Two sonnets, for Navita's Delight (tm).

ODE TO THE JELLY BEAN

Oh, fool was I to touch one of those sweets
Shining like polished stones, in a glory
Of vivid hues unmatched by any fleet
Iris’ rainbow carpet! Now I see

That such temptation as I felt before
Cannot compare to this obsessive fire;
The taste that waits a while on my sore
And juice-stained teeth has inflamed my desire

Until what was a harmless, passing thought
To indulge just a little my dry tongue
And bite into a luscious, bright, much-sought
Jelly bean without fear of being stung

By the small indelicate knives of shame --
A hopeless case of gluttony became!


CAN YOU SAY 'CLOGGED ARTERIES'?

If I could choose the manner of my death,
I would not need to groan and think and weigh
The pros and cons of having the sweet breath
Squeezed out of me by friendly giants. Nay--

If I could choose, I'd choose death by bacon.
I'd ask that I be fed strip after strip,
That my every taste bud might awaken
To the glory of fat, and that my lips

Might know as intimately as a god
The juices that ooze forth from fried swine-flesh,
And understand the impossibly broad
Spectrum of crunchiness that marks out fresh

Bacon for what it is. Its crisp ends curl
'Round the best sort of door to the next world.

Hello Helpful McHelpful Pants!

I loved these, you had the Sonnet form correct which is great!
And the subjects are really cool!

I have literally nothing bad to say about these except that here:

Cannot compare to this obsessive fire;
The taste that waits a while on my sore

The rhyme sore seems forced Try using a rhyming dictionary to improve that rhyme!

Other than that though, I really enjoyed both of these and I thought you did really well with the Sonnet form!
*Likes*

Keep Writing,
~Lydia

This is ridiculous. And it is ridiculously funny, told the way they are. (And you say you do not write with 'intent' - I see plenty of that here: you would not have managed to write something consistently funny otherwise.)

And these are ridiculously hard to critique as well. I mean, the intention is humour, and everything else (like style, flow, narration) aside, you achieve that, so what more can I possibly add? Plus, I daresay it'll help you 'improve' the poems (such a serious word!), since, well, they sort of defy normal poetry, right?

Yes. That's it. That's what I like about it when you write like this - it's intentionally (yes, intentionally) tongue-in-cheek, laugh-out-loud, humorous. We do not see enough humorous poetry these days. So...thanks (for my amusement, eh?)

That such temptation as I felt before
Cannot compare to this obsessive fire;
The taste that waits a while on my sore
And juice-stained teeth has inflamed my desire

Agreed. This was not as funny as the 'Ode to Pancakes.' But! This is where I actually started laughing (the former stanza was a pompous and old-fashioned striptease) simply because this is where you put in the melodrama. The first stanza seems mere description in contrast.

And the rest is fine. Expands on it, dwells on it, draws it out. Watch your rhythm in places - though, in the grand scheme of things, that does not matter so much since the purpose is achieved anyway.

'Can You Say Clogged Arteries' - (these are getting less humorous, dear) - this retains a quiet sense of humour. This poem does not jump up in my face and start parading its feelings so melodramatically. This one sits still in a corner and almost helplessly regards the object of its obsession to the point where it makes us grin. And a sonnet! Perfect - I mean, how much more serious a form of poetry can you pick for something so amusing? This is why it works. You've got irony, drama, and a wonderfully drawn out obsession working here in both of these.

Haha, thanks for putting these up, Helpful.

Hi Helpful McHelpfulpants,

This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, besides myself.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Your like shakespeare meats (haha get it) the guy from the Fridays adds. Its a great thing to see someone correctly use the traditional sonnet form. Because sometimes when people do the line count and syllables correctly they still forget to put in a refrain. Keep up the good work (;