Where?

You promised the world at my feet,
You promised you’ll always “be there”,
& you said that you will always stay,
Hold my hand as the weathers change.

But when my world came tumbling down,
And crashed into the cold, hard floor,
& when the waves came sweeping at the shore,
Flooded my heart with an unspeakable sorrow,
Were you there?

When the place that I grew up with laughter
Turned into a deep, dark hole,
& when the strong unbending pillars of hope
Crumbled to dust and flew away with the wind,
Were you there?

When everyone I ever knew
Transformed into an unknown face,
Replaced the faith in my heart with a hollow space,
& everyone who I thought would stay,
Left my world without a trace,
Were you there?

So just tell me and I’ll let you go,
I won’t question you anymore.
Give me only one reply:
When I lived in a shadow of darkness,
When it hurt to even laugh,
& when breathing was just another habit,
Where were you?

TeenQueen wrote:You promised the world at my feet,
You promised you’ll always “be there”,
& you said that you will always stay,
Hold my hand as the weathers change.

But when my world came tumbling down,
And crashed into the cold, hard floor,
& when the waves came sweeping at the shore,
Flooded my heart with an unspeakable sorrow,
Were you there?

When the place that I grew up with laughter
Turned into a deep, dark hole,
& when the strong unbending pillars of hope
Crumbled to dust and flew away with the wind,
Were you there?

When everyone I ever knew
Transformed into an unknown face,
Replaced the faith in my heart with a hollow space,
& everyone who I thought would stay,
Left my world without a trace,
Were you there?

So just tell me and I’ll let you go,
I won’t question you anymore.
Give me only one reply:
When I lived in a shadow of darkness,
When it hurt to even laugh,
& when breathing was just another habit,
Where were you?

everything that is bold, I think was good.
everything that is underlined I don't see the point of it being there, and i think needs seriously looking at.
Everything that is this colour I think has potential
everything that is this colour I think needs destroying


In all honestly this is a very genric piece and wouldn't try it again unless you put a lot of work into it. That may just be my opinion. Everything i have put has potential, I think you should make them into something different.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666

Hi,

The third and final stanzas are very good. They flow well, the voice of the speaker comes across strongly, I like the use of the question, and "when breathing was just another habit" is great.

I think in parts this is too internal and you go for the easy image ("world at my feet", "world comes tumbling down", "deep dark hole"), and this drags the poem down. I'd get a pen and cross out anything that sounds like something you've heard before, anything you can read without a specific image popping to mind. I'd replace them with specific images. For example,what did the speaker do and see when she had the "world at (her) feet?" Can you show us that she had everything going for her without saying it directly?

The best thing you can do for your poetry is read poetry.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hey TeenQueen,

This is navel-gazing and cliched. I might have written this about forty times today, so I'm sorry if this is blunt. But this is not good poetry. Good poetry is imaginative, new, rhythmic, insightful and meaningful. This, on the other hand, doesn't really tick those boxes. As a teenager, I also wrote a lot of poetry like this, and in a way it's a stepping stone to better things, because you have to get this sort of thing out of your system. But keep these sort of poems to yourself, and post ones up where you really use that brain of yours to come up with something new and exciting, and then we'll start talking about real poetry, and what you might be able to do with your words.

Good luck, and keep writing!