Demon HourGlass

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*DISCONTINUED* - Ah, today is Oct. 9. 11 and I posted Demon Hourglass around this time last year. I'll keep it up, though, just to show the contrast between my writing now and then.

*This is my first post(: Be honest with me, please. Tell me what you think of my story so far. And if you see any corrections will you point them out to me? I've read this a couple of times but I always miss important stuff. WARNING:very, very light rape is in the beginning. It's nothing serious so please don't click the back button. That scene ends before anything can start. Well, I'll shut it and let you read. COMMENT. I'm begging.

Demon Hourglass:

In just my towel I lay on the floor. With my step brother on top, he straddles me with a back and forth motion. His name is Tyson and he is a half demon who suffers with a mental disability– Schizophrenia. Right now, I don’t believe he actually knows what he’s doing: raping me. He thinks some of his daydreams play in his mind but in the Demonic Domain, another Realm few humans are aware of, it is really happening.

My voice was tight with tears. “Tyson,” I do not like to show my fright; it shows just how weak I am. “Stop it.”

He says nothing and continues.

My body shakes with fear because Tyson is no ordinary half demon. He is powerful, almost more so than our mother who has more force than anyone I personally know.

I am not a normal demon in the wait either. I have several powers that I am not supposed to have until I reach age seventeen. My older sister and brother, who are both the full demon age, seventeen, have less powers then I. No one outside my two twin cousins know my abilities. But that’s because I can’t allow anyone to know, especially my mother. For now, since Tyson seems like the all mighty demon of the house he was chosen to honor the Nelson family, my family. If my mother knew what I could do I would take that role of being Chosen and would surely screw it up.

Oh, how I wish to kick Tyson through the wall. But if I did that I would not be able to go to the Human Realm to feed. And if I do not feed, I cannot function properly at school or at home. Then I’d get in more trouble for grade drops and undone chores.

I have made the mistake of throwing Tyson out the window. The landing almost killed him. That week I was not allowed to hunt. I will never make the mistake of harming Tyson in that way again. He is a treasure to the family, as my mother says.

My voice is impressively angry, “get the hell off me!”

“Hell can’t be on you if you’re in it,” he remarks, kissing my stomach.

I start to rise with the dignity I have and begin to swing my arm in attempt to smack him.

Tyson is quick. He hears the whooshing of my blow and catches my wrist.

His smile is cocky.

The motor of both a motorcycle and car turn into our part of the neighborhood. Yes, my hearing range is high. If needed, I could hear an ant crawling five miles away.

Just then, Tyson is blustered off me. His head crashes into the wall, making a dent. He moans.

The motors gain speed.

“You idiot what did you do that for?” I question him.

I stand and gather my towel to firmly hold it to me. Tyson began to blubber.

“Tyson, baby!” Mother cries, rushing into the room to see me glaring hardly at my step with his head in a hole.

Mother was furious with me. “Tamsyn!”

“This didn’t involve me,” I respond while making my way out of the living room and to my own space.

There, I stick on some shorts and a white wife-beater. My hair is in a messy bun.

I slip my shoes on and hurriedly dash to the bathroom to throw my towel on the rack.

“Daughter,” Mother calls me. The edge in her tone tells me that it is me she refers to.

“Yes?” I spoke normally because I knew she’d hear.

“Come here.”

I sigh, but am to the women who gave birth to me in less than a second.

She is surprised by my speed, her mind tells me. Though I do not have to read further to know she will think nothing of it.

“May I get you something while I am gone feeding?” I offer.

“This is your last feed,” she tells me, I see her checking Tyson’s head for injuries; her demon eye will spot the scratch the size of the particles that make up an atom. “After today, you will not be feeding for the next two days.”

I don’t dare let her see how troubled I am. “Fine,” So my sister in the kitchen won’t read my thoughts, I put a force field around my mind.

Mother lets me know that is all she wanted. I bid her goodbye and for her to expect me back in an hour. She corrects me by saying thirty minutes. I hold in my groan of frustration and walk in human paces into the kitchen.

“I know you didn’t harm him,” Jaesyn, my older sister, says. She sips a wine glass full of blood. Everyone in this household, except me, drinks owl blood. I hate the acidic taste it gives off; that is why I go hunting for the human blood I crave.

York, my eldest brother, is stuffing the empty plastic bags into the lower cabinet. They just got back from the store. I had to stay back with Tyson to make sure he didn’t do anything dangerous to hurt himself.

I shrug, grabbing my white mini backpack off the counter.

When it is not necessary I do not like to speak so much. Words mean nothing if the person you are speaking to does not listen. Where else when you speak not a sound your listener directs all their attention on you for a response.

So, what did ya think? Any mistakes? Like it? Hate it? Well, if you do hate or dislike it, and you comment saying you do, please leave a reason. I'm not the type of person who's going to go off on a person for not liking what I wrote. At least I'm proud of it. Plus, I can't impress everyone and I don't expect to.
Last edited by SlyNightOwl on Sun Oct 09, 2011 11:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Rah, rah, ree, kick em' in the knee. Rah, rah, rass, em' in the... OTHER KNEE!




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Hello SlyNightOwl!

I liked this story, it's unique. Nowadays I see too many stories about vampires and other creatures, but Demons is a first. Anyways, I have a few grammar things to point out, but I think you did a good job getting most of them.

I have made the mistake of throwing Tyson out the window. The landing almost killed him. That week I was not allowed to hunt. I will never make the mistake of harming Tyson in that way again. He is a treasure to the family, as my mother says.

You have to stay in the same tense while writing (past, present, future) and this sentence jumps from present to past.
He thinks some of his daydreams play in his mind but in the Demonic Domain, another Realm few humans are aware of, it is really happening.

This sounds awkward. Fix it up a bit and it should be fine.
I sigh, but am to the women who gave birth to me in less than a second.

I'm not quite sure what you meant to say here, it sounds awkward.
I shrug, grabbing my white mini backpack off the counter.

What is the main character shrugging at?

If I were you, I would play with the fact they are in a different realm. What makes it different from the human realm? Let your imagination run wild on this one.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions! Btw, Welcome to Young Writers Society!!
-SodapopLunchbox
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Hey, SNO! Welcome to YWS! The name's Stella and I'm really glad you've decided to come join us :) That's the right attitude to be taking with your work if you're around here- no one's going to flame you, but it's unlikely that they're going to tell you you're perfect either. So you're in the right place!

Just a quick piece of advice, the more you review, the more reviews you'll get! Trust me on this.

I. NITPICKS

With my step brother on top, he straddles me with a back and forth motion.


He straddles in a back and forth motion? Perhaps he's straddling her and moving in a back and forth motion?

His name is Tyson and he is a half demon who suffers with a mental disability– Schizophrenia.


Okay, wow, infodump right here! I don't know if you're trying to make her appear nonchalant, but in following paragraphs it doesn't seem that that's how she feels. Maybe leave the explanations until later?

My voice was tight with tears. “Tyson,” I do not like to show my fright; it shows just how weak I am. “Stop it.”


Okay, your tense is all over the place. Choose one- past or present, and decide. I don't know how many slips there are through this, but if you don't mind, I'm not going to pick up all of them. Go through it yourself and make it consistent.

My voice is impressively angry, “get the hell off me!”


Capital G.

Alright.

II. SO... WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?

That's the general tone I'm getting from this. "Oh, hi. My name's Tamsyn. Yeah, that's my step-brother, he's raping me at the minute. Yeah, I'm a demon. I have super powers. So what's up with you? Hrm, should probably stop Tyson."

So she's a demon? Right. Does she have any emotions then? Because if that was a human, she wouldn't be able to stand up and walk round happy as anything afterwards, at least, I highly doubt it. She wouldn't be telling us about her life as it goes on. She'd generally concentrate on trying to get him off her.

In general, you seem to have a good concept, but I don't think this works as an introduction. It's an action-packed scene that's just been turned into an info-dump. I'd do all the action, save the information until later, instead introducing us to her as a character, and her situation.

III. OVERALL

Not bad :)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



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