Open Roads-Part 1 of 15 (Introductions)

I was an outcast, that no one cared about, or no one needed, or even both. They were jealous of me. Was it because I was different, because I had powers? I could feel the little sweat beads running down my head onto my chin. My eyes welled up, and it became hard to see the Linden-Burg Orphanage. I hated that place with a fiery passion. I had stayed there for seventeen years, and seventeen years another family passed by my room, leaving me.
Now eighteen I was to old too stay there anymore. I was to become either a staff, or leave.
I left, why should I want to work at the very place that had kept me captive for so long. I sat down on the curb, eating a loaf of bread, crying. What was I doing. I had to be strong, I had to take care of my self. I had powers, I..I could control energy, I could read peoples minds, and I could even control the minds I wanted to. I stood there, dumbfounded, not able to breathe.
All these years, I could have controlled the minds of the people who made me stay at that horrible orphanage. But I didn't. Was It out of ignorance, or was I just to good of a person to do something so sinister? I guess if I could take one thing that I learned from that place and applied it to my life, It was not to be selfish. So I guess I did the right thing, but now was not the time to be thinking of that. However, I couldn't feel sorry for my self. I must leave, and stay strong. I had to live my life!


I picked my self up from the ground. I finished the bread loaf the Orphanage had given me, their sick departing gift. I rejoiced, for no longer was I captive of the Linden-burg Orphanage.

However, I shouldn't have been so happy. Where would I go? What could, and would I do? Who could, and would help me. How should I spend the rest of my life? I was dumbfounded. I had no one, not a single soul. I couldn't go anywhere, let alone stay somewhere. I had to think of a plan, and fast. I had stayed in that horrible place for seventeen years, mainly writing, I hadn't thought about the future. Not one day had I thought about the future.

I walked slowly towards the train station. It led off of the island to the main land. This would be a start. The only thing on this wretched island, was that horrible Orphanage. I couldn't even think about it right now, it pained me to much to think about my boring past. I had reached the train station. I had a boarding pass that the Orphanage had given me, so I guess I should make the most of it. Walking up to the train guard, he scanned it and let me pass. I had five uses total. I had about five minutes to think about what I could do. I wasn't very good at thinking. I got side tracked to easily. For the first three minutes of the ride I thought of my life, and past. I pondered on the fact, that I actually had gained positive characteristics from that place. May be the place wasn't so bad. I kept thinking about what I had gained. However I had no time to loose. I guess I had thought more than I thought. For the train had halted, and opened its large doors. Walking off, I took a deep breath. I walked a few paces, and walked back again. I did this for about two full minutes. I kept thinking that I had taken my first full steps of freedom, of actual life! It suddenly came to my attention, I knew exactly where I was. I was in the large, grand village of Sky Town, North Carolina. It was the biggest town on the coast. The only reason how I knew where I was is because, of the giant map in the Orphanage Dining hall. Town Hall was just west of the train station, so I proceeded on in that direction.

It felt so good to be free. To be able to walk freely, with no bells, or whistles. Walking in the city was great. People bustling around, and cars making there daily commutes. I walked slow for I was in no rush. I passed stores, and restaurants, just begging you to come in. The smell of fish and shrimp was so inviting! But I could eat and shop later. I had more pressing issues to attend to.

While walking I noticed a person who had followed me this far. I had noticed this particular being on the train as well, staring at me.I also noticed that the particular being looked familiar, like I had met them at the orphanage. I walked and best decided that I should pretend not to notice. Upon reaching town square I took a detour. Making a short trip down an abandoned alley. I knew they wanted to talk to me. I was not afraid. Casey Johnson was never afraid. I had been through to much to ever be afraid. That was not the reason I was afraid though. I was six feet, three inches, and I weighed around 200 pounds. I could take care of my self. I waited behind a dumpster. I knew they would wait, to avoid suspicion. They walked down to the dumpster and uncloaked themselves. It was a woman. The way she was standing, made me think that she didn't pose a threat. However, I should not be to trusting. Just because I was big, doesn't mean I could defend myself. Really, what did I have to loose?


For some strange reason, I could not control or even read her mind. She must have known I way trying, for otherwise she would not have said, "Your powers are useless against me, don't waste your energy trying." I replied cautiously, "Then you must be trained, or something." She retorted back, "Leave out the or something,and you will have your answer. I grinned, I really liked a person who can speak their mind when necessary. Then she grinned, and became more serious, I could tell, because her face had stiffened. I said simply again, "There must be a reason, why you confronted me." She replied, "It just so happens, that a certain group of people know about your powers, and a certain someone has requested to see you, in person." She spoke again, cutting me off, "You see, I am a part of the Shadows Crest Guild, A school for the Gifted, I am here to recruit you."

I was speechless. Someone, somewhere there were people just like me. There were people who actually knew me. I was totally speechless. She held out her arm to me. She wanted me to grab it. Well, what was I waiting for, I had nothing to loose. I grabbed her arm, and instantly it went black for a split second.

We landed somewhere, for I had no clue where we were. Instantly answering my question, she said, "Welcome to the Shadow Lands. I looked around me, and I noticed a large mountain range in the distance. Other then that, it was very barren. There were gates too, they looked like they were surrounding a giant mound of earth, and dirt. She started walking towards it, so I followed. We reached the gate, and were greeted cheerfully, by guards. One of the guards spoke, "Good day, Guild Master." I just kinda looked at her funny, she didn't tell me she was so important. We walked through the gate, down a long tube. It looked like it was leading into the giant earth mound. It was, and we entered it. I was gigantic, it looked like a huge bank. At each end of the mound, there were booths and desks, lined up across the wall. Clerks were behind them, obviously helping people. I had noticed a sign on one of the booths, it read: Welcome to the Shadow Crest Guild, Building A-registration. "Am I being registered right now?" I asked. She answered, "Not until I receive word from the Head Master, to do so." In each of the four corners were what looked like teleport tabs. I had seen pictures of these before, but I don't remember where. We walked to one of them, and we again were whisked away.

We had been transported to a long narrow hallway. It took us north. That was the direction of the gigantic mountain I saw before. We walked relatively fast. Not giving me much of an opportunity to look at the portraits, statues, and busts of famous rulers. On the door, was another sign, it read: Welcome to the Shadow Crest Guild- Main Building. We were in the mountain. I had no time to look around, because we were walking so fast. I was amazed at what I got to see. Students were teleporting, and using basic elemental powers. The Guild Master spoke, very sternly, "Up stairs, and make an immediate right, the Head Master will be waiting for you." Well no turning back now, and I vanished upstairs.


The Guild Master, and I went our separate ways. I went towards the Head Masters office. She had vanished out of site. I took an immediate right, just as she had instructed. I was in a long wide hallway, with black, and gold trim carpet. At the end of the hallway was a large decorated door. At each ends of the hallway, there were busts, and miniature statues of other Head Masters. They had plaques on the bases, that read: the year they were instated, and birth years.

I was nervous at the moment. I stopped in the middle of the hallway, deep in thought. What if he did not approve of me? What if I was not gifted enough? What if there were no open slots at the moment? I thought harder, then became blank. I had nothing to worry about. I should just be calm, and collected. I continued to walk down the hallway. I walked even faster, because I didn't want the what if questions to come back. I reached the giant door. Took a deep breath, and knocked hard.

The door was open, and I was starring at a fairly young man. Probably in his late thirties. He welcomed me in, and sat me down on a couch next to a fire place. Everything in his office was marble, and smooth white colored stone. He spoke, he had a deep solid voice, "Young Casey, welcome to the Shadow Crest Guild." I was scared, but replied, "It is an honor to meet you in person Head Master." He smiled then looked at the fireplace. The only thing I noticed faulty in his office, was the untidy mess of vines on the fireplace hearth. He spoke again, "I am here to assess you, a very short meeting, but very important all the same." Still speaking, "Please, set those vines on fire." I did, I didn't want to hesitate. The bright glow of hot fire danced across the marble floor. The Head Master wrote something down, then spoke, "Alright, please put the fire out." Again without hesitation, I did. I watched as water slowly poured out onto the vines. Only the smoke lingered. Speaking softly, he spoke once more, "Read, and control my mind please." I did, I knew he was letting me. I made him think of dancing flowers, it was the only thing I could think of. The Head Master spoke, "Good, now please take this note with you, and give it straight to the Guild Master, and please no peeking."

Okay, hey, Jackie! Here to do a review. So, I'll just start with the thing that nagged at me; quite simply, the chapters are a little short. Typically, you want, what, over 1,000 words per chapter. As it is, I feel like I'm reading the notes. Like, the scenes could be expanded a little.

This brings me on to my next thing; too much telling, not enough showing. You tell us that the Linden-Burg Orphanage is a horrible place, but, well, I'd prefer to see how bad the orphanage is (although, personally, I find 'misunderstood special kid in uncaring, terrible orphanage' slightly cliche). I mean, you tell us outright in the prologue that the character, Casey Johnson, has special powers. I'd prefer to see him display this power, so the reader can say, 'Wait, what just happened- Oh, hang on, he's psychic!'

Actually, things seem to be progressing a little quickly. I mean, he's only just outside the orphanage, and suddenly someone's offering him a place at this Shadow's Crest Guild? And why should he believe her, anyway? Give us a little more, expand every scene.

Third, I'm amazed at how good his powers are. On command, he can set plants on fire and put it out again, without even blinking apparently. Make it an effort, or your character becomes a bit of a Gary-Stu (male Mary-Sue), who is all perfect; after all, you introduce him by saying that he's special and everyone's jealous of his specialness, and so on. Give him some more flaws. I wrote a little thing on that here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post666926.html#p666926

So far, I wouldn't say give up on the thing, just try to add something original to it, since I've got the feeling that it's wandering into the Land of Cliches. What makes Casey's psychic powers different to every other fictional psychic's powers? How is this Shadow's Crest Guild not like every other magic academy-organization-thing in fiction? Make yourself stand out a little more.

Hello.

I will be honest and say I only read the prologue. The character screamed Gary Stu to me, which is the male version of a Mary Sue. Here is why:

They're all jealous of me

Jealousy is usually my first tipoff to a Mary Sue like character. Why? Because no person's relationships are two dimensional like that. Sure, jealously can play a part in people disliking each other. But, not everybody gets jealous if one person has something they don't. By making everybody else jealous of the MC, you're implying that no other character has been that well developed. One could go as far as saying he isn't that well developed, because all his personality consists of is power people are jealous about.

High-brow morals

So he was at the orphanage being treated horribly for seventeen years, knew he had these powers, and didn't use them. You can talk about people having a high moral standard all you want, but the fact he never even felt the temptation to do it makes him sound like he's incorruptible. An incorruptible character is not a good character, because then he basically has no human nature. Humans want the easy way out. If life gets hard enough they'll take the easy way out. You can have a character who battles temptation to do evil to those around them but overcomes it through will, but they still feel the temptation to do those acts. They might have slipped into those acts once and not been able to live with themselves, hence not wanting to do it again. But the fact your character just now realizes he never used his power to make life easier on himself makes him seem too good and pure and moral to be an actual person. People have flaws, and so should your characters.

I can get over anything

This one was more subtle, but I consider it a sign of a Mary Sue none the less. If a character just makes up their mind to get past something stressful, without much of an inner fight or without some bitterness, then they seem to be able to suck things up a bit too much. The "nothing bothers me" attitude can be taken a bit too far in a Gary Stu/Mary Sue, especially when they're just so sure everybody's jealous of them.

Overall: Two words: Character development. Give this guy some flaws, temptations, relationships/friendships (or reasons to avoid relationships/friendships) and make him more than just a power people are jealous of. I'd check out the Writing Tutorials section of the Knowledge Base for some articles on the topic.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey

Hey Jack, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I was to become either a staff, or leave.

a member of staff?

May be the place wasn't so bad.

Maybe

I kept thinking about what I had gained. However I had no time to loose.

lose.

For some strange reason, I could not control or even read her mind. She must have known I way trying, for otherwise she would not have said, "Your powers are useless against me, don't waste your energy trying." I replied cautiously, "Then you must be trained, or something." She retorted back, "Leave out the or something,and you will have your answer. I grinned, I really liked a person who can speak their mind when necessary. Then she grinned, and became more serious, I could tell, because her face had stiffened. I said simply again, "There must be a reason, why you confronted me." She replied, "It just so happens, that a certain group of people know about your powers, and a certain someone has requested to see you, in person." She spoke again, cutting me off, "You see, I am a part of the Shadows Crest Guild, A school for the Gifted, I am here to recruit you."

New line whenever someone new starts speaking.

Alright.

II. PACE

Wow, this moves quickly! You have four parts here, what's up with that? But for those four parts, nothing much happens in the first two and a half. He mostly just moans about his life. And then suddenly bang! He's special. And going to Hogwarts a special school for special people. Right now, it's nothing we haven't seen before, and you're going at it at a very fast rate. Take your time. Look at this and decide what isn't necessary. The prologue, for instance. Sitting on a kerb crying really isn't that exciting. Cut the fluff, and expand the important bits- like him being told how special he is! That's important, but you pass it far too quickly. Slow down. Take your time. And like Rosey said, character development. I only found out his gender and name a good bit of the way through, and know very little else about him!

III. OVERALL

Could really use some work.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hello, wariofart is here for a review!

As the other reviewers have said, you need to work on showing and not telling, character realism, etc. Right now the main character seems like a cross between someone with ADHD and band teacher disease (that's what I call people who go from being happy to sad very quickly). And that makes him really annoying to me. A really important aspect of a novel is to create characters your reader can invest in emotionally. Right now, the only thing I'm investing in him is annoyance. Which is not good.

He just seems so unrealistic, it's almost like you're writing a parody. Really, that's what I think of when I read this. The incorruptible orphanage with magic powers gets whisked off to a school for special people. To make it anything else than that, you're going to have to invest some real time in this. But don't worry, I know you can do it. Hopefully you don't give up, just keep writing.

"was an outcast, that no one cared about, or no one needed, or even both. They were jealous of me. Was it because I was different, because I had powers?" That first sentence... I think it might need to be reworded. Specifically the 'even both' part. It sounds odd. Also, I don't think you can say no one cares about them and then say they're all jealous one sentence later. xD

Some grammar errors, run-on sentences, spelling mistakes, two instances of 'loose' instead of 'lose', etc.

"or was I just to good of a person to do something so sinister?" o.O Excuse me, what? I'm not certain people actually think that way. XD And I think the thought would have occurred to him a lot earlier. At least the idea, even if he didn't have the nerve to carry it out.

What's the main character's gender? Do they have a name? XD (EDIT (after reading on) Ah, now I see. But really, for the first part of this I was thinking the main character was a girl, just because I didn't have any information to the contrary.

He goes from being all depressed to 'rejoicing' in one sentence? o.O

"not one day had I thought about the future." EVERYONE thinks about the future at some point.

"that I actually had gained positive characteristics from that place. May be the place wasn't so bad. I kept thinking about what I had gained" What positive characteristics? Can I get some examples? Also, I don't think the person would go from despising the place with every fiber of his being to thinking 'it wasn't so bad'.

"She held out her arm to me. She wanted me to grab it." Generally, that second sentence would go without saying. I'm seeing a lot of things like that, where you say something that's redundant, or already obvious to the reader, or just plain unneccesary. Might want to work on cutting stuff like that down.

Shortly after they transported themselves to the school, I began to lose interest, which is never a good thing. Make me care about your characters. Draw me in. Give me a reason to keep going. Intrigue me.
Right now, I'm still not entirely sure what's happening. Did the people at the orphanage know he had these powers? How does HE know about the powers, and how does he know how to use them so well? Was there some dreadful accident he regrets? Did he TRY to control someone's mind in the orphanage and accidentally turn their brain to mush? What brought him to this point? He seems to adjust to the idea of the school very quickly. A real person would be a whole lot more like this: O.O

I agree with pretty much all of what hero and rosie said, and like I think someone else briefly mentioned, I'm getting a Harry Potter-ish Hogwarts-ey vibe, particularly once we got to the part with the Headmaster and everything.

Work on that character development, and the pacing. Try to put yourself in your character's shoes and think of how you would react to a situation. If you were in some awful orphanage, gifted with fantastical powers, what would you think about doing? Gritting your teeth and bearing it until you turned eighteen? No, you'd be tempted to USE those powers to CHANGE the situation.

If some strange woman approached you, would you go along with her? Or would you be suspicious?

If she transported you to a school were people like you were in the norm, would you just accept it, or would you be dumb-founded, at least for a second?

Apply that same practice to the narrative voice. "Would actual people talk this way?" One piece of advice I've heard a lot is to read a section out loud. If it sounds odd, find another way to say it.

All in all... This needs some work I think. :/