Through my eyes

Please comment and critique.....

When I wake, I'll live for you
When I sleep, I'll pray for you
When I dream, I'll dream of you, always
And the day I die, you can bet, I'll die for you
You are my world, my everything
And nothing can keep us apart.

You sing like an angel
dance like a goddess
your eyes sparkle with love
every morning you whisper my name
and I know you'll always be mine.

Sun kissed hair
diamond eyes
ruby lips
and a priceless heart
we were meant to be.

Hey. I thought this was really good. I felt it had deep emotion in it, and that I knew what you were saying. I only have one critique, and that is that I feel that it doesn't end properly. (It may just me me) It seems like it just ends hanging, and that there should be more. But other than that, I think it is really good.

Hi butterfinger,

This is a collection of familiar, overused phrases. Poetry should be fresh, delightful and new. This is stale. Singing like an angel, ruby lips, you are my world ... these are excruciating phrases that we've all heard a million times in everyday life. Poetry is something else, something that should be fun to devour. You need to really crack out a box of originality if you want to write a good poem and this sadly failed to do that.

I have to agree with Firestarter.

If this person really causes you to feel this way, then why resort to time-worn cliches and trite phrases? You need to speak as to how you actually feel about this person; the way they make you feel, special moments the two of you have shared, and the bizarreness of considering someone else as completing you. Right now, the poem could be applied to millions of relationships. Instead, think of what makes your relationship special.

I agree with both Firestarter and Nate. These are lines we've all heard before. A rather monotonous, collaboration of phrases that are overused and severely boring.

This line bugs the heck out of me:

When I sleep, I'll pray for you

This is going to be a lame reason for my disliking, but...
What? Who prays in their sleep?

So sorry if you are offended, but I honestly did not like this poem. Poems should be fresh, and original.
Please don't stop writing though! Keep on trying!
~LPR

At first I see this poem pure of LOVE but when I finished reading, it is no love, IT IS LUST! ahahahaha... great twist!

Butterfinger wrote:Please comment and critique.....

When I wake, I'll live for you
When I sleep, I'll pray for you
When I dream, I'll dream of you, always
And the day I die, you can bet, I'll die for you
You are my world, my everything
And nothing can keep us apart.

You sing like an angel
dance like a goddess
your eyes sparkle with love
every morning you whisper my name
and I know you'll always be mine.

Sun kissed hair
diamond eyes
ruby lips
and a priceless heart
we were meant to be.

I can't say nice for the phrases are overused and BE UNIQUE next time...