Virginia Slime

[deleted for being atrocious!] xD

preachy and forgettable.

there are some nice moments, like the pudding cup thing, but other then that, I'd start over. I want more sensory details, less outright DRAMA. That's boring, we can read this kind of stuff on advertisements. Make it more personal, but at the same time become detached from it. start over.

I started off with the same bristly sensation of drama that Perdido has expressed, but when I reached the end of the poem, I did find that you had something to say. The beginning is the weak point, I think, because it builds your poem in a predictable, vaguely reprimanding manner. That isn't to say that it's an awful way to begin your poem, but it doesn't have the same measure of interest as the ending. There is no personal tie to it, only the sort of warning you'd find on the back of your cigarette box. If you inject the same touch you have at the end (the last line, particularly), your poem would be much stronger throughout.

I didn't think this was bad at all--only in need of some revision.

Thanks very much to you both! I agree, it's not my best, probably one of my worst. I wrote this in about ten minutes yesterday, and I never really stopped and read it that much. I just got this random idea in my head and started writing.

But you're very right, both of you! It definitely needs some work. Thanks a million!

Hokay, so:

I'm usually on the fence about poems that are about bias. But this one--I agree with perdido--just seems preachy. But, I think the first two stanzas are what stab the poem before it has a chance to breathe some toxins into my face. I took it into consideration that the narrator's mother died due to lung cancer or some cancer associated with smoking. And it made the preachy biased feeling work...

__ __ __

So, the fifth time reading it through I read it without stanza two and it worked for me. I'm not a poetry god or anything, so I can't say that it'll fix everything and clean up the oil spill, but I think that it would cut down on the preachy feeling that turned me off to it because it serves as a repetition to the first stanza, making it unnecessary.

The only other thing I have to say is that when I clicked on it, I expected it to be about Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And I like that enticing nature of the title.

Step away from the pulpit and it's a 5/5 for me.

Timmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Hi.

This is my way of trying to redeem myself. I'm cool.

Newport? New price,

There's a town called Newport near me! Sorry, that's irrelevant.

and payed by many;
a thief in the night can only dream

That 'A' shouldn't be capitalized... I think.

White walls, black lungs;
pudding cups and chemo tell the story

Same here. You don't need a capital letter after a semi colon. I've Goggled it, therefore, I have proof. All of the pages I read said that you don't need a capital letter after a semi colon.

Stinging eyes and damp cheeks
are the only signs that death
has ever visited.

Overall

This was crap. No, not really. I just thought that I'd worry you and make you cry at the beginning of the review. In reality, this was pretty good. There were some negatives, but also some positives. I agree with a few of the other reviewers, this certainly was dramatic. I think that this was in both a good and a bad way. Personally, I like a it of drama. I did feel that this poem used an awful lot of drama, which wasn't extremely effective. I'd have liked for you to have used the senses a bit more. I want you to describe what the narrator saw, tasted, heard etc. I'll go into more detail on that later on. On the plus side, this poem certainly does have a lot of potential. When it comes to your grammar, like usual, it was very good. I found that one issue with semi colons. You seem to think that a capital letter must be used after a semi colon. You fool. I thought that was true and then I Googled it which confirmed that I was right. Bam. As for your spelling, I didn't find one misspelled word in this poem.

My main critique is the same one as your previous reviews. I feel as though you're using a bit too much drama in this. Now, the amount of drama you use would be fine if you balanced it out with other things. By other things, I mainly mean by balancing them out with descriptions of the senses. Like I said before, what did the narrator see, taste, feel, hear and smell while going through all of this? You haven't really told us this. To be honest with you, the main reason that I've noticed this is because it's quite clear at the beginning. As the poem reaches its end, the drama isn't actually all that bad at all. In fact, I very much like the last few lines. The main problem with simply making a poem dramatic is the fact that it stops the poem from feeling as personal as it could feel. Like perdido said, at the moment, this kind of sounds more like and advertisement or something. If you use the senses more effectively, this probably wouldn't happen. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Except for the whole too dramatic thing, I don't really have any other negative comments. The only other thing that you need to watch out for is semi colons. Remember, child, that you don't need a capital letter after a semi colon unless it's a name, place etc. Except for that though, you don't need to capitalize anything after a semi colon. As a whole, this poem clearly does have potential. I do feel as though it needs quite a lot of work though. All that we need to do is squeeze it out of you... until juice comes out. I know for a fact that you are a great writer, Timmy. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said. Once you do that, you need to edit this up a bit. If you do that, this poem could certainly be something really good.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Thanks Lumi and Skins! I really liked what you guys had to say, and I'll definitely be thinking about it. It's kind of enjoyable getting constructive criticism.

Tim -

I will begin with the story you want to convey: that of a boy dead by (lung cancer, I assume, from) smoking. Firstly, what emotion do you want people to get out of reading this? What lasting feeling do you want them to run away with? Thoughtlessness? The feeling of being too late? Regardless, I have to say, the ending was superb - 'and my mother's lighter falls to the ground.' It retains just the sense of abstraction needed for us to feel a sense of outrage; you do not emphasise it, you do not embellish it in any way. So, in terms of emotional impact, you nailed it there, right at the end.

But intellectually. Let's talk intellectually. We know smoking is bad; we, as the intelligent audience, have a pretty fair and extensive knowledge of what it can do to a person. Usually, I would ask the poem to provide some kind of intellectual enlightenment as well alongside some feeling. However, here, I ask: is this required? We come into the poem with a background in this are; I daresay that we do not expect to leave with any greater an understanding of the implications of smoking. The message has been hammered by anti-smoking campaigns, ads, teachers, parents enough - what NEW and original insight can you hope to bring to the reader with this story, then? Relatively little - so why waste words trying? The emotion here is enough - it encapsulates something far stronger than what the theme could say on its own; it has a far more powerful impact.

So, we have head (or rather, we don't) and we have heart: imagery being your main vehicle to convey the latter, since that is all we are concerned with. That is: imagery and narration/the story itself. Something I've found intriguing about the way imagery works is this: for emotion, it's better to be abstract. Imagery is said in words, correct? And words are concrete. But feelings are not. Hence, the need for being abstract.

And. With that in mind, the poem:

Virginia Slim? Virginia slime.
Coughing, hacking, heaving, your breath fills my chest;
you slip through feeble barriers
with demeaning ease.

The opening line has some wordplay. You know what that signifies? Lightness, making a joke out of the situation, having fun with words. It's clever, certainly. But it adds a distinctly sarcastic and almost cheap tone to what you say next. It belongs in another poem - this kind of shallowness is not what I'd expect the poem to start with, having read to the end. The end is rich, meaningful. The beginning is mocking, sarcastic. Are you sure you want this contrast?

The next three lines - I don't feel anything from them. I don't learn anything new. I see what's happening, but it's something I could easily predict, anyway, so it adds nothing. You can do better than this. Sure, keep the content the same - be more creative with the imagery, though. Not so direct: why mention coughing this soon, by the way? It's too obvious and it kills any subtlety you could otherwise establish.

Newport? New price,
for the cost is higher now,
and payed by many;
A thief in the night can only dream
of plunders you take for granted.

The wordplay continues. Any sense of depth you want us to get from this is immediately lost. I like the ambiguity of 'cost' - could be monetary cost, could be social cost, could be health cost - but it's not enough on its own. 'The cost is higher now' - i.e. taxes on cigarettes have risen? That is a cold concept; an intellectual one, something we all know. It's useless here - we want feeling, and this is nothing. And the last two lines - so what? Why do I care? What does this add to the individual's story?

White walls, black lungs;
Pudding cups and chemo tell the story
of a boy, reduced to fragments
of his former self, ripped to shreds
by smoke.

This is better, much better. Straight imagery - that's what we need. And the tone is cold, again, but emotionally so - the shorter lines and phrases make it sound that way, as if there's nothing that can be done about the 'white walls, black lungs.' The contrast is stark. The only criticism here, then, is this: 'ripped to shreds by smoke' - sounds great, and I know you mean it metaphorically, but literally (which is how one first reads it), it makes no sense. Smoke doesn't (literally) rip people. Think of a better verb, one that works both literally and figuratively.

Three months pass.

Silent monitor, empty bed.
Stinging eyes and damp cheeks
are the only sign that death
has ever visited.
But visited it has.

And my mother's lighter falls to ground.

Nix 'But visited it has' and this will be perfect as an ending. It doesn't say much - but, Tim, see that's the thing: it says more by not saying than it could by trying to say. Again, that's because it conveys a greater emotion by letting us fill in what you didn't say. That's what I love about abstraction - that's how it works best.

--

So, not a bad effort. Clearly, you improved as you got past the 'head' stuff in the poem and moved on to what really mattered - the feeling. And I want to see more of this: or rather, I want to see less intellect, more abstract imagery and by letting me fill in myself on the things you didn't say, I will see more feeling.

Good luck with revisions. PM me if you want to talk about something.

Navita

I AGREE.

Virginia Slim? Virginia slime.

A good way to start out your poem. It doesn't begin to heavy, which might've turned people away.

Coughing, hacking, heaving, your breath fills my chest;

Yes, the gross-out factor is good. I think of phlegm as I read those words. (I'm also a weirdo.)

you slip through feeble barriers
with demeaning ease.

This makes the poison smoke seem very sneaky, very sly. I imagine a curling white-grey predator stalking unsuspecting prey. Very clever.

Newport? New price,
for the cost is higher now,
and payed by many;
A thief in the night can only dream
of plunders you take for granted.

Another good fact to turn people off of smoking. It makes it seem like people are giving away bags of gold instead of $5.30.

White walls, black lungs;
Pudding cups and chemo tell the story
of a boy, reduced to fragments
of his former self, ripped to shreds
by smoke.

I'm not sure what pudding cups have to do with this.. but I like how you introduce the actual danger involved in the smoking of cigarettes, when before you only referred to the inconvenience.

Three months pass.

Silent monitor, empty bed.
Stinging eyes and damp cheeks
are the only sign that death
has ever visited.
But visited it has.

And my mother's lighter falls to ground.

And then death. Now the one who smokes, affects other people.
I'm not sure if this is correct or not.. but I'll open my big mouth anyway. Shouldn't 'But visited it has.' be 'But visited, it has.' I don't know if I'm supposed to be correcting punctuation in poetry, since it's optional.. I just thought I might add something constructive in since I've sort of just gushed over the poem this entire review.

Sorry that I didn't have anything really useful to say. To me, this poem is damn-near perfect. I hate smoking though, so I guess I'm biased.

-Eme