on a beach

The gentle whisper of waves brushing past, the cold glow of the moon dimly lighting the world around me, around us. No life surrounding us to make a sound, just the waves, in, and out carrying my thoughts to the depths of the sea.

Above us the illusion of a roof of sky seemingly trapped us beneath the deep blue of this roof, and next to the black of the sea. Beneath us the sand still held the heat of the night, compact but soft under the weight of our bodies. Bodies slowly lifting the blanket we lay under, rising and falling with our breaths.

The tangle of limbs beneath the soft green blanket would look at rest to someone else, I knew better. Half of those limbs could not rest; their owner could not fall into the depths of sleep like her partner. I could not rest, but would not dare to wake the sleeping pile of limbs entwined with mine.

Showing through the holes where the blanked had become worn were glimpses of the limbs I was trying not to disturb, they did not need to know that I did not see them as they were, pale, calm and smooth beneath the moon. But as they had been, a mere few hours before, in the burning final glare of the sun.

Hey CO!

The gentle whisper of waves brushing past, the cold glow of the moon dimly lighting the world around me, around us. No life surrounding us to make a sound, just the waves, in, and out carrying my thoughts to the depths of the sea.

This has a whole lot of commas, don't you think? You should make your sentences a little more clean. example: The gentle whispers of salty breeze brushed past me, lifting my hair off my neck as it kissed my skin. The cold glow of the moon dimly lit the glassy bay, reflecting of the water in distorted waves. The two of us stood there, listening to the rhythmic splashing of waves hitting the sand, and then rolling back into the ocean, carrying my thoughts to the depths of the sea.

Since it's your first paragraph, i suggest you add a lot more exciting detail to reel your readers in. Really describe the smell of salty air, the coolness of breeze on your skin, or whatever you imagine in your mind. Set the scene

Beneath us the sand still held the heat of the night, compact but soft under the weight of our bodies.

I really loved this sentence!!

The tangle of limbs beneath the soft green blanket would look at rest to someone else, I knew better. Half of those limbs could not rest; their owner could not fall into the depths of sleep like her partner. I could not rest, but would not dare to wake the sleeping pile of limbs entwined with mine.

I didn't understand any of this until the last sentence. The way you described him was so vague, maybe just use some detail that's easier to understand?

I think, because this is a draft, that you should spend more time describing the beach, and how you felt when you were looking at him. You're descriptions about his 'tangle or legs' didn't go over very well for me. Keep going PM me if you've got questions!

Hey there!

I really enjoyed this. The description was nice, and I loved the beach setting. This is almost poetic, really, which I enjoy.

I could not rest, but would not dare to wake the sleeping pile of limbs entwined with mine.

The one thing I have a major problem with is the words "pile of limbs". To me, it's an ugly phrase and puts an ugly image in my head (a pile of disembodied arms and legs...yeah). That's not good, since the rest of this is peaceful and beautiful. Just a different term would make it all better.

Showing through the holes where the blanked had become worn were glimpses of the limbs I was trying not to disturb, they did not need to know that I did not see them as they were, pale, calm and smooth beneath the moon.

This sentence just confused me. I think maybe it ought to be broken into two separate sentences or something. Or maybe, just change up the punctuation a bit:

Showing through the holes where the blanket (p.s. you misspelled blanket) had become worn were glimpses of the limbs I was trying not to disturb; they did not need to know that i did not see them as they were: pale, calm and smooth beneath the moon.

A semi-colon is good here because the two sentences are of the same thought, but could also stand on their own as independent sentences. Also, the colon helps to make it more understandable than another comma.

But as they had been, a mere few hours before, in the burning final glare of the sun.

I love this sentence. It's a great way to end it!

Well that's about it! A lovely piece, and it just needs a few minor tweaks. Great job and keep writing!

-Lauren-

Hello, Creative.

No life surrounding us to make a sound, just the waves, in, and out, carrying my thoughts to the depths of the sea.

Above us, the illusion of a roof of sky seemingly trapped us beneath the deep blue of this roof, and next to the black of the sea. Beneath us, the sand still held the heat of the night, compact but soft under the weight of our bodies.

There is a slight repetition of roof in the first sentence. The 'and next to the black sea' part of that sentence was also confusing to me.

But as they had been, a mere few hours before, in the burning final glare of the sun.

I love this sentence!

This was very well written, I love the description in this! I like the way your word choice seemed effortless and flowed together well. Though it was short, it was very fulfilling...like a Hersey's kiss. Man, I love those candies. Well, that's all.

ReisePiecey!