The Red Herrin'-Chapter 1

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Hey everyone. This is my first attempt at a novel, so please be brutal. Thanks
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Tuesdays'. It always rained more on Tuesdays'. I sat looking out of my third story window, waiting for a case to appear. It has been months since I had anything. The rain was beating against my windows and then sliding down the pane. Leaving the marks behind it where it had been, I wanted this. To be remembered for something, for anything. To not go forgotten in this world.

"Excuse me, detective?" A woman was stood behind me, I knew she was there before she said a word. I could smell her perfume, It was rich and sweet. I was guessing that she was going to a brunette about 5,6 or maybe 5,8 with heels.I spun on my chair. She was stood in the doorway, dripping from the rain. Her hair was wet so was darker, but you could tell she was a red head, and a bright one at that. She walked towards my desk and offered her hand.

"Chloe Dale" she said. Her voice was soft, very soft. She had long slender fingers with red nails. She smiled showing me her perfect white teeth. Her eyes gave the rest of her away. She was around 25, married young, probably forced by her mother. She wanted to be something but ended up in a rut. The classic routine. So many pretty girls in America have their lives thrown away.

She sat down her legs to the side. She went into her bag and pulled out two envelopes. One white and one brown. She placed the white one on the table and slid it across. She sat back upright, and just looked at me. I took the envelope and inside was a note. Mrs Dale, We have them both, We'll contact you soon.

"Look on the back" she said, her accent now becoming apparent. She wasn't from Chicago, she was a farm girl, coming to a big city. I flipped over the creased paper. $400,000.

"Mr erm detective?" she said, suddenly dumbfounded that she didn't know my name
"It's detective Pearson. Charlie Pearson" I replied trying to break her confusion. You could tell that she never had to use her head.
"Well Detective Pearson. I have no intention of paying that ransom" she said flatly. This piqued my interest.
"Mrs dal-"
"Chloe" She cut me. Call me Chloe.
"Well Chloe. May I ask who they are?" I said hoping she wouldn't toy with me like most women
"That would be my husband detective"
"and the other" urging her to continue.
"The other detective?" She was trying to act dumb. She was good at it to. A woman who knows what she is on about, who ever sees just as another girl who didn't make it could play whatever card she wanted, and she knew it.
"The ransom refers to them. I need to know who the second person is"
"That would be his son" she said without even looking liked she cared.

"Detective, I want you to find the men who sent this message and politely tell them no. I have no interest in taking their calls or listening to their demands." She was straight to the point now. A side I prefer more. " I would do it myself, but I'm going back to Tennessee detective. This town just ain't big enough". She threw the brown envelope on the table. It landed with a messy thud.
"I assume that will cover it, detective" She stood up, flipped her hair and walked out of my office, before i had even looked at the envelope.Inside the envelope there was a cheque the easily covered half the ransom, and another scrap of paper. The paper had a number, an address and a name. The name was hers. On the back just the words find Helen Rose were scribbled. I finally had a case
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan




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Hello, I'm Cirque or Alice (anyone is fine) and I'm here to review your work today. I just want to point out that both the title and appearance are appropriate for this site. The title is very eye catching and interesting and the appearance is definitely in accordance. This story, also, is just great! Very interesting and thrilling I felt that I couldn't pull my eyes away. Though, I'm not here to diddle daddle about how great it was; my review is purely for punctuation and mishaps through your dialogue or sentence working.

Mrs. Dale, we have them both, we'll contact you soon.


Highlighted here are a few capitals that are not needed. Why? Because it makes you work look cluttered and its just not grammatically correct. Don't ask me why or how because I really just don't know me. Also, the full stop. It's used here to separate the name from the conjunction. eg. Mr. Baker or Ms. Carmen.

"It's detective Pearson; Charlie Pearson."


Instead of a full stop, I recommend a semi-colon as it stops the sentence from becoming a run-on as comma would do and it also helps make your sentence look a little less choppy and short.

"Excuse me, detective?" a woman was stood behind me


"Chloe," she cut in before me.


"I assume that will cover it, detective?" she stood up


"The other detective?" she was trying to act dumb.


"Detective, I want you to find the men who sent this message and politely tell them no. I have no interest in taking their calls or listening to their demands." she was straight to the point now.


This is such a common problem on this site I couldn't be bothered retyping it so often, so don't be offended that I'm just copying and pasting an old paragraph from another review. Sorry, if it does. So the speech grammar of this is wrong. You see, don't worry I also just figured this out, when ever you have an ending to a sentence (past the end quotation mark) the words to come are not a beginning but a continuation. As pointed out in red, the first letter after the speech must be in lower case no matter the quotation mark. Though, this is an exception to those words that must have a capital letter eg. names.

"and the other?"


"The ransom refers to them. I need to know who the second person is."


"That would be his son."


"I would do it myself, but I'm going back to Tennessee detective. This town just ain't big enough." she threw the brown envelope on the table.


"Chloe Dale."


"Look on the back,"


"Well Detective Pearson. I have no intention of paying that ransom."


"That would be my husband detective."


This is another recurring problem that I found. You forget to place a quotation mark on the ending of the dialogue. This is needed to explain what is happening or how it was said. Saying; Shelley snapped at the dog or Mark sobbed into the palm of his hands isn't the only way to portray the meaning within in your speech. Placing either an exclamation mark to stress a point or a comma for a passing of words that aren't completely at its end...those are simple ways to make your writing more thorough.




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Thank you so much for the review.
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan




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Gender Female
Points 2794
Reviews 38
ooh very nice, i'm usually not one for mysteries but i must admit you have me caught in a trap that i'm afraid will not release me till the next chapter. anyway i love how you opened it, none of that beating around the bush like so many mysteries do, you got right to the point and you did it well. i like how you developed charlie as well. only problem i noticed what that i couldn't really understand the first paragraph i had to read it 4 times before i got it and even then i didn't know what "case" meant till the end.

other than that it was well written.

thumbs up!!
The talent of an amazing writer, they can convey any emotion, make you feel thing's you've never felt, and help you understand that which you thought you never would.

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