The Diary Of Jane

Chapter 1


I can remember so clearly. I can hear her laugh, I can feel her heartbeat. I remember her but no one else does. I remember Jane.
She had the same brown hair has me, and brown eyes. Her skin was light brown and smooth. I could tell that we were sisters. I can just feel it.
I'll never forget the day I heard her call me, I was six and I was playing at a deep creek. Most likely taller than me, someone yelled ' No Alex!' I stood upright and looked around, no one. But I was scarred, I left without every returning to the creek again. Then I remembered the dreams of when I was a baby, small and happy.
I remember her voice as just sang me to sleep and read to me. She'd make up stories of far away lands and fairies. All size and shapes and colors. And the moon, I loved those. I'll never forget the last night she told me a story. I was a few weeks away from being one year old and her story ended with 'The moon that's so bright hugged the stars and then he told them goodnight.'
"Oh, Jane, I miss your voice."
It was that same night when Jane was in a car wreck, I was a baby still but even babies will have a memory of someone so close. But my mom and dad locked away anything with her face on it, even my baby book that she put notes in. Ten years later I can still remember that night.
The night when Jane was killed.

I love the idea and detail of this, but, in my opinion, you should try to restructure some of the sentences to avoid the constant repeated "I"

*EX- in stead of: I felt the strong wind was blowing my hair back. I watched the leaves fall frantically to the ground.... try something like: A strong wind was blowing my hair back as i watched the leaves fall frantically to the ground.*

-Hope(:

Heya

You only have one review so far so I thought I'd give you another. I don't think I've reviewed anything of yours before so I'll let you know how I do it. I'll start off with the nit-picks, if I can find any, and then move on to my overall opinion.

I can remember it so clearly. I can hear her laugh, I can feel her heartbeat. I remember her but no one else does. I remember Jane.

This beginning was pretty good. It got me wondering who Jane was. My only critique is that it's a tad bit cliché. The whole, I remember this, I remember that kind of thing.

I could tell that we were sisters. I could just feel it.

You changed tenses here.

I'll never forget the day I heard her call me. I was six and I was playing at a deep creek. Most likely taller than me, someone yelled ' No Alex!' I stood upright and looked around. No one. But I was scarred, I left without every returning to the creek again. Then I remembered the dreams of when I was a baby, small and happy.

How did she know that the person that belonged to the voice was taller than her? Instead of saying taller, saying that the voice sounded older would be better because a voice can't literally sound taller. Also, I'd like for you to describe Alex's time at the creek a bit more. Talk about how she was looking for fish or something and describe the scene around her. For example, were the trees silently swaying in the wind. Or were they more scary? Did the branches look like the fingers of a witch? This is quite important, be more descriptive about it.

I remember her voice as she just sang me to sleep and read to me.

It was that same night when Jane was in a car wreck. I was still a baby still but even babies will have a memory of someone so close.

I don't really know many people who use or say 'car wreck'. Instead, you should say something like 'car crash' or 'car accident'. Simply because it will make most readers understand what you are trying to say.

Ten years later, I can still remember that night.

The night when Jane was killed.

Good cliffhanger ending.


Overall

Considering this is rather short, I can't say an awful lot. From what I can tell by this though, this story definitely has potential! As far as I can tell, the idea of this story is good. This is just a guess but I'm thinking that Jane's ghost is looking after Alex or something. If that is the case, this story really reminds me of something that I'm writing at the moment about a boy who can see the dead and is watched over by his deceased older sister. Your story might be nothing like that though, you never know. I can't really comment on characters yet because I don't know much about your characters, which is perfectly fine. This is the first chapter after all, even if it is rather short. When it comes to your grammar, I'm impressed. I didn't find many grammatical critiques in this. Any grammatical errors I did find, I corrected for you. The same goes for your spelling. I didn't find a single misspelled word.

My main critique for this is the fact that it feels a bit rushed. The end of this is a very good cliffhanger, but it could be better if you were more descriptive with everything before it. Although the cliffhanger is good, we don't feel any emotions through it. You haven't described your MC's life much for us to feel any emotions. Basically, I'd like it if you were more descriptive. Take the time your MC heard a voice at the creek as an example. You said that she heard a voice, turned around and no one was there. That's great, just tell us how she was feeling. Tell us what was going on around her. What could she hear, see, taste, smell, touch? Was the gentle wind blowing through her hair? Was there an eerie silence around her or could she hear the sound of birds twittering? Do you understand what I mean? I feel as though the moment by the creek is rather important, so you should describe it with a bit more length. Don't just tell us what happened, show us what happened. Showing is always better than telling.

My other critique kind of goes with my first one. It's about the length of this and the pace of it. Like I said earlier, this chapter feels a bit rushed. It feels as though you're rushing to tell us what happened to Jane. The first chapter in a story is the most important, in my opinion. Without an effective first chapter, the readers don't get drawn into the story and they don't bother reading on. If you have a good, interesting first chapter, on the other hand, the complete opposite happens. It draws your readers in. You've got a very good idea for an opening chapter, you just need to use its full potential. Don't feel as though you have to rush things and tell us readers what's happening, or what's happened, all at once. Give us some time to understand what's happening and feel the emotions that you're trying to make us feel. If you do that, we can emphasize with your characters and understand how they are feeling.

Negatives aside, I can tell that this story definitely have potential. Your grammar and spelling is very good, I didn't find many issues with that at all. As for the idea of this story, it certainly sounds good from what I can tell. All that you need to do now is to take into consideration what I've suggested. After you've done that, you should edit this up a bit. If you do that, you will have a really nice piece of writing here, in my opinion.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

WOW! very nice and sad like bitter sweet chocolate! (Yummy! ^^) But, its also heartbreaking and amazing emotions!!