The Event

It was about a year ago to this day, my life has changed. I can’t say how it affected me because I am still not sure. It was graduation day and I was so excited; I thought nothing could ruin this day. At least that is what I thought at first. My dad finally obtained a handicapped vehicle he could drive since he was paralyzed from his waist down. I live with him when I was off from school because my college is about 2 hours away. I usually go home on the weekends too. My father became paralyzed 2 years ago when he had a stroke. I was upset but so happy that he didn’t die. He knew what this day meant to me so he decided to drive up to see me walk across the stage and get my diploma. Unless some kind of conflagration occurred he was coming no matter what, which I doubt something like that would ever happen. I was preparing my speech because I was the valedictorian of my class so I had to create a speech. I hate speaking in public it stresses me out.
About an hour later I got a disturbing phone call.
“Hello?” I answered anxiously.
“Hi, is this Elisabeth Daphne?” the man said softly.
“Yes, may I help you?”
“This is Doctor Proctor from Michigan Trauma center I wanted to inform you that your dad, Adam Daphne, has been in a car accident.”
I stood there in shock and disbelief with the phone right next to my ear. I thought it was my entire fault because I shouldn’t have let him drive all the way up here. I started hyperventilating and then the doctor said, “Don’t worry he is in good hands. He is in serious condition but he is stable for now. Also he has been asking for you.”
“Ok, I will be there as soon as possible.” I hung up the phone before he could say anymore. I grabbed my bags and told the dean I had to leave and could not stay for graduation. He gave me my diploma and my other awards and wished me the best of luck in my future, and then I was out of there. I threw my bags into the trunk and started driving from Chicago to Michigan. It took me about 2 hours to get there. When I finally arrived I checked in with the nurse at the front desk. She instructed me that my father was in the ICU. So she gave me a map how to get there since this hospital was huge. When I finally arrived I saw my father on all these fancy machines. I did not know what was going on at that moment, but suddenly the doctor came in.
“Hi, are you Elisabeth?” he asked. I stared at him for a moment and thought wow he was cute.
“Oh, yes I am Elisabeth.” I stuttered. I heard him chuckle under his breath.
“So how is my father?”
“He is in critical condition, but stable. He has a ventilator because his lungs were seriously damaged in the crash. We did a tracheotomy so he can talk to you.”
“Thanks. I really appreciate it.”
I walked up towards my father and said, “Hi dad, its Lizzie.” Lizzie was my nickname, if you were wondering. “Hey, Liz I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your graduation.” He whispered. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you are ok.” I glanced at his face and saw the solemn expression he made after I said that. I knew everything was not ok. I didn’t want to stress him out so I had to be strong. “Oh, did you meet George? He is my neighbor in this room.” He whispered again. I opened the curtain slightly and said hi. “Hi, I’m George.” He said enthusiastically.
He seemed happy to see me for some reason. I went back to my father and asked, “Why is he happy to see me?”
“He is just happy to see someone because no one ever visited him in the hospital.”
“So he has no family?”
“He does but they never came.”
“That is so sad.”
“Why does his family never come?”
“I don’t know Lizzie but talk to him; it might make him feel better.”
“Ok dad.”
I walked over into his room and introduced myself, “Hi I am Elisabeth Daphne.”
“Hi, I am George.”
“So what are you in for?”
“I have congestive heart failure and I am waiting for a heart transplant.”
“I am so sorry to hear that.”
The nurse walked in with more blood and I saw his blood type was AB. I thought AB was the universal recipient for organ donation. I remember that from biology. When the nurse walked out I asked, “Why haven’t you received an organ yet? You have the universal recipient blood type.”
“I don’t know, I guess the organs were bad.”
“Well I hope you get one soon.” Suddenly I heard the machines from my father’s room make a lot of noise. I started to panic. The cute doctor came in and pulled me outside while the nurses were doing something.
“What is going on?” I asked in panic.
“I am sad to say this but your father’s health is declining rapidly. He just went into respiratory arrest.”
“Is there anything you can do?”
“Well I have all your father’s advanced directives. I am confused because he has a DNR and he also signed all the medical decisions to you to end his life if he was seriously ill.”
“I guess it is time to get a lawyer.”
“Let me know when you have one then we can sit down and get this situation figured out.”
“Ok. Thanks for the help Dr. Proctor.”
As I walked away he said, “Wait!”
“Yeah?” I responded.
“Maybe…um… you would like to…uh… have dinner sometime?” he said with nervousness in his tone.
“Do you think this is the best time to ask me? I am not being rude but you are my father’s doctor. Isn’t that weird?”
“Not really actually; some of my colleagues dated family of a patient. I just wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner with me.”
“Sure. When do you want to have it?”
“Tonight at 7pm.”
“Ok I will be here all day anyway.”
He excused himself because he had an emergency but I couldn’t believe that a doctor asked me out. I was shocked. I went back into the room and my dad was awake. I think he heard us outside.
“So my daughter got her first date.” He said.
“Well, it isn’t my first date dad.” I replied.
“You know what I mean.”
“He wants to take me out to dinner tonight. Is that ok with you?”
“You don’t need to ask me; you are an adult, you don’t need my permission to go out.”
“Well you are sick so I want to make sure you are ok.”
“I will be fine.”
I knew what he meant by “fine.” He meant that he isn’t going to die while I am not there. I know he is never going to get better but I just can’t accept that. He wanted me to go while I wanted to stay there with him. I couldn’t live with myself if he died while I am not there. So around 5pm I went to go get some nice clothes to wear for my date tonight. I brought the pile of clothes back to the hospital to ask my dad what I should wear. When I entered he saw some of the clothes and I knew what he was thinking. “Hey dad, can you help me choose what to wear tonight?” I asked. “I’ll do my best.” He replied. I went into the nearest bathroom and tried on the first dress. It was black silk with sparkles. It was a short dress but not to short that it is inappropriate. I walked in and asked, “How do you like this one?” His eyes bulged out like why in the hell are you wearing that? “I don’t think so Lizzie. That is definitely too short.” He struggled to say. “How did I know you would say that? I guess it is father’s intuition to see their daughter show some skin.” I replied. After I said that he glared at me so I decided to try on the next one. It was my freshman year of college homecoming dress. It was longer and he approves. That night Dr. proctor took me to this fancy restaurant in the city. “So can you help my father?” I asked. “I’m sorry Elisabeth but there is nothing we can do. His lungs are damaged from the accident and now his paralysis is spreading. If it spreads to his chest it can stop his heart and lungs altogether.” I started to cry a little then he said, “Let’s talk about something else. I want to know more about you.” I describe that I majored in law and wanted to become a police officer.
The next day I came in my dad wanted to talk to me. “Elisabeth Ann Daphne…” I suddenly knew it was not good news because he said my full name. I walked in anxious and replied, “Yes dad.”
“I have decided to donate my heart to George before the paralysis spreads. I already talked to the doctor and he is testing my blood right now.”
I finally had enough. “No! You cannot do this! I will not let you give up your life!” I sobbed.
“Liz listen to me, I am dying anyway why not help someone in the process. My heart is fine it is just my lungs that are bad.”
“I can’t let you die. I am your daughter and I love you way too much to let you die.” I started to cry and he grabbed my hand and said, “It will be ok. I will be in a better place where I won’t be sick anymore.”
“Excuse me, may I speak to Elisabeth Daphne please.” This lady said.
“Sure.” I said as I walked out of the room to meet her.
“I am Monika and I am your lawyer.”
“I am so glad you’re here, can you please tell my father he can’t decide to end his life.”
“Well actually it is his decision the DNR outweighs your right to make his end of life decision.”
“What! Why?”
“Hey don’t blame me. Blame the whole DNR legal document thing ok!”
“Alright.” I sighed
When I walked back in the doctor was reading off his blood test results. All I heard was he was a match. I entered and Dr. Proctor told me he was a universal donor and he could donate his heart to George. The paralysis was becoming worse because he was now paralyzed from his stomach down. I asked the doctor, “How much time does he have?”
“Most likely two days because of his condition rapidly declining.”
“Oh, so I should talk to him then.”
I walked into his room and pulled up a chair next to his bed. “We need to talk dad.” I said solemnly.
“Yes we do. I know you’re not happy about my decision but I have to do this. Please just say you accept this. That is all I need you to do.”
“I don’t know dad. This is a lot you are asking me to do. I don’t know if I can accept you ending your life sooner then you just dying on your own.”
“If I give him my heart he will get better. My situation is I am going to die either way. I know you don’t want to hear this but it’s true. I love you Liz and always will. I’ll always be in your heart.”
“I know but I don’t want you to go.”
He grabbed my hand and pulled me near and kissed my forehead. I know he wants me to accept this but I really can’t. I will accept this for him because I don’t want him to die thinking I never accepted his decision.
“I accept your decision.” I whispered into his ear.
Dr. Proctor came in and asked when he wanted to do the surgery. We both decided tomorrow evening. Dr. Proctor could see the melancholy look on my face and he pulled me near him and said, “It will be alright.”
“May I speak to the doctor alone?” my dad asked.
I walked out of the room and sat on the bench outside.
Inside the room my father said to the doctor, “When I’m gone take care of daughter for me. I know you two had a great time at dinner and you both are dating just be gentle when I am gone. I can tell you this will be hard on her. Don’t push her to do anything she doesn’t want to do.”
“Yes Mr. Daphne, I promise to take good care of your daughter.” When I was signaled to come back in the doctor left.
The next day we were preparing for the surgery. George was thanking us so much it started to become annoying. I know he was happy but I surely wasn’t. When the time came it was much too soon. Dr. Proctor let me hold his hand until we got to the operating room. When we arrived he let us say our goodbyes privately. “I will always love you dad. Never forget that!” I sobbed.
“I love you more than air. You will always be my baby girl.” He cried.
I bent down and hugged him for about 3 minutes then the doctor said it was time. I gave him one last kiss and goodbye then I had to let him go. I really did not want to but I had to. I had to leave this place so I ran out the front door and got into my car. I didn’t drive; I just sat there crying for an hour or so. I could tell when the surgery was completed because I felt emptiness in me that I never felt before. He was gone and there is nothing I can do to change that.
I drove home when I calmed myself down. I went to bed and just stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep. The next morning I woke up and made myself some breakfast. I was eating my dad’s favorite cereal. Then I heard, “May I have some.”
I panicked and turned my head slowly and I could not believe it; it was my father. I thought, “Great now I am hallucinating.”
He said, “I am here for you.” After he said that I collapsed onto the floor. Later I woke up and he was still there. “Please just go away. I accepted your decision, but your presence is making it hard to let you go.”
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Now I feel great, I am not sick anymore.” Even though my father and I made peace after his death, I could still feel his presence around me. Sometimes, when I am lucky I can still see him. Even though I kept hallucinating, I liked it and I did nothing about it.

I was going to cover this line-by-line, but I've decided to give you a few general pointers on areas you need to improve on instead. If you want your writing to be readable, you really need to work on the areas I'm about to discuss. In other words, you need to walk before you can run.

To be honest with you, your writing warrants a lot of work, but if you're willing to put that work in, there's no reason why you can't improve. With that in mind, I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh.

"Show, don't tell."

You might have heard this phrase already from time to time. Wikipedia's definition is a bit complicated, but it does sum up the meaning. Show, don't tell is an admonition to fiction writers to write in a manner that allows the reader to experience the story through a character's action, words, thoughts, senses, and feelings rather than through the narrator's exposition, summarization, and description. In layman's terms, that's "illustrate your point with your use of language and structure, rather than simply tell us what's just happened". Almost all your piece is dictated to us rather than described or crafted, but to keep it simple, I'll pick an example right from the start.

My father became paralyzed 2 years ago when he had a stroke. I was upset but so happy that he didn’t die.

This moment, where your character reveals something fundamental and very important to the story, should be elaborate. We should be able to feel the emotion in Elizabeth's narrative. As it is, we can barely define her gender from her statements, let alone get a rounded character out of them. There's no build-up to the revelation about her father and absolutely no follow-up emotionally. Both sentences are very short, and of the same style, which limits their effectiveness. However, it's the second sentence that I take most issue with.

Think about it like this. Someone asks you, "How did you feel on your first day at school?" You recognise his tone and the nostalgia in his voice, because he's remembering his own first day. You can see in his body language that he's relaxed with you, because he's asked you quite a personal question. If he's not relaxed, you can hear the false interest in his voice and you can see him pulling himself up straighter. Your mind doesn't register this in sentences, does it? You understand this in a millisecond, simply because of the way he appears to you. Writing doesn't usually have the luxury of images, so you have to make the reader see with your words, and understand your characters as easily as they can a person standing in front of them. You can't spend your time stating all of these facts to them, so you have to find a way to show them the person, just as easily as you can see yourself in the mirror. It's difficult at first, because you have to be subtle, but you aim to influence the reader's views of the character and her emotions without the reader even realising you're doing it.

So let's go back to the example. You have written, currently, that Elizabeth was upset but so happy that her father didn't die. Can you imagine how she would say this? She wouldn't be flippant. It might even have taken effort for her to come up with the words. And at the time? She would've been screaming, and crying, and don't say she's forgotten that. She's grateful for her father's life. Why? What does he mean to her? You have to get this across without telling us, directly. I'm not the best of writers, but I'll try and "correct" this as I would write it.

I remember watching the raindrops trickle down the kitchen window that night, and thinking that even the clouds were crying with me. The storm raged within me and around me. There was no escape from it, and for a while I couldn't even look at my father in the wheelchair; the man I wanted to remember could have lifted me into the sky.

It's a bit of a cliché, using the weather as a metaphor, but it works okay. At any rate, that kind of device covers Elizabeth's feelings far better than a simple statement about her grief. Grief cannot be a simple statement; no emotion is. Your language needs to do the emotion of your piece justice, as at the moment, it's very lacking.

To improve your piece, I'd recommend that you follow this exercise. I've found a few further examples of showing rather than telling here which I suggest you read before starting, and then take your original work and pick out key sentences like the one above. Then rewrite them as best you can.

I've spoken about characterisation within this bullet point, too, because it's mainly your lack of showing that affects the characters. They have interesting lives, but they're two dimensional and we can't relate to them if they're surrounded with so many basic sentences. I think characterisation is a finer issue that you could work on at a later date, but if you're interested in developing your characters, I'd try to write a story of pure dialogue. That way, you can work on your subtlety, which is one of your main problems, as well as your characters. That brings me very nicely on to my next point.

Dialogue

This encompasses both your dialogue itself and the punctuation you use in writing it. Many young writers struggle with dialogue punctuation so I wouldn't be too down about it, but it is an absolute essential when you're writing to punctuate correctly. I'd go so far as to argue that punctuating dialogue is one of the most important aspects of writing, because it's a fundamental feature of a good piece of writing. So, as before, let's start with an example.

“So my daughter got her first date.” He said.

This is one of the easiest and most common mistakes to make. Here, the full stop should be a comma and as a result, the capitalised "He" should be lower case. This is the corrected version.

"So my daughter got her first date," he said.

That's it, basically. I won't explain the whys and wherefores of dialogue because as I said, I think for you it's about getting the basics right. This is a very useful guide for those basics in punctuating dialogue, and I recommend you have a look.

The second aspect of dialogue that you could focus on is the tag. That's the "said", in other words. In your case, it's the synonym for said and the adverb, which is what I want to mention. I have a problem with adverbs. They're distracting, and it's just a lazy way of avoiding showing, in my opinion. You could replace it with an action, or just delete it altogether. The synonym is usually equally irritating, because there's absolutely nothing wrong with said. Why do you think it's one of the most common words in stories? It's not overused without cause.

“Hello?” I answered anxiously.

“Hi, is this Elisabeth Daphne?” the man said softly.

These are prime examples, conveniently chronological, of the two points I mentioned above. The first doesn't need the "anxiously". You've already told us the phone call is "disturbing", so we don't need to know that's she's anxious. You've also told us that she's stressed about a speech (which should be shown, actually, rather than so bluntly written), so we get that she's unsettled. No adverb necessary. If you still feel that's not enough, what about an action? Maybe Elizabeth's voice is slightly higher in pitch, because she's nervous. Maybe she nearly shrieks down the phone. Either of those details would show her anxiety. On the other hand, "answered" is fine here because it's how we generally use the phone. Equally, "softly" is okay on the second, but unnecessary. Does it matter that the voice is soft? Does it add anything? We can't work out whether it's soft because of a faulty phone line, concern or he's just got a quiet voice, so it doesn't mean anything to the reader.

Lastly, I want to discuss the way you write dialogue. Please, use contractions. In your main body of text, when you write from the third person, contractions aren't used, but in realistic dialogue, I think you'll find very few people who use the word "cannot". Take this, for example.

“I have decided to donate my heart to George before the paralysis spreads. I already talked to the doctor and he is testing my blood right now.”
I finally had enough. “No! You cannot do this! I will not let you give up your life!” I sobbed.

Elizabeth's line is terrible. It's stilted, unrealistic and sounds like something out of a bad historical novel. In fact, that's where people tend to have this problem: in historical pieces. In modern fiction, it's easy enough to fix - just go outside. Take a bus, grab a notebook and without being too conspicuous, write down a few sentences. Alternatively, just try to remember how people talk around you. Your ultimate goal is to make your characters real people, so learn from the real people around you.

Awkwardness

Most of this is in your sentence structure and your general plotline, which is something I haven't discussed. I'll start with sentence structure, though. Primarily, all of your sentences are short. All of them start and end very quickly. They don't describe. They are very factual. It is like reading this. After a while you get bored. Then your attention wanders. Then you look away.

It's not that bad, really, but bordering on it in some places. Vary your sentence structure and length, and your piece will be much more readable and fluid. Flow is one of the hugely important concepts in writing and reading aloud will help you to improve on it. You'll be able to tell when you're having to breathe too much or too little; originally, that's what punctuation was for - breathing space.

Your general plotline is awkward in that you don't seem to have thought it out. Your MC gets a date moments after she's been told her father's going to die and that's the good thing? There's a very scientific and seriously random reference to blood types in there. Her father compares her to "air", which is hardly an emotional simile. Your MC is still on second name terms with a character and goes out with him. She goes on one date and her father seems to assume she's marrying the guy. Really?

My first impression, honestly, was of carelessness on your part. There are numerous mistakes in spelling and in its vs it's, as well as other punctuation problems. If you struggle with that sort of thing, I'd recommend getting someone else to proof-read first. But you know, I reviewed anyway because I think everyone has potential and writing is not just for those who profess to have some sort of "natural talent" - which I'm not sure I believe in anyway - but for those who work, learn, and achieve. And there is absolutely nothing to stop you doing that.

- Jet.

Hi, I really like your story and the idea. There are a few mistakes throughout it but overall I loved reading it. In a couple of sentences, make sure to use the quotations correctly. Also, in some of your paragraphs you ran what the daughter and the father were saying into each other making it a little hard to read. Spacing those out into separate paragraphs
would make it flow easier.

After only a couple of mistakes, I really like the story and how well it was thought about. I could feel her pain and what the father was trying to do. Very well and I hope to read more of your work. PM me if you want to! (:

-xangeleighfshox