The Diary Of Jane (Chp. 2 )

Bitter Taste

Chapter 2


It doesn't hurt to think of her that much, but I can still hear my parents crying late at night. Air turns cold sometimes, and I can still hear a faint sound of someone one saying 'Pretty, Alex.' And I'll fall asleep with dreams of Jane in my head.
Today is March 13th. Something was strange about today, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I pace my room and then I have an idea. I can go into the attic while my parents think I'm at school. Then, when they go to work I can go up stairs and look around. Perfect.
Not a moment to soon, I ran outside into the alley and hid there, across the street I saw my moms car leave, then my dad. I ran back across the street into my house which I opened with a lock magnet, don't ask me where I got it from. I found it, I swear.
I darted up the steps two at a time. I came up to a door that had a lock on it, the magnet wouldn't work on it so I went into my parents room and Iooked for a key that would fit. I twisted the door knob and went in.
I saw a lot of boxes but the ones I was looking for didn't have anything on it, it was just blank. And they were open. I peeked inside of one and there was a picture of Jane and an old diary, I picked it up and read the back, it read:

'Jane Mary Carter,
12 years old, Manson Dr.'

A tear streaked from my eye. Then I voice behind me said, " What are you doing up here?" I stood there frozen, it sounded like my mother, I turned slowly...talking slowly.
"This is my sister, mom! This is-," When I looked up I saw that it wasn't my mom, it was someone who I remembered, someone who looked like my mom but had see-through skin. I gasped. It was Jane.

Dude, you did an awesome job on this story & i have to say I love it!

Hello there!

This is a very interesting idea, and I wasn't expecting the end at all! It gave me a shock
However, I think that this does need a bit of tweaking and changing it to make it even better.

I'll start off with the nitpicks:

and I can still hear a faint sound of someone one saying

You repeated 'one' here.

Today is March 13th. Something was strange about today, I just couldn't put my finger on it.

Should be March thirteenth. Also, you changed from present to past tense.

I can go up stairs and look around.

Upstairs is one word.

Not a moment to soon, I ran outside into the alley and hid there, across the street I saw my moms car leave, then my dad.

I'm confused. The MC just said: I can go into the attic while my parents think I'm at school. Then, when they go to work I can go up stairs and look around. Perfect. And now she's going to the alley? I don't understand. You need to be consistent in your ideas, otherwise it can get confusing.
Oh and 'to' should be 'too'.
...and you changed back in to past tense.

so I went into my parents room and Iooked for a key that would fit.

*and looked

I saw a lot of boxes but the ones I was looking for didn't have anything on them, they were just blank.

Corrections in red.

I peeked inside of one and there was a picture of Jane and an old diary. I picked it up and read the back. It read:

It would be good to have a description of Jane here, of what she looked like in the picture.

Then a voice behind me said,
"What are you doing up here?" I stood there frozen, it sounded like my mother, I turned slowly...talking slowly.

Make sure to make a new line every time someone speaks. Also, I'm not sure 'talking slowly' works here. I'd just leave it as 'I turned slowly.'

someone who looked like my mom but had see-through skin.

More description? Just knowing she had see-through skin sounds kind of cliché. Not all ghosts have to look that way. (sorry if that sounds harsh).

I gasped. It was Jane.

A very effective way to end. I almost gasped on reading this. Almost.

Well that's all for nitpicks.

Overall:

As I said before, this is very interesting and the ending was certainly unexpected. However, I think that you could develop the MC a little more, because for now we know nothing about her apart from the loss of her sister. Does she have friends, does she get on with her parents? How old is she? If you could fill in these gaps then it would be a lot easier to understand her.
Also, I think you should expand your descriptions. It would be great to get a description of Jane, and also little things, like how when you said that there was something strange about today, maybe you could describe the weather, the atmosphere?
I also think that you need to re-read, re-read ad re-read again. I know it's a pain but that way you could avoid the punctuation and grammar mistakes. Be careful with tenses too, and the actual consistancy of the plot.

That all said, this makes for a good read and with a few changes it could be very good.

Hope I helped, and keep writing!!

~Lilicia