Urn and Ashes

Urn and Ashes

I feel so cold and lifeless
Like the stone gray urn and ashes
Broken and in a mess
Set between the window sashes

Tears of Death pour down the window pane
My lonely and empty days
The lavish dance of life starts to cause me pain
Life slowly begins to haze

The music quietly starts to slow
As I now breathe my last breath
Leaving only the sad violin solo
In the bloody dance of death



For me the content doesn't matter as much as the fact that I got it to rhyme. Go me! And I know the rhythm is off. I suck at rhythm but I tried. (Thanks WD I took some of your advice. )

it's very elegant and touchingly sad...conjures an image in my mind of a tree in the movie What Dreams May Come; it was sad and forlorn, with dark purple leaves, in a colorless land....sad but still unique and beautiful, even in the very way it is sad.

This was very creative and elegant as PsyLynx mentioned. As you warned, it was a bit off-rhythm, but I believe that can be fixed.

I feel so cold and lifeless
Like the stone gray urn and ashes
All cracked and in a mess
Set between the window sashes

Your rhyming was very good here, well done and I liked your word choice of sashes in the last line; it's not a word I hear much anymore. The rhythm was pretty good here. The 1st and 3rd line seemed a little off at first, but not too badly. The only thing that really bothered me in this stanza was your usage of 'all' in the 3rd line. It takes away from the feeling of the stanza in my opinion. I would suggest changing it to 'so', because it is the only way I can think to chance it while preserving the rhythm. Also, I would suggest finding a more intense word than 'cracked'

Tears of Death pour down the window pane
My lonely and empty days
The lavish dance of life starts to cause me pain
As it slowly begins to haze

This was good though a different rhythm from the 1st stanza, but I would suggest saying 'this dance of life starts to cause me pain' to make the rhythm easier as well as changing the last line. It's kind of hard to understand what you mean there, though it may just be me, so I would suggest saying 'life's become a cruel daze'

The music quietly starts to slow
As I breath my last breath
Leaving olny the sad violin solo
In the bloodly dance of death

First, some technical stuff. In the 2nd line, it should be 'breathe my last breath', in the 3rd line, you spelled only wrong and in the 4th line, bloodly should be bloody, I believe. The only other suggestion I have here is to say 'As I now breathe my last breath' and add that now to help the rhythm, but I've never been an expert in rhythm, so I'm not sure

Anyways, I did like this poem except for those few thing I pointed out above. Good job; this has a lot of potential. Please keep writing.

this is very forlorn. i sort of liked it. i loved the ending of the last stanza the most, and the second stanza was "ehhhh". but the first wasn't bad - it caught my interest. i haven't seen the word "lavish" in a while, though i know that is an odd thing to say, and i adored the last line -

the bloody dance of death

ooooooh *shivers*
it seemed rather black-and-white poem (like with the images, not the actual ideals).
(i've recently discovered the addictiveness of SMILE)

It's funny that you say it's a "black and white" poem because I imagine it sort of like that. The images I see are in all black and white but with the one color of red. It appears once in each stanza as I see it. In the first stanza I see the "window sashes" as being red. Stanza two, I imagine a woman on a stage dancing in a red dress. The third stanza, of course, the red blood. Glad you pointed that out. I never thought to explain that. I never even really noticed how I saw that. Lol!