dandelion" gain confidence? You are trying to put human feelings into something that is already shown as being alien. It doesn't work.

Naturally, having no mouth meant not being able to consume nutrients in a normal fashion. The poor Puffball soon became quite hungry. The little ball of fluff angled itself down and landed on a tree, and sat there. It thought with the surprisingly intelligent fly brain. It thought and thought and thought. It still couldn't think of a way to eat anything. As is sat and thought, it suddenly realized it was quite full. Without knowing it, the Puffball had absorbed nutrients through the seeds and therefore had eaten it's fill. It had also turned a bit greenish, but it had absolutely no way of knowing that.


And why should I care that it's hungry?

The Puffball nabbed a thermal and flew away again. As it drifted, it realized the air was steadily growing cooler. A faint breeze kicked up. The fly brain knew what a storm was, and panicked. It couldn't change course as a fly could, and instead went with the breeze. Small sensors that had developed along the seeds read the approach of something solid. Or, rather, the Puffball approaching the hard object.

Whoosh. The Puffball went through a small opening on the face of the hard object, and the air suddenly grew to be much warmer. The wind had stopped, too. The Puffball came to rest on a soft but very large object. Small, wiry hairs on the surface clung to the seeds and would not let go. The fly brain panicked again, reminiscing about the time when it had gotten stuck in the dandelion. The Puffball began to wiggle itself from side to side, trying to break loose. It couldn't get free this time, either.


This is so confusing. How can the temperature suddenly vary like that? And what's the relevance of all of this? It doesn't make any sense.

Overall impressions:

Auk. This was such a confusing read. It was so random and made very little sense. I highly suggest that when you edit this, please make it more grounded and logical. Start off by defining what the Puffball is. Even after I've finished this, I still have no idea what it is you are talking about.

Mostly everything that happened in this piece was random, because there was no cause and effect in the flow of events. It was like you were randomly dishing things out and hoped that it all fit, no matter how bizarre it may be. I mean what was the point of having the darned fly in there? What were you trying to say? Why did you have it blowing away and whatnot?

And why should I care about this Puffball? There is very little here to make me want to read on. When you have a character that is alien, you need to show why we need to care about the puffball, or else the reader will lose interest.

Good luck.

Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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Okay, it was your title that dragged me in. I clicked on your novel and it was the synopsis that make me read on. Seriously, this has got to be one of the strangest things I have seen here on YWS. In the best possible way.

waved it's puny little legs. It even attempted

Here you are referring to The Fly as "it", when you had already called "he" several other times. Since you've called it a "he" once, you should refer to it as "he" the rest of the time too.

Also, "it's" is the contraction of "it is". The possessive of it is "its" with no apostrophe. So it should be "waved its puny little legs". This really applies to the Puffball, since you refer to it as "it" and have a whole bunch of "it's" where they don't belong.

The history of the Puffball is... odd. That's all I can say. I won't go into the science of why it wouldn't work, because it doesn't matter, does it? The point is that the Puffball was. A question though; you say it absorbed nutrients through the seeds. Its own seeds? Then how is it going to eat in the future, if all the nutrients are gone? And isn't the Puffball quite delicate? I mean, dandelions' seeds blow off quite easily with just air.

Anyway, this is strange and quirky and strangely appealing for it. I will read on...

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



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