Elle (Chapter 6)

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Hey Readers! I am sorry for the length. As you read on, I am referring to the continent where this is taking place as Arai. I didn't mention it earlier since I was still figuring out what I wanted to name it. If you think you have a better name, I will be glad to hear it! Thanks for reading! Again, sorry for length! (:

Chapter 6, Divide:

My mind felt frozen in one memory, the memory of seeing the faces of the men that I murdered. I couldn’t help but shudder and shy away from the thought. I knew that it was inevitable for me to have to kill to protect myself, but it never occurred to me that I would feel unbearable guilt. Those men could have had families back home and they were just trying to provide food for them.

Thinking of such made me feel weepy and nauseous. My arms were held tight around me, holding myself together. Trenton, every now and then, would whisper comforting words in my ear, telling me it was going to be alright. I never could respond.

I felt grief for the poor civilian who stumbled over the scene, having to witness my destruction. They don’t deserve that image to be molded into their thoughts, like it has with mine. It isn’t right.

“I’m a horrible person, Trenton. I shouldn’t be living.” I shuddered.

Trenton looked at me, then returned his gaze to ahead of him. He said, “No, you do deserve to live. Those
men didn’t. They were trying to capture, possible kill you.”

“I ended those men’s lives when they could have had a family who needs them back home. I have no right.” Tears started dripping down my cheeks.

Trenton sighed, “Stop putting this guilt on yourself when it isn’t needed.”

I tried to object, but I was cut off by Trenton.

“We are coming up on Alden.” Trenton managed to take my mind of things.

Suddenly, I could feel my blood soaked coat and dress weigh down. “I can’t possibly walk into Alden with my own blood plastered on my back.”

Trenton stopped and turned me around so that he faced my back. He turned me back so that I was looking at him and he said, “I will go to Alden alone and I bring you back a new dress. We could then pass through together when I get back.”

A little shocked at his solution, I said, “No. Not after what we just went through, I don’t want to be alone.”

“You have too. It won’t take long at all,” Trenton tried reassuring me. It wasn’t working.

I turned to my right and peered through the trees, seeing the great stone wall of Alden.

“Trust me. If you hide deep in the bushes, no one will find you,” Trenton continued.

“No. I don’t want to be scared like that again, thinking that you or myself may die. It was unbearable. I will not let you go alone,” I said with finality.

“I have to. Wouldn’t it cause suspicion if you walked into Alden with blood covering your body?” Trenton wasn’t giving up.

“Why can’t we go around?” I tried to find someway to prevent Trenton going alone.

“It would take longer than a day to get around. One day wasted.” Trenton threw up his arms.

“It is worth it then.” I crossed my arms.

“What happens when we get to the Capitol? It’s monitored constantly, in and around the city. How do you expect to get around that? We have to travel through some civilizations sometime.”

“We aren’t discussing with that right now.” I huffed.

“Then what are we discussing right now?” Trenton was getting furious.

“Why you shouldn’t go into Alden alone.”

“Why does it matter? If you go with me, we will get caught. If I went, brought you back a new dress and coat, and you stayed hidden here, it is a lesser chance of that happening.”

“What if you get caught?”

Trenton hesitated before saying, “You will go on without me.”

I tried to argue with this, but he stopped me.

“In any situation, if I get caught, injured, or I tell you to run, you run. Don’t wait for me. Don’t turn back. The only thing that matters is that you get to the elves.” Trenton looked up at the treetops.

“But, I-” I tried to say.

“No. Promise me that if... if I tell you to run, you do so. Even if you think you could save me, or help me in any way, I want you to promise me you won’t.” Trenton looked at me expectantly.

I couldn’t come to say it. I couldn’t promise.

“Please, Elle, just promise me this,” Trenton begged.

I glimpsed at my feet so I wouldn’t have to look Trenton in the eyes. “I promise.”

“Good,” Trenton said, ending this conversation. I knew that he would go into Alden without me, and nothing would change that now.

I managed to catch up to him, trailing behind him, keeping a distance. Trenton didn’t seem to notice. Once the trees began to thin, he turned to me and told me to hide in the bushes and hide myself.

“Make sure that you aren’t visible.” Trenton forced me into some bushes and undergrowth.

“What if someone sees me?” I ask, eyes growing large.

Trenton looked back at Alden, then to me and said, “If they threaten to harm you, defend yourself and leave me behind. If I don’t come back by sunset,” Trenton paused, “Get yourself out of here and to the elves.”

“No, I will not leave you behind,” I objected.

Trenton looked at me, holding my gaze, “You have too. You promised.”

I leaned my head against a tree trunk that was hiding me somewhat.

“I will try to make it back soon,” Trenton said, starting to disappear through the trees. I wanted to call after him, but it was too late.

Fear began to claw at me, digging me raw. The feeling was vulnerability, nothing protecting me. I knew perfectly well that I could defend myself, but I couldn’t convince myself of that. It was a fight that I couldn’t win, a fight against myself. It was quite obvious I was more powerful than an average man, but could I defeat one who is stronger than me? This logic seemed impossible, something that I would have to do.

Why didn’t my grandmother inform me that I would be used as a weapon? A weapon to take down the King himself? I deserve to know such things, if they are bad or good. Did she think that I wouldn’t agree to this? That I would run away? She thought wrong. I am going to the elves, I will end this war.

Something caught my attention. A low clink sound of metal being hit together. I hid further behind the tree trunk, camouflaging myself even better in the bush.

“They must be near here,” a deep voice said out of my range of vision.

“Unless they took a different route so they wouldn’t have to come across Alden,” another said. The clank of armor and voices were getting closer.

“That wouldn’t make sense. They don’t have much time.” the voices were almost near me. Panic and fear began controlling my thoughts.

“Wait,” the smaller of the two said while bending down into the dirt, sketching his finger along the ground. “I think I found a footprint.”

“It may be the boys; it looks way too large to be the Mover’s,” the larger, deep voiced servant bent to look at the footprint. My muscles locked.

“This print is still fresh. They must be around here somewhere.” The smaller of the two lifted up his helmet, showing dark hair sticking to his scalp. He looked around, trying to find any clue. For a second, I thought he caught my eye peeking through the brush that shielded me.

The larger one stood up again, following Trenton’s prints. He followed them, seeing mine as well. I began creeping back further.

“The boy continued South. The Mover didn't follow.” the larger servant observed, looking back at his fellow comrade.

They both followed my footprints, further and further. My breathing began catching, causing ragged breaths. As they got closer, they ripped their swords out of their sheaths, ready at a moments notice. I remembered what Trenton told me, defend myself it I feel threatened in any way. The smaller one put his helmet on, the larger one pushing a branch out of his way.

I crept deeper into the foliage, ready to sprint. They began pushing away more and more branches as they tracked my footprints. Turning, I was on my hands and knees, constantly looking behind me. My hand pressed against a branch, causing it to snap. The sound halted the servants, their gaze converted to where I hid. I knew that I was given away, so I stumbled onto my feet and began running deeper into the trees.

My eyes caught a glimpse of the servants behind while ahead of me, the undergrowth grew thicker, making it harder to run through. As my mind was jumbled with the emotions of panic, stress, and fright, it came across the thought of Trenton. I couldn’t leave him, even if he insisted on it. It seemed irrevocable for me to do so, going while Trenton stays without any safety, now that I know that he is a target as well.

If he knew what I have gotten myself into, he would be furious, but it was worth it. Ahead of me, a tree curved at a proper angle, curling towards me. Using air to help me along, I bolted head on at the tree, my feet hooking onto the bark. My feet skimmed the trunk and soon into the branches. When the tree began curving, I twisted around and jumped off, landing behind the servants. Their looks were awe, amazement, and anger. I ran directly back in the direction I started from, making a loop.

The sun was slowly starting to be replaced by night. Trenton should be back soon. I swerved through the forest which was starting to thin. Through the trees, I could see Trenton holding a folded piece of tan cloth, a bow on his back along with arrows. He looked frantic, searching the bushes for me.

“Trenton!” I screamed. He looked up at his name, seeing me hurtling toward him. Relief covered his face which quickly turned to confusion. I halted quickly so that I stood next to Trenton.

“What’s wrong?” Trenton searched my face for any answer.

The shouts and ring of metal against metal broke through the trees. Trenton looked into it’s direction, then back at me. His jaw clenched.

“What did you do?” Trenton went stiff.

“Not now.” I said, trying to drag Trenton along. The servants were closing in. I searched the treetops for any canopy that may have been thick enough to hide us.

“Come on!” I heard a servant holler.

I Moved air to shoot Trenton up a random tree that looked dense enough to hide us well. Behind him, I jumped to the same height Trenton reached. Below us, the servants kept running down the path that we would have taken. I held my breath.

“What did you do?” Trenton almost hissed.

I turned to look at him, his whole body hard and cold looking.

“What did you do?” Trenton repeated.

“They found your footprints and mine and followed them to where I hid.” I explained.

“I told you... I told you to defend yourself. To not wait for me.” Trenton held my gaze.

“I couldn’t. I had to come back,” I said, now feeling defensive.

“No you didn’t! You could have gotten killled!” Trenton scared me.

“Then why did you leave me then if you thought I would get killed?” I accused.

Trenton looked furious, a look I never have seen him show. He was shaking, his fists clenched as he said, “You were too noticeable in your dress.” Trenton shoved the tan cloth at me.

I ripped it out of his grip, and went further up the tree so Trenton couldn’t see me as I changed out of my dress and coat into this new one. Surprisingly, it fit well. In my hands, I held the dress that was my mother’s, now torn and filthy. I folded it neatly and balanced it on a branch with the coat. I would leave it here so that it would be safe from travelers and animals.

My hands swung off the upper branch and caught the lower one so that I was next to Trenton again. He appeared to have calmed down. Trenton used the trunk of the tree as a rest to keep himself balanced. Next to him, hooked on a branch, was his new bow with it’s arrows. The breeze caught the tree, swaying us back and forth. I peered through the pine needles and branches at the setting sun. The sky itself looked painted with golds, pinks and light oranges and ended in a shimmery purple; the bright sun seemed to be resting on the hillside.


I collected my abnormal blonde hair at the base of my neck and twisted it to the front. In my peripheral vision, Trenton was taking quick glances at me, his deep brown hair hiding some of his eyes. My eyes turned away and focused on the scenery.

The sun seemed to dapple every plant and life with the glowing orange. I couldn’t help but feel peaceful; complete. I closed my eyes, soaking in the light. The sun almost seemed to consume me, making me feel warm from it’s touch.

“Elle?” Trenton broke my thoughts.

“Hmm?” I hummed.

Trenton hesitated, “Why didn’t you leave without me?”

Taken by surprise with his question, I opened my eyes and to look at him. He seemed puzzled, maybe even hopeful? I said, “It didn’t seem right.”

“Even after I told you to?” Trenton was unsatisfied with my last answer.

I shifted so that I was facing him more directly, my brows bent in thought. I explained, “After all that you did for me, it felt like... betrayal.” I paused, and began again, “I couldn’t. Something held me back.”

Trenton took in what I said, leaning his head against the trunk. He still seemed unsatisfied, like he wanted me to admit to something. Still preoccupied with his thoughts, Trenton dug into our pack, searching for the water skin. He found it and took a gulp from it with some leftover bread. Trenton offered me some water and bread and I took it.

I couldn’t help but wonder what Trenton wanted me to admit, the real reason why I turned back. Did I know the real reason? What was the reason? Was I hiding it from myself? To distract myself from the thought, I said, “The servants are looking for you now.”

“Oh?” Trenton still gazed at our surroundings.

“They have found out that you are with me.” I chewed my last bit of bread.

Trenton seemed to study me, almost strategically. I felt awkward, my cheeks feeling flushed. “When we enter Alden, make sure your hair is not visible, your eyes as well.”

“My hair?” I intertwined my fingers through my straight hair.

“Yes,” Trenton chuckled.

“Why?” I asked.

“The servants are starting to describe you on the wanted posters as completely pale, abnormally even. It would be quite easy to find you in a crowd,” Trenton explained.

I nodded, folding my hands against my lap. It was reasonable, I suppose. Many people who occupy Arai share the same feature with dark hair, olive skin, and coal colored eyes. Not many people of Arai have blue eyes, except for the few including Trenton. I am the opposite with blonde-nearly white- hair with gray eyes and light skin. It would be too easy to find me in a crowd.

“You're right. Especially now that I was seen by servants. Alden must be warned by now, possibly more heavily guarded.” I picked at some bark on a branch.

Trenton didn’t respond; he continued taking sips from the water skin which was almost empty. I would need to fill it again soon.

I peered at him from the corner of my eye, becoming curious again. Through his thick, brown hair, I could spot the sharp etch of his scar. Then I began thinking, Trenton was almost a perfect stranger. I had little to no information about him and his childhood. It was hard to follow my previous rule about not prodding him to much.

“I know this isn’t relevant, but what was your childhood like?” I questioned, honestly curious.

Trenton smiled and looked at me, and said, “Different. Enough adventure to last a lifetime. What was yours like?”

I smiled back and began, “Mine was filled with education from the day I began speaking. I never knew then I would be here today, that's for sure.”

Trenton seemed to be lost in thought, and began chuckling to himself. From my puzzled look, he explained, “When I was eight, my father and I went fishing at a creek near the town we lived in at the time. I cast my line out, my father already had. Suddenly, something caught his line, pulling hard. My father couldn’t keep his foot planted in the rock and was soon ankle-deep in the water. He lost his footing on a slippery rock and was in the creek, completely drenched.”

I laughed, more like a half-hearted laugh. It didn’t seem to humor me as much as it did Trenton.

“We didn’t catch anything that day.” Trenton stopped his laughing. He looked at me, studying almost. “Did you have any fun when you were a kid?”

I thought back to some memories from when I was young, the only one coming up was when I was studying air. “When I was starting to master air, I was beginning to Move it and accidently caused a powerful wind. The wind whipped through the woods circling our home, toppling trees over, numerous at a time. When I finally ended it, there was easily ten on the ground. My grandmother didn’t mind, luckily. This was when I was thirteen.” I smiled at the memory. It amazed me how that was three, short years ago.

Trenton seemed a little amused by my story, not as much as he was with his own. I didn’t mind; it was nice to have a normal conversation with him. Until the sky was dark enough that the only thing letting us see were the lanterns on the wall of Alden, we continued with stories of our childhood. None of which were about Trenton’s scar, which made me more curious. All were stories of he and his father.

“Get some rest.” Trenton said.

“I’m okay-” I tried to object, but Trenton gave me a look, so I stopped.

On my branch, I wiggled around trying to find a comfortable position. It was odd sleeping in a tree, like I was a bird. I found the only comfortable position was sitting up against the trunk and my feet hooked around another smaller branch that protruded out from the larger one. Somehow I managed to find sleep, despite that I was in a tree.
Last edited by kr1117 on Tue Jul 20, 2010 10:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Katie ^-^




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honey !! you honestly have to stop apologize for the freaking length!!! it's AMAZING!!!!
The talent of an amazing writer, they can convey any emotion, make you feel thing's you've never felt, and help you understand that which you thought you never would.

"Not all who wander are lost."
Tolkien




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Hi, kr117! bluewaterlily here to review your story.

I felt grief for the poor civilian who stumbles over the scene, having to witness my destruction.
Stumbles should be stumbled.

“You have too. It won’t take long at all.” Trenton tried reassuring me. It wasn’t working.
That period should be a comma.


"Trust me. If you hide deep in the bushes, no one will find you.” Trenton continued.

Again, that period should be a comma.

“No. I don’t want to be scared like that again, thinking that you or myself may die. It was unbearable. I will not let you go alone.” I said with finality.
Change that period to a comma.

“Please, Elle, just promise me this.” Trenton begged.
That period is supposed to be a comma.

I glimpsed at my feet so I wouldn’t have to look Trenton in the eyes, “I promise.”
That comma should be a period.

“Good.” Trenton said, ending this conversation. I knew that he would go into Alden without me, and nothing would change that now.
Change that period to a comma.

Trenton looked back at Alden, then to me and said, “If they threaten to harm you, defend yourself and leave me behind. If I don’t come back by sunset,” Trenton paused, “Get yourself out of here, and to the elves.”
That comma isn't needed.

“No, I will not leave you behind.” I objected.
That period is supposed to be a comma.

“I will try to make it back soon.” Trenton said, starting to disappear through the trees. I wanted to call after him, but it was too late.
Change that period to a comma.

It was quit obvious I was more powerful than an average man, but could I defeat one who is stronger than me?
Don't you mean quite?

Something caught my attention. A low clink sound of metal being hit together. I hid further behind the tree trunk, camouflaging even better in the brush.
I think the last part could be worded better like this:camouflaging myself even better in the bush.

“They must be near here.A deep voice said out of my range of vision.
That period should be a comma and A should be lowercase.

“Wait,” The smaller of the two said while bending down into the dirt, sketching his finger along the ground. “I think I found a footprint.”
That T should be lowercase.

“It may be the boys, it looks way to large to be the Mover’s.” The larger, deep voiced servant bent to look at the footprint. My muscles locked.
That comma should be a semicolon, and to should be too.

“This print is still fresh. They must be around here somewhere.” The smaller of the two lifted up his helmet, showing dark hair sticking to his scalp. He looked around, trying to find any clue. For a second, I thought he caught my eye peeking behind the tree.
Tree? But I thought she was hiding in a bush. :?

“The boy continued South. The Mover didn't follow.The larger servant observed, looking back at his fellow comrade. That period should be a comma and The should be lowercase.

If he knew what I have gotten myself into, he would be furious, but it is worth it.
Is should be was.

“I couldn’t. I had to come back.” I said, now feeling defensive.
Change that period to a comma.

Trenton looked furious, a look I never have seen him show. He was shaking, his fists clenched as he said, “You were to noticeable in your dress.” Trenton shoved the tan cloth at me.
To should be too.

He looked to have calmed down.
This isn't worded right. It should be: He appeared to have calmed down.

The sky itself looked painted with golds, pinks and light oranges andended in a shimmery purple; the bright sun seeming to be resting on the hillside.
Ans should have a comma after it, and seeming should be seemed.

Hmm?” I hum.
Hum should be hummed.

Taken by surprise with his question, I open my eyes and look at him. He seemed puzzled; maybe even hopeful? I said, “It didn’t seem right.”
Opened should be opened and that semicolon should be a comma.

I shifted so that I was facing him more directly, my brows bent in thought. I explained, “After all that you did for me, it felt like... Betrayal.” I paused, and began again, “I couldn’t. Something held me back.”
betrayal should be lowercase.

Trenton offered me some water and bread and I took it.
There should be a comma after and.

Trenton seemed to study me, almost strategically. I felt awkward, my cheeks feeling flushed. “When we enter Alden, make sure your hair is not visible; your eyes as well.”
That semicolon should be a comma.

“Yes.” Trenton chuckled.
That period should be a comma.

“The servants are starting to describe you on the wanted posters as completely pale; abnormally even. It would be quit easy to find you in a crowd.” Trenton explained
That semicolon should be a comma, quit should be quite, and that period should be a comma.

Your right. Especially now that I was seen by servants. Alden must be warned by now; possibly more heavily guarded.” I pick at some bark on a branch.

Your should be You're, and that semicolon should be a comma, and pick should be picked.


Through his thick brown hair, I could spot the sharp etch of his scar.
There should be a comma btween thick and brown.

Then I began thinking, Trenton was almost a perfect stranger.
Thought should be italicized.

Trenton smiled and looked at me, and said, “Different. Enough adventure to last a lifetime. What was yours like?”
I smiled back and began, “Mine was filled with education from the day I began speaking. I never knew then I would be here today, that's for sure.”
You're supposed to start a new paragraph after i smiled...

I laughed; more like a half-hearted laugh. It didn’t seem to humor me as much as it did Trenton
That semicolon should be a comma.

thought back to some memories from when I was young, the only one coming up was when I was studying air. “When I was starting to master air, I was beginning to Move it and accidentally caused a powerful wind. The wind whipped through the woods circling our home, toppling trees over, numerous at a time. When I finally ended it, there was easily ten on the ground. My grandmother didn’t mind, luckily. This was when I was thirteen; three years ago.” I smiled at the memory.
That semicolon should be a comma.

I didn’t mind, it was nice to have a normal conversation with him.
That comma should be a semicolon.

All were stories of him and his father.
The proper way to write this is: he and his father.

Overall: Another well written chapter. The story flowed smoothly, and your descriptions were nice,as was your dialogue. And Elle's relationship with Trenton is growing interesting, so keep uo with that. However, your punctuation and capitalization could use a little more work. That was most of the errors in this review. Also, your sentence structure and wording could use a tiny bit more works. Some of your sentences were confusing and /or worded awkwardly. In a few days, I'll do another review for the sentence structure. You also switched tenses. But all these things can be overlooked since this was a great chapter. Send me a P.M. if you need another review or if you need help with anything. Good luck with your writing~bluewaterlily. :)
"A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language." - W.H. Auden




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Thanks! (: I will start doing some editing, (:
Katie ^-^




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You'rew welcome. Sorry, I haven't replied. I haven't viewed this chapter in a week. BTW, I read Chapter 7 and I'm about to review that.
"A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language." - W.H. Auden



We all share half a braincell that bounces like a windows screensaver
— WeepingWisteria