Night's Knight Chapter 1

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She sat. Or rather sat on her feet. Chrissie was on top of a two story building, waiting for the target. Her red, wavy, messy hair blowing in the frosty air looked like fire. Fall was coming to an end and winter was to take over. Dressed in back with a scarf around her month she was invisible, aside from her hair.
She began to think that the target was not going to show. Then out of the corner a man appeared. That has to be him, she thought to herself. He matched the description given to her. He was tall with white long hair the was tide back. She picked up her bow and placed the arrow. Carefully not to make a sound as she pulled the arrow back. Chrissie had perfect aim, she never missed. She waited for the sign Aisha was going to give.
Chrissie looked the ally where Aisha was at. She walked out into the light was she was seen. Aisha puts you in a mind of a mysterious shadow. She had almond-shaped blue eyes that are like two windows on the afternoon sky. Her straight midnight black hair is worn in a style that reminds you of a flowing cape. She is little taller than Chrissie and had full curved build then Chrissie's body shape. Her skin is light-colored. All of this put the target into a trance.
Chrissie released the arrow, which hit the target in the head. Aisha did not waist a moment, stacking him in the heart. “Is he dead?” Chrissie yelled down to Aisha.
“Yea. Where is Salem and Oregan? They say they would get rid of the body.” Salem had wide gray eyes that are like two pools of mercury. His silky, straight, neck-length hair is the color of burnished iron. He had a short, masculine build. His skin is light-colored. Oregan made you think of a rabid dog. He has droopy gray eyes. His fine black hair and is worn in a severe, practical style. He is short and has a graceful build. His skin is tan.
“I don’t know. But I got to go,” Chrissie was climbing down the building.
“Oh come on. It’s our first vampire kill of the night. Where do you have to go?”
“I have registration at school. John is making me.”
“Why don’t you just drop out?”
“I don’t know. I guess I like to learn,” Chrissie was on the ground and in front of Aisha. Aisha eyes were fielded with confession.
“Are you Chris? The Chris I know,” she shook Chrissie, “Earth to Chrissie!”
Salem walked up to them, “Hey guys-what are you doing Aisha?” Salem was starring at them.
Aisha stopped and looked at him, “Well Chris here said she likes school,”
“I got to go. I will see to guys tomorrow,” Chrissie turned to leave. She started to run.
“Beep, Beep, Beep,” Chrissie alarm was going off. She looked to see the time 7:00 am, “No!” she jumped up and hurried to get dressed. She throw on the t-shirt and jeans that she been wearing last night. Chrissie tied up her hair into a pony tail.She grabbed a Pepsi and ran out the hotel door she had stayed at. Her parents died when Chrissie was 5. That was when her first encounter with a vampire. Chrissie got lucky when the leader of her group, John K.C, saved her. He took her in and took her in. That’s where she meet Aisha, Salem and Oregan. John sent them all to an Academy that trained kids to protected people, or hunt vamps, as John put it. Chrissie had been kick out of 5 so far. John said this was her last chance, and he had to put a lot of strings to get her in this one.
Chrissie reached to gates. There was a plaque on the gates the read ‘Cosaint Academy for self defense and the defense of others’ My last chance, where in the heck are you John, she thought to herself, pacing. A limo polled up and out stepped a man that had slanted brown eyes. His thick, wavy, shoulder length hair is the color of fine gold. It was John, “Hello, my love,” he spoke with an Irish accent.
“Hey, are we going in? I would like to start class today,” she moved to the gates.
“Very well. Open the gates!” He yelled. The large gates opened slowly. It looked like a high school with 3 floors. Brown brick with 2 doors that she could see. The windows and doors had bars on the outside. It looked like jail with watch towers ever where.
They walked inside and up to the front counter, “This is Chrissie Zerphey, and she is here to enroll,”
A short plump woman looked up. She had deep-set silver eyes. Her fine, curly, black hair is worn in a style that reminds you of a turtle's shell. She looked down at her computer, “Yes She will go to 6th hour unless you walk her in?”
“Sure I will, but can we have her information?” The front desk women handed him a piece of paper:
1st hour—archery 5
2nd hour—history 3
3rd hour—math 3
4th hour—science 4
Lunch
5th hour— safety class 101
6th hour— English 3
7th hour— lying all round
8th hour—Hand to hand combat
9th hour—Training
Room—329
“There are nine classes a day!” Chrissie yelled. She never had been to a school that had nine classes. The highest was eight.
“Chrissie, calm down,” John put his hand on her shoulder, and squeezed.
“There are more. Night classes, early morning classes. All for the protected, the rich or as they call themselves the highers have seven classes a day. The same core classes but they have lying all round and safety. School wants them to be safe. And since you got here now, you will have a small room to yourself and no one to protect, because there is an over load on higher males. And we can’t put you with a male; if we did they would have to stay in your room. So you be alone. What grade are you in?”
“I’m a junior,”
“That’s all.” she looked back down at her computer screen and began to type.
Chrissie made her way to her the stairs and walked up to level 3. The hall looked like a hotel’s hall way. All rooms on this floor. There were no kids in the rooms. Chrissie’s room was in the far right at the very end of the hallway.
Room 329. Chrissie sighed, “Do I really have to go in there?” She moved her head to John. He nodded and handed her the key. Chrissie unlocked the door slow. The room was small with a desk, dresser, and a bed. She turned to John, “I would like a laptop, as a reward that I don’t destroy this prefect little room or the school and get kicked out again,” John simply nodded and turn to leave.
Chrissie follow John to her 6th hour; English 3. John opened the door. The room froze. “This is Chrissie, she is new,” John up her in front of the class.
“Hey,” she rose her hand and gave a wave.
“You can have a seat next to Ivan Bastet there in the back,” the teacher turned to write on the broad and John left.
Chrissie made her way to the back and sat down next to this Ivan. He had wide green eyes that are like two chunks of jade. His fine, curly, brown hair is worn in a style that reminds you of a seashell. Then a note appeared on her desk.
-Hi. I’m Ivan. Are you a higher or lower person. I’m a lower so I could show you around. Write back please and send your class list.-
Chrissie looked over to the boy. He was taking notes. She wrote back
–Hey. I guess I’m a lower and that would be great if you show me around. _
Chrissie folded up the note and glanced up to the teacher to make sure she wasn't looking. She was still writing on the board. Chrissie slipped the note to Ivan. By the time Chrissie got out her notebook to copy the board the note appeared again.
-We have almost the same classes. And this class is almost over so wait for me please.- The bell rang a moment after she read.
“So this way to English,” Ivan held out a hand pointing to the door.
The day went by fast and Ivan had the same afternoon classes as her.
“What do you think?” He asked as they were heading to the lunch room.
“Um, It’s interesting. Nothing like any of my old schools,” Ivan stopped, “What?”
“Nothing. There were rumors that you transferred here because you got kicked out of one school.”
“Oh. I’ve been kicked out of about 10 schools,” she smiled to herself.
“What! Ten?! Man, how, I mean what did you do that was so bad?” Ivan studied her.
“Well, a lot of things I’ll tell you later. Is this the lunch room?” The lunch room was as big as the gym if not bigger.
“Yea. The school holds the homecoming and prom and dances in here and just outside of here. There is more building out side too.”
Ivan led Chrissie to the back of the lunch room to a small table. Chrissie noticed that the lunch room had a very nice side and lesser nice side. They sat on the worse side.
“So what’s up with the lunch room being split up in two?” Chrissie asked.
“The highers are rich and don’t want to be around us, the lowers. Some people, like my brother, act like highers and no one cares” Ivan looked down and started messing with his pen.
“Do you normally sit by yourself?” Chrissie asked.
“Yea,” he sounded sad
“Good,” he looked up with a questioning look, “I don’t like crowds,” Ivan smiled and gave a small laugh. Chrissie placed her elbows on the table and leaned closer to Ivan.
Ivan looked up, “Yes?”
“Do you believe in ghost?”
Ivan took a moment, then said, “Yes, there are rumors about this place being haunted,”
“Okay, what about vampires, witches, werewolves, and shape shifters?”
He stared, looking confused, “Sure. I mean I wish they were real, but I believe in creatures like them did existed at some point in time,”
Chrissie leaned back, “Good,” Ivan was even more confused, “Don’t ask. I might tell you some day,” Chrissie added.
Ivan shrugged then panic flooded his eyes.
“What?” Chrissie turned back and meet a tall man shaped figure with hooded brown eyes that were like two discs of wood. His eyes were dark.
“Hey bro,” His eyes meet Chrissie’s, “Why on earth would a girl, as beautiful as this one sit with you Ivy?” The boys’ behind the one that was talk was laughing.
“Don’t you have to go a harass someone else today?” Ivan’s voice sounded tired.
“No, I cleared out all my appointment just for you. Know stop being rude and introduce me to her,” The guy eye’s never left her and he sat down right next to her.
“Sure, this is Chrissie, she is new here. Chrissie this is my brother Donovan,” Ivan looked away.
“Hello,” Donovan said in a voice a little too nice for her liking, “So what has Ivy told you about me. Nothing good I bet,”
“No, very thing he has told me wasn’t very nice,” she looked away, “Ivan can you show me the rest of the school?” She stood up.
“I will,” Donovan said standing with her, “Don’t worry. I won’t bite,” he laughed.
“Okay,” Chrissie sighed, “I’ll see you tomorrow in class. Bye,” she followed Donovan out the back lunch room.
Last edited by SecretsMoon on Mon Jul 05, 2010 11:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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SecretM! Hey! :)

She sat. Or rather sat on her feet. Chrissie was on top of a two story building, waiting for the target. Her red, wavy, messy hair blowing in the frosty air looked like fire. Fall was coming to an end and winter was to take over. Dressed in back with a scarf around her month she was invisible, aside from her hair.


Maybe you could say "Chrissie inhaled crisp, cold air through a thick black scarfed tied around her mouth. The air was getting colder as the seasons were changing, and besides her flaming red hair, she was invisible under her many layers of clothing.". Just a suggestion, to incorporate her description into the story. I really liked what you had, though. :D

She began to think that the target was not going to show. Then Suddenly,out of the corner (of her eye)a man appeared. That has to be him, she thought to herself. He matched the description given to her; tall with white long hair tied back in a ponytail. She picked up her bow and placed the arrow, carefully not to make a sound as she drew the string back. Chrissie had perfect aim, she never missed. She waited for the sign Aisha was going to give.


Don't tell us that Chrissie had perfect aim, show us when she tries to shoot the man. Explain how her shot hit right on target, as she had expected. Or something like that.

Chrissie looked the ally where Aisha was at. She walked out into the light was she was seen. Aisha puts you in a mind of a mysterious shadow. She had almond-shaped blue eyes that are like two windows on the afternoon sky. Her straight midnight black hair is worn in a style that reminds you of a flowing cape. She is little taller than Chrissie and had full curved build then Chrissie's body shape. Her skin is light-colored. All of this put the target into a trance.


The descriptions are nice, but you really don't need to tell us all this right off the bat. We're in the middle of a suspenseful scene, and you shouldn't pause to say 'she had eyes like this. her hair was like this.' Save that information for later.

“Yea. Where is Salem and Oregan? They say they would get rid of the body.” Salem had wide gray eyes that are like two pools of mercury. His silky, straight, neck-length hair is the color of burnished iron. He had a short, masculine build. His skin is light-colored. Oregan made you think of a rabid dog. He has droopy gray eyes. His fine black hair and is worn in a severe, practical style. He is short and has a graceful build. His skin is tan.


Again, too much description too soon. In my opinion.

“I don’t know, but I got to go,” Chrissie called as she climbed down the side of building.
“Oh come on," Aisha sighed, "It’s our first vampire kill of the night! Where are you running off to?”
“I have registration at school. John is making me.”
“Why don’t you just drop out?” Aisha asked, slightly irritated.
“I don’t know.” Chrissie said, dropping to the ground in front of her. Inside, she actually loved to learn. Not that she would ever admit it.
Aisha eyes were fielded with confession. “Are you Chris? The Chris I know?” she shook Chrissie, “Earth to Chrissie!”
At that moment, Salem walked up to them.
“Hey guys-what are you doing, Aisha?” Salem was staring at them.
Aisha stopped and looked at him, “Well Chrissie here likes school.”
“I got to go." Chrissie spluttered, turning to leave, "I'll see to guys tomorrow,”
Once she was out of sight of Aisha and Salem, she ran back home.


I don't know if it sounds any better, but I added stuff into your dialogue because it sounded a little bare.

You introduce every character by telling us their hair and eye color. There is more to someone's appearance than that. Appearances don't even have to be explained all the time! Leave some imagination to the readers.

The dialogue between Chrissie and Ivan is nice. I like both of those characters!

I think you need to go back and fix a few mistakes. There were lots of spelling errors and grammar errors mixed in the second part. Once you get those fixed up, this will sound a lot better!

Good job with this, though. I hope I helped and if you have any questions PM me! :)
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Hey there secrets,

I'm Tanya, here for a review. I'm warning you right now - it isn't going to be pretty. But here I am, a mug of hot coffee within reach and I'm ready to start. Ready for it? Good luck!

First of all, I loved the way you describe the fire colour of her hair, or the mercury pools of his eyes. You obviously have the talent to paint very vivid pictures. That being said, what Blacksheep said before me is very true - people are not only eye and hair colours. If you absolutely feel the need to describe everyone Chris meets, do so but more than just what you've been doing. Do it like you would see them yourself. Like, "said the plump, black-haired receptionist." Or, "go for it," he said, his sharp blue eyes filled with amusement" and so on. We do NOT need to know what everyone looks like if they aren't important to the story.

Dressed in back with a scarf around her month she was invisible, aside from her hair.
Ok, look. I know that if you're writing about this, it's because you care about what you are 'saying', right? Well, if you care, then you should care enough to go through it and rid this piece of all the grammar mistakes in it. Most of the mistakes are typos, easily correctable if you reread before posting. Nothing throws a reader -and reviewer- off more than typos and mistakes. Look right here; you have two in one sentence! 'back' should be 'black' and 'month' should be 'mouth'.
I want to read this but keep stopping whenever I meet a typo that really shouldn't have been overlooked. If you miss them this often, then read your story out loud and it will rapidly become obvious what's wrong.

That has to be him, she thought to herself.
thoughts should always be in italics.
That has to be him, she thought to herself.

He matched the description given to her. He was tall with white long hair the was tide back.
Instead of making two sentences here and cutting the flow, you could change it to: "His tall frame and long white hair matched the description given to her."

Chrissie looked the ally where Aisha was at
bad sentence. Maybe try something like, "Chrissie glanced to the alley where Aisha waited." Or something. You cut the sentences instead of making them flow into one another.

Her straight midnight black hair
is
worn in a style that reminds you of a flowing cape
Was, not is. Okay, something else I wanted to mention here. You keep saying 'that reminds you'. Why would it remind me, I'm not the one seeing it/she/he. You could say it reminded Chrissie of, or was evocative of, or resembled but whenever you write 'YOU', you throw the reader off and jerk him/her out of the world you've created.

Aisha did not waist a moment, stacking him in the heart
Staking. Again, easily fixable a mistake. In the age of technology where a virtual dictionary is at the tips of your fingers, you have no excuses for making these kind of mistakes. Waste, not waist.

“I got to go. I will see to guys tomorrow,” Chrissie turned to leave. She started to run.
“Beep, Beep, Beep,” Chrissie alarm was going off. She looked to see the time 7:00 am, “N

You need to make a break in paragraphs here. You can do this like this * * * or some other way but I thought that one of the other three were mocking her by saying 'beep, beep."
While I'm at it, I would like to mention that when posting this, please indent it to cut it into paragraphs to make it an easier read.

Chrissie tied up her hair into a pony tail.She grabbed a Pepsi and ran out the hotel door she had stayed at. Her parents died when Chrissie was 5. That was when her first encounter with a vampire. Chrissie got lucky when the leader of her group, John K.C, saved her. He took her in and took her in. That’s where she meet Aisha, Salem and Oregan. John sent them all to an Academy that trained kids to protected people, or hunt vamps, as John put it. Chrissie had been kick out of 5 so far. John said this was her last chance, and he had to put a lot of strings to get her in this one.

THis is what we call an info dump. You're simply hurdling information to the reader. Maybe once we meet John, she could remember how she came to be in his care, but that info has to be trickled subtely.

Okay, I'm stopping here because I keep getting hooked on the typos and mistakes. The thing for you to do here is a major edit, cut into paragraphs, fix the typos and the grammar mistakes. THEN it will be much easier to read.

Because honestly, it's obvious that you have talent, you're a real diamond in the rough. You can create very vivid imagery, but your story isn't only about your characters, it's about the places that surround them, the buildings, the rooms they are in. It's about their five senses. When she's standing around outside, does she catch the fragrance of a nearby lilac tree that brings back memories of her life with her parents. Is the smell bittersweet to her? Painful but with a pang of joy?

Your story is intriguing and I found myself pulled in by your potential. Once you've edited, it would be my pleasure to go over this once more, if you think that my critism was constructive and that you take more of what I dish out. Trust me, I only mean it in a helpful way. You're good, you just need some work, like all the newbies here.

Keep writing!
Tanya :D



I do all of the training for Walgreen’s cashiers.
— The Devil