suicide

Hey everyone, so my dad was shouting at me earlier and it gave me a great idea for a short story. But remember, nothing that happens in this story happened to me. It was just an idea xD


I could feel the tears at the back of my eyes swelling up. He screams out that he doesn't know who I am any more, his love for me as a dad has faded. My mother leans up on the door with and smirks at my depression. I feel as if they are burning me for entertainment and watching me suffer. A slap through my face is what comes next, I fall to the ground and hide my face with my shaking hands. I wonder if my brothers could hear this, If so... why are they not helping me? My parents leave me in the darkness of my small room. 12:01pm I read on the clock, I think about a life away from all this... a future, a paradise. Moments later I find myself sneaking to the back door. I twist the knob and slide outside, the wind blows my hair to the left. I look back at a nightmare and then out towards my dream. I break into a sprint, we don't live far from the place im heading so it only takes me a few minutes to reach my destination.
A cliff.
My toes hang off the edge, I take a deep breathe and think about the decision I am making I smile at what I am about to do.
I fall forward and tumble down to the sea. But before I hit the surface of water I think of my parents.
Im sorry I couldn't be the daughter you wanted, and that I couldn't be more like my brothers. I hope one day you will look up and smile at what you had, but then cry as you realise you lost it.

Hi there! First off: you should separate with each paragraph with a blank line. Makes it easier to read on the computer screen.

I could feel the tears at the back of my eyes swelling up. He screams out that he doesn't know who I am any more, his love for me as a dad has faded. My mother leans up on the door with and smirks at my depression.

The first bolded "up" is unnecessary, as is the bolded "out." The second bolded "up" should be replaced with "on."

A slap through my face is what comes next,

"Through" is incorrect, it should to be "to."

Im sorry I couldn't be the daughter you wanted, and that I couldn't be more like my brothers.

You need an apostrophe in "I'm"

Okay, overall, this piece is soo rushed, and many of the sentences are awkwardly worded, as though you started on another thought before you even completed the first one. I can tell that you probably wrote this in a rush. Sometimes rushed sentences can be useful to express a character's state of mind, but here it doesn't working because it's almost unintelligible for me, so much is going on at once. You could use some more vivid description to create powerful imagery for the reader.

This is too short to be called a real story, but I think you can easily expand upon it. You could explore in depth why the narrator's parents are so disappointed in her, and how she actually feels about her brothers being the favored children, etc. This has potential to be quite poignant if you expand on it. Also, the title is so bland--when you expand on it, think of a better one!

Hi, I really like the idea that you are going for. Trust me I know because i like writing about death and depression.
The only issue is the one whole big paragraph and then 3 little sentences at the end. It doesn't seem even. Well
that is my opinion. The whole concept of the story was great. I enjoyed it. Hope to see more of your work.
Good Luck with your writing!!!

SimonCowellLuver (SCL)

Hey Smexaykk01!
I agree with blackbird12, I think your piece is very rushed. I'm guessing you wrote this while you were upset with your dad for yelling at you (believe me, I have a few pieces like this too.) If you really think this could be a story and your interested in it, I would expand on it. Play with the characters emotions, was there something else that sent her off the deep end? It also seems a bit too convenient that the character happens to live right near a cliff.

Overall, if you worked on this is it could be a good story.
Good Luck! Feel free to PM me with questions or anything.

-SodapopLunchbox