My worst fear.

I couldn't sleep very well last night, no, more like someone put rock in bed. With the pain in my back. I don't even feel so good, I wonder why... Is like a poison fell in my room and poison me while I was asleep. I want to stay here. But my mom force me to go a doctor.

"Agnes, we have to take you to the doctor." mom said while hold and struggling my arm.

"But mom, I don't want to. I feel a lot better. Look at me. I'm fine." Then I cough real hard.

"No, you're not fine. Now, get in the car."

I groan. "Okay."

We didn't talk along the way. My mom doesn't have to be so pushy when I get sick. But, when I did get this cough and this really high fever. I feel so dizzy.

"Okay, Agnes. Get out of the car while I look to park my car." said mom while she stop at the enter of the hospital.

"Mom... I can't move... I feel dizzy." I groan while talking to her.

It took one doctor to take me to the sick people room. Mom was outside talking with his best friend. I lie down in bed, couldn't feel my body like there were shutting down. I staring to dream with my father, again, when I was 13 year old. I dreamt that my dad say that someday, he would appear in one of my dream.

"Agnes, why you're in the hospital?"

How he knew that I was in the hospital. He's like psychic. I try to talk to him but, I couldn't find my voice and he started to disappear in pitch hole black. Until I heard a sweet, calm voice in the room. I try to open my eyes but they don't want to like a mom force a kid to eat vegetable. I try my hard to open them and manage to open them.

"AHHH!!"

"Oh, sorry if I scare you but I have to check you're fiver." said a young woman.

I think she's the doctor. Her hair is like yellow flower just bloom in middle of spring. Her eyes remind my father. Her skin is very but very pale like a snow falling from the sky.

"Okay, I'm done. You don't fiver. But I have to give you the needle." said young woman.

"Wait! Before you start to poke me with that thing. What's you're name?" I ask.

"Oh, how rude me. I'm doctor Maria. and I know you're name, Agnes."

"Where is my mom?"

"She is waiting for you, in the waiting room."

I didn't say anything but I'm terrified needles.

"Oh, wait. I can't give you the needle." said Maria, with a face surprise.

"Why?"

"Cause I have a reunion with my boss but I'll do it when my reunion is over."

"Oh, okay." I said, half smiled.

She turn on my back and went to the door. She was gone. Her face, remind me J.D.'s face. could she be J.D.'s mother. No. If she is, I should have ask her before she going to her reunion.



It's was 3:00 p.m. She is still in that reunion and I have to stay here, for waiting. She is like my mother. Always slowly when she doesn't remember where she put the keys. Until I heard a footstep near my door. I though it was her, but I pretend to act like I was waiting for her. I heard door nob, shaking like a criminal wants to get inside so badly. But if it my mom, don't freak out.

"I'm sorry, if I took longer. Is my boss, always talk so slow." said Maria with a face a laugh

I looked at her, confuse. But she stop laugh and quickly pick up the needle.

"Hey... Maria."

She turned her head at me. "Yes?" She ask.

"Do you have a family? A husband? or son and a daughter?" Here we go again, asking like a total idiot who wants to know another person, who was a family.

"Yes, but I can't tell you."

"Why?"

"Is against my family rules. I can't anyone if I don't get to know them."

"Oh." Now, I feel so guilty.

Maria came to me with the needle and grab my arm. I move my head, little to my left shoulder. Maria injected the needle in my right arm. The pain. It hurt. Like a snake bit you but with one fang. Maria lift the needle off of my arm. But somehow, I can still feel the pain. She put the needle in the table and pick a napkin. She gently brush it in my arm and put a bandage.

"Okay, you're ready to go, but before you go. Let's me give you a note for the school."

Right, a note for school why I was absent. But she is very nice. She finish the note and give it to me. I pick it up and put it in my jacket's pocket.

"Hope you heal real soon." said Maria with a little grin on her face.

"Thanks." I said with a half smiled.

I got out at the hospital and mom was waiting for me in parking lot.

"Everything fine?" mom ask, wondering if the doctor did something bad.

"Yes, and she gave me the note for being absent today in school."

"Oh, let's go home."

I got inside of the car and mom turned on the car. Is was very quiet along the way. No even a sound of my mom talking about her friend or something. She is giving me a goose bump, that I shudder. Until my cellphone rang. But I ignore it.

"Agnes, you should answer the cellphone." said mom, she must heard my phone ringing.

"But mom, it's say unknown person name. I can't answer if I don't know the name." I whine like a dog.

"Answer it, is giving a headache." wow, now, she sound very mad.

I pick up the cellphone.

"Who is this?" without saying hello or who I'm talking to, but I didn't want my mom to get more mad.

"Is J.D."

No way. But, where he got my phone number. I don't really want to talk to him. "Where did you get my cellphone?" Do I even bother to ask.

"Aida, you're friend gave me you're phone, number. I hope you're not mad at her." said J.D. with a smooth voice.

"No, I'm not mad at her." I lied.

"Oh, great... um... see you tomorrow?"

"Um... yeah."

I quickly cut the call, leaving him the beep. Why I didn't bother to tell him if he want to tell me. He's really a cute guy. With that spike, not long dark hair. And his eyes are like leaf, growing in spring. And his skin is very like Maria type of her skin. Wait! Stop daydream. You know, you can't have him. He want to have time alone when he decide to have a girlfriend or not. But he's so very nice and a cool guy. But, why does he has other friend? Like, maybe, Alexander or Carl. I saw them talking with J.D. like there were best friend. But I can't hardly wait to see my friends. To see Aida for giving him my phone number without asking me.

This ia nice piece, but you need to work on your dialogue punctuation and your verb tenses. I tried to find a decent tutorial in Writing Tips forum, but I couldn't find one in the spur of the moment.

Lavvi

Hi there.

I'd like to start with agreeing with Lavvi on your dialogue and verb tenses, the tenses first because they're more of a problem. It's not so much you're switching between tenses, it's that there's absolutely no proper syntax for present tense narration. You have present tense words in narration and phrasing that normally uses words in the past tense. This makes your story extremely difficult to read. I'm so distracted by the fact that I'm unsure what tense you were trying to achieve that it's difficult to focus on what you're trying to say. So determine which tense you want to use, then study how sentences in that tense are structured. What suffixes get added to what words? What verbs are used? Do certain verbs change when in a different tense? Try to find patterns and things will be a lot less confusing, and a lot easier to remember.

The problem with the dialogue mostly stems from the above, but another thing that's wrong with it is the fact that the phrasing sounds so artificial, even if I ignore the tense problems. I can't imagine anyone in real life saying things like this, and it's completely devoid of emotion too. This is because you've used words or word combinations that you simply don't hear people say in everyday speech. It's also punctuated weird, making your characters sound like they're talking. Like a malfunctioning robot.

What I think would be good for you to do is to actually listen to how people talk and how their speech changes in different situations. Take note of any patterns you hear. How many contractions are used? What words come up in all levels of formality and which ones are restricted? You don't have to remember every single word and contraction, just enough so you get a general feel for how people speak and how you can put that into writing. You can also try reading your sentences aloud and see if they sound natural to you, or read aloud to someone else.

The last thing I would like to address is how I think you should put any dialogue-style thoughts into italics. In the last paragraph the thoughts of the main character look to be represented by a series of different voices arguing, but it's difficult to follow. This is because we suddenly snap from normal narration to dialogue-style thoughts with no indication of the transition. Also, because it looks like there are multiple forces at play, make a new paragraph every time a new "person" is thinking, much like you would do for normal dialogue. It'll make things a lot easier on your readers.

All in all, lots of work needed. You might have something good under this, but it's difficult to tell with so many distracting mistakes. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Naydy wrote:I couldn't sleep very well last night, no, more like someone put rock in bed in? I think you mean under, like that fairy tail. also, it's under the mattress, not the bed/b]. With the pain in my back. I don't even feel so good, I wonder why... [b]shouldn't there be a question mark here? Is like a poison fell in my room and poison me while I was asleep. all I got out of that last sentence what "poison"I want to stay here. But replace before with ", but"my mom isforceing me to go a doctor.

"Agnes, we have to take you to the doctor.make period comma" mom said while holding and struggling delete the two words before this, they don't make sensemy arm.

"But mom, I don't want to. I feel a lot better. Look at me. I'm fine." Then delete "then"I cough real hard.

"No, you're not fine. Now, get in the car."

I groan. "Okay."

We didn't talk along the way. My mom doesn't have to be so pushy when I get sick. But, when I did get this cough and this really high fever. I think you are missing a few words in your last sentence I feel so dizzy.

"Okay, Agnes. Get out of the car while I look to park my car." make period commasaid mom while she stop at the enterance of the hospital.

"Mom... I can't move... I feel dizzy." I groan while talking to her.

It took one doctor to take me to the sick people room. irrelevant. maybe just say "I was soon taken to the sick rooms" or somethng like that Mom was outside talking with his best friend. who's best friend? his? your mom is a guy? *confused*I lie down in bed, couldn't feel my body like there were shutting down. what was shutting down? I feel like this sentence is half-gone I staring to dream with with, her father is theremy father, again, again?you didn't do it once beforewhen I was 13 years old. I dreamt that my dad saysaid? that someday, he would appear in one of my dreamso... you drempt that your dad said something would appear in your dream... okay.

"Agnes, why you're replace word before with "are you" in the hospital?"

How he knew that I was in the hospital. what? no. no no no.

Right now I feel like your personal editor, which I shouldn't. There are so many mistakes in this it's unreal. I read it all and get the gist of it, but come on. "How he knew I was in the hospital"? No. Just no. Because no. Did you even read over this at all? It looks to me like you haven't. Read over your stories carefully and get out as many errors as possible before you post it anywhere to be viewed by others. It should not be a chore to read your works, but a pleasure.

Main mistakes:
- Present tense is good and all, but you aren't that good at writing in it. Just taking "ed" off past tense words isn't enough. I suggest writing in past tense and changing this whole story to past tense. You seem to have a better hold on it than present.
- Sentence fragments are okay sometimes to add feeling, but they are way too common in this piece. It looks like you just forgot words often because you were typing so fast. That's not acceptable. Read through your work!
- Watch your pronouns. Sometimes it's hard to tell who "he" or "she" is.

Good points (there were a few):
- At least you didn't use net speak.
- You capitalized your "I"s.
- A nice amount of metaphors and similes.

You have something, but I feel that you don't take the time to edit your own work. That's a simple thing that can mean a lot. No reason to stop writing though. The first five drafts are always the hardest to get through. I wish you luck on your writing journey! (Wow that was cheesy).

~Otaku