Making it all ALONE- Chapter One

I grabbed my medium sized duffel bag out my closet. I threw everything I would probably need until I could come back and the rest. Cigarettes, few changes of clothes, toothbrush, make up bag, cell phone and charger.
How could I forget it?
I thought to myself. I hopped on top of my bed and snapped off the smoke detector where I found the small zip lock baggy with my savings in it: $840.22 made sure I threw it in my bag. I zipped up the duffel bag , slung it over my shoulder and headed for the door. I touched the doorknob "Don't come back," my mom snapped. I paused and just stood there. Turned the knob and walked out the door, making sure it slammed. As I was walking away from the house, I felt her eyes watching me from the window, burning a huge hole in my back.

I waited until I got around the corner before I called my boyfriend, B.J. I sat on a bench at a bus stop. It rang twice before he answered.
"Yo, Babe whasup?" he questioned.
"Me and my Mom got into a huge fight can I come there? She kicked me out, I didn't know who else to call?" I didn't even realize I was crying until I heard it in my voice.
"Wait Babe, slow down! Where are you?" he exclaimed, panicky.
"21'st and Liberty,"
"I'm on my way; stay there!" he said as he hung up.

I'm kicked out with nowhere to go, I'm only 16, with only $840.22 to my name, I have school and work. My brother's in jail for gun possession. My Dad's in prison for drug dealing. My mom's a crazy, bi-polar, junkie, who's on meth. How could my life go so down hill in 2 years? From Doing pretty good to doing pretty horrible?
I silently thought to myself. The depression started to set in. So, I did what I do best. I took my iPod out my pocket, started listening to Guns N Roses. I pulled out a carton of New Ports and lit a cigarette up, inhaled like it was the best thing. "God, I have to quit," I whispered to myself. No more than 2 minutes later, B.j. pulled up in his red 67' Camaro.

"I got here as fast as I could! Okay, Are you okay?, What happened, Babe? I want all the details and pass me that cigarette," he said as I climbed in.
I rolled down the window, threw it out, and rolled the window back up.
" So, I woke up around 10:00, got dressed. It was about 11:30 when I left to go visit my brother Cash, at the prison. When I got home it was about 1:25 because I stopped at Arby's to get a bite to eat. I automatically started cleaning because I didn't wanna argue with my mom. I did all the laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, and the front room. My mom was getting home around 3:45, and I was just starting on the dishes. Everything seemed okay, but, she started telling me she was mad. She'd gotten into a fight with her boss. Somehow that turned into a fight about the dishes not being done. I told her how she was being unappreciated and always has an attitude with me for no reason. After that, she basically cussed me out and told me to get out." I sighed, thinking of how she screwed my day off work and summer school up.
"Wow, Victoria. So, she just fucking kicked you out? That's crazy." We pulled into his driveway. He got out, came around, and opened the door for me as I got out, then took my bag and carried it for me. B.j.'s always been a really good boyfriend. More like the best. He's my first real boyfriend, and I'm lucky to have him. We got to his front door when I looked up at him.

"B.j., Where is your shirt at?" we both laughed.
"Well, I'd been working out all day, I got home, took a shower and just changed into basketball shorts. When you called crying, it worried me, so I grabbed shoes and left." we both were still laughing when his front door opened and his parents were standing there.
"We thought that was you! Come in. You don't even have a shirt on, boy!" his Dad mentioned.
"Hello, Mr. Gonzalez, Mrs. Gonzalez. How are you?"
"We're fine, come in, come in!" they answered in unison. They both looked at each other, and a grin creeped upon their faces.
I walked into the mason-like home that put me in awe every time I walked in . I sat on the couch.
"What's going on? B.j.'s Dad asked.
"What do you mean?" me and B.j. answered in unison, then laughed.
"Well your face is red from what looks like crying, B.j. left in a really big hurry with no shirt on, and he's also carrying a big duffel bag. So, what's going on? Are you pregnant?" he sounded annoyed, worried, and a little upset.
Mrs.Gonzalez just stood there behind her husband, looking like she wanted to say exactly what he was telling me.
"Well, I guess I should start from the beginning huh? Then we could figure something out about my uh, situation." I replied nervously.

The first thing I would work on here is your beginning paragraph. It leads well into the story, but I found myself losing focus as I was reading it. It was a little too much detail to properly hook the reader. Maybe try breaking it down and adding in the details in separate paragraphs. This will hold your reader's attention better and snare them into the story.
Also, when you have dialogue, it becomes are paragraph of its own. For the most part you remembered this, but I saw several times you started a lot of dialogue right after a long paragraph.
You also had a some run-on sentences in your dialogue. It kind of felt like characters were rushing to say everything they could in one breath.
I thought that overall, your characters were very interesting, though. I could especially picture B.J. very well. I like how you include some of your main character's thoughts and habits into the chapter. I think maybe you could include a little more emotion from the parents, especially the mom of B.J.--they didn't seem to be too upset about their son's girlfriend crashing at their place because her mom kicked her out. Which brings me to my last suggestion: I don't know if you were going to put this in next chapter, but maybe include a bit more history between Victoria and her mother, and why they had such a bad fight. I mean, it seems a little extreme her mom would just kick her out for not doing the dishes. There has to be something else going on.
Keep working on this, and write on!

TheEnigma wrote:The first thing I would work on here is your beginning paragraph. It leads well into the story, but I found myself losing focus as I was reading it. It was a little too much detail to properly hook the reader. Maybe try breaking it down and adding in the details in separate paragraphs. This will hold your reader's attention better and snare them into the story.
Also, when you have dialogue, it becomes are paragraph of its own. For the most part you remembered this, but I saw several times you started a lot of dialogue right after a long paragraph.
You also had a some run-on sentences in your dialogue. It kind of felt like characters were rushing to say everything they could in one breath.
I thought that overall, your characters were very interesting, though. I could especially picture B.J. very well. I like how you include some of your main character's thoughts and habits into the chapter. I think maybe you could include a little more emotion from the parents, especially the mom of B.J.--they didn't seem to be too upset about their son's girlfriend crashing at their place because her mom kicked her out. Which brings me to my last suggestion: I don't know if you were going to put this in next chapter, but maybe include a bit more history between Victoria and her mother, and why they had such a bad fight. I mean, it seems a little extreme her mom would just kick her out for not doing the dishes. There has to be something else going on.
Keep working on this, and write on!

I took alot of your suggestions into the edit of the 1st chapter. You pointed out a lot of my mistakes! And I totally appreciate it dude! It will most def help me! & Yes Chapter One is supposed to have questions to keep people wondering. Don't know if I did that right though. =/
But anyways, thanks!

Heyyy there, Libby. Thanks for reading Soulless...Just hope I can help you out a bit with this!


For starters, I'm going to go through and just fix grammatical errors as I see them...anything extra I'll bold and explain.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:
I grabbed my medium sized duffel bag out my closet. I threw everything I would probably need until I could come back and the rest. Cigarettes, few changes of clothes, toothbrush, make up bag, cell phone and charger.
How could I forget it?
I thought to myself. I hopped on top of my bed and snapped off the smoke detector, where I found the small zip lock baggy with my savings in it: $840.22. I made sure I threw it in my bag. I zipped up the duffel bag, slung it over my shoulder, and headed for the door. I touched the doorknob. "Don't come back," my mom said. I paused and just stood there. I turned the knob and walked out the door, making sure it slammed. As I was walking away from the house, I felt her eyes watching me from the window, burning a huge hole in my back.

I waited until I got around the corner before I called my boyfriend, B.J. I sat on a bench at a bus stop. It rang twice before he answered.
"Yo, Babe whasup?" he answered. (The repetition can be an eyesore for those of us with an obsession like mine... )
"Me and my mom got into a huge fight. Can I come over? She kicked me out. I didn't know who else to call." I didn't even realize I was crying until I heard it in my voice.
"Wait, Babe, slow down! Where are you?" he said, (If it's a question, you don't really want to use "said".) panicky.
"21'st and Liberty."
"I'm on my way; stay there!" he said as he hung up.

I'm kicked out with nowhere to go. I'm only 16, with only $840.22 to my name. I have school and work.
I thought to myself. The depression started to set in. So, I did what I do best. I took my iPod out of my pocket and started listening to Guns N Roses. I pulled out a carton of New Ports and lit a cigarette up, inhaled like it was the best thing. "God, I have to quit," I said to myself. No more than 2 minutes later, B.j. pulled up in his red 67' Camaro.

"I got here as fast as I could! Okay, are you okay? What happened, Babe? I want all the details, and pass me that cigarette," he said as I climbed in.
I rolled down the window, threw it out, and rolled the window back up.
" So, I woke up around 10:00, got dressed. It was about 11:30 when I left to go visit my brother Cash at the prison. When I got home, it was about 1:25 because I stopped at Arby's to get a bite to eat. I automatically started cleaning because I didn't wanna argue with my mom. I did all the laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, and the front room. My mom was getting home around 3:45, and I was just starting on the dishes. Everything seemed okay, but she started telling me she was mad. She'd gotten into a fight with her boss. Somehow that turned into a fight about the dishes not being done. I told her how she was being unappreciative and always has an attitude with me for no reason. After that, she basically cussed me out and told me to get out." I sighed, thinking of how she screwed my day off work and summer school up.
"Wow, Victoria. So, she just fucking kicked you out? That's crazy." We pulled into his driveway. He got out, came around, and opened the door for me as I got out, then took my bag and carried it for me. B.j.'s always been a really good boyfriend. More like the best. He's my first real boyfriend, and I'm lucky to have him. We got to his front door when I looked up at him.

"B.j., Where is your shirt at?" We both laughed.
"Well, I'd been working out all day, I got home, took a shower and just changed into basketball shorts. When you called crying, it worried me, so I grabbed shoes and left." We both were still laughing when his front door opened and his parents were standing there.
"We thought that was you! Come in. You don't even have a shirt on, boy!" his Dad said.
"Hello, Mr. Gonzalez, Mrs. Gonzalez. How are you?"
"We're fine, come in, come in!" they answered in union. They both looked at each other, and a grin creeped upon their faces.
I walked into the mansion-like home that put me in awe every time I walked in, and I sat on the couch. (If you don't separate the two parts, it makes it sound like she's in awe only when she's going to sit on the couch.)
"What's going on?" B.j.'s Dad said.
"What do you mean?" me and B.j. answered in union, then laughed.
"Well your face is red from what looks like crying, B.j. left in a really big hurry with no shirt on, and he's also carrying a big duffel bag. So, what's going on? Are you pregnant?" He sounded annoyed, worried, and a little upset.
Mrs.Gonzalez just stood there behind her husband, looking like she wanted to say exactly what he was telling me.
"Well, I guess I should start from the beginning, huh? Then we could figure something out about my uh, situation," I said nervously.

Okie dokie! Time to divide and conquer...With a list!

1. Dialogue, dialogue, dialogue. For quotes, this is the basic format. "Blah blah blah, what so-and-so said," said So-and-so. OR "Blah blah blah, what So-and-so said," So-and-so said. So basically, you want to make sure that the last thing in your quote is always a comma, not a period, unless you're starting a new sentence afterwards. Also, the next word after the quote is NOT capitalized unless it's a name. For example:
"I totally like peanuts." Said Mary.
Notice how there is a period after peanuts, and Said is capitalized. This is wrong. The sentence should look like:
"I totally like peanuts," said Mary.
Much better. My inner grammar geek is soothed for the moment. ^__^

2. Try not to finish off every quote with the word "said". In fact, I make it a personal goal never, ever to use the word said in what I write because it gets boring. People hear that word so often that it can be tiring on the eyes to read it over and over again. Here's a website with a list of words to use other than said: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_50_w ... _than_said
It's a life-saver.

3. Take a minute and think about the realism in your writing. How realistic is it that she would get kicked out of her house? We don't hear anything about the mother except that she kicked her daughter out, and the vocabulary you use to describe her reaction to the situation is kind of bland. She cries, but not for very long. What is she thinking? What is she feeling? What events led up to this turning point in her life? Why is her brother in prison? It's a lot of information thrown at the reader in a very matter-of-fact way...If you could pace things a little better, take more time to explain or describe things that hint at the information you're giving us, I feel this could be a much more effective piece.

4. As a personal pet peeve, people rarely, if ever speak in unison...I would use the idea sparingly. Haha.

5. Overall, you're hitting on some pretty serious subject matter. I would take a lot of time to analyze your characters and their reactions to things...Why does she care about this? What makes her apathetic to this? Who is her brother? How did that affect her in her life? Sometimes just brainstorming all these things can be super helpful.

Anyways, I think it's a great start, and I look forward to reading more. Keep writing, and keep up the good work. Hope you didn't mind my nit-picking too, too much!

TheseStoneWalls wrote:Heyyy there, Libby. Thanks for reading Soulless...Just hope I can help you out a bit with this!


For starters, I'm going to go through and just fix grammatical errors as I see them...anything extra I'll bold and explain.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:
I grabbed my medium sized duffel bag out my closet. I threw everything I would probably need until I could come back and the rest. Cigarettes, few changes of clothes, toothbrush, make up bag, cell phone and charger.
How could I forget it?
I thought to myself. I hopped on top of my bed and snapped off the smoke detector, where I found the small zip lock baggy with my savings in it: $840.22. I made sure I threw it in my bag. I zipped up the duffel bag, slung it over my shoulder, and headed for the door. I touched the doorknob. "Don't come back," my mom said. I paused and just stood there. I turned the knob and walked out the door, making sure it slammed. As I was walking away from the house, I felt her eyes watching me from the window, burning a huge hole in my back.

I waited until I got around the corner before I called my boyfriend, B.J. I sat on a bench at a bus stop. It rang twice before he answered.
"Yo, Babe whasup?" he answered. (The repetition can be an eyesore for those of us with an obsession like mine... )
"Me and my mom got into a huge fight. Can I come over? She kicked me out. I didn't know who else to call." I didn't even realize I was crying until I heard it in my voice.
"Wait, Babe, slow down! Where are you?" he said, (If it's a question, you don't really want to use "said".) panicky.
"21'st and Liberty."
"I'm on my way; stay there!" he said as he hung up.

I'm kicked out with nowhere to go. I'm only 16, with only $840.22 to my name. I have school and work.
I thought to myself. The depression started to set in. So, I did what I do best. I took my iPod out of my pocket and started listening to Guns N Roses. I pulled out a carton of New Ports and lit a cigarette up, inhaled like it was the best thing. "God, I have to quit," I said to myself. No more than 2 minutes later, B.j. pulled up in his red 67' Camaro.

"I got here as fast as I could! Okay, are you okay? What happened, Babe? I want all the details, and pass me that cigarette," he said as I climbed in.
I rolled down the window, threw it out, and rolled the window back up.
" So, I woke up around 10:00, got dressed. It was about 11:30 when I left to go visit my brother Cash at the prison. When I got home, it was about 1:25 because I stopped at Arby's to get a bite to eat. I automatically started cleaning because I didn't wanna argue with my mom. I did all the laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, and the front room. My mom was getting home around 3:45, and I was just starting on the dishes. Everything seemed okay, but she started telling me she was mad. She'd gotten into a fight with her boss. Somehow that turned into a fight about the dishes not being done. I told her how she was being unappreciative and always has an attitude with me for no reason. After that, she basically cussed me out and told me to get out." I sighed, thinking of how she screwed my day off work and summer school up.
"Wow, Victoria. So, she just fucking kicked you out? That's crazy." We pulled into his driveway. He got out, came around, and opened the door for me as I got out, then took my bag and carried it for me. B.j.'s always been a really good boyfriend. More like the best. He's my first real boyfriend, and I'm lucky to have him. We got to his front door when I looked up at him.

"B.j., Where is your shirt at?" We both laughed.
"Well, I'd been working out all day, I got home, took a shower and just changed into basketball shorts. When you called crying, it worried me, so I grabbed shoes and left." We both were still laughing when his front door opened and his parents were standing there.
"We thought that was you! Come in. You don't even have a shirt on, boy!" his Dad said.
"Hello, Mr. Gonzalez, Mrs. Gonzalez. How are you?"
"We're fine, come in, come in!" they answered in union. They both looked at each other, and a grin creeped upon their faces.
I walked into the mansion-like home that put me in awe every time I walked in, and I sat on the couch. (If you don't separate the two parts, it makes it sound like she's in awe only when she's going to sit on the couch.)
"What's going on?" B.j.'s Dad said.
"What do you mean?" me and B.j. answered in union, then laughed.
"Well your face is red from what looks like crying, B.j. left in a really big hurry with no shirt on, and he's also carrying a big duffel bag. So, what's going on? Are you pregnant?" He sounded annoyed, worried, and a little upset.
Mrs.Gonzalez just stood there behind her husband, looking like she wanted to say exactly what he was telling me.
"Well, I guess I should start from the beginning, huh? Then we could figure something out about my uh, situation," I said nervously.

Okie dokie! Time to divide and conquer...With a list!

1. Dialogue, dialogue, dialogue. For quotes, this is the basic format. "Blah blah blah, what so-and-so said," said So-and-so. OR "Blah blah blah, what So-and-so said," So-and-so said. So basically, you want to make sure that the last thing in your quote is always a comma, not a period, unless you're starting a new sentence afterwards. Also, the next word after the quote is NOT capitalized unless it's a name. For example:
"I totally like peanuts." Said Mary.
Notice how there is a period after peanuts, and Said is capitalized. This is wrong. The sentence should look like:
"I totally like peanuts," said Mary.
Much better. My inner grammar geek is soothed for the moment. ^__^

2. Try not to finish off every quote with the word "said". In fact, I make it a personal goal never, ever to use the word said in what I write because it gets boring. People hear that word so often that it can be tiring on the eyes to read it over and over again. Here's a website with a list of words to use other than said: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_50_w ... _than_said
It's a life-saver.

3. Take a minute and think about the realism in your writing. How realistic is it that she would get kicked out of her house? We don't hear anything about the mother except that she kicked her daughter out, and the vocabulary you use to describe her reaction to the situation is kind of bland. She cries, but not for very long. What is she thinking? What is she feeling? What events led up to this turning point in her life? Why is her brother in prison? It's a lot of information thrown at the reader in a very matter-of-fact way...If you could pace things a little better, take more time to explain or describe things that hint at the information you're giving us, I feel this could be a much more effective piece.

4. As a personal pet peeve, people rarely, if ever speak in unison...I would use the idea sparingly. Haha.

5. Overall, you're hitting on some pretty serious subject matter. I would take a lot of time to analyze your characters and their reactions to things...Why does she care about this? What makes her apathetic to this? Who is her brother? How did that affect her in her life? Sometimes just brainstorming all these things can be super helpful.

Anyways, I think it's a great start, and I look forward to reading more. Keep writing, and keep up the good work. Hope you didn't mind my nit-picking too, too much!

Thankss for all the tips and I will use them in the new EDIT I will be doing in a few.
The reader is kinda supposed to be questioning these things so they'll keep reading the 2Nd chapter will describe a lot of the "wonders". And with the whole saying stuff at the same time thingy that's just comparing how his pareants are happy and married and do that and so do B.J. and Victoria
But the list is gonna help a lot in the new edit &your tips! You're helping ohdee thankss!
=)
-Libby

Anymore reviews, comments? Anything?
is it that bad?

No, this is a very good start to a story. I'm taking that you're new , like me! I'm Alice, well actually Cirque and as promised I'm here to do a review for you. On any level, whether it be for a chapter in a book or a post on YWS, this is rather short. Though, that doesn't matter as I can focus on the review. I just wanna point out, that I really liked this. See; I LOVE IT!

I threw in everything I would probably need until I could come back and get the rest.

I'm afraid you forgot two words here. Even if you didn't intend to place them into the sentence, I thinks it's rather awkward without 'em. I don't know, just something...I can't really place my finger on it but this sounds very strange. I reccomend that you add or lessen it. Just something that really throws off the intended meaning that you're trying to say.

I paused and just stood there.

I've noticed through most of this chapter that you've place capital letters through your sentences where they are really not needed. This statement is a very good example. It really just muddles and messes your work up and drives away the readers attention.

"What's going on?" B.j.'s Dad asked.

Seeming since you didn't do this through the whole of your story, I am pretty sure that you know about speech quotations. Of course you do, it's spelt out through most of this chapter. I'm just pointing out that you've left the end speech colon off at the end of this sentence. Again, this muddles your work and draws the attention away from your meaning.

"Don't come back," my mom snapped.

"Yo, Babe whasup?" he questioned.

"Wait Babe, slow down! Where are you?" he exclaimed, panicky.

"I'm on my way; stay there!" He said as he hung up.

I want all the details and pass me that cigarette," he said as I climbed in.

That's crazy." we pulled into his driveway.

"B.j., Where is your shirt at?" we both laughed.

so I grabbed shoes and left." we both were

"We thought that was you! Come in. You don't even have a shirt on, boy!" his Dad mentioned.

Are you pregnant?" he sounded annoyed, worried, and a little upset.

(I've had to repeat this so many times, so I have really been just copying and pasting this one paragraph) This is a reccuring pattern throughout your work. As you can probably see from all the quotings. So the speech grammar of this is wrong. You see, don't worry I also just figured this out, when ever you have an ending to a sentence (past the end quotation mark) the words to come are not a beginning but a continuation. As pointed out in red, the first letter after the speech must be in lower case no matter the quotation mark. Though, this is an exception to those words that must have a capital letter eg. names.

Cirque wrote:No, this is a very good start to a story. I'm taking that you're new , like me! I'm Alice, well actually Cirque and as promised I'm here to do a review for you. On any level, whether it be for a chapter in a book or a post on YWS, this is rather short. Though, that doesn't matter as I can focus on the review. I just wanna point out, that I really liked this. See; I LOVE IT!

I threw in everything I would probably need until I could come back and get the rest.

I'm afraid you forgot two words here. Even if you didn't intend to place them into the sentence, I thinks it's rather awkward without 'em. I don't know, just something...I can't really place my finger on it but this sounds very strange. I reccomend that you add or lessen it. Just something that really throws off the intended meaning that you're trying to say.

I paused and just stood there.

I've noticed through most of this chapter that you've place capital letters through your sentences where they are really not needed. This statement is a very good example. It really just muddles and messes your work up and drives away the readers attention.

"What's going on?" B.j.'s Dad asked.

Seeming since you didn't do this through the whole of your story, I am pretty sure that you know about speech quotations. Of course you do, it's spelt out through most of this chapter. I'm just pointing out that you've left the end speech colon off at the end of this sentence. Again, this muddles your work and draws the attention away from your meaning.

"Don't come back," my mom snapped.

"Yo, Babe whasup?" he questioned.

"Wait Babe, slow down! Where are you?" he exclaimed, panicky.

"I'm on my way; stay there!" He said as he hung up.

I want all the details and pass me that cigarette," he said as I climbed in.

That's crazy." we pulled into his driveway.

"B.j., Where is your shirt at?" we both laughed.

so I grabbed shoes and left." we both were

"We thought that was you! Come in. You don't even have a shirt on, boy!" his Dad mentioned.

Are you pregnant?" he sounded annoyed, worried, and a little upset.

(I've had to repeat this so many times, so I have really been just copying and pasting this one paragraph) This is a reccuring pattern throughout your work. As you can probably see from all the quotings. So the speech grammar of this is wrong. You see, don't worry I also just figured this out, when ever you have an ending to a sentence (past the end quotation mark) the words to come are not a beginning but a continuation. As pointed out in red, the first letter after the speech must be in lower case no matter the quotation mark. Though, this is an exception to those words that must have a capital letter eg. names.

You pointed out alot of the "Simple" mistakes.
That's good & I like totallly apperciate it!
Thanksss lotss love!
-Libby<3

LibbyLovesDrums----
I really liked this first chapter because the one thing it makes me want to do is read the second! I was left in suspense, wondering what BJ's parents are going to say, what Victoria's life is like, et cetra, et cetra. It was well written, the idea is great, and it's a brilliant way to start a novel! Also, I like your main character Victoria, she leaves you wondering what's up, what's going to happen, and how those things happened to her family. If I had to say anything negative, I would have to suggest for you to use more details (I really love details, lol), but other than that it's a good start! Can't wait to read the second chapter. . . (:
Hope you'll review me again and your work is really great!
Taylor (TRH Writes)

trhwrites wrote:LibbyLovesDrums----
I really liked this first chapter because the one thing it makes me want to do is read the second! I was left in suspense, wondering what BJ's parents are going to say, what Victoria's life is like, et cetra, et cetra. It was well written, the idea is great, and it's a brilliant way to start a novel! Also, I like your main character Victoria, she leaves you wondering what's up, what's going to happen, and how those things happened to her family. If I had to say anything negative, I would have to suggest for you to use more details (I really love details, lol), but other than that it's a good start! Can't wait to read the second chapter. . . (:
Hope you'll review me again and your work is really great!
Taylor (TRH Writes)

Awwww thanks! I love the positive comments they keep me going!
Thankss love!
-Libby

Be sure to read Chapter2!

Hey Libby. First of all thanks so much for your request. Secondly, your username is so cool.

I threw everything I would probably need until I could come back and the rest.

The part in the colour was a bit confusing to me. What exactly did you mean by this? I understood the part before it very well, but this was hard to decipher. Also, this looked like something unwanted, like a weed, just stuffed here. I hope this made sense to you.

I paused and just stood there. Turned the knob and walked out the door, making sure it slammed.

Read these two lines carefully for yourself. Don't you think this all should be in one sentence only? I think it should be a single sentence because of the fact that the second sentence here looks like a fragment instead of a sentence. If still you want to go with the two sentences then do add 'I' in front of turned so it looks complete.

"We're fine, come in, come in!" they answered in union.

The word is unison, not union.

They both looked at each other, and a grin creeped upon their faces.

I liked this description.

Okay, so if you scroll up so you would find that I didn't pin-point much grammar errors, but it is because of the fact that there were many similar mistakes and I would like to tell you about them in detail, rather than spoon-feeding you. :0

First of all, you need to put all your story in the Story format. It would be there in Editing. Down on the screen would be Special Formating. Just select the post and then click on that button.

My review might seem repeated because you have already been told lots of things.

My one review would be that you lack descriptions. it was only two times that you presented us with descriptions. You should have told us how the boyfriend looks, what she feels when she is being kicked out of her house, and all that stuff. I want to see how exactly her mother looks like-she is a drug addict,s o she should be having something weird about her attitude(which you mentioned a bit), about her looks, or the way she carries off herself. I know the carry off thing couldn't have worked out here as that would work out here, as there is not much mention of her mother. But other things could have worked out here.

Also, the start could have been a lot more dramatic. Like taking out a bag, and then packing it doesn't look like a great beginning. There could have been some flow of emotions here( like: I wiped off tears from my face or something). I am just trying to help, but you have got to find your way yourself. Secondly, telling everything like this seemed bit of boring to me. It mostly looks like you are listing things, particularly verbs. I grabbed that, took out that. I used to do that a lot myself back then, but now I have got out of it. Just 'Show don't Tell'. If this Showing not Telling thing confused you, then just read this article.[url=http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic41426.html] Show and Tell[/ul] This helped me a lto, and I am sure it would help you out too.

Grammar:
Well, if we come to grammar in particular then there weren't much mistakes but there was this one which can really be annoying sometimes.
You just join phrases which could have been easily been two three sentences with a comma, when they should be separate. Putting comma is essential but putting it everywhere is not the right thing. You should do some research as to where to put it. Then this story would look more smooth and more fun to read.

Dialog:
Just because you include so many of commas in them, they seem unrealistic. Also, you go on with the dialog without any rest. Like when she was muttering all this to B.j then you could have stopped the dialog somewhere and then told us what was happening then. What she noticed? How she was feeling and all?
Just an example: "We had this huge fight and she decided to kick me out. I mean this is her house, so she can do anything," I said with a sarcastic hinge to my tone. "I hope all turns out to be good."


As for the good things, I really like the story line and the plot. I just hope that you don't stop posting and writing this. Do continue with it as this has really awoken my interests. I would love to see what happens.

As this a story of a disoriented story, so you need to put in more emotions, her sorrows and griefs in length. This would just make the story more interesting to read. Well, I hope you include all of her pains.

Going off for now. Would try to review chapter two on Wednesday.

~Shubhi :

I read a lot of stories like this, where the main character is being kicked out of her house for whatever reason. The first thing I always ask when I stumble across this kind of story is: why? If this takes place in a modern, first-world country (America, England, Japan, whatever) then child services would pick her up and put up for foster care/adoption, especially since her parents didn't just disappear. One went to jail, the other is a druggie who would've been caught when the father was tossed in jail. If there's no other reason that she's off on her own other than to make a story out of it, you may want to reconsider your reasoning

Mysty wrote:I read a lot of stories like this, where the main character is being kicked out of her house for whatever reason. The first thing I always ask when I stumble across this kind of story is: why? If this takes place in a modern, first-world country (America, England, Japan, whatever) then child services would pick her up and put up for foster care/adoption, especially since her parents didn't just disappear. One went to jail, the other is a druggie who would've been caught when the father was tossed in jail. If there's no other reason that she's off on her own other than to make a story out of it, you may want to reconsider your reasoning

Her mother just started she hasnt been on her whole life.
Thankss tho' <3=)

Hey Libby! I'm Penni, here to review.

[spoiler]

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:I grabbed my medium sized duffel bag out my closet. I threw everything I would probably need until I could come back and the rest. Cigarettes, few changes of clothes, toothbrush, make up bag, cell phone and charger.

How could I forget it?

I thought to myself. I hopped on top of my bed and snapped off the smoke detector where I found the small zip lock baggy with my savings in it: $840.22 made sure I threw it in my bag. I zipped up the duffel bag , slung it over my shoulder and headed for the door. I touched the doorknob "Don't come back," my mom snapped. I paused and just stood there. Turned the knob and walked out the door, making sure it slammed. As I was walking away from the house, I felt her eyes watching me from the window, burning a huge hole in my back.



I waited until I got around the corner before I called my boyfriend, B.J. I sat on a bench at a bus stop. It rang twice before he answered.

"Yo, Babe whasup?" he questioned.

"Me and my Mom got into a huge fight can I come there? She kicked me out, I didn't know who else to call?" I didn't even realize I was crying until I heard it in my voice.

"Wait Babe, slow down! Where are you?" he exclaimed, panicky.

"21'st and Liberty,"

"I'm on my way; stay there!" he said as he hung up.



I'm kicked out with nowhere to go, I'm only 16, with only $840.22 to my name, I have school and work. My brother's in jail for gun possession. My Dad's in prison for drug dealing. My mom's a crazy, bi-polar, junkie, who's on meth. How could my life go so down hill in 2 years? From Doing pretty good to doing pretty horrible?

I silently thought to myself. The depression started to set in. So, I did what I do best. I took my iPod out my pocket, started listening to Guns N Roses. I pulled out a carton of New Ports and lit a cigarette up, inhaled like it was the best thing. "God, I have to quit," I whispered to myself. No more than 2 minutes later, B.j. pulled up in his red 67' Camaro.



"I got here as fast as I could! Okay, Are you okay?, What happened, Babe? I want all the details and pass me that cigarette," he said as I climbed in.

I rolled down the window, threw it out, and rolled the window back up.

" So, I woke up around 10:00, got dressed. It was about 11:30 when I left to go visit my brother Cash, at the prison. When I got home it was about 1:25 because I stopped at Arby's to get a bite to eat. I automatically started cleaning because I didn't wanna argue with my mom. I did all the laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, and the front room. My mom was getting home around 3:45, and I was just starting on the dishes. Everything seemed okay, but, she started telling me she was mad. She'd gotten into a fight with her boss. Somehow that turned into a fight about the dishes not being done. I told her how she was being unappreciated and always has an attitude with me for no reason. After that, she basically cussed me out and told me to get out." I sighed, thinking of how she screwed my day off work and summer school up.

"Wow, Victoria. So, she just fucking kicked you out? That's crazy." We pulled into his driveway. He got out, came around, and opened the door for me as I got out, then took my bag and carried it for me. B.j.'s always been a really good boyfriend. More like the best. He's my first real boyfriend, and I'm lucky to have him. We got to his front door when I looked up at him.



"B.j., Where is your shirt at?" we both laughed.

"Well, I'd been working out all day, I got home, took a shower and just changed into basketball shorts. When you called crying, it worried me, so I grabbed shoes and left." we both were still laughing when his front door opened and his parents were standing there.

"We thought that was you! Come in. You don't even have a shirt on, boy!" his Dad mentioned.

"Hello, Mr. Gonzalez, Mrs. Gonzalez. How are you?"

"We're fine, come in, come in!" they answered in unison. They both looked at each other, and a grin creeped upon their faces.

I walked into the mason-like home that put me in awe every time I walked in . I sat on the couch.

"What's going on? B.j.'s Dad asked.

"What do you mean?" me and B.j. answered in unison, then laughed.

"Well your face is red from what looks like crying, B.j. left in a really big hurry with no shirt on, and he's also carrying a big duffel bag. So, what's going on? Are you pregnant?" he sounded annoyed, worried, and a little upset.

Mrs.Gonzalez just stood there behind her husband, looking like she wanted to say exactly what he was telling me.

"Well, I guess I should start from the beginning huh? Then we could figure something out about my uh, situation." I replied nervously.

Ok, so first things first: B.J. is capitalized! Always! I can't stress this enough. And, please, watch your punctuation.
It should be: "Well, I guess I should start from the beginning, huh? Then we can figure out something about my, uh, situation," I replied nervously.

Always keep this in mind when writing dialogue.

Also, if you scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on "101 Tips for Writers", I think that'd really help.

PM me if you have any question/comments. xx Penni xx